Advice in my struggle with my addict in recovery (this is long)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 7
Advice in my struggle with my addict in recovery (this is long)
my story is long, I applogize for that in advance, but right now I just need any advice, some sort of Hope, or light in this very datk tunnel.
I have been with my now fiancé for a little over three years, we had only known each other maybe a month when we began dating, so his past was completely unknown to me. When we first meet he was a pot smoker, but he had Told me it was a social thing, that if I didn't like it he would quit. But at the time I didn't care, I really just thought we were having fun, no serious big deal. But that ended up not being the case. After about a year I had asked him to stop because what he described as social, was really getting high while sitting at home alone, or 5 mins before work, basically every chance he could get. And he was constantly broke, always over drawn at the bank, always wanting to borrow money. It was just getting ridiculous. He had Told me he had been getting high since his dad got him high when he was about 15. But I did it, I asked him to quit, and he swore he stopped. He never stopped, he just got really good at hiding it. And it soon become a vicious cycle of me asking him to stop and him coming up with more ways to hide it.
Then in Feb 2011, we were out at a party with my friends who didn't really like him to much when he blacked out from drinking, and I have truly never seen someone act so crazy, well there was a fight, and two guys put him in his car and told him to go. And I guess from the intoxication and anger, he sped off wrecking his car about 200 feet away from where I was standing. It was such a horrific sight, I swore he had to be dead. And doctors have said had he not been so drunk he would've died. But he didn't and came out with scrapes and bruises, and no memory off the night. I however was traumatized. Watching the person I loved nearly die right before me.
But that accident ended up being a good thing over a year later, but that following year was a nightmare.
after the accident I didn't want to see him, I wouldnt talk to him I just wanted him to stay away, cause anything about him just caused me to flash back to that night and panic all over again. But in march I found out I was pregnant, and I had to speak to him. He swore everything was going to be different. He was so over joyed. So I took him back. And it was good, at first. But then I don't know what happened, for a good month he was so verbally and emotionally abusive, telling me that smoking cigarettes was going to make the baby ******** and that he wouldnt let me forget it, and that he was going to take the baby away from me, and yes I did quit smoking, he just want giving me any time. But finally a Co worker of mine jumped his case and he backed off again. And wet were fine, we got engaged in August, and then down hill it went. He was going out partying every chance he got, and I was at home, alone and miserable (I stayed very sick) all the while stressing out about how to buy everything the baby would need, how I was gong to survive while on maternity leave, cause he never had money, always called off work, while I was working 40hrs a week 8 months pregnant. It was getting unbearable. And the closer I got to my due date the worse he got. But he always had an excuse "i'm getting it out of my system before the baby comes." If only that was the truth.
When the baby came, it was a very long and tramatic experiance. I was in labor 3days and almost lost my life, and he slept a majority of the time, even falling asleep during the pushing stage. I couldnt figure out then what was going on. But now I know he was going thru With drawl from not being able to smoke the pot he had previously.swore he was done with.
Well after our daughter was born, that first two Weeks was great. He was here as much as possible (we do not live together) but that too soon stopped. Oh and I also ended up with post partum and swore I was going insane.
Well 2 days before Christmas eve we had a huge blow up argument and broke up. But on Christmas eve he decided he didn't want to lose me. And we got Back together. 2 Weeks later when our daughter was only two months old I discovered he had been chatting with his seventeen year old neighbor on twitter, very sexually. I was devastated, he had sworn he never touched her, that it was all just fun and perversion. But do I believe it, not really. Everythings been a lie this far. I also found a bottle of percs in his room the same day. but I couldn't give up on him and we stayed together , but I have him the engagement ring back.
It was shortly after this that he was forced into rehab, and all pot smoking and drug use had to stop or he went to jail, (due to his car accident and dui). But he found a easy way around that by smoking K2. BUT THANKFULLY HE DID make himself quit that, due to the fact that he woke up feeling like he was going to die and it scared him really good. And now you can't even buy it where we live.
I really felt rehab was a good thing, he was doing really well and had been sober for 7 months.
But as a result of rehab I have learned everything from day one was a lie.
I found out that he had been a serious coke addict up till the day we started dating, that he would rob houses to pay for the addiction, that in the whole month that he was actually smoking the k2 he had smoked it over 200 times. That he had also tried bath salts. Just so much came out that I never knew or was blatantly lied to about.
And now all he does is find ways or places to drink, but swears its not a problem, its just something to do with his friends.
