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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Sandy, UT
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This is so new and unfamiliar for me. This past Tuesday, I caught my husband on the phone with a woman he slept with 3 times, he was completely drunk each time. Which leads me to find out that he has been an alcoholic for the past 9 years. We have been together since 1995 and married for 13 years. We have 3 beautiful kids, who I feel very thankful that they do not know a thing about what is going on. My husband grew up with an alcoholic father and while he did do alot of drinking in college, he stopped shortly after we started dating and for the first few years of our marriage. He travels for work (sales) and that is when he started occassionally having a beer. I feel like an idiot, not knowing about the drinking for all this time. However, I have never been around addiction and he is a very good liar evidently. He is taking the steps he needs to be taking, going to AA meetings, we went to counseling, and he hasn't had a drink since Tuesday afternoon. I feel like dealing with the alcoholism isn't as hard, but thinking and trying to deal with infidelity is crazy hard. I want to support him and be there through the addiction recovery, but I don't know how to deal with the cheating at the same time. I feel like I need to be loving and supportive, but I haven't dealt with my anger at the cheating and deceit. I love my husband and he loves me and we want to do the work and take the steps to get our marriage back on track. I know without the alcohol the cheating wouldn't have happened, or at least I want to believe that. We have always had a very healthy sex life and a good marriage. I just want to forgive and forget and move on, but I know if I don't deal with my feelings and anger and hurt, that is impossible.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Hi, Lonely. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Have you considered seeing a therapist on your own? It can be very helpful to have someone to help you work through things.
I have to say, though, that alcohol doesn't usually cause a person to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do sober. Yes, it can lower inhabitions, but I do not believe it will cause someone to cheat on their spouse, abuse their spouse, or do something that is totally against their nature.
I'm glad you found us and I hope you will read around the forum and see that you are definitely not alone. Everyone here has dealt with addiction in one way or another. It doesn't have to ruin your life. You will find a lot of support here.
I have to say, though, that alcohol doesn't usually cause a person to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do sober. Yes, it can lower inhabitions, but I do not believe it will cause someone to cheat on their spouse, abuse their spouse, or do something that is totally against their nature.
I'm glad you found us and I hope you will read around the forum and see that you are definitely not alone. Everyone here has dealt with addiction in one way or another. It doesn't have to ruin your life. You will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR. You do sound lonely and so isolated. I tell you, the isolation will destroy us when in marriage to an alcoholic. An addict wields great power over our minds, and over time, we lose our minds if we remain isolated. Alcoholics have tremendous powers of manipulation and control and breaking another person's sense of worth and healthy boundaries. Sometimes this is blatant. More often it is subtle, unrelenting, and over time, completely dissolves the spouse's sense of self and personal strength and integrity.
We are here to support you with whatever you face in the coming days. Relapse is very likely to come--statistically--and you need not be alone with that. As well, if you do stay married to him, you need lifetime support, for his disease will never go away, it will always be scouting for an opportunity to take control again, and without ongoing support such as Al-Anon, you will be most vulnerable to your husband's challenges, taking them on as if they are yours though they absolutely are not yours. No one but your husband can deal with his addiction and what it takes to regain his life and his higher nature.
Alcoholics are selfish. They are self-serving, self-centered. They feel entitled. This is the addict mind. And it takes what it wants. And if it wants sex outside the marriage, it will take it. I believe you cannot trust your husband until he demonstrates at minimum a full year of daily vigorous recovery work and sobriety. So protect yourself. Do not believe everything he tells you, even if he says it most sincerely and with tears in his eyes. It takes time for the addict mind to change. Get some emotional distance while he is newly in recovery and don't feel you have to hold his hand or pat him on the back. His recovery is his and after the pain you have suffered, it is definitely not your job to be his cheerleader or his mommy while he works it. Straighten your shoulders and find love for yourself again and take action to rebuild your self-worth which is being destroyed in an alcoholic marriage.
Your union may survive, with intense recovery work and continued individual and marital counseling. But for now, protect yourself by keeping your expectations modest and watching what he DOES, not what he says.
Get some outside help soon, you deserve it. You will be all right if you get support. Just don't go this alone.
We are here to support you with whatever you face in the coming days. Relapse is very likely to come--statistically--and you need not be alone with that. As well, if you do stay married to him, you need lifetime support, for his disease will never go away, it will always be scouting for an opportunity to take control again, and without ongoing support such as Al-Anon, you will be most vulnerable to your husband's challenges, taking them on as if they are yours though they absolutely are not yours. No one but your husband can deal with his addiction and what it takes to regain his life and his higher nature.
