sammy2487

Hi,

I’m writing this as I have nowhere else to turn.

I am not the alcoholic and I have a long story to tell so here goes…

Ever since I can remember my mum has drunk. I never used to understand as a child and it became part of the norm. During the day she would be “normal” I would even go as far as saying to me, the perfect mother anyone could ask for but once it got dark that all changed. She would drink and drink and drink this was happening every single night without fail. I would see her go from a perfect mother to someone I didn’t even know… a drunk. I can’t count the amount of times I would have to help her to bed or see her fall down the stairs. She was abusive to me and I can clearly remember one night where I was told she didn’t love me, I was a mistake and she hated me. My dad sat there and I didn’t say a word I just took it and each insult was worse feeling like I was nothing but a regret I can’t have been more than 14. I also remember a time she tried to attack me as I slept and one time physically trying to fight me. It was no secret in my family that my mum had a miscarriage before me and she wanted a boy so I can see why her hatred was directed at me.

Well things took a dramatic turn on the 21st May 2008…

I was at work and I received a call saying mum had been taken to the hospital, she was vomiting blood. Time I reached the hospital 11.30am. She was very weak. She could hardly lift herself up. I found out that she had been hiding the fact she had been vomiting blood for the past couple of days. I had to witness the demise of my mother in front of my eyes… the doctors had no answer… no one medically knew she was an alcoholic. Despite everything I still love my mum so the whole time she was in there I was the only one to stand by her to hold the kidney dish whilst she vomited blood wiping her mouth after seeing the desperation in her eyes. Hearing her hallucinate. I stood there until I was ushered out for her to have her drip changed telling her “I’ll be back, I’m just outside”. Can’t have been more that 5 mins and the crash team rushed in… hearing my sister screaming my dad holding her up. I stood there speechless. My dad, sister and me were ushered in to this horrible dimly lit “family room” we were told her heart had stopped and she was on a ventilator this was at 7pm… 7.30pm she was pronounced dead there was nothing more they could do. I now had the choice whether I wanted to see her… as my last words were to her “I’ll be back” I knew I had to. Took 40 mins before my dad and me were told to come through and she was so cold… the coldest thing I had ever touched. As tears flooded my eyes I told her I loved her and I was sorry for everything. The post mortem came back she had alcohol-induced cirrhosis of the liver… She died because she drunk and drunk and the one thing that ruled her life and the life of my families had finally killed her.
Now the grieving process kicked in and the guilt! If I only did more… if I only told the doctors that she was an alcoholic, if I had pushed her to go and get help she would still be here I would still have a mother and my dad would still have a wife. Not having her there for my 21st birthday killed me. Knowing she won’t see me grow and get married, have a family breaks my heart.

I don’t blame or hate her I know now she was severely depressed…This is a route I’m now going down. I suffer badly from depression I have done since I was 13 due to dealing with having to see her like that night after night. When I go out to drink with friends I drink to excess to block the pain out to forget…

I’m now 24 and there is more to my story… I’m now living with the aftermath and another alcoholic…… my dad!

Living with an alcoholic from as young as I can remember to the age of 20 when she died, I know the signs and its happening all over again… My dad is drinking every night he is hiding his drinks. I know my dad depressed over losing my mum but I can’t even talk to him about it he clams up. He will go to his room for an hour and comes out drunk. He stinks of whisky. I feel guilty going out and sometimes make my excuses not to see my friends as I know when he’s alone its worse. It’s just me and my dad at home, my sister had moved out before my mum died. I have spoken to her about it but she’s now expecting her first baby and I don’t want to stress her out. I just feel there is so much weight on my shoulders… if I approach the subject of his drinking it ends in a blazing row… I just can’t cope with it anymore!! It’s like a never ending circle and the thought of having to live with an alcoholic again makes me want to end it all… even as I type this I know he is in his room drinking! I have no one to turn to. I know no one else who has experienced what I have and having to face it again. I suppose this is why I’m turning to you to see if I there is any advice you can give. I just don’t know what to do…

Please help me.

Sammy

seek

Get to an Alanon or AA meeting . . . seek recovery if you wish to heal. You will meet people at the meetings who can advise you on specifics, I am sure.

In the meantime, try EFT on YouTube for acute or chronic conditions.

But I would say you are in crisis and need IMMEDIATE assistance, which I believe meetings could provide.

Also, if you can, get a therapist.

Good luck.

