Plath

Growing up, my mom (still to this day) was NEVER wrong. I read an article about "living with an injustice collector" (here is the link, if anyone wants to read it) Do YOU Live With an Injustice Collector? | Psychology Today ...

And the list of the "injustice collector" describes my mom perfectly. As I mentioned, she is still basically like that to this day.

I've been noticing lately, that as I look at some of the people in my life who create their own problems and drama, but refuse to acknowledge their part in any of it, or only half-heartedly acknowledge their part, it has been stirring up a lot of anger, judgement, and impatience for me.

For example, my mom in the present: She has a gigantic St. Bernard who she insists on keeping inside her home. Dogs and animals are really great and everything, but I have a son who is a year old, and a big, slobbering, smelly dog in the house just isn't an option for us to be able to come over to her home and stay with her. It's gross. In my opinion, they're just not "indoor dogs", ya know? Especially when we consider that she got the dog after my son was born, and she would have to have known that it would create a problem if we wanted to come and visit her (yes, the dog is very gentle, but that's not really the point).

My mom does things like this in her life with predictable consistency. She "rescued" the dog from a family who was giving him a foster home, and the family told her specifically that, if she could not keep him, they would take him back and make sure that he found a good home. She also has a fairly large pen in the back of her yard where she could allow him to hang out (instead of inside the house); it has a roof, it's connected to the barn, etc. Not the worst place for a huge, "outside dog".

But she will not do any of this, so staying with her is not an option. If we want to visit my family over there, we have to either get a hotel or stay with my aunt and her husband, who have a non-stop stream of company every weekend, and we don't like to add to their stress.

So... Of course my mom is resentful (passive-aggressively) about the fact that my husband and I offered to come and help her with her yard work, but we haven't been able to (for a variety of reasons, but a lot of has to do with the fact that we can't stay with her because she insists on keeping this dog inside the house AT ALL TIMES).

Trying to explain any of this to her would only result in defensiveness, more resentment, and endless complaining to other family members about it, so I don't bother. I know that she knows that the reason we don't come over as often as we could is because of her dog, but it's not worth pointing out.
I can only hope that I don't repress my desire to tell her this for so long that I end up exploding on her and being really blunt about it, because it would cause a huge big deal that I don't want to deal with.

So then, there's my brother in-law and his drama. I do not like my in-laws (I'm sure I've mentioned this, for those who have seen my other posts). They are really unhealthy people who blame everyone outside of their family for any issues that arise within the family (if that makes sense). At any rate, it's NEVER the fault of my mother in-law, brother in-law, or husband. It's always the "other person", whoever that may be. It's insufferable to be around them a lot of the time, so if they annoy me enough, I end up steering clear of them for a while, which is what I'm doing now.

So my BIL has recently separated from his wife of ten years. They have a four year-old daughter who is not particularly nice to my son, and she is much bigger than he is. She's smart enough to know that she's being mean to him, but she's honestly just not the kind of kid that I want my son to be around. I've seen her do some things that are just mean and nasty (the way a four year-old would be mean and nasty) to him when she thinks no one is looking, and after spending some time with her, he started hitting my husband and I. I love spending time with her as an aunt, but I don't really want her to influence my son.

Anyway, my BIL was a crap husband (granted, his wife wasn't particularly enjoyable to be around either, but she really tried to hold the marriage together by going to therapy, etc., and she's still going), and now he's whining and complaining about the fact that his ex is dating a guy who is becoming a father figure for his daughter. My BIL lives with my MIL (we all live in the same building, for better or worse, for the time being), and my niece stays with them for three nights a week.

Anyway, I don't like the guy. He's a misogynist, and when he broke it off with his wife, he started dating a total psychopath that I couldn't stand to be around. My husband and I finally made it clear that she was not welcome in our home, or around our son. When she flipped out on my BIL and MIL, I think he finally cut it off with her, but I can feel the disgust, judgement, and rage coming through when I look at his behavior, or hear my husband talk about what a "hard time" he's having. Boo Effing Hoo.

When we went to their place for my husband's birthday, my BIL sat on the couch like he was sulking, and watched an old western movie that I didn't really think was appropriate to have on while my son was in the room, but I didn't mention it. If we were trying to take pictures, it was clear that we were in his way.

Then my son had a dirty diaper, and I asked my MIL what she had been doing with the dirty diapers. She actually had the gall to suggest that I put the dirty diaper (number 2, mind you) in a plastic bag and take it home with us. I just looked at her. She started to backtrack, and said, "oh, well maybe I can just put it outside for a while until I can take it out with the trash", and my BIL piped up and said "No, let them take it with them, they won't forget it" (with what I thought was a rather smug look on his face).

Gahh!
So anyway, I'm feeling triggered right now with people who don't own up to their sh!tty behaviors and try to blame it on everyone/everything around them.

I don't like the feeling of having so much rage and judgement brewing inside of me like this, but I am really just feeling very angry right now and have absolutely no sympathy for people who conduct themselves that way.

I've also been feeling really "less than" about myself in many ways, and it's been really hard lately for me to come to terms with my past, or the way that I've acted (or continue to act) when I go into a knee-jerk "people pleasing" mode. It makes me feel ashamed.

So anyway, that's where I'm at today, and I really needed to vent about some of that.
It's rather soap opera-ish, and I know that it's not the details or the people who are the issue, but it will take a little bit of work for me to find the space where this doesn't infuriate me.

frances2011

Vent away! I hear your frustration and anger and annoyance!

I relate to the feelings of being disconnected and completely out of sync with family members and being infuriated.

I wish you peace and empowerment.

My experience is that taking care of myself and my inner circle gave me the experience of being cared for lovingly. From there, I was able to extend my reach to finding and cultivating and loving people in my life who are capable of loving me back.

I don't rely on my biological family for any emotional or physical help. I haven't for years and years.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain and I hope you feel better soon.