Alcoholics are selfish. They are self-serving, self-centered. They feel entitled. This is the addict mind. And it takes what it wants. And if it wants sex outside the marriage, it will take it. I believe you cannot trust your husband until he demonstrates at minimum a full year of daily vigorous recovery work and sobriety. So protect yourself. Do not believe everything he tells you, even if he says it most sincerely and with tears in his eyes. It takes time for the addict mind to change. Get some emotional distance while he is newly in recovery and don't feel you have to hold his hand or pat him on the back. His recovery is his and after the pain you have suffered, it is definitely not your job to be his cheerleader or his mommy while he works it. Straighten your shoulders and find love for yourself again and take action to rebuild your self-worth which is being destroyed in an alcoholic marriage.
Your union may survive, with intense recovery work and continued individual and marital counseling. But for now, protect yourself by keeping your expectations modest and watching what he DOES, not what he says.
Get some outside help soon, you deserve it. You will be all right if you get support. Just don't go this alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Lonely, I would like to underline some important points that EnglishGarden spoke of.
Get some emotional distance right now---and get some support as fast as you can. A counselor and attending alanon meetings will get you started.
Don't rely on anything he says---watch his actions. He is completely responsible for his own recovery work---it is not in his or your best interest to be cheerleading him. Direct that energy toward yourself.
Read the "stickies" at the top of this main page. There is a wealth of information there.
What kind of future you and your children will have depends on how much work you do for yourself.
dandylion
Get some emotional distance right now---and get some support as fast as you can. A counselor and attending alanon meetings will get you started.
Don't rely on anything he says---watch his actions. He is completely responsible for his own recovery work---it is not in his or your best interest to be cheerleading him. Direct that energy toward yourself.
Read the "stickies" at the top of this main page. There is a wealth of information there.
What kind of future you and your children will have depends on how much work you do for yourself.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Hi Lonely-
It was actually my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with his problem drinking.
Al-Anon (for friends and family of problem drinkers based on the AA model) really helped me in healing from both the alcohol concerns and the affairs.
This is the type of stuff that takes time to heal from.
Unfortunately I agree that both infidelity and the disease of alcoholism create a lot of untruths from our loved ones. He/she is trying to protect her disease and not feel shame for what they did (drink etc) and as a result the whole truth does not come out right at first.
In addition to Al-Anon I used therapy (individual), and some marriage counseling (I got a lot out of it, though we are not married any longer).
There are a lot of great books out there on both, and they helped too.
Keep coming back, it helps.
I don't know how much alcohol and affairs are directly related, except in my personal experience they both made me confused, crazy and feel completely off.
It was actually my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with his problem drinking.
Al-Anon (for friends and family of problem drinkers based on the AA model) really helped me in healing from both the alcohol concerns and the affairs.
This is the type of stuff that takes time to heal from.
Unfortunately I agree that both infidelity and the disease of alcoholism create a lot of untruths from our loved ones. He/she is trying to protect her disease and not feel shame for what they did (drink etc) and as a result the whole truth does not come out right at first.
In addition to Al-Anon I used therapy (individual), and some marriage counseling (I got a lot out of it, though we are not married any longer).
There are a lot of great books out there on both, and they helped too.
Keep coming back, it helps.
I don't know how much alcohol and affairs are directly related, except in my personal experience they both made me confused, crazy and feel completely off.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm glad you found us. I, too, was married to an alcoholic. And even though I had been around alcoholics all my life, it was sort of a family secret, so I still believed that alcoholics were those smelly guys who lived under a bridge... so the fact that the person I was married to would down incredible amounts of alcohol... didn't translate to "alcoholism" for me either. He had a stressful job, you know, and he said it was just his way of winding down... and I believed him.
I'm telling you this because you sound like you're blaming yourself for not realizing what was going on. Please don't. There's some old rhyme about how it's nobler, albeit more painful, to be the one deceived than to be the one deceiving... You believed what your husband told you, which is what you ought to be able to do in a marriage.
I was also, as English Garden says, very isolated and lonely. With kids and all that entails, it's easy to sort of live in your little bubble with your family. Nothing wrong with that. But it's OK to talk about what happened. It's OK for you to get help for YOU.
Come back. Listen. Talk. This is a place of stories and of healing.
I'm telling you this because you sound like you're blaming yourself for not realizing what was going on. Please don't. There's some old rhyme about how it's nobler, albeit more painful, to be the one deceived than to be the one deceiving... You believed what your husband told you, which is what you ought to be able to do in a marriage.