Our daughter is 9 months old and I've gone out with friends 4 times, he's gone out at least a dozen times already this month. in 9 months he's spent time with our daughter collectively 2 months, more than half of which I have forced him to. He's maybe spent 100$ on her ever, but buys his video games, alcohol, and whatever else he decides he wants.
But rehab just ended, and he's saying he's really going to give his all into staying sober, and do everything for us he can. And for the past month he'd stuck with that mostly, but still does his partying. But I find myself constantly worried he's going to relapse, going to leave us for drugs, I have no trust in him, i'm always finding reasons to be mad because of the past. I feel like if i'm not with him 24/7 he's going to mess up. I'm driving myself crazy, wearing myself out trying to take care of a baby, and figure out how to cope with all of this, and support him in this. I have no one on my side, but I just can't give up on him. he's been through things her won't let me share with them, every type of abuse, his father and step mother was heroin addicts and both lost thier lives to it, his mother remarried an abusive alcoholic. He was bullied in school, mistreated horribly by his ex girl friend who was a crack addict. I just want him to know i'm here and i'm not going to hurt him. That he has to trust me and share with me how he's feeling, cause keeping it all in, isn't helping either of us. That if he was honest I would find a way to help him, and I just don't know where to go from here?? I'm scared and alone.
My father is an alcoholic and had been my while life, many people in my family are addicts, many people we work with are coke addicts or pot heads, I know how addiction works, I have never done a drug, so I dont understand what that's like, but I suffered from bulimia for 8 years when he asked me to stop I did, and I still struggle with it, but I talk to him, and the love I have footer my daughter keeps me from it, I also suffered from cutting up until 3 months before I met him, and deal with that struggle, but have not done it in 4 years. So I can relate, but he says its different and i'm just flat out crazy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have been with my now fiancé for a little over three years, we had only known each other maybe a month when we began dating, so his past was completely unknown to me. When we first meet he was a pot smoker, but he had Told me it was a social thing, that if I didn't like it he would quit. But at the time I didn't care, I really just thought we were having fun, no serious big deal. But that ended up not being the case. After about a year I had asked him to stop because what he described as social, was really getting high while sitting at home alone, or 5 mins before work, basically every chance he could get. And he was constantly broke, always over drawn at the bank, always wanting to borrow money. It was just getting ridiculous. He had Told me he had been getting high since his dad got him high when he was about 15. But I did it, I asked him to quit, and he swore he stopped. He never stopped, he just got really good at hiding it. And it soon become a vicious cycle of me asking him to stop and him coming up with more ways to hide it.
Then in Feb 2011, we were out at a party with my friends who didn't really like him to much when he blacked out from drinking, and I have truly never seen someone act so crazy, well there was a fight, and two guys put him in his car and told him to go. And I guess from the intoxication and anger, he sped off wrecking his car about 200 feet away from where I was standing. It was such a horrific sight, I swore he had to be dead. And doctors have said had he not been so drunk he would've died. But he didn't and came out with scrapes and bruises, and no memory off the night. I however was traumatized. Watching the person I loved nearly die right before me.
But that accident ended up being a good thing over a year later, but that following year was a nightmare.
after the accident I didn't want to see him, I wouldnt talk to him I just wanted him to stay away, cause anything about him just caused me to flash back to that night and panic all over again. But in march I found out I was pregnant, and I had to speak to him. He swore everything was going to be different. He was so over joyed. So I took him back. And it was good, at first. But then I don't know what happened, for a good month he was so verbally and emotionally abusive, telling me that smoking cigarettes was going to make the baby ******** and that he wouldnt let me forget it, and that he was going to take the baby away from me, and yes I did quit smoking, he just want giving me any time. But finally a Co worker of mine jumped his case and he backed off again. And wet were fine, we got engaged in August, and then down hill it went. He was going out partying every chance he got, and I was at home, alone and miserable (I stayed very sick) all the while stressing out about how to buy everything the baby would need, how I was gong to survive while on maternity leave, cause he never had money, always called off work, while I was working 40hrs a week 8 months pregnant. It was getting unbearable. And the closer I got to my due date the worse he got. But he always had an excuse "i'm getting it out of my system before the baby comes." If only that was the truth.
When the baby came, it was a very long and tramatic experiance. I was in labor 3days and almost lost my life, and he slept a majority of the time, even falling asleep during the pushing stage. I couldnt figure out then what was going on. But now I know he was going thru With drawl from not being able to smoke the pot he had previously.swore he was done with.
Well after our daughter was born, that first two Weeks was great. He was here as much as possible (we do not live together) but that too soon stopped. Oh and I also ended up with post partum and swore I was going insane.
