rdlesstraveled

I have sort of shied away from posting in this forum because (at first) I was focusing on healing (and feeling great, btw!) but then..... I took a phone call from "him" and now I'm embarassed.

D***, I was doing so well. I thought that I could handle a measly phone call! Apparently not because I stayed on the phone with him for 3
hours. And before ya know it, I had fallen into this "role" again. By "role" I don't mean like a title per se, like girlfriend or buddy or chum, but I fell into this familiar rhythym with him again.....

*sidenote* I am REALLY REALLY trying not to get emotionally involved. I am trying to just be his friend, but this is difficult (given our history).

I am also confused about "handing things over to my higher power/God". I mean, I did this (at least I thought I did) and then he called me (not God, but the ex, Alex -lol I WISH God would call me on my cell, that would make things sooooo much easier!!!!) Sooooooo, how do I know what my higher power wants me to do??? In this case, I had totally stepped back from Alex. So after "detaching" do I still take calls? Do I not get involved at all? What if my higher power wants me to get involved? Argh!!!! I am confused!!!!!!

So how do I know what my higher power wants me to do???? How can I figure out which is my higher power and which is my sneaky little ego trying to control things?????

suki44883

I would think that if getting involved leaves you upset, confused or any other negative feeling, then that is something your higher power wouldn't want you to do.

Sounds like you were doing so much better with the no contact rule in place. Maybe you should go back to that?

Hypatia

I like to think of such things as life's little reminders. Afterwards, I think about what happened and whether I feel better or worse as a result of my decision. And that helps me choose what to do the next time I find myself facing a similar situation.

FredG

Instincts and 'gut feelings' were given to us by God (as you choose to understand Him/Her) in order for us to have a better understanding of the direction we're meant to take. If I fight against these and go with what my head or heart dictate, I will almost always break my nose when I fall flat on my face.

rdlesstraveled

the sad thing FredG is that I have absolutely no idea if I am having a gut feeling or instinct or if it is just my ego tricking me. Right now, all three feel the same to me. I guess that is why I need some time to myself to remember the difference.

CentralOhioDad

1. Your Higher Power gave you the strength to get away from it in the first place. Doubt that the HP would send you back to a bad situation.
2. Don't be embarassed about what you did, and about posting here - that's why this place exists.
3. I don't think "just be his friend" is going to work until everyone has healed, and at that point, being friends may no longer be appealing, or even necessary.
4. Step back, take some breaths, and have a long, long chat with your HP and ask yourself, and HP, what YOU gained from last night, and what you will gain by resuming an unhealthy situation all over again.

Good Luck

Hypatia

Fred, your understanding of free will is very different from mine. My head and my heart were given to me by my HP. My instincts and gut feelings, however, have often developed as a result of my experiences.

My instinct is to try and save my AH. My gut says that I have the power to help him. My head has learned, however, that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. And my heart is sad as a result.

FireSprite

I absolutely agree. .... if you can't differentiate the feelings & where they originate from maybe it's time to spend some time with YOU. For me, understanding myself on that deep core level equates to trusting myself too... when I lost that during my struggles with AH I questioned everything, never felt comfortable making a decision, second-guessed every stinking thing all day long.

When I spent some time with ME restoring that trust & tuning in to listen to my inner instincts all of that wishy-washiness went away. Now, when I make a decision that isn't in MY best interests, that inner voice just SCREAMS, lol. It is empowering. Just my $.02!

Tuffgirl

When I am on my right path, things just work. They flow, and I feel good about it all. When I get off that path, things become challenging and I become anxious and confused.

It may be that you are listening to yourself, only you don't like what you are saying right now. Its easy to fall into the trap of wishing and hoping things would be the way we want them to be and not accept them for how they actually are right here and now.

How did you feel after you got off the phone? That's a good indicator of whether or not this is your right path.

And P.S. Paths change. What may be the right place for you right now may be completely different next week. That's ok too.

outtolunch

My codependency is all about my ego.

If you are really, really trying to not get emotionally involved, you really, really need not pick up when he calls. Changing your phone number eliminates the temptation.

LaTeeDa

I had a similar conversation with my therapist once. I asked her how to differentiate between the "small, quiet voice" that is my instinct and the "committee in my head."

She said the instinct never shames you or "shoulds" you. It always has your best interest at heart. It never makes you feel bad. It's the little voice that says "maybe you should slow down" when you're walking quickly on an ice-covered sidewalk. (Right before you slip and fall, lol.)

L

rdlesstraveled

I think that you are 100% correct. coda and ego.

rdlesstraveled

thank you! oooooh that voice! I am going to give that guy a megaphone until he learns to speak up!

rdlesstraveled

And P.S. Paths change. What may be the right place for you right now may be completely different next week. That's ok too

I like that. That lessens the stress of trying to pigeon hole "my path" It is not something I can catch up with or catch in a net. It is always moving, I just have to make sure that I am walking on the path with the street sign that reads "Serenity" As long as I am walking on that path, I think that I will be walking in the right direction.

Recover53

bring this up as a topic in 3 different alanon mtgs, you will get your answer and help others in the process.

Learn2Live

You needn't feel embarrassed about talking to him here. We all have been through what you are going through. First time I went through it, I just couldn't let go. I held on and kept going back to a crack addict who did not care about me for a year and a half! Each time, I'd get burned, severely hurt, etc. I kept coming up with excuses for going back with him time and again. Towards the end, I realized I HAD to do it because I needed to see what Inwas doing. The longer I went to Al-Anon, though, the more was revealed to me about myself and what I was doing. Now, 15 years and 4 relationships later, although the hurt of betrayal and abandonment are still the same, I can immediately go No Contact when I know something is amiss, and I take much less time letting go emotionally and recovering. I went from a year and a half to about 2 months this last time.

My point? It's all practice. Just keep posting here, keep reading others' posts, keep going to Al-Anon, keep working on yourself, and keep breathing. You're doing great!

LifeRecovery

For me it was not about making the voice louder.

It was about getting rid of some of the chaos that I lived with in my life that I allowed to drown out this voice. I did it for a very long time, and healing from living with a problem drinker is finally what allowed me to do that.

m1k3

I look at it this way. The part of the human brain that evolved to use language is relatively new. The instincts that my ancient ancestors used to survive in a hostile world developed much further in the past. It isn't always a verbal warning in your head, it's more a feeling of something isn't right or there is danger nearby.

It self defense classes and in the military you are taught to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

These are feelings that come from way deep in the brain and their only purpose is to help you survive. So, when you get that "he/she is so great, but" feeling pay more attention to the but. Even if you can't put your finger on what is wrong pay attention because something isn't right.

I ignored my instincts for a long time with my AW. I came up with all sorts of excuses for her behavior and my accepting it. I was wrong and it lead to years and years of suffering. I will never ignore my instincts again.

Your friend,

Hypatia

Mike, aren't you really talking about intuition?

m1k3

I guess it could be called that. The best example I can give is you are walking somewhere, not really paying attention and all of a sudden you stop. Your not sure why but it just doesn't feel right or safe. The smart thing to do is turn around and walk away. Don't talk yourself into "oh, I'm just being silly there isn't anything here".

Or on so many posts you read he's a wonderful person but... That but is a part of your brain that is seeing something wrong and giving you a warning. It isn't always right but it is always wise to pay attention to it.

Instincts aren't something you learn, they are hard wired. How ever experience sharpens them or dulls them depending on how we choose to react to that feeling. The problem is too often we talk ourselves out of paying attention to them. I know I did with my AW and I regret it.

Your friend,