SundayGirl2012

Hi Sammy
What you have lived through sounds like an awful, tragic experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially at such a young age. I'm having difficulty living with alcoholism now and I'm in my thirties.
You've identified that you "can't cope with it anymore" so it's time to make some changes. You can't change your dad's choices and behaviours - he's a grown up and his choices and behaviours are up to him. You can change only yourself. Perhaps there are some practical ways you can change e.g. move out? Perhaps you could change the reaction you have to your dad's behaviour, so that it hurts you less?
There's lots of support out there for you - you don't have to deal with this by yourself. Try Al-Anon meetings (http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/ - choose 'England' and 'Kent' from the drop down menus) - there's lots of people there who've been through similar experiences to you. They will be sympathetic and helpful.
Perhaps you could talk to your GP about your worries for your dad? Once you've talked through your concerns, then it'll be down to the GP to decide what action to take, if any - you'll have done your bit by alerting a medical professional.
I'm sure other people here will offer you their support and advice too.
Take care of yourself Sammy
SG
x

Katiekate

((((((((((Sammy)))))))))

Welcome, you have someone to turn to now, we care.

I too grew up in an alcoholic family, my father was the worst offender, but as I read the things you said that you mom told you, tears ran down my eyes, those things were said to me as well. None of those things are true, alcoholics are full of self hatred, they deal with it by drinking, and unleashing it on those they love most.

So, I have spent the better part of my life in counseling, unraveling the chaos , the very low self esteem, my insecurity, etc etc etc from my experiences as a child. It has been invaluable.

Sammy, unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do effect any kind of change in your Dad. There is a lot of information here on SR, please , if you can try to get educated about the reality of alcholism.

I am sure there will be other members along to help and support you.

Sending you lots of Love Katie xo

Hollyanne

Sammy,
Let me just reassure you of something.
I am a nurse. I worked in ICU for 10 years.
I can absolutely assure you that the doctors and nurses knew your mother was an alcoholic.
They would have known this almost from the minute she was assessed.

Please do not think for another minute that you were in any way unhelpful or whatever you are thinking.
Do please go to Alanon as Seek suggests.
You can and will get to the bottom of all this.
You are not mandated to stay with your father either.
You have a little niece or nephew on the way, so get started on your journey to being Happy, Joyous and Free!
Also, I would suggest that you abstain from alcohol at this time as it causes anxiety and depression and you could have a genetic predisposition to being an alcoholic.
Read here on "Friends and Family" and "ACOA" forum (adult children of alcoholics).

You will be okay. You are not alone.
Focus on yourself for now. Leave your father do his thing.
Do not enable him. Cover up for him, tidy up, or buy him drink or drink with him.
Keep it simple. You are so young and have so much to look forward to.
Will you try a couple of these suggestions?
Hugs, Anne

sammy2487

Hi,

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post! I seriously appriciate it.

I cant thank you enough for your advice!

Seek... thank you for your advice. I really appriciate it! S xx

Sundaygirl2012.. I will def try that site. I have so much guilt if I moved out and left him as I know it would get worse and I can imagine me being at the hospital and re-living it all over again... I have been to my GP and he has given me sertaline (anti depressant) I have also been referred for counselling. I did try grievence counselling after my mum died but it didnt help. I dont thing I was ready for it back then. I hope you find the strengh to come through dealing with drinking problems. Take care yourself! S xx

Katiekate.. thank you for your post... Living with a parent who is an alcoholic is sooo tough! Its such a shame weve had to experience it in our lives. Its so hard as her hurtful words will never leave me and I will always remember it what was worse was when she woke up she didnt remember a thing. I truelly hope your through the worse of it now. thank you for your kind words and advice! Hugs! S xx

LuvMySis

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, and also your father's addiction. That is an awful lot to deal with at such a young age. Many of us here grew up with alcoholic parents, too. It's very sad. The advice that you've been given so far is great. I also want to stress that you will be okay. It's important to take care of yourself right now. Try not to obsess about your dad's behavior, because you can't do anything to influence him. Focus on yourself. We'll help you.

sammy2487

Thank you Hollyanne for your kind words and advice! I appriciate it so much... xx

Its truelly is nice to know im not alone and there are people out there that can help

dandylion

Dear Sammy, please go to the "stickies" at the top of this MAIN page (if you can't locate them, let us k now and we can help you). Read all of them--especially the one called: 10 ways to help your loved one. After you have learned some more about how this disease works and how it affects the family---then you will understand some things that probably don't make too much sense to you right now.
You will learn that enabling our loved one is the worst thing we can do for them. You will see that your dad is responsible for himself and his alcoholism---and not depend on you.
You are entitled to live your own life. You have already given to much for this disease. You are not helping him by staying, in reality, but you aare destroying your young life.