Well 2 days before Christmas eve we had a huge blow up argument and broke up. But on Christmas eve he decided he didn't want to lose me. And we got Back together. 2 Weeks later when our daughter was only two months old I discovered he had been chatting with his seventeen year old neighbor on twitter, very sexually. I was devastated, he had sworn he never touched her, that it was all just fun and perversion. But do I believe it, not really. Everythings been a lie this far. I also found a bottle of percs in his room the same day. but I couldn't give up on him and we stayed together , but I have him the engagement ring back.
It was shortly after this that he was forced into rehab, and all pot smoking and drug use had to stop or he went to jail, (due to his car accident and dui). But he found a easy way around that by smoking K2. BUT THANKFULLY HE DID make himself quit that, due to the fact that he woke up feeling like he was going to die and it scared him really good. And now you can't even buy it where we live.
I really felt rehab was a good thing, he was doing really well and had been sober for 7 months.
But as a result of rehab I have learned everything from day one was a lie.
I found out that he had been a serious coke addict up till the day we started dating, that he would rob houses to pay for the addiction, that in the whole month that he was actually smoking the k2 he had smoked it over 200 times. That he had also tried bath salts. Just so much came out that I never knew or was blatantly lied to about.
And now all he does is find ways or places to drink, but swears its not a problem, its just something to do with his friends.
Our daughter is 9 months old and I've gone out with friends 4 times, he's gone out at least a dozen times already this month. in 9 months he's spent time with our daughter collectively 2 months, more than half of which I have forced him to. He's maybe spent 100$ on her ever, but buys his video games, alcohol, and whatever else he decides he wants.
But rehab just ended, and he's saying he's really going to give his all into staying sober, and do everything for us he can. And for the past month he'd stuck with that mostly, but still does his partying. But I find myself constantly worried he's going to relapse, going to leave us for drugs, I have no trust in him, i'm always finding reasons to be mad because of the past. I feel like if i'm not with him 24/7 he's going to mess up. I'm driving myself crazy, wearing myself out trying to take care of a baby, and figure out how to cope with all of this, and support him in this. I have no one on my side, but I just can't give up on him. he's been through things her won't let me share with them, every type of abuse, his father and step mother was heroin addicts and both lost thier lives to it, his mother remarried an abusive alcoholic. He was bullied in school, mistreated horribly by his ex girl friend who was a crack addict. I just want him to know i'm here and i'm not going to hurt him. That he has to trust me and share with me how he's feeling, cause keeping it all in, isn't helping either of us. That if he was honest I would find a way to help him, and I just don't know where to go from here?? I'm scared and alone.
My father is an alcoholic and had been my while life, many people in my family are addicts, many people we work with are coke addicts or pot heads, I know how addiction works, I have never done a drug, so I dont understand what that's like, but I suffered from bulimia for 8 years when he asked me to stop I did, and I still struggle with it, but I talk to him, and the love I have footer my daughter keeps me from it, I also suffered from cutting up until 3 months before I met him, and deal with that struggle, but have not done it in 4 years. So I can relate, but he says its different and i'm just flat out crazy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Welcome to SR,secretlyscared.
You came to the right place for straight honest
(but kind) advice.I just shook the SR cowbell
and the gang will be along in a minute!More
good scoop than you can shake a stick at!
Vale
You came to the right place for straight honest
(but kind) advice.I just shook the SR cowbell
and the gang will be along in a minute!More
good scoop than you can shake a stick at!
Vale
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It is impossible to save your fiance, but it is every bit of possible to protect your daughter and make a decision that at some point "enough is enough" and that your needs and your daughter's needs will be your priority.
Take baby steps but begin to realize and accept that having an addict in your life is not good for you or your daughter in any way. It is no way to live. You deserve to be happy and protected. If no one will protect you, you will do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 7
No no offense taken or anything, I just want I guess healthy advice? Without being told how incredibly stood I am, and it never hurts to hear an unbiased opinion. Thank you. I just wish there was a way for him to stay true to his word and be a father, if nothing else. I didn't have mine, more did he, and it affected me deeply growing up, and I don't want that for her, I however did have one amazing Mom, but he however didn't. I know what I need to do, its just doing it that scares me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Welcome to SR, we don't think anyone here is stupid we all have similar stories and most uf us have felt the same way about many things, you said your father was an alcoholic that means you know what type of things children go through is that what you want for your daughter? addiction is progressive he breaks in houses, lies, manipulates do you find this acceptable?
i'm always finding reasons to be mad because of the past
Hon, it isn't past it is now and future.
i'm always finding reasons to be mad because of the past
Hon, it isn't past it is now and future.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
This was written by an addict here on SR he freely shared...
