Please help, my actions have caused such pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 1
Please help, my actions have caused such pain
Hi, I am completely new here and have never done this before but am at a point in which I need to be honest and face up to my reality.
I have had a somewhat troubled childhood, with abusive parents, abandonment and lack of stability. Everyone has always told me how well I have coped and how string I am, however I knew that deep down I was still affected by my past and it showed itself in my insecurities, barriers I put up and mostly my partying lifestyle.
I was never into drugs and didn't drink much till the age of 21, I am now 26. I had at this point met a partner who partied a lot and at times was aggressive when drunk or sober. I ended up getting carried away with our lifestyle, drinking excessively, blacking out. We got into a few fights, he punched me, I hit him, he tried to choke me, the list went on. Although we loved each other I knew the relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. He found it harder than me but eventually we split.
I then got scared, wondering if the violence I had given back to him was still a part of me. I am a relaxed, positive, diplomatic person when I'm sober and hate the idea that I could treat anyone I love in this way. As a result I avoided relationships for some time. I then found myself in the beginnings of a scary relationship at the start of last year. I say scary, not becuase of any real threat but because the person who I got with is someone I have known for 13 years, we were close friends and always loved each other, and the prospect of being with him scared me. I knew I was vulnerable to showing everything that I am to him, good and bad.
Anyway, we got together and fell more and more in love, trouble is he likes to drink alot too. Ulitmately it was only a matter of time till I started having late night sessions with him that 5 times out of ten would end in me screaming at him, trying to hit him, getting in such an emotional state that it was unbearable. He loved me though and wanted to help me through it, and our relationship is amazing when we're both sober. But the temptation for him to drink large amounts kept coming up, and I would always join him in it, resulting in yet another argument/fight. His family dislike me, understandably, and had their doubts. But we are so happy and peaceful when we don't drink. The last few months however were settled and happy until Thursday night That night neither of us ate and went out drinking, we ended arguing when we got home, ended up in a tussle, he accidentely caught my nose and it started bleeding. After this I was crazy, screaming that he had deliberately hit me(I don't know why I do this!) to which he shouted to call the police if that's what I though. Of course, in my stupidity and usual non thinking when drunk way, I did. He was taken down to the station that night and let go in the morning, dropped off by his mum who shouted at me from her car when she saw me.
Now you know the story, and I feel awful, guilty and ashamed that I have hurt the only person I care about. I think he is going to leave me and I don't blame him. We love each other so much but the fact that his family want him to have nothing more to do with me is a big factor. I have now made a vow to myself to stop drinking. I cannot and will not ruin my or anyone else's life any longer. I just wish I could do it with him. I know it's a long post, thank you for reading. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences as I feel very alone right now.
I have had a somewhat troubled childhood, with abusive parents, abandonment and lack of stability. Everyone has always told me how well I have coped and how string I am, however I knew that deep down I was still affected by my past and it showed itself in my insecurities, barriers I put up and mostly my partying lifestyle.
I was never into drugs and didn't drink much till the age of 21, I am now 26. I had at this point met a partner who partied a lot and at times was aggressive when drunk or sober. I ended up getting carried away with our lifestyle, drinking excessively, blacking out. We got into a few fights, he punched me, I hit him, he tried to choke me, the list went on. Although we loved each other I knew the relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. He found it harder than me but eventually we split.
I then got scared, wondering if the violence I had given back to him was still a part of me. I am a relaxed, positive, diplomatic person when I'm sober and hate the idea that I could treat anyone I love in this way. As a result I avoided relationships for some time. I then found myself in the beginnings of a scary relationship at the start of last year. I say scary, not becuase of any real threat but because the person who I got with is someone I have known for 13 years, we were close friends and always loved each other, and the prospect of being with him scared me. I knew I was vulnerable to showing everything that I am to him, good and bad.
Anyway, we got together and fell more and more in love, trouble is he likes to drink alot too. Ulitmately it was only a matter of time till I started having late night sessions with him that 5 times out of ten would end in me screaming at him, trying to hit him, getting in such an emotional state that it was unbearable. He loved me though and wanted to help me through it, and our relationship is amazing when we're both sober. But the temptation for him to drink large amounts kept coming up, and I would always join him in it, resulting in yet another argument/fight. His family dislike me, understandably, and had their doubts. But we are so happy and peaceful when we don't drink. The last few months however were settled and happy until Thursday night That night neither of us ate and went out drinking, we ended arguing when we got home, ended up in a tussle, he accidentely caught my nose and it started bleeding. After this I was crazy, screaming that he had deliberately hit me(I don't know why I do this!) to which he shouted to call the police if that's what I though. Of course, in my stupidity and usual non thinking when drunk way, I did. He was taken down to the station that night and let go in the morning, dropped off by his mum who shouted at me from her car when she saw me.
Now you know the story, and I feel awful, guilty and ashamed that I have hurt the only person I care about. I think he is going to leave me and I don't blame him. We love each other so much but the fact that his family want him to have nothing more to do with me is a big factor. I have now made a vow to myself to stop drinking. I cannot and will not ruin my or anyone else's life any longer. I just wish I could do it with him. I know it's a long post, thank you for reading. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences as I feel very alone right now.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hi Helen333,
If you want to give up drinking this is a good place for support and experience, there are lots of threads about different ways of achieving and then maintaining sobriety.
