zorah

i've slipped quite a few times; can't even count. i've been at this since march, so i know it's not that long. ok, so i've reached 30 days AGAIN and i'm feeling the crazies. i know the way i think and act gets me in trouble and i try to change this but i can't muster enough inner strength (or discipline haha!) to do it. my head keeps spinning and i can't stop it and i'm told i need to make changes blah blah, yet i feel i can't, i just can't do it. i'm out of control! i have zero discipline and half the time i just don't care what happens to me. so that depresses me and i start thinking, what the f--k? why bother with sobriety when i'm never going to escape ME, which is why i drank to start with.

so sorry to carry on with this self-indulgent moaning. i'm just needing some ideas on how to deal with my crazy brain. i so want to make it to 60 days!

Zorah

bbthumper

Ever consider AA? You just described the first step in your post.

MesoFreak

What works for me is everytime I think of booze I either stop the thinking immediately, or attack it with a negative memory that I hate I did. The more you dwell on it, the harder it is to stay stopped: Get your mind off it.

Anna

Hi Zorah,

It sounds like you're stuck. You say you need to make changes, but you just can't do it. Yes, you can and you must. Start with one thing and you will find there is a ripple effect in your life. For example, decide to start a Gratitude Journal today and write 3 things that you are grateful for. And, do the same again tomorrow. You will begin to feel differently about life.

pipparina

I would suggest trying AA. The meetings can really help with the crazies. And like another said, do not entertain the thought of a drink. Just tell yourself you will not drink today.
I also found that reading the stories in the big book helped calm me down a lot. It's the connection you feel with other people who suffered just like you that helps make this work.

IndaMiricale

I made it today with AA

For thats all I get , this one day at a time.

blueshades

Zorah, I'm with Anna: try working toward one of the changes that you feel you need to make. We're always changing and evolving in this life, even when we're not taking on a major project such as quitting drinking. Don't allow the stress of dealing with "everything" to knock you down. We can make the changes we need to make if we take them one at a time.

One thing you wrote really caught my eye: "...what the f--k? why bother with sobriety when i'm never going to escape ME, which is why i drank to start with..."

I think drinking for a lot of us is all about escape. Escape from ourselves, escape from the reality of our situation. It sure was for me. But we don't have to live that way! So much of my life this last 40 days has been about finding healthier ways to live, to manage stress, etc. This journey is ultimately about moving TOWARD ourselves, rediscovering who we really are. As we take on more of our life's work there will be some adjustments to make. It will be challenging, sometimes, but every day that we choose our new life over drink we move closer to ourselves.

Sapling

You can see what the results are if you don't change zorah....What have you tried...Or not tried?

2granddaughters

"hopeless case"

Only if I try it myself.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Noones a hopeless case Zorah - I really believe that - it's good to see you back

What are you doing for your recovery right now?
D

Butterfly74

Absolutley!
The more you think about it....the worse it gets.
Come here. Get support.
It gets easier!

Blessings and hugs!

hypochondriac

I don't believe in hopeless cases Zorah. I totally understand the feelings of hopelessness though. Thing is the alternative is pretty unacceptable... You just have to keep on battling it and adding to whatever you're using to help you. It will get better x

WantToHeal

I'll echo what others have already said very well, there are no hopeless cases. My outpatient counselor is quick to remind me that if I am sober in the moment, and breathing, there is still hope.

soulgypsy

So well articulated blueshades. Sobriety (and life) is a journey inwards. It doesn't seem like that when we are young and we are so busy "expanding". At some point we realize that our purpose has really been to discover our inner selves all along, then use our gifts to help others.

Zorah, you are not a hopeless case--but when you are feeling that way, I would suggest you play with those words a bit. Maybe you can think about that when your case is empty, it is ready for filling with a new found hope.

Keep at it. You are stronger than you've been made to believe.

Etta

"why bother with sobriety when i'm never going to escape ME, which is why i drank to start with."

That comment really reasonates with me, Zorah. I have no words I can offer to help you because you've made it much further than me, but I completely understand this feeling and struggle with it myself.

zorah

thanx so much everyone. i got a lot from what you all shared. i have a kind sponsor who's coaxing me through early sobriety. what's hard is i KNOW i would be better if i just quit trying to control myself, quit this iron grip on power over me. i'm cool with giving up the idea of control over other people, etc., but me? no way. i don't know if you have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but there's a knight in the movie who's fighting another knight and one lops the arm of another. the one missing the arm goes on bragging and goading the other knight and in the fighting, he then loses his other arm. this goes on until the knight is reduced to being just a trunk in the woods. oblivious of his situation, the limbless one continues to hurl insults and threats at his combatant as he leaves the woods. that's kind of like me. i never had power but i believe i do even when i'm knocked over and smooshed into the mud. i just keep on holding on my illusion of power [over me] like i'm going to die if i don't. and that's the thing. because the more i try to control, the deeper i dig my own grave.

so, i'm going to do what you guys said--think of an action i can take that will do me good.

the fact that i logged onto SR which i haven't done in a while is a good sign i figure.

thanx again.

blessings to you,


zorah

sugarbear1

Bill helped Bob and both helped another Bill and then a large group of people kept helping more people.....

Help another suffering alcoholic to get out of your own way....

You aren't hopeless, you are still breathing. There is Hope in every breath you take!

DeepBreath2012

I'm on day 1 so no great words of wisdom however...I just opened up a word document and started pasting words of wisdom that are inspiring me to keep myself sober...one moment at a time. I will read, read, read, read these words as often as I need to. Maybe you'd find something like that helpful? All the best...it's not easy, but will be worth it.