Feeling Lost and Despairing About Husband
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 49
Feeling Lost and Despairing About Husband
I wasn't fully aware of the extent of my husband's drinking problem when we married a couple of years ago. Now I feel pretty despairing. I recently realized he's capable of lying to me and manipulating me. I've recently connected up all the dots, linking all the things that were mysterious in cause but disappoint me and drove me nuts about him. These negative behaviors are related to alcohol abuse. Such as:
1.Not going anywhere in his work. I don't care a lot what he does, but he seems to want to stay in a soul sucking job that he hates instead of developing any other capabilities or interests that might lead to more satisfying work.
2. Talking the talk about our dreams as a couple, but never pursuing anything at all to make that happen.
3. Generally doing very little outside of work except for browsing the internet and drinking.
4. Not following through with basic household necessities like making sure the pets have food.
5. Saying the way out of this for him is more friends, yet not pursuing or maintaining friendships.
6. Lying about drinking and justifying breaking our agreements about his drinking. For example: It's my fault that we fought and he had no other choice than to drink, leave me, or commit suicide in order to deal with his feelings. By agreeing he would only drink when I was drinking and how much I was drinking, that meant he could continue drinking a lot more after I fell asleep, as long as I had been drinking earlier that night. He insists that he didn't drink at all on the nights I didn't drink at all, but I don't know if that's true.
He drinks less than he used to. It's easily 6 drinks a night now though. He used to drink himself into an angry stupor. Now it's less angry and less stuporous and I'm often asleep while he does it.
He did admit after a heated discussion that he is maybe a borderline alcoholic. In the past it just been that he "drinks a little too much".
He wants me to be supportive of him. I don't know what that means unless he fully owns up to the extent of the problem, takes responsibility for it, and seeks whatever support is required to recover.
I feel angry. I was reading about motivation interviewing and how alcoholics can make choices to improve their disease when they are empathized with, the downsides of alcoholism are pointed out, and they are encouraged in this non-confrontational way. I feel too angry right now to pull this off.
I am unsure where to go from here. Except to an ala-non meeting and a therapist. I know that part.
1.Not going anywhere in his work. I don't care a lot what he does, but he seems to want to stay in a soul sucking job that he hates instead of developing any other capabilities or interests that might lead to more satisfying work.
2. Talking the talk about our dreams as a couple, but never pursuing anything at all to make that happen.
3. Generally doing very little outside of work except for browsing the internet and drinking.
4. Not following through with basic household necessities like making sure the pets have food.
5. Saying the way out of this for him is more friends, yet not pursuing or maintaining friendships.
6. Lying about drinking and justifying breaking our agreements about his drinking. For example: It's my fault that we fought and he had no other choice than to drink, leave me, or commit suicide in order to deal with his feelings. By agreeing he would only drink when I was drinking and how much I was drinking, that meant he could continue drinking a lot more after I fell asleep, as long as I had been drinking earlier that night. He insists that he didn't drink at all on the nights I didn't drink at all, but I don't know if that's true.
He drinks less than he used to. It's easily 6 drinks a night now though. He used to drink himself into an angry stupor. Now it's less angry and less stuporous and I'm often asleep while he does it.
He did admit after a heated discussion that he is maybe a borderline alcoholic. In the past it just been that he "drinks a little too much".
He wants me to be supportive of him. I don't know what that means unless he fully owns up to the extent of the problem, takes responsibility for it, and seeks whatever support is required to recover.
I feel angry. I was reading about motivation interviewing and how alcoholics can make choices to improve their disease when they are empathized with, the downsides of alcoholism are pointed out, and they are encouraged in this non-confrontational way. I feel too angry right now to pull this off.
I am unsure where to go from here. Except to an ala-non meeting and a therapist. I know that part.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hi kale,
that sounds like a difficult situation , unfortunatley we can't make people quit untill they are ready themselves as much as we may want them to .
Al-Anon sounds a good place to start and there is a forum area on here for friends and families :-
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Bestwishes, M
that sounds like a difficult situation , unfortunatley we can't make people quit untill they are ready themselves as much as we may want them to .
Al-Anon sounds a good place to start and there is a forum area on here for friends and families :-
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Reading. Berks. England
Posts: 134
kale. Your Husbands behaviour and obvious obsession with alcohol, sounds very much like my own 10 years before I was ready to even consider trying to seriously stop. Alcoholism always tends to get progressively worse with time.
I'd suggest he seek out a structured program of recovery, as in AA, Smart Recovery, or maybe AVRT, and YOU ensure YOU LOOK AFTER YOURSELF ! And indeed, Al-Anon would be a great place for you to find help and support.
Good Luck.
Huey.
I'd suggest he seek out a structured program of recovery, as in AA, Smart Recovery, or maybe AVRT, and YOU ensure YOU LOOK AFTER YOURSELF ! And indeed, Al-Anon would be a great place for you to find help and support.
Good Luck.
Huey.
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