hebahob

Hey all, here's what's been going on: we loved and love each other but we're broken up. We tried chatting after but it was still too soon. However in one of the recent chats I found out she's been doing heavy doses of painkillers. She has had a history with strong drugs before (her mother, her friends). From the stickies, etc. I understand that what I should do is

1. Send her info on local rehab centers
2. Walk away

Is that really the only thing I can do? We're apart but I love this girl. Anything I can tell her or do to help? I wish she had a better support structure but I think even though we're apart I'm the closest person she has?

outtolunch

Sending her stuff about local rehabs may make you feel better- like you have done something about it.

The reality is she is quite capable of locating resources on her own, when and if she's ready to change.

zoso77

Hi...are you new to the board?

Be careful. She lets it be known she's on heavy doses of painkillers. That's a big hook, and if you take that bait, you're going to be in for a world of hurt.

It's up to her to embrace recovery, starting with locating rehab centers. You can't do that for her. Nor can anyone else. That's up to her.

So, what you really want to consider is "detaching with love", which means accepting that she's sick, is beyond your help, and now you have to protect yourself. Doesn't mean you don't love her. What it does mean that your wellness depends on protecting yourself from things you can't handle. And this is one thing you can't handle.

Best,
ZoSo

tjp613

Think of it this way... If she was morbidly obese and the doctor told her if she didn't lose weight that she would die within a short time period. Yet, she continues to eat loads and loads of chips, ice cream, chocolate bars, t-bone steaks and loaded baked potatoes. You can SEE that she is choosing to essentially kill herself but you really are powerless to DO anything about it. You can lecture, beg, reason...you can take all the junk food out of the house...you can send her to the best doctors in the universe and buy a gym membership for her. But she can just run down to the corner store and buy all the junk she wants, anytime she wants, because ultimately she is in control and she will do as she pleases. And nothing will change that until SHE wants to make a change.

hebahob

Yea, this is true. I think a lot of what I want to do to help her is to feel like I'm doing something.

hebahob

Hey yep, new here. New to addiction help in general but I consult the internets for all of the things I'm unfamiliar with so there you go

There is such a strong need to bring her into my embrace and 'love her to recovery'. I have a friend who dealt with an addict SO and I'm going to see what she says as well but I'm leaning toward 'detaching with love'. I like that phrasing, it makes me feel better about abandoning this girl.

hebahob

This makes a lot of sense to me, as one who binge ate earlier in his life. I'm unfamiliar with drug addiction as I mentioned above, but food addiction I kind of get. It's good to have something to draw parallels to when I'm dealing with something this scary.

zoso77

I'm glad you found the board and found us. Welcome.

Here's a tough question for you, though. Is "loving her to recovery" for her, or is it for you? This is where you need to be honest with yourself. Because I can tell you straight up that you can love her all you want and it doesn't make a lick of difference regarding her recovery.

If you really want to know what you're dealing with, go read the sticky note called "What Addicts Do". That's what you're up against. The best thing you can do for her, and for you, is to stay out of her way and allow her the dignity to make her own decisions, for good or for ill. That's part of detaching, man.

If you really need to talk, shoot me a PM. I usually answer those at night.

Best,
ZoSo

outtolunch

Good analogy.

More likely this woman would just order in....

Finding drugs is just as easy.

crazybabie

Welcome to SR. You can't love her to recovery your not that powerful if our addicted loved ones could be "loved" to recovery none of us would be here.

hebahob

Thanks everyone. An update, she may be on meth now so things got really screwed up. I've taken the route suggested on here and am keeping clear of it and that's hard to do but it's easier as I get used to the shock that I've left her to her own decisions. Feels bad, man. Peace.