Titanic

Alcoholics and addicts talk about the "invisible line" they crossed ... into addiction. That seems to be my XA's focus when it comes to when she supposedly changed (into her "real self" she claimed many times)!

But I'm trying to figure out what part of my life, if any, with her was real, not affected by the disease. It probably goes back, way back, before me, doesn't it? The genes, her upbringing, her experiences ... or her A personality?

Over time, are there like at least five people or "characters" in an alcoholic's or addict's body? Who TF are we dealing with?

The A personality?
The A using and approaching the "invisible line"?
The A in the throes of addiction?
The A (possibly) in early recovery?
The Recovered or long-Recovering A?

Help.

dollydo

"But I'm trying to figure out what part of my life, if any, with her was real, not affected by the disease."

My life with my exabf was real...a real must miss..every corner of our relationship was affected by his disease.

Learn2Live

Titanic, I am right there with you, asking the same exact question. Who TF WAS that? Which part was real? Was the entire relationship just a snowjob? Was I just being used for a free place to stay? Did I mean NOTHING to him? Because apparently I didn't. Who was that guy who used to fold laundry and make beds with me? Were all those smiles and hugs and good feelings all fake? I feel like I'm in The Twilight Zone. Still. After 3 and a half months.

Titanic

Yeah, like, could A even emotionally connect? Was it just me banging my head against her wall with no doors and a heart with no beat? Why would you bring children into this world, and take the poison in right through your cord, secretly knowing, just you?

Who TF was that & who TF am I going to be dealing with, because I have to! When do the lies & act stop, if ever?

Titanic

Are whatever missteps we made in the relationship with the As never forgiven or fixable because the As weren't emotionally available in the first place?

Learn2Live

I don't understand what you're asking here. Can u elaborate a little?

The person who originally brought me here to SR was a friend of mine from long ago. He was a friend of my brothers when I was a little kid, and I got to know him well in my teen years. He was like a brother to me, but closer. I did not see him for about 20 years and when we became reacquainted, I was immediately scared for his life. He was severely alcoholic and addicted to crack cocaine. I spent about two years trying to help him. And I know that I did help him, even though I also enabled him some. I was in a very unusual position in that my love for this person allowed me to remain very emotionally detached from the outcomes. And I was so comfortable with this person, due to our history, that my will to help him get off at least the crack introduced me to a new level of maturity I had never experienced before. I was able to remain very objective and controlled (even though I did get my feelings hurt, I was emotional, and I cared very much). My point is that this experience allowed me to see how the alcoholic addict's mind worked. All the ways the experts describe addictive thinking were so clear to me. And I came to understand that this way of thinking is so foreign to me, but it is like they exist in a parallel universe. They interact with sober people on a daily basis but the reality they experience is completely different from our reality. Their thought processes are just whacked out. Have you ever had a conversation with a schizophrenic person? If not, you should try it. Because then you will see what I'm talking about. They live beside us but the way the see and experience and understand the world is alien.

Katiekate

May I suggest reading The Addictive Persoanality By Craig Nakken

I really helped clear up a lot of things that were keeping me stuck.

It really is a good read and does a good job of explaining the addictive process, addictive thinking, and ultimately what is needed for recovery.

So many lines I read in there really helped me to get over the WTF hump.

HTH Katie

Learn2Live

"Addictive Thinking" by Abraham Twerski, which is in the same series as "Addictive Personality" is also an excellent read.

ilovehim1104

Acceptance is hardest for me.....I am so unclear how my xAbf could do all real life things wth me get to recovery realize his "character defects" while psycho analyzing me and all my character defects said I need help and now I'm just stuck accepting I. Gave soo much as did what I thought was someone I guess Idk at all ..was giving in return I just allowed myself to be suck in time an time again now while he is sober which in grateful for but now I'm just accepting. Broken heart over someones disease someone who said he was one person to completely find out he wasn't ....so acceptance is hard to overcome.

DesertEyes

The answer for me is that my ex was _all_ of those "selves". My ex is a human being and my experience is that people are complex. She is no different than any other person. She is a Mother, a daughter, an employee, a wife, a lover, etc. etc.

For me it was _all_ real. The good times and the bad. When she was clean and sober she was really wonderful, and when she was loaded she was really awful.

The answer that helped me the most was _not_ "who am I dealing with"? My answer was about "_Why_ am I dealing with this person"?

Mike

Tuffgirl

Thanks Mike. I was thinking the same thing - just couldn't come up with the words to express it. I know I got all "50 shades" of my ex. And yes - kind of a funny word play on the trilogy! ; )

It was real. And some days it SUCKED. And others, well, it was AMAZING! Oh the drama...

I have no regrets. But I am grateful to be back to more calm and stable times. Predictable. Consistent. Sounds boring, I know, but at my age, such a welcomed place to be.

Titanic

Learn2Live, thanks for asking. I'll start another thread on it, "emotionally available?" or the like.