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Read the stickies at the top of the page,keep posting we will walk with you.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Read the stickies at the top of the page,keep posting we will walk with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by secretlyscared 
Our daughter is 9 months old
I just don't know where to go from here?? I'm scared and alone.
I just don't know where to go from here?? I'm scared and alone.
As a mother it is your god given duty to put your baby and YOU FIRST!!! This means you need to ensure your baby's (and yours) SAFETY.
Keeping this man in your life - guarantees you can never be sure of your safety. You need to raise your baby in an environment of safety and peace. If you keep this man around, you will always be alone and scared. The biggest step right now is to get him out of your life - and found shelter and a safe place for you and your baby - family?
Find someone you trust to speak to - a family member, church???
You need to have a plan - you need to act fast - but calmly.
God is on your side - pray for you and your baby. Trust in the Greater Power. BE BRAVE - as you are!!!! You can do this!!!!!!Just remember, your baby, whom you love with your heart and soul - did not ask for this - your baby is comletely dependent on you for everything. Your baby needs to grow in a loving and nuturing environment. Your baby needs every chance in the world to have a happy life - and a carefree childhood. Do everything in you power to do this for your child.
Everyone here on SR will support you!!!
Love and Prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
dear secretly scared,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this position in your life, the doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, resentment, sorrow...it all adds up to just so much heartache and it is robbing you of the joy of the new child in your life.
I pray that you are over your post partum, and that you are getting rest and nutrition...anxiety will cause not only mental but physical fatigue. I think we have ALL suffered from this at some point and we are all following along our own path, trying to offer each other insight and support along the way. In recovery we call it "trudging the road of happy destiny"...the steps we take are not always easy, but we try our best, each of us to point our feet in the right direction.
one of the biggest things that will help you as you move forward is to work on believing the truth that you cannot change him, you are not in any way shape or form any part of the cause of his addiction, and you cannot cure it. though his past is riddled with difficulties that most certainly contributed to his formation/lifestyle that is his past. at a certain point we all, each and every one of us, need to stand up and take responsibility for our lives. if we do not then we can use every sorrowful, imperfect part of our past, as an excuse to not be our best person.
it sounds like this man is not in ANY way taking responsibility for his OWN life...let alone having you or your child on his radar. he is NOT capable. active addiction leaves no room for LIFE...active addiction, which he most CERTAINLY is in, is a path of destruction. it is in NO way life affirming.
all of his lies, as maddening and cruel and horrible as they are, are just part of his addiction. at this point his lying is pathological. it is really hard to grasp that it doesn't have to "do with you" the lies protect his addiction, and in fact, he probably believes his lies himself!!! seriously. he is caught in a swirl of addiction and deception...and because you are with him you are too.
so many who come here are afraid or defiant about being "codependent" but really it just means co...dependent, as in "IN co-mmunity with a dependent person" you are in relationship with him and your lives have become somewhat enmeshed. it sounds as though your own inner spirit wants to back away, and respecting your own trauma about having witnessed his horrible behavior is probably a really good thing! listen, very deeply, to your intuition.
we are taught so many whimsical romantic hopeful fantasies in our culture about how a relationship "should" be...in the best case scenario you get parts of that hopeful fantasy, and sometimes those parts are solid foundation for a life with someone else...but when that someone else is an addict the fantasy becomes total insanity.
if you ever have a hard time believing that you deserve better...at least believe this: you don't deserve this
this is a link to some insight that I find very helpful...
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
peace to you, and I hope you become openly hopeful about life rather than secretly scared of addiction
I am sorry that you find yourself in this position in your life, the doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, resentment, sorrow...it all adds up to just so much heartache and it is robbing you of the joy of the new child in your life.
