Twinie710

I posted in another thread and I was told this place can help... I hope so...

Hi. I am a alcoholic who has been clean for a little over 5 months (March 19 is my anniversary). These last couple of months have really been tough on me. Before I get into my sister I want to share a little bit of my recovery so far to help understand more.

My family has been such a wonderful breath of fresh air. My mother & Daddy and I have a relationships like best friends- I talk to them numerous times daily and my younger brother and I are back to being closer than ever.

My boyfriend is having a lot of anxiety and problems with trusting me since I got sober. It is causing problems daily. As a newly sober person some things I HAVE to put first and will always put them first. He is having trouble letting go of my lying. Throughout all of the hard times he has been nothing less than a saint in helping me stay sober and embracing it. But I don't know if he could forgive me and it scares me that I am going to lose him.

On top of that, like I said these last few months have been really tough on me and my family. Before I got sober our dog was diagnosed with cancer and got surgery to remove it and has been in remission until July when it grew larger than ever. We do not foresee him lasting longer than September.

On May 27 my younger brother got into a horrible motorcycle accident. He was doing 70 mph when his front brakes locked up and he hit the median while he wasn't wearing any leather. He was rushing to a trauma hospital where we watching him in pain from his neck down- no skin- all road rash. My family spent weeks having to change in bandages and see him in so much pain. Luckily he didn't break anything. God was with my brother that day.

So I made it with coming out that I was an alcoholic causing my parents pain, then with having a family member (our dog) get diagnosed with cancer and then my brother with his accident. Now to make my life so much easy we come upon my twin sister.

When my sister and I were 18 years old my sister moved out. At this time she had already had alcohol poisoning, experimented with numerous drugs (pot, acid, ecstasy and a little coke). My parents took her back into the house before college and told her either she could take a drug test once a week to make sure she didn't bring drugs into the house or get out. My sister left. She moved my grandma's house (we could walk there). My sister was given EVERYTHING she needed and continued to battle with drugs all through college. My family was then split. My parents refused to talk to that side of the family and it made it very easy for my sister to run to them to lie about us and get more $ to support her habits. I went to that side of the family on NUMEROUS occasions to ask them to get my sister in rehab since cocaine has become her new best friend in college n then in graduate school. They ignored me EVERY TIME.

Now 12 yrs later- 4 days ago I got a text from my mother that she noticed her earrings gone. She then went to search her jewelry box only to find that EVERYTHING was GONE. My mom quickly thought of my sister and then decided against it. She didn't think she'd do that to her. My father got involved and we all talked. My father took a guess and called my sister on the phone and confronted her telling her that he knew it was her. She never denied it yet just cried. Later on that day she came by the house and burst into tears and admitted to it. Telling us how much she loved us and she was sorry. I saw the tears and the desperate look in her face and my heart broke. We decided to check out different doctors for her since she said she needed help and knew of a drug suboxone (she works in the medical field). We took her to the doc and he did prescribe it to her. We looked it up and I am so thankful that we held out with giving it to her like the doctor prescribed and that we never gave it to her.

That night I went to my grandma's with my bf and raided her room and found a whole bunch of pills, pot, straws- you name it. Back at my parents home they searched her and found that she had pills in her purse, pocket and all over her. That night she slept like a baby until 4am. My father and I sat up all night talking and we BOTH agreed she must have taken a pill because all of the things we read said she would be going through withdrawal if she was honest with the last time she took a Roxy.

At 4am until today it has been pure hell watching her detox. Day1 she stayed home and she was on the couch- my family were looking up rehabs but nobody would take her until after detox- and all the detox places we took her were full or were on a waiting list. My brother and I decided to go check out the pawn shops in Paterson, Clifton and Wayne where my mother's jewlry went and were hoping to buy it back. It was a disaster and more painful to see where she went to do it. Each place had her ID there but told us the items were gone. My mother's 4 carat heart shaped diamond ring she got less than $700 for, brand new earrings that were $7,000 she got less than $100- and the list goes on. IT WAS AWFUL and it broke my heart.

