I have come to hate the "I can control this" thoughts
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 22
I have come to hate the "I can control this" thoughts
Right now, I feel so angry over them! I have used them for YEARS. The longest I ever went was in 2003 for three months. I got BOMBED by myself on the anniversary of 911 (can you believe that was my excuse?!) and called a friend, although I could hardly talk (haven't talked to that person since...gee, wonder why?). I figured since I went 3 months without drinking, I had it under control.
Then there was that wedding, then the anniversary party for friends, then the time that couple came over and I made a pitcher of Mojitos. I felt so, so horrible afterwards, but, gee, it was just people getting drunk, right?
I decided to drink once a month last spring. Was doing perfectly well with it. Then one night my husband brought home one of my favorite bottles of wine, and we shared it. I knew I was "cheating," but I looked at it like cheating on a diet -- a bowl of ice cream isn't going to kill me. The weird thing was, the next night I bought a bottle of wine. Then a few nights later, due to "stress," I bought 2 and nearly polished off both of them. I spent the following day at work locked in my office, not talking to anyone, fearful that they would smell the booze on me. I felt terrible.
In the old days, I did stretch the weekend drinking from Friday and Saturday nights to Thursdays into Sundays. There was a particularly stressful period in my life when I was going into work (for the first time) on Mondays totally hungover. When I cut back on Sundays, I felt like I was being so good, then I dropped Thursdays. Then it was once-a-month drinking. Ahh, doing so so well! It's all this rationalizing and tricking of the mind, playing games with myself.
I am so angry over the fooling myself for all these years when I had control. I didn't and I don't. It is not there. It is a mirage, a fantasy. It is not real. I do not have control over my drinking, and I haven't for years.
My mother drank herself into a coma when she was about my age. She never drank again. I feel like I am heading down that path, but might not be so lucky.
Then there was that wedding, then the anniversary party for friends, then the time that couple came over and I made a pitcher of Mojitos. I felt so, so horrible afterwards, but, gee, it was just people getting drunk, right?
I decided to drink once a month last spring. Was doing perfectly well with it. Then one night my husband brought home one of my favorite bottles of wine, and we shared it. I knew I was "cheating," but I looked at it like cheating on a diet -- a bowl of ice cream isn't going to kill me. The weird thing was, the next night I bought a bottle of wine. Then a few nights later, due to "stress," I bought 2 and nearly polished off both of them. I spent the following day at work locked in my office, not talking to anyone, fearful that they would smell the booze on me. I felt terrible.
In the old days, I did stretch the weekend drinking from Friday and Saturday nights to Thursdays into Sundays. There was a particularly stressful period in my life when I was going into work (for the first time) on Mondays totally hungover. When I cut back on Sundays, I felt like I was being so good, then I dropped Thursdays. Then it was once-a-month drinking. Ahh, doing so so well! It's all this rationalizing and tricking of the mind, playing games with myself.
I am so angry over the fooling myself for all these years when I had control. I didn't and I don't. It is not there. It is a mirage, a fantasy. It is not real. I do not have control over my drinking, and I haven't for years.
My mother drank herself into a coma when she was about my age. She never drank again. I feel like I am heading down that path, but might not be so lucky.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Welcome to the wonderful world of alcoholism! You have plenty of company.
You will be ok as long as you don't drink. It took me a long time to let go of being really pissed off at myself for the past (a very long time, unfortunately), but after a year sober and advice from friends here (Threshold - are you there?), I realize I absolutely am wasting my time commiserating about the past....I am ruining the present with anguish over the past, being angry for how messed up some of my thoughts still are currently, and projecting all of this into the future. We have to stop ourselves from this. It is good to do it at first, I think. Feeling my feelings and disappointment over myself in the beginning was depressing, but kept me centered on being sober. Just don't let it overrun you. I say that because it did me for awhile.
You are a very good person - I can tell by your message to me about my cat Kramer. It really meant a lot to me that you wrote that. All of this will get better, I promise. Just keep walking through it....that is the only way out. Take care.
You will be ok as long as you don't drink. It took me a long time to let go of being really pissed off at myself for the past (a very long time, unfortunately), but after a year sober and advice from friends here (Threshold - are you there?), I realize I absolutely am wasting my time commiserating about the past....I am ruining the present with anguish over the past, being angry for how messed up some of my thoughts still are currently, and projecting all of this into the future. We have to stop ourselves from this. It is good to do it at first, I think. Feeling my feelings and disappointment over myself in the beginning was depressing, but kept me centered on being sober. Just don't let it overrun you. I say that because it did me for awhile.
You are a very good person - I can tell by your message to me about my cat Kramer. It really meant a lot to me that you wrote that. All of this will get better, I promise. Just keep walking through it....that is the only way out. Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Welcome!
It's the obsession, isn't it! You think you're controlling your drinking, at least some of time, but only at the cost of obsessing about it. I did that for awhile too, and it was exhausting.
It's the obsession, isn't it! You think you're controlling your drinking, at least some of time, but only at the cost of obsessing about it. I did that for awhile too, and it was exhausting.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I can control my drinking just fine, I don't drink. I will never drink again. Perfect and absolute control. This seems to be the place that most of us here have reached and I recommend it to you.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by freshstart57 
I can control my drinking just fine, I don't drink. I will never drink again. Perfect and absolute control. This seems to be the place that most of us here have reached and I recommend it to you.
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