I pray that you are over your post partum, and that you are getting rest and nutrition...anxiety will cause not only mental but physical fatigue. I think we have ALL suffered from this at some point and we are all following along our own path, trying to offer each other insight and support along the way. In recovery we call it "trudging the road of happy destiny"...the steps we take are not always easy, but we try our best, each of us to point our feet in the right direction.
one of the biggest things that will help you as you move forward is to work on believing the truth that you cannot change him, you are not in any way shape or form any part of the cause of his addiction, and you cannot cure it. though his past is riddled with difficulties that most certainly contributed to his formation/lifestyle that is his past. at a certain point we all, each and every one of us, need to stand up and take responsibility for our lives. if we do not then we can use every sorrowful, imperfect part of our past, as an excuse to not be our best person.
it sounds like this man is not in ANY way taking responsibility for his OWN life...let alone having you or your child on his radar. he is NOT capable. active addiction leaves no room for LIFE...active addiction, which he most CERTAINLY is in, is a path of destruction. it is in NO way life affirming.
all of his lies, as maddening and cruel and horrible as they are, are just part of his addiction. at this point his lying is pathological. it is really hard to grasp that it doesn't have to "do with you" the lies protect his addiction, and in fact, he probably believes his lies himself!!! seriously. he is caught in a swirl of addiction and deception...and because you are with him you are too.
so many who come here are afraid or defiant about being "codependent" but really it just means co...dependent, as in "IN co-mmunity with a dependent person" you are in relationship with him and your lives have become somewhat enmeshed. it sounds as though your own inner spirit wants to back away, and respecting your own trauma about having witnessed his horrible behavior is probably a really good thing! listen, very deeply, to your intuition.
we are taught so many whimsical romantic hopeful fantasies in our culture about how a relationship "should" be...in the best case scenario you get parts of that hopeful fantasy, and sometimes those parts are solid foundation for a life with someone else...but when that someone else is an addict the fantasy becomes total insanity.
if you ever have a hard time believing that you deserve better...at least believe this: you don't deserve this
this is a link to some insight that I find very helpful...
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
peace to you, and I hope you become openly hopeful about life rather than secretly scared of addiction
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by secretlyscared
No no offense taken or anything, I just want I guess healthy advice? Without being told how incredibly stood I am, and it never hurts to hear an unbiased opinion. Thank you. I just wish there was a way for him to stay true to his word and be a father, if nothing else. I didn't have mine, more did he, and it affected me deeply growing up, and I don't want that for her, I however did have one amazing Mom, but he however didn't. I know what I need to do, its just doing it that scares me.
As for yourself, it sounds like you have a lot of emotional baggage yourself, and should start focusing on yourself and getting healthy. This will be the best gift you can give yourself and your daughter. One healthy, emotionally strong and stable parent is much better for a child then having two parents, one of which is abusing drugs and abusive. The latter will only serve to continue the cycle that you grew up with. Only ou can break the cycle.
We have a saying here, when someone shows you who thy are, believe it. Look at actions not words. Addicts are great at stringing words together into manipulative sentences to try to snow us into giving them what they want. You need to look at his actions... Addiction, driving intoxicated, criminal activity, abuse, neglect, does not show much interest in child, bad with money and see that THIS is who he is. Now believe it and decide if that person is who you want influencing your child. Because children of addicts learn one of two things- either 1) how to be an addict or 2) how to attract and support one (codependent); some do both. for my kids I want neither, I want healthy and that started with me and me alone because I am the only person I have control over. Same with you, you can only change you- you can't control, change or cure him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by crazybabie
This was written by an addict here on SR he freely shared...
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Read the stickies at the top of the page,keep posting we will walk with you.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Read the stickies at the top of the page,keep posting we will walk with you.
This says it all. Read this over and over.. Get help for yourself. You must learn why you would choose such a person.. Your baby deserves a mother who is not involved with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
Hi Secretly Scared
I'm kinda in the same position as you, I'm going to post my long 4 year story shortly. I have twins who will be one at the end of the month and a one week old newborn to an addict who is what I call Premier League, he's currently addicted to crack, despite just coming off a heroin addiction with the use of Subutex.
Every two days I am lied to and manipulated into paying off his dealer as he gets everything laid on so we HAVE to pay. It's cost us thousands of pounds over the last two years.
My advice to you..............I wish I had the magic answer, do ALOT of reading and understand why he is the way he is, understand the addict and understand that the person you are talking to is not the man you love, it is the internal monster that the drugs bring out. I always refer to "the addict" when I talk to my partner, I know when my partner is actually "there" and when it's the addict talking to me.
I am waiting for my partner to go into rehab, this will be his second time, and all my hopes are pinned on it working, but I have to face the reality that it might work for a while and then start again, as my partner says to me daily, "there are no guarantees, just take it a day at a time".
