The kids
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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The kids
Does anyone have advice on how to handle my husbands drinking and how much I should share with the kids? They are 11 and 7 and they totally know when he is drinking. Not violent or mean or anything, but sloppy and annoying. I don't want to brush them off but I don't want to make them worry. I try to be honest that he needs to do this himself, that we can't change him. But kids looks to me for comfort and sometimes I have none. They learn in school about the dangers of drinking. But it's still hard for them. Especially since he works hard and gives us an otherwise nice life. Things are much worse than they usually appear.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Hi Aspen,
I have 2 boys aged 10 and 6 and they both know that their Dadddy drinks alot. We seperated last Nov and both AH and I sat them both down and explained why this was happening.
Honesty is best here, just use language that they will understand.
When AH went into treatment last year...we told our eldest son that Daddy wants to stop drinking but he cannot do it on his own and so he needs to go away for a month to help him.
I think once you are honest with them, they will be ok with it.
I wish you luck
M.
I have 2 boys aged 10 and 6 and they both know that their Dadddy drinks alot. We seperated last Nov and both AH and I sat them both down and explained why this was happening.
Honesty is best here, just use language that they will understand.
When AH went into treatment last year...we told our eldest son that Daddy wants to stop drinking but he cannot do it on his own and so he needs to go away for a month to help him.
I think once you are honest with them, they will be ok with it.
I wish you luck
M.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I was lucky enough that AXH did a brief stint in rehab and brought the kids in to have his therapist explain to them what alcoholism is. That made it easy for me to reinforce what they had already learned (alcoholism is a disease; once you have it, you can't control how much you drink and drinking becomes more important than anything else in your life; the only way an alcoholic can get well is by choosing treatment and never drinking again; you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.) I've kept up reinforcing that even after AXH went back to drinking and claimed he was never an alcoholic, he just pretended to be when I left him so I would come back.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I found it really helpful to explain alcoholism to my kids as a disease and an 'allergy.' His body doesn't process alcohol like mine does. Just like my body doesn't process shellfish like theirs do --- and I can't have even one bite of shellfish because my body can't handle it. I think they need to have some info, as kids in the absence of information tend to assume blame. They know something is not right but they don't have the framework to understand it. That's where you come in. You provide the framework and you keep an open discourse.
Al Anon has some good, very basic pamphlets that are helpful to read with the kids. You can get these pamphlets at any Al Anon meeting and they are free. Give them tools and info that are age appropriate. I have spent a lot of time in counseling talking to my therapist about how to talk to my kids. She encourages me to be straight with them and give them a lot of 'reality checks' as appropriate to their ages and to keep the discussions going and have them frequently.
My youngest is 11 and he adores his dad. This has been truly hard on him, but giving him info has helped him understand why dad does some of the things he does, or is obnoxious at times, or too talkative, or argumentative. We go over the 3 C's often: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. That really seemed to resonate with the kids and was something they could understand.
My daughter who is 17 said it all recently. She attends Al Anon with me (the other kids go to Alateen). After a meeting one night where I sat there and cried because a man was telling a story that sounded so much like my own husband, she said "Mom, thank you for not keeping dad's drinking a secret any longer. I am so glad to know the truth and how to deal with my dad."
As hard and horribly painful as all this has been, I can honestly say that me and my kids have learned a great deal from the principles in Al Anon and learning about addiction that have enriched our lives and make us have stronger boundaries and a better sense of self.
Al Anon has some good, very basic pamphlets that are helpful to read with the kids. You can get these pamphlets at any Al Anon meeting and they are free. Give them tools and info that are age appropriate. I have spent a lot of time in counseling talking to my therapist about how to talk to my kids. She encourages me to be straight with them and give them a lot of 'reality checks' as appropriate to their ages and to keep the discussions going and have them frequently.
My youngest is 11 and he adores his dad. This has been truly hard on him, but giving him info has helped him understand why dad does some of the things he does, or is obnoxious at times, or too talkative, or argumentative. We go over the 3 C's often: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. That really seemed to resonate with the kids and was something they could understand.
My daughter who is 17 said it all recently. She attends Al Anon with me (the other kids go to Alateen). After a meeting one night where I sat there and cried because a man was telling a story that sounded so much like my own husband, she said "Mom, thank you for not keeping dad's drinking a secret any longer. I am so glad to know the truth and how to deal with my dad."
As hard and horribly painful as all this has been, I can honestly say that me and my kids have learned a great deal from the principles in Al Anon and learning about addiction that have enriched our lives and make us have stronger boundaries and a better sense of self.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much that you and your children are dealing with this ~
from my experience - the best thing that helped me was Al-Anon and what I have seen help others with children was Alateen - these organizations also have some literature designed for younger children
I believe it helps give us the skills to cope with the stresses and prepares us to help our children to understand & cope with the affects of a loved ones' drinking ~
Wishing the best for you & your family,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
from my experience - the best thing that helped me was Al-Anon and what I have seen help others with children was Alateen - these organizations also have some literature designed for younger children
I believe it helps give us the skills to cope with the stresses and prepares us to help our children to understand & cope with the affects of a loved ones' drinking ~
Wishing the best for you & your family,
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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As an ACOA, I can say that it wasn't the drinking that harmed me. It was the family dynamics. The dishonesty, the pretending everything was okay, the walking on eggshells, etc. My father was the alcoholic, yet I firmly believe my mother caused me more harm as a child. Her obsession with my father and his drinking, her mood swings, her anger, her depression, her denial--all these things caused much more harm than my father's drinking.
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Active alcoholics/addicts make lousy parents.
Kids tend to think they are not worthy of normal- that they somehow are the root cause of all that happens within the family. Kids learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them from their parents.