I mention maintaining sobriety as i've had to learn new ways of coping with the good, the bad, the boring and interesting things that happen in life without my old panacea alcohol .
Accepting how little control over my life and alcohol i genuinely had was the start for changing things,
Bestwishes, M
If you want to give up drinking this is a good place for support and experience, there are lots of threads about different ways of achieving and then maintaining sobriety.
I mention maintaining sobriety as i've had to learn new ways of coping with the good, the bad, the boring and interesting things that happen in life without my old panacea alcohol .
Accepting how little control over my life and alcohol i genuinely had was the start for changing things,
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Helen333 
Hi, I am completely new here and have never done this before but am at a point in which I need to be honest and face up to my reality.
I have had a somewhat troubled childhood, with abusive parents, abandonment and lack of stability. Everyone has always told me how well I have coped and how string I am, however I knew that deep down I was still affected by my past and it showed itself in my insecurities, barriers I put up and mostly my partying lifestyle.
I was never into drugs and didn't drink much till the age of 21, I am now 26. I had at this point met a partner who partied a lot and at times was aggressive when drunk or sober. I ended up getting carried away with our lifestyle, drinking excessively, blacking out. We got into a few fights, he punched me, I hit him, he tried to choke me, the list went on. Although we loved each other I knew the relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. He found it harder than me but eventually we split.
I then got scared, wondering if the violence I had given back to him was still a part of me. I am a relaxed, positive, diplomatic person when I'm sober and hate the idea that I could treat anyone I love in this way. As a result I avoided relationships for some time. I then found myself in the beginnings of a scary relationship at the start of last year. I say scary, not becuase of any real threat but because the person who I got with is someone I have known for 13 years, we were close friends and always loved each other, and the prospect of being with him scared me. I knew I was vulnerable to showing everything that I am to him, good and bad.
Anyway, we got together and fell more and more in love, trouble is he likes to drink alot too. Ulitmately it was only a matter of time till I started having late night sessions with him that 5 times out of ten would end in me screaming at him, trying to hit him, getting in such an emotional state that it was unbearable. He loved me though and wanted to help me through it, and our relationship is amazing when we're both sober. But the temptation for him to drink large amounts kept coming up, and I would always join him in it, resulting in yet another argument/fight. His family dislike me, understandably, and had their doubts. But we are so happy and peaceful when we don't drink. The last few months however were settled and happy until Thursday night That night neither of us ate and went out drinking, we ended arguing when we got home, ended up in a tussle, he accidentely caught my nose and it started bleeding. After this I was crazy, screaming that he had deliberately hit me(I don't know why I do this!) to which he shouted to call the police if that's what I though. Of course, in my stupidity and usual non thinking when drunk way, I did. He was taken down to the station that night and let go in the morning, dropped off by his mum who shouted at me from her car when she saw me.
Now you know the story, and I feel awful, guilty and ashamed that I have hurt the only person I care about. I think he is going to leave me and I don't blame him. We love each other so much but the fact that his family want him to have nothing more to do with me is a big factor. I have now made a vow to myself to stop drinking. I cannot and will not ruin my or anyone else's life any longer. I just wish I could do it with him. I know it's a long post, thank you for reading. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences as I feel very alone right now.
I have had a somewhat troubled childhood, with abusive parents, abandonment and lack of stability. Everyone has always told me how well I have coped and how string I am, however I knew that deep down I was still affected by my past and it showed itself in my insecurities, barriers I put up and mostly my partying lifestyle.
I was never into drugs and didn't drink much till the age of 21, I am now 26. I had at this point met a partner who partied a lot and at times was aggressive when drunk or sober. I ended up getting carried away with our lifestyle, drinking excessively, blacking out. We got into a few fights, he punched me, I hit him, he tried to choke me, the list went on. Although we loved each other I knew the relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. He found it harder than me but eventually we split.
I then got scared, wondering if the violence I had given back to him was still a part of me. I am a relaxed, positive, diplomatic person when I'm sober and hate the idea that I could treat anyone I love in this way. As a result I avoided relationships for some time. I then found myself in the beginnings of a scary relationship at the start of last year. I say scary, not becuase of any real threat but because the person who I got with is someone I have known for 13 years, we were close friends and always loved each other, and the prospect of being with him scared me. I knew I was vulnerable to showing everything that I am to him, good and bad.
Anyway, we got together and fell more and more in love, trouble is he likes to drink alot too. Ulitmately it was only a matter of time till I started having late night sessions with him that 5 times out of ten would end in me screaming at him, trying to hit him, getting in such an emotional state that it was unbearable. He loved me though and wanted to help me through it, and our relationship is amazing when we're both sober. But the temptation for him to drink large amounts kept coming up, and I would always join him in it, resulting in yet another argument/fight. His family dislike me, understandably, and had their doubts. But we are so happy and peaceful when we don't drink. The last few months however were settled and happy until Thursday night That night neither of us ate and went out drinking, we ended arguing when we got home, ended up in a tussle, he accidentely caught my nose and it started bleeding. After this I was crazy, screaming that he had deliberately hit me(I don't know why I do this!) to which he shouted to call the police if that's what I though. Of course, in my stupidity and usual non thinking when drunk way, I did. He was taken down to the station that night and let go in the morning, dropped off by his mum who shouted at me from her car when she saw me.