I know how totally exhausting it is to live with this over you day after day, and to be honest if my partner wasn't going back to rehab I would now be packing his bags and throwing him out, because he sees my kindness as a sign of weakness now which he can manipulate to his advantage. You can not put yourself through all this clinging to the hope that one day you will get your loving man back, he has to WANT to do this for himself, not you, not your daughter and it is hard work hence most won't try.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I felt your pain reading your post and can just picture myself and my kids. You have to do what's right for you hun, no matter if it breaks your heart, I'm beginning to see this now.
I wish you all the happiness in life and I hope it resolves itself and he realises just what he could lose. Take care of yourself x
I'm kinda in the same position as you, I'm going to post my long 4 year story shortly. I have twins who will be one at the end of the month and a one week old newborn to an addict who is what I call Premier League, he's currently addicted to crack, despite just coming off a heroin addiction with the use of Subutex.
Every two days I am lied to and manipulated into paying off his dealer as he gets everything laid on so we HAVE to pay. It's cost us thousands of pounds over the last two years.
My advice to you..............I wish I had the magic answer, do ALOT of reading and understand why he is the way he is, understand the addict and understand that the person you are talking to is not the man you love, it is the internal monster that the drugs bring out. I always refer to "the addict" when I talk to my partner, I know when my partner is actually "there" and when it's the addict talking to me.
I am waiting for my partner to go into rehab, this will be his second time, and all my hopes are pinned on it working, but I have to face the reality that it might work for a while and then start again, as my partner says to me daily, "there are no guarantees, just take it a day at a time".
I know how totally exhausting it is to live with this over you day after day, and to be honest if my partner wasn't going back to rehab I would now be packing his bags and throwing him out, because he sees my kindness as a sign of weakness now which he can manipulate to his advantage. You can not put yourself through all this clinging to the hope that one day you will get your loving man back, he has to WANT to do this for himself, not you, not your daughter and it is hard work hence most won't try.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I felt your pain reading your post and can just picture myself and my kids. You have to do what's right for you hun, no matter if it breaks your heart, I'm beginning to see this now.
I wish you all the happiness in life and I hope it resolves itself and he realises just what he could lose. Take care of yourself x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents.
A father would move heaven and earth to provide for his children. A bio dad tends to his own needs and childish whims. Flirting with a 17 year old is really bad news. Please understand that you likely don't know half of what he's done.
He's not the hopeful fantasy of the man you need and want him to be. You can't change him.
A father would move heaven and earth to provide for his children. A bio dad tends to his own needs and childish whims. Flirting with a 17 year old is really bad news. Please understand that you likely don't know half of what he's done.
He's not the hopeful fantasy of the man you need and want him to be. You can't change him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
My takeaway from SR is that the addiction story has a predetermined outcome
in a devastatingly high proportion of outcomes.Holding out for the 'miracle' is a
part of the human condition.In my wildest dreams I did not believe I would do the
things I did for the addict I interacted with.....but I did.
Part of our "holding on to our innocence" is our clinging to this moral outrage
and sense of being "wronged".
It's bogus.
I have admitted on this resource that I knew from the get-go that EVERYTHING
my addict told me was a lie.I would certainly never admit that in real life.People
would laugh at me.But it's true.The BS I concocted for others was to make the situation
'seem' normal,or at least SEMI normal.Thousands of dollars became 'a few'.
My ego loved being 'heroic'.My ego loved being 'the one who never gave up'
It was a sick pattern,but one that was difficult to break.
Only coming here,to SR.......sticking my toe in the water (lurking)....and then
finally posing my questions---was my answer.
We know in our hearts what is the right thing to do.But that is never the problem,
is it? It is forming the courage in your soul to DO what you know is right.
The only question that need be asked......what do you want your daughter to SEE
when she looks at you,tomorrow and in the distant future.
I have never had any problem sniffing out liars.That's why she never snowed me
from day 1. I participated willingly---and the most problematic liar in the entire episode
was the one I saw in the mirror.
The one that rationalized that all of this was OK.
in a devastatingly high proportion of outcomes.Holding out for the 'miracle' is a
part of the human condition.In my wildest dreams I did not believe I would do the
things I did for the addict I interacted with.....but I did.
Part of our "holding on to our innocence" is our clinging to this moral outrage
and sense of being "wronged".
It's bogus.
I have admitted on this resource that I knew from the get-go that EVERYTHING
my addict told me was a lie.I would certainly never admit that in real life.People
would laugh at me.But it's true.The BS I concocted for others was to make the situation
'seem' normal,or at least SEMI normal.Thousands of dollars became 'a few'.
My ego loved being 'heroic'.My ego loved being 'the one who never gave up'
It was a sick pattern,but one that was difficult to break.