Kids grow up and this sense of unworthiness often sticks. Best course of action is to remove him or yourselves from the situation. Assuming you are not ready or willing to do so, could some professional help for you and the kids hurt?
Kids tend to think they are not worthy of normal- that they somehow are the root cause of all that happens within the family. Kids learn how to treat others and allow others to treat them from their parents.
Kids grow up and this sense of unworthiness often sticks. Best course of action is to remove him or yourselves from the situation. Assuming you are not ready or willing to do so, could some professional help for you and the kids hurt?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
This may be a bit over-simplified since I started explaining it to my son when he was 5 (AH is his stepdad, and has been in his life since he was 2 1/2), but I basically told him that AH had a sickness that made his brain tell him he needed the alcohol ("the stuff that makes him sleep"), and we didn't know how to make his brain not do that. I told him that AH loved us all very much, but the stuff took over his mind sometimes and made him sleep too much, not be able to walk right, break promises and sometimes say mean things that he didn't mean. He seemed to be able to understand that pretty well.
That was the story until February, when AH went to jail for two months for his second DUI, driving without a license, etc. etc. Our son had turned 6 in December. Then I told him that it was against the law for anyone to drive a vehicle when they'd been drinking that stuff, and that AH broke the law, so he went to jail. Every time we visited him in jail, I reminded my son that that's what happens when you break the law; that's why we have rules for the house that he has to follow, because when he grows up he needs to know how to follow the law so he doesn't go to jail too. Thankfully, AH came out of there with something fundamentally changed...he wanted to be sober. Not dry, not white-knuckling -- sober. Now he has taken over the explanations, telling our son that he goes to meetings that help heal his spirit so that the sickness won't take over his mind again, explaining that sick spirits do very strange things that make your body and mind sick too.
I agree with many of the replies here that the absence of information is about the worst thing you can do. I am an ACOA myself -- my mother was the alcoholic, and my biological father the bitter codie. I never heard anything about alcoholism. After they divorced, the only things I ever heard from my dad were horrible, judgmental things about my mom...which automatically made me think he must hate me too, because there were times when he and others told me I was just like her. When my mom remarried, it was to another alcoholic, and so I experienced physical abuse for the first time when I was 14, thus compounding those negative feelings about myself. If someone had been able to step in at the beginning and explain things to me, let me know that none of it was my fault or that what drunks say about me isn't necessarily true, I might have been a very different person by time I hit adulthood. As was, I didn't start learning until I was 24; by that time I'd had a psychologically abusive first husband, was married to my dear raging alcoholic second husband, and had lost custody of my son because I didn't have the confidence and self-respect to stand up for myself, and in turn stand up for him.
That was the story until February, when AH went to jail for two months for his second DUI, driving without a license, etc. etc. Our son had turned 6 in December. Then I told him that it was against the law for anyone to drive a vehicle when they'd been drinking that stuff, and that AH broke the law, so he went to jail. Every time we visited him in jail, I reminded my son that that's what happens when you break the law; that's why we have rules for the house that he has to follow, because when he grows up he needs to know how to follow the law so he doesn't go to jail too. Thankfully, AH came out of there with something fundamentally changed...he wanted to be sober. Not dry, not white-knuckling -- sober. Now he has taken over the explanations, telling our son that he goes to meetings that help heal his spirit so that the sickness won't take over his mind again, explaining that sick spirits do very strange things that make your body and mind sick too.
I agree with many of the replies here that the absence of information is about the worst thing you can do. I am an ACOA myself -- my mother was the alcoholic, and my biological father the bitter codie. I never heard anything about alcoholism. After they divorced, the only things I ever heard from my dad were horrible, judgmental things about my mom...which automatically made me think he must hate me too, because there were times when he and others told me I was just like her. When my mom remarried, it was to another alcoholic, and so I experienced physical abuse for the first time when I was 14, thus compounding those negative feelings about myself. If someone had been able to step in at the beginning and explain things to me, let me know that none of it was my fault or that what drunks say about me isn't necessarily true, I might have been a very different person by time I hit adulthood. As was, I didn't start learning until I was 24; by that time I'd had a psychologically abusive first husband, was married to my dear raging alcoholic second husband, and had lost custody of my son because I didn't have the confidence and self-respect to stand up for myself, and in turn stand up for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
As an ACOA, I can say that it wasn't the drinking that harmed me. It was the family dynamics. The dishonesty, the pretending everything was okay, the walking on eggshells, etc. My father was the alcoholic, yet I firmly believe my mother caused me more harm as a child. Her obsession with my father and his drinking, her mood swings, her anger, her depression, her denial--all these things caused much more harm than my father's drinking.
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
As an ACOA, I can say that it wasn't the drinking that harmed me. It was the family dynamics. The dishonesty, the pretending everything was okay, the walking on eggshells, etc. My father was the alcoholic, yet I firmly believe my mother caused me more harm as a child. Her obsession with my father and his drinking, her mood swings, her anger, her depression, her denial--all these things caused much more harm than my father's drinking. Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
My 10 year old knows he can't see his father because of the alcohol. He has made several comments to me in regards to alcohol( most recently complaining about the beer smell at a baseball game) 4yo doesn't talk about it.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
As an ACOA, I can say that it wasn't the drinking that harmed me. It was the family dynamics. The dishonesty, the pretending everything was okay, the walking on eggshells, etc. My father was the alcoholic, yet I firmly believe my mother caused me more harm as a child. Her obsession with my father and his drinking, her mood swings, her anger, her depression, her denial--all these things caused much more harm than my father's drinking.
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
L
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Great post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
I don't believe it is possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Sadly, it doesn't seem possible to raise happy, well-adjusted children in an alcoholic home.
I don't believe it is possible.
Last edited by kudzujean; 08-26-2012 at 07:39 AM. Reason: clarity
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