Mer

I have been reading SR for months now and thank you all for the insight, freely given advise, and humor. It is all appreciated.

Being a long-timer dealing with my AH and after having him sober for almost three years, he slipped and went to a long term rehab facility. He has been in for 4 months. Now here is the "unusual" part - the medical staff (psychologist, psychiatrist - he has some mental health issues which can act as the stimulus to use) feel that he should return home. The addiction counselors (all of whom are in recovery themselves) feel he should stay.

Because they employ a team approach, they are actually fighting amongst themselves - something that, as an outsider, I find unsettling (to say the least!).

My problem is that my backgound is also medical and I wonder if I can be objective in this. Further, I find conversations with the counselors difficult - believe it or not, I feel the same kind of manipulation from them that I feel with my AH at times. This was totally unexpected !!!! I was trying to be as honest with them as I could be and all I got was "are you sure?" and questions that minimized my concern over this situation ("But you CAN live with OUR decision, right?).

So ... I am in a quandry ... listen to people that have solid medical backgrounds or listen to recovering A's with just a counselor's certificate?

Input greatly appreciated !!!!

FenwayFaithful

I wonder what does your AH think? Does HE feel ready?

4 months is a long time but he has been in a sheltered environment. Would perhaps a halfway house/sober house be a good option for him? This is something that will allow him more freedom in a structured environment.

The truth is he's going to have to leave at some point. Have the counselors told you why they don't feel he's ready? Have the doctors told you why they feel he is?

I don't really think you can make the call. You haven't been there with him every and and I don't think it's fair they're even asking you to make the decision. Do you think he's ready? Are you ready for him to move back in?

Maybe focus on you and your feelings and let him focus on his own issues. If he doesn't feel ready that something the staff can take into consideration.

Mer

AH does feel he is ready to leave - as a matter of fact, he has put together an aftercare plan that the med staff is totally behind. Sad fact is that the med staff actually didn't not think that this was an appropriate place for him at the outset - which, of course, I wish they had told me then!

The counselors feel that the other issues shouldn't enter into the discussion. I think they are fighting over a "chicken and egg" type thing with the med staff feeling that is it the illness that causes the drinking and the counseling staff feeling that the mental issues don't enter into it at all. Further, this particulr rehab is very, very, very big on extended time in rehab as a catalyst to recovery so that is the line they push.

And far as me? I would have him back tomorrow. I know how hard he worked before this slip (btw, it was a one day slip but it was part of our agreement that any slip is too much and that he would be off to rehab if it occured) and i see that humility and determination in his eyes now.

I am now thinking that I will have his local AA sponsor and his local therapist talk to him before I make any decision. That seems reasonable to me. Opinions?

DesertEyes

Hello Mer, and pleased to "meet" you

um..... yes, quite unsettling. Yours truly was employed in that field for many years, so as an insider I can tell you that disagreements amongst a team are normal and expected. However, there is suposed to be _one_ person who has the final say, and then the entire team is supposed to present a single answer to the patient and family.

The general answer would be "no". That's the standard in any medical facility.

There is a general answer for that as well. It would be "neither". Since they lack the professionalism to settle the matter among themselves I am not confident in their ability to provide apropriate advice.

To me that would be the "tie breaker" vote.

My opinion is that I agree with you. Ultimately, the person who is going to deal with the consequences of the decision is _you_. Not the staff at the rehab, or the sponsor, or the local therapist. My opinion is that all those other people can provide you _suggestions_ but nothing more. Addiction is not a black and white condition, nobody can predict the future. The only thing any of us can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Carol Star

I would think the recovery folks would know best

gerryP

If the question is whether to go with the medical staff (psychologist/psych. Dr.) or the recovery people with a 3 week certificate- I would go with the medical staff. Together with what you already know and see in your husband.

laurie6781

I would take a different stance.

Since they disagree at the facility, your answer is simply this.

"No he cannot come home yet. He can go to a Sober Living Environment Facility and see how his 'plan of action' is going to work, but NO he cannot return to this home at this time."

There, problem solved for ALL. He will acclimate back into society while still in a fairly 'safe' environment and not be bringing all his 'baggage' back to you.

I M O the 'experts' at this facility do not seem to be very expert if they cannot agree.

The above, gives you both a chance to start interacting more or not, your choice, and see how he handles his 'plan of action.'

Love and hugs,

Mer

Wow! Thank you all for all your input! I have to admit, I was a little more than surprized when all this came down a week ago! Sheesh! I couldn't pull this in the venue where I practice - I'd be out on my ear!

I have some big thinking to do .....

tbeit

As an manipulative addict who can have just about any Dr. feeding out of my hand I think you should go with the people in recovery. They can see right through his bs even when he cant

m1k3

Mer, the only thing I can add is what do you think is best for you? Remember your wants and needs are as important as his and not only does he need to be ready but so do you.

Your friend,

Mer

Again, thank you all for the "food for thought." I am still struggling. I guess as a dovetail to the medical vs. conselor aspect of this, I also see that, in the past, AH worked hot and heavy on his program and very little on his mental illness - not that it was ignored, but always took a backseat, so to speak.

I keep thinking about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Listening to the councelors would be doing the same thing yet again. Moving the focus to the mental illness would be something new and never tried and something that they can not deal with there.

Another thing that I keep thinking of is how very unprofessional this whole situation is! Truth be told, I have no failth in ANYONE at this particular institution any longer - something that is coloring my decision making process terribly.

Heck! We go through enough with our A's - and now this? (Boy, oh Boy! I feel a resentment coming on!)

SoaringSpirits

What a crazy situation. I don't blame you for having some serious doubts.

Could he go to a sober living environment as a transition while he is getting the 'new' help for his mental illness?

What do you, Mer, want/need in order to have some peace in your life? Can you sit down and write out a list? What about YOU in all this?

Mer

>>>Could he go to a sober living environment as a transition while he is getting the 'new' help for his mental illness? <<<

I DO like this idea .... someone had suggested it before. I am going to look into this in the morning.

>>> What do you, Mer, want/need in order to have some peace in your life? <<<

My first response to this was to have someone else make the decision! :-) But the reality of the situation is that I have to get back to you on that !!!!!

(BTW, I had dinner with a friend of ours who is a psychiatric nurse at the county jail. She said that this happens all the time - but usually the patients and family are not made aware of it. She feels that medical must be very concerned to have "taken it outside" the usual circle. THAT, in and of itself, caused HER concern. SHEESH! NOT what I wanted to hear!)

I think I am going to watch mindless TV now .... I deserve it.