Only coming here,to SR.......sticking my toe in the water (lurking)....and then
finally posing my questions---was my answer.
We know in our hearts what is the right thing to do.But that is never the problem,
is it? It is forming the courage in your soul to DO what you know is right.
The only question that need be asked......what do you want your daughter to SEE
when she looks at you,tomorrow and in the distant future.
I have never had any problem sniffing out liars.That's why she never snowed me
from day 1. I participated willingly---and the most problematic liar in the entire episode
was the one I saw in the mirror.
The one that rationalized that all of this was OK.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Hi Secretly Scared. I am the mother of a 22 year old AS and a 25 year old non addicted daughter. My son is currently living at home til Sep 1 and working a program since March that I know of. He has admitted to using opiates, pot and snorting Adderol, so I'm guessing there is a lot more.
Last year when he started dating the girl he's moving in with in sept I told her she's probably being lied to daily and he's an addict. My advice to you is to run, not walk away from this relationship, that is what I would tell my own daughter. She cant save him. She still thinks she can.
I am attending al anon meetings for parents once per week and planning on not paying for anything when he is out. He currently works 2 jobs and pays for his own haircuts, cell phone, gas, and most personal items. Are you doing anything for you? Do you have a trusted friend or family member to take the baby so you can attend a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting?
Be gentle with yourself but be firm with protecting your daughter and getting educated about this disease.
Keep reading and posting. You and your precious daughter are in my prayers.
Last year when he started dating the girl he's moving in with in sept I told her she's probably being lied to daily and he's an addict. My advice to you is to run, not walk away from this relationship, that is what I would tell my own daughter. She cant save him. She still thinks she can.
I am attending al anon meetings for parents once per week and planning on not paying for anything when he is out. He currently works 2 jobs and pays for his own haircuts, cell phone, gas, and most personal items. Are you doing anything for you? Do you have a trusted friend or family member to take the baby so you can attend a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting?
Be gentle with yourself but be firm with protecting your daughter and getting educated about this disease.
Keep reading and posting. You and your precious daughter are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Listen to the women here. They know what they're talking about. I thought my addict could change. I thought he could be different. He is a Coke addict too. He's robbed banks and construction sites and his own family to support his habit. He got arrested in April.
He lost everything. When he got out on bail he told me how much he loved me, reminded me off all the good times we had together and begged me to take him back. Promising he would change. Telling me he didn't realize what he'd had until he lost it. That he would go to meetings and control this addiction. That he wasn't using but he was just drinking and it needed to stop. That just the thought of me not being in his life made him not want to live it and he swore he would change.
And I read these posts on here all these women telling me LEAVE GET OUT NOW, he's an addict he can't give you what you need, he can't change and they were 100 percent right. I stayed with him and things were good for a while. He was put on probation and even being drug tested by his PO, he was showing me his clean drug tests, assuring me that the money that seemed to be missing was nothing. That his Laptop was stolen, not sold. That his phone was lost, not sold. That all the lack of money had had with nothing to show for it was just spent on stupid things like food or the train.... I believed him. It was all right in front of my face and I STILL believed the worlds coming out of his mouth.
Addicts are master manipulators. They know exactly what to say to keep you holding on. And I did. And eventually they get sick of the lies and they pretend like they're telling you for you but they really aren't. Everything addicts do while they're in active addiction has another purpose. He told me because he felt me slipping away, knew I knew he was lying and was only a matter of time until he found out. He told me for himself. And he promised he'd go to rehab and get better. Told me it's what he needed to do for himself and for us. That his biggest regret was breaking my heart by getting arrested in April and he would get back to the man he knew he could be and the one I fell in love with.
Two days after rehab (this past Wednesday) he walked out onto the street at 11:00 at night. He's now in jail. I don't know why. All I know is the chance of him getting out any time soon is slim to none. That all the "I'm going to get better I need to keep you in my life" was BS. He isn't capable of doing this for another person or even a child.
The power of his/addicts addiction is more powerful than we can imagine. And I know you want to believe he's different but just look at how he's been treating you. When was the last time he really made you feel good ? When was the last time he was there for you? I mean he's been lying to you for years about his pas and his Coke use. Do you really know this man at all? Or did you fall in love with and idea of him, the way he tries to present himself?
If you don't leave him things will only get worse. He can't and won't change until he loses everything and hits rock bottom. I had to find that out the hard way more then once. Don't keep putting yourself through this.