Now you know the story, and I feel awful, guilty and ashamed that I have hurt the only person I care about. I think he is going to leave me and I don't blame him. We love each other so much but the fact that his family want him to have nothing more to do with me is a big factor. I have now made a vow to myself to stop drinking. I cannot and will not ruin my or anyone else's life any longer. I just wish I could do it with him. I know it's a long post, thank you for reading. Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences as I feel very alone right now.
You would hear your story told often at the tables.
When your mind has cleared and you are working the Steps, I think you will see that there is little "Love" in your story above.
AA enabled me to get/stay sober and deal with the wreckage of the past.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Hi Helen and welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
First off, you are not alone. I recognized a lot of my story in yours.
I think many of us who grew up in abusive or high conflict households mistake drama for love, and we'll make that mistake again and again til we examine those issues.
Getting sober is a great first step. But for myself, I've realized I need to do more. Though I'm loving, I don't think I ever really learned how to love -- or more importantly, how to receive it. Though I'm "diplomatic" when sober, too, I don't think I've ever really made peace with myself, or my past -- or really learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way.
A few books that I have read lately that have really helped me: Toxic Parents, Loving the Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Healing the Shame That Binds You.
I don't want to pretend to have any great wisdom here... I'm just starting out on this journey myself, and I'm 40. But I wanted to say that you are not alone, and maybe some of the things I've been reading, in which I've found a sense of recognition, might help you, too.
Remember, you are a good person. Stick around SR -- it's a great place.
First off, you are not alone. I recognized a lot of my story in yours.
I think many of us who grew up in abusive or high conflict households mistake drama for love, and we'll make that mistake again and again til we examine those issues.
Getting sober is a great first step. But for myself, I've realized I need to do more. Though I'm loving, I don't think I ever really learned how to love -- or more importantly, how to receive it. Though I'm "diplomatic" when sober, too, I don't think I've ever really made peace with myself, or my past -- or really learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way.
A few books that I have read lately that have really helped me: Toxic Parents, Loving the Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Healing the Shame That Binds You.
I don't want to pretend to have any great wisdom here... I'm just starting out on this journey myself, and I'm 40. But I wanted to say that you are not alone, and maybe some of the things I've been reading, in which I've found a sense of recognition, might help you, too.
Remember, you are a good person. Stick around SR -- it's a great place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Helen 
You are not the first person to discover that they are not the nicest person in the world after a few drinks, nor will you be the last. My stepdad calls it Dodgy In Drink. He's Irish and it's so common there they have to call it D.I.D
The only thing that concerns me is that really, it takes two to tango... I have been in abusive and volatile relationships before and know plenty of people who have been 'accidentally' elbowed in the face and what not... I always question the plausibility of those kind of accidents.
Please don't beat yourself up too much and know that there is a lot of help available to help you stop drinking. It isn't always easy but it is worth it.
Glad you're here x
You are not the first person to discover that they are not the nicest person in the world after a few drinks, nor will you be the last. My stepdad calls it Dodgy In Drink. He's Irish and it's so common there they have to call it D.I.D
The only thing that concerns me is that really, it takes two to tango... I have been in abusive and volatile relationships before and know plenty of people who have been 'accidentally' elbowed in the face and what not... I always question the plausibility of those kind of accidents.
Please don't beat yourself up too much and know that there is a lot of help available to help you stop drinking. It isn't always easy but it is worth it.
Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
It does sound like both of you need to quit, but focus on yourself first, please. Ultimately you must know these kinds of crazy and volatile relationships do not make either person happy. If you get along so well when you're sober, why don't you stop drinking and see what happens?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Helen - welcome to SR
I'm sorry about what happened - I think only time will tell with regards to your bf's reaction and what happens next.
I think a lot of us find ourselves in crazy drama filled lives when we drink - there may indeed be something in what Deserto said about mistaking drama for love for a lot of us.
I think the primary issue here is not actually your relationship or what you've done but that drinking is doing you no good at all.
I think with a little sobriety and a clear head you'd be far better equipped to sort yourself out and evaluate your life and your current relationships
I know you'll find a lot of support here - would you be thinking of face to face support too like AA or some other programme, Helen?
D
I'm sorry about what happened - I think only time will tell with regards to your bf's reaction and what happens next.
I think a lot of us find ourselves in crazy drama filled lives when we drink - there may indeed be something in what Deserto said about mistaking drama for love for a lot of us.
I think the primary issue here is not actually your relationship or what you've done but that drinking is doing you no good at all.
I think with a little sobriety and a clear head you'd be far better equipped to sort yourself out and evaluate your life and your current relationships
I know you'll find a lot of support here - would you be thinking of face to face support too like AA or some other programme, Helen?
D
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