Please try to find an alanon meeting---it will change your life if you will do this. You will have kind people who understand and can help you.

Please keep posting here. You will find support and will have lots of people who care about you and what you are going through.

dandylion

Katiekate

Sammy,
Let me just reassure you of something.
I am a nurse. I worked in ICU for 10 years.
I can absolutely assure you that the doctors and nurses knew your mother was an alcoholic.
They would have known this almost from the minute she was assessed.

(((((Holly)))))) Thanks for this!

Shadydeal

I am so sorry and can certainly understand why you would be having such a hard time. I don't have much to offer to help you heal but I think you will find comfort in reading the posts here at SR. What it has done for me is help me to realize that you can't change things, you can't fix them and likely doesn't matter what you could have done/did/didn't do nothing changes until they are ready to stop drinking and change. For some that is never! It's horrible sad and maybe worse for their loved ones! I am not certain just painful for everyone. I know that you can start healing & make sure that you do not turn to A to treat your depression.... I know that you can look around/read and find that at some point all A say ugly, mean, horrible things! This is not a reflection of you but it does not change the way it makes you feel! It's tough to understand & non of us do! I hope that you will find peace and healing!

Sasha4

Sweetie - you are totally not alone. Never ever think that.
You must always come here and post and join our community if nothing else.
We understand.

What has happened to you is not right and not fair.
You should not have been exposed to that.
You need help and support in the very least.

Your Dad needs help and support too, but it's not your job to make him better or make this go away. He has to stop drinking himself. He has to seek help himself.
Yes he has lost his wife, but you have lost your mum.
You need to be there for him, but it is not your job to fix him or make him better.

Alcoholics say all sorts of cruel things when drunk. Most of them they do not mean and hardly ever remember.
Your Dad and sister would be devastated if they knew you had thes memories from your mum - that you were never wanted, you were a mistake.

I agree - the health professionals will have known that your mum drank.

I also agree that your going to be an auntie soon and you need to have some peace and recovery from these issues.

You also witnessed something incredibly shocking and traumatic when your mum was throwing up blood in the hospital.

She also treated you in a very cruel way which you need to find coping strategies for.

There are lots of sources from which to get help - your GP, grief counsellors, Al anon, the samaritans.

You have been through the mill and YOU need to put yourself first and look after you and heal you.

Perhaps a talk with your Dad may make him see how his actions are not helping you. That you have a lot on your plate right now and he needs to see this.

Please promise you will keep coming back here to let us know how you are doing?
Your young and we all care very much whether we are drinkers ourselves, children of drinkers or have family that drink.

Maybe someone might be able to recommend some books that could be good to read?
Also pester your GP for counselling on the NHS. You should not have to wait years and years for it and you should not have to pay for it.
When you go, you are not speaking out against your mum or dad, you are simply stating the facts as they happened so that you can help yourself feel better.

I really do wish you all the best darling xxxx

MTSlideAddict

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not alone. It is times like this that great support would be useful. Al-anon is a wonderful resource. For me I found I could not stay in a home with active alcoholism. When I was witnessing it within my home I felt depressed, stuck, and just plan worried all the time. It is a horrible feeling. I hope you can find your serenity within your home even if you have to change living arrangements.

Unfortunately you do not have the power to change your father's actions and behaviors. He is coping with his loss the best way he can. You did say you cannot cope with this behavior anymore. That is a strong feeling. Use that feeling to change your situation for the positive. You have the power to change your situation.

Keep posting here. We are here with you.

NWGRITS

You've gotten tons of great advice, but then I'm not surprised because the people here at SR are truly amazing. The biggest thing to remember right now is that you are in no way responsible for any of this. The only person you can help and change is yourself. You will never be able to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. Your father is where he is and there's nothing you can do about it.

Focus on yourself. Some may say that's selfish, and you know what? It is. But being selfish isn't always a bad thing. It's about high time you did something to take care of yourself, because you deserve it. We'll just label it self-preservation instead. Take the advice of everyone here. Read the stickies, find a support group, and keeping talking to us here. We'll help you along the way, but just like the alcoholic you have to want to help yourself because we can't do it for you. We'll sure be here cheering you on, though!

sammy2487

I just want to say a HUGE thank you for all your amazing support and advice!!!

Its finally a relief to speak out and have people understand instead of judge!

Im def looking in to going to Al-anon meeting not next week the week after. I will keep you all updated on how it goes!

All your kind words touch my heart and again... thank you!

Sammy xxx