Think about yourself and your daughter and how much better off you'll be without this poisonous relationship in your life. I know you want to believe you can get the man he used to be back but that man is gone. Drugs robbed you of his love for you. You need to get out. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
He lost everything. When he got out on bail he told me how much he loved me, reminded me off all the good times we had together and begged me to take him back. Promising he would change. Telling me he didn't realize what he'd had until he lost it. That he would go to meetings and control this addiction. That he wasn't using but he was just drinking and it needed to stop. That just the thought of me not being in his life made him not want to live it and he swore he would change.
And I read these posts on here all these women telling me LEAVE GET OUT NOW, he's an addict he can't give you what you need, he can't change and they were 100 percent right. I stayed with him and things were good for a while. He was put on probation and even being drug tested by his PO, he was showing me his clean drug tests, assuring me that the money that seemed to be missing was nothing. That his Laptop was stolen, not sold. That his phone was lost, not sold. That all the lack of money had had with nothing to show for it was just spent on stupid things like food or the train.... I believed him. It was all right in front of my face and I STILL believed the worlds coming out of his mouth.
Addicts are master manipulators. They know exactly what to say to keep you holding on. And I did. And eventually they get sick of the lies and they pretend like they're telling you for you but they really aren't. Everything addicts do while they're in active addiction has another purpose. He told me because he felt me slipping away, knew I knew he was lying and was only a matter of time until he found out. He told me for himself. And he promised he'd go to rehab and get better. Told me it's what he needed to do for himself and for us. That his biggest regret was breaking my heart by getting arrested in April and he would get back to the man he knew he could be and the one I fell in love with.
Two days after rehab (this past Wednesday) he walked out onto the street at 11:00 at night. He's now in jail. I don't know why. All I know is the chance of him getting out any time soon is slim to none. That all the "I'm going to get better I need to keep you in my life" was BS. He isn't capable of doing this for another person or even a child.
The power of his/addicts addiction is more powerful than we can imagine. And I know you want to believe he's different but just look at how he's been treating you. When was the last time he really made you feel good ? When was the last time he was there for you? I mean he's been lying to you for years about his pas and his Coke use. Do you really know this man at all? Or did you fall in love with and idea of him, the way he tries to present himself?
If you don't leave him things will only get worse. He can't and won't change until he loses everything and hits rock bottom. I had to find that out the hard way more then once. Don't keep putting yourself through this.
Think about yourself and your daughter and how much better off you'll be without this poisonous relationship in your life. I know you want to believe you can get the man he used to be back but that man is gone. Drugs robbed you of his love for you. You need to get out. You and your daughter deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
Fenway Faithful is absolutely right.
You are a child of an addict, you are a survivor. Do not raise your daughter in the same situation you grew up in. Let me tell you something, it's hard to walk away from something you know. You grew up trying to fix things, now you are going to try and fix the father of your child. But do you want your daughter in 20 years have the same type of hardships you are going through?
I was scared to death growing up with an alcoholic father the physical and verbal abuse almost on a daily basis. I was stressed to the hilt. I went through counseling in my late twenties and they were surprised I survived this abuse. I hated my father for years for the way he treated me. Do you want this for your daughter, abuse happens in all forms she will see how he treats you, how he lies and manipulates to get what he wants. This will be the man she will marry if the cycle is not broken. You know this like I do because these are the men we go for. Do you want your daughter to come home with a man you know as reckless, selfish, abusive, irresponsible, lazy, liar, and is chasing a 17 year old child? Think about it, think on how her life will be.
You are a child of an addict, you are a survivor. Do not raise your daughter in the same situation you grew up in. Let me tell you something, it's hard to walk away from something you know. You grew up trying to fix things, now you are going to try and fix the father of your child. But do you want your daughter in 20 years have the same type of hardships you are going through?
I was scared to death growing up with an alcoholic father the physical and verbal abuse almost on a daily basis. I was stressed to the hilt. I went through counseling in my late twenties and they were surprised I survived this abuse. I hated my father for years for the way he treated me. Do you want this for your daughter, abuse happens in all forms she will see how he treats you, how he lies and manipulates to get what he wants. This will be the man she will marry if the cycle is not broken. You know this like I do because these are the men we go for. Do you want your daughter to come home with a man you know as reckless, selfish, abusive, irresponsible, lazy, liar, and is chasing a 17 year old child? Think about it, think on how her life will be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Master manipulators , addicted or otherwise, need people willing to allow themselves to be fooled.
BRAVO!I am inspired. You managed to say in a sentence what it took me PARAGRAPHS of blabber to get out.
They don't DO IT.
We ALLOW it!!!!!
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