I was also, as English Garden says, very isolated and lonely. With kids and all that entails, it's easy to sort of live in your little bubble with your family. Nothing wrong with that. But it's OK to talk about what happened. It's OK for you to get help for YOU.
Come back. Listen. Talk. This is a place of stories and of healing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
Individual counseling is healping me a great deal. Consider trying it. Know you are not alone! My AH is currently in rehab and I have no idea if we will make it through his recovery process or not, but I am getting stronger everyday and I am working on myself and not focusing my entire life around his problems right now. Take time to take care of yourself!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Heart-wrenching. I completely empathize. Been there. You're in the right place here!
You got GREAT suggestions above. I could go on and on about those, as well as so many other details. I won't though, because I want give you these pretty direct things to think about (from experience):
1. His program & priority number one must be about sobriety. Generally, that will take at least a year if he works it. The addiction must be dealt with before any marital counseling could work; that's the general order of treatment, especially when there's been infidelity or domestic violence.
2. Alcoholics and cheats lie and manipulate to the point they don't even know their own truth. They need to recover from that, which by no means occurs overnight. The A will lie about the program, attendance, sobriety, relapse etc until recovery starts to put the brakes on that defect. And the infidelity only adds more layers to the problem. Do not be surprised at a relapse in that area, including 13th Stepping (getting involved with other rehab or AA people). Trust only what you see with your own eyes during this time. Expectations of rosy or pink recovery clouds are just more resentments waiting to happen.
3. YOUR PRIORITY is to focus on your own program and recovery. Al-Anon meetings will show you the proven program way but, in your situation, individual counseling for the added effects of infidelity would be great. The more you work your program the less time you will have to think about his. Not worrying about or focusing on his will be very, very hard.
4. Before either of you make any big decisions, give the recovery programs a chance to work. Both programs recommend that. The infidelity adds to the stuff that you need time to sort through. His program says at least a year. While Al-Anon says 6-9 months, the infidelity will add to that. So give it a year to a year and a half (marital counseling may be taking place in that 6 month period). Big decisions include new romantic relationships, separation/divorce, job changes, moves.
There will be much hair pulling, heartache, guessing at the past and hard work coming but the beautiful thing is that, with Al-Anon, you will increasingly do better even when times are tough or tougher!
Peace
You got GREAT suggestions above. I could go on and on about those, as well as so many other details. I won't though, because I want give you these pretty direct things to think about (from experience):
1. His program & priority number one must be about sobriety. Generally, that will take at least a year if he works it. The addiction must be dealt with before any marital counseling could work; that's the general order of treatment, especially when there's been infidelity or domestic violence.
2. Alcoholics and cheats lie and manipulate to the point they don't even know their own truth. They need to recover from that, which by no means occurs overnight. The A will lie about the program, attendance, sobriety, relapse etc until recovery starts to put the brakes on that defect. And the infidelity only adds more layers to the problem. Do not be surprised at a relapse in that area, including 13th Stepping (getting involved with other rehab or AA people). Trust only what you see with your own eyes during this time. Expectations of rosy or pink recovery clouds are just more resentments waiting to happen.
3. YOUR PRIORITY is to focus on your own program and recovery. Al-Anon meetings will show you the proven program way but, in your situation, individual counseling for the added effects of infidelity would be great. The more you work your program the less time you will have to think about his. Not worrying about or focusing on his will be very, very hard.
4. Before either of you make any big decisions, give the recovery programs a chance to work. Both programs recommend that. The infidelity adds to the stuff that you need time to sort through. His program says at least a year. While Al-Anon says 6-9 months, the infidelity will add to that. So give it a year to a year and a half (marital counseling may be taking place in that 6 month period). Big decisions include new romantic relationships, separation/divorce, job changes, moves.
There will be much hair pulling, heartache, guessing at the past and hard work coming but the beautiful thing is that, with Al-Anon, you will increasingly do better even when times are tough or tougher!
Peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lonely)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through. First of all, you are NOT an idiot. Someone who hasn't dealt with an A (alcoholic/addict) has no clue of what to look for and, quite honestly, even when you do..you can't make another person change.
You have the right to feel your feelings. IMO, they are completely justified. Meetings will help, and the great people here will do the same. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one going through this gives an odd comfort.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You have the right to feel your feelings. IMO, they are completely justified. Meetings will help, and the great people here will do the same. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one going through this gives an odd comfort.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I know it is all relative, but I don't think there's anything much worse than alcoholism . . .I hope you find the strength to confront the issues facing you and work through your feelings . . .alcoholics are liars and lying is at the root of cheating . . .
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