That night was the worst. My father and I didn't sleep at all between the getting up, screaming in pain, throwing up and diarrhea. IT WAS HELL TO WATCH. The following morning we were on our way to a place called Sunrise at 8am for admissions since a family friend worked there and suggested we take her to a detox program by him. When we were on our way we got a call saying that she wouldn't be accepted because she did not have health insurance. So we called around and took a turn and went to Saint Clare's detox/rehab which told us to go to the emergency room to get her into a room and that a room would be ready for her in the place at 2. So we drove to the emergency room where we proceeded to watch her in pain and screaming. I sat in her bed with her and cried. The bed wasn't rady at 2 and they said by 4. At 4:45 they came to tell us that they were discharging her and that they didn't have room for her since she was going to be a charity bed and she had no help insurance. The woman gave us a number for NA meetings and sent us on our way with a puke bag and all- THANKS A LOT SAINT CLARES FOR NOTHING but a day in the hospital for nothing when we could've been looking at other places. Our hope was shot. We took her back home and continued to watch her detox.

We have finally gotten word that the manager at High Point in Paterson is doing us a favor and letting her into rehab at 8am Monday. FINALLY after 12 yrs of this drug use she is finally asking for help and we couldn't find a place that would help her? I'm sorry but that does NOT make any sense to me.

We have come to find out that she started stealing the night of our 30th birthday in July and continued up until the day my dad confronted her- that morning she was in Paterson at a pawn shop (my brother went back and they claimed they never saw her since it was within 72 hours and by law they'd have to sell it back to us for the price they gave her for it). She has been on adderhal, percs, roxy's... doing over 120mg per day. Not to mention the pot and she also admitted to buying suboxone when she couldn't find her drugs.

All of this seems so much to handle and like its all a dream. It seemed to me like it only happened in the movies- not in my life. At times I find myself wanted to take all of her pain away- she is my twin and I love her and I don't want to see her in this pain but then I think of what she did and the pain that she caused my family and the items that she stole over such a long period of time- how could she do that? how could she look us in the face ad then steal such sentimental pieces of our family?!? It makes me so sick to my stomach yet I love her and want to heal her.

I know from being in the rooms that I can't do anything but be there for my family, stay sober and can only change my actions to the situations I face. I am just having a hard time grasping on to reality right now- I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK but I want to wake up From this nightmare. I wish my grandma and aunts would have listened and not been so stupid- this could've been fixed 12 yrs ago, I just have so much hatred for them. I feel like I've lost my grip on reality- I want to beat up my grandma, aunts, the drug dealer Rico, the pawn shop owners- everyone. I know it was her actions but I think I want to blame everyone else but her- that she was forced- that wasn't the real sister I love.

I know I am rambling on and telling so much of my story but in a way this is helping. So I pray that there is someone out there that can help me or even just listen to me because I could use a friend- between my family in pain, my bf, my dog and my sister- I'm on overload.

Ann

I think almost every member here can relate to your story, we have all gone through the lies, thefts, manipulations, and we have all begged, cried, and tried to control the recovery of our addicted loved ones.

The thing is, their addiction was not ours to "fix". If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

You all seem to have been making all the recovery arrangements for your sister, yet I wonder how willing she is in all this. I really hope she follows through and finds a better path.

Have you and your family tried any Al-Anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings? These are three similar fellowships that have helped so many of us deal with our own pain when a loved one is addicted to drugs. If you haven't, it might be a helpful way to regain your balance.

It is a terrible sad thing to watch a loved one self-destruct, I will keep your sister and you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I do understand your anguish. I do understand wanting to fix it for her. I do understand the anger you feel toward the other "participants" in your sister's addiction. I understand the denial and the frustration. I understand how frightening and difficult it is to watch someone you love so much as they self destruct.

Although you may think you have uncovered the theft and lies and drug use, more than likely that is only a veneer. There is so much more that you don't know. I don't say that to scare you.....I say it because, in most cases, we don't see or know everything and that's a good thing. The whole truth could collapse our world if we knew it all at once.

Your sister will only get clean and sober if she truly wants to. Your own sobriety and recovery can be a shining beacon for her to follow though.

My beautiful, intelligent son has been through two inpatient rehabs and two intensive out patient programs.....he knows what he needs to do to stay clean.....he chooses not to. I have to accept that or continue in the crazy dance. I found help here on SR and in Nar-Anon and Al-Anon. I discovered that it is possible to find peace whether the addict continues to use or not.

Take care of you first. That's the mantra for the loved ones of addicts. I truly hope your sister will be ready to do what she needs to do to beat this dreadful disease. And I hope you're ready to do what you need to do to survive it.....whether she continues to use or not.

gentle hugs
ke