earnestly

Hi everyone,

I've been in an on and off again relationship with my BF for almost 16 years. He quit a 30+ year drinking addiction over four years ago and we've been together ever since. For the last month or two, he's been smelling a little weird to me and I was compelled to ask him if it were alcohol. He denied it and I believed him.

Then last Sunday, I went to lie down for a nap and instead got back up to ask him something. He wasn't in the family room watching TV like he had been. I found him in the garage with a beer.

My heart broke. He swore that it was only one of two that he had bought that morning and that he had already drank the first one and showed me the empty in his truck. He said it was a stupid mistake and that he wouldn't do it again, especially since he saw how badly it made me feel.

The thing is. I don't believe him. Now I think I was smelling alcohol on his breath those other times. I feel sad, but I just don't want to go there again. The lying, fear, disappointments, embarressments. and even if he's telling the truth, I'm afraid I'm already in "beer police mode" now and I don't want that job.

I know he has a lot of stress on him presently. Work has been very slow and his money is scarce. I don't want to add to his problems, but feel that deciding to drink even two beers was adding to my problems.

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic mother and she has been driving me nuts for years. He knows this. I also just got done with a really bad year of cancer surgery and 12 rounds of chemo and now two other diseases to deal with. Stress is my enemy and addiction is too.

I'm on a spiritual path and just desire peace and love and a wholesome life. I guess I don't really have a question but was hoping for some input from others who may have experience like mine. I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

Thanks

earnestly

Seriously? 70 veiws and not one person comments or even welcomes me? Is there no one that would rather end the relationship with an addict than go through the stress even if love is involved? Can no one relate? Hmmm? Interesting.

Katiekate

Hi and welcome.

Your life sounds very stressful. Dealing with alcoholism as well as all the health issues you have on your own must be very daunting.

A relapse is probably the last thing you need right now.

Have you been to al anon????

You really do have to put you first.

Your husbands addiction is his to deal with, if you have been smelling what you think is alcohol on his breath, my guess is that you are spot on. He will lie to protect his addiction, I think you probably already know that.

Please put you first, we are here, take good care, Katie

earnestly

Thank you.

ShootingStar1

Dear Earnestly,

You have been through SO much in the last year with such major health problems, and my heart goes out to you for not having a partner who is there to support you, and is instead adding to your stress and worry.

It sounds like over your 16 years together off and on, you and he must have dealt with these kinds of issues before.

It is fair, it is necessary for you to do what YOU need to do to get and stay healthy, and this forum will be there to support you, whatever you choose.

I hope you will continue to post as you sort out your feelings and what actions you want to take next.

You are in my prayers,

BothSidesNow

SettingSunset

Earnestly - I am fairly new to this Site. I believe when we are 'suspecting' our suspicions are probably true. I have been to several Alanon and several open AA meetings. I can't pass judgment because I am 'coming around' now. My son is an alcoholic at 40 years old. We live in the adjoining State. He was arrested on DUI 3 and in rehab. He is scheduled for 're-entry' to jail on Sunday (trial on Monday) which his dad/my husband is going to pick him up (from rehab) and drive AS back to jail. Interestingly enough...at this point of 3 months in jail and 6 weeks in rehab (upper middle class group we are, i.e. intelligent) our son is manipulating his dad. I am trying to 'recover' myself from this situation and work on it daily. My husband says he is learning, but I am not sure. I suggested he call the Bondsman to pick our son up and take him back to jail. Husband wants to do it. I don't know why. Anyhow, take care of yourself. Move forward. Figure it out how you will do that. Me, with a married son with two children... I was pulled in because I love my son with my heart and soul. I am losing my life from this. My husband and I are fighting after 41+ years of marriage. Anyhow... take care of YOU!

BTW - A DRINK IS A DRUNK my AA friend told me, so the one beer is a drunk...two is a drunk... they can't stop. It is a craving. It is an allergy one AA person told me. Hmmm... Now that I type that I think... how many allergies affected everyone in the family and all the close friends?

ZiggyB

hmm. I don't know what to say, I was in a 3 year relationship with someone who hid their drinking from me and we just broke up. I can totally understand you not wanting to be the beer police because I felt like I was the alcohol and cigarette police and the worrying wears you down and makes you paranoid after a while. The lying and the constantly feeling disappointed are not too much fun either. My heart was broken with the deception and the verbal abuse that he later dished out. I was really in love with this guy and wanted us to have a future together.

My guy started drinking a lot more after he lost his job, and I understand that was a stressful time for him but people have to be able to deal with their stresses in a way other than drinking. Does he have a plan for staying sober or otherwise seeking help?

((hugs))

minitaco

I agree with setting sunset, I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. If you suspect it is more, it probably is. They have a disease and can't stop at just one or two. That's part of what defines them as alcoholics. You have been through quite a lot this past year. You can only help you. My suggestion is to focus on yourself and do what you need to be happy.

emeraldeye

For me the worst part other than the 'smell of it' is the sick feeling I get knowing that once again he is lying to me. sometimes for my own sake I choose not to deal with it in that moment but i have realized that it just builds up for the next time and of course I'm left feeling like the crazy person, all upset and broken.

But today i have decided that my energy is my own . I will share it with my daughter and it will be positive. And tomorrow i will try to find this strength again .

take care and the best of luck to you - Earnestly

SundayGirl2012

Hi earnestly
I'm one of the 70 people who read your initial entry but didn't post. I'm sorry that you felt unsupported by that. I hadn't realised that people who post could see how many others had viewed that post.

I'm very new here too and I don't post much as I'm concerned about saying the 'wrong thing'. Some of the other people here seem much more experienced and wise - you should probably listen to them and not to me!

For what it's worth, here's my view: I lurked around this forum for a couple of weeks but I only posted my own story when I had decided I was ready to change. I think that might be true for others too: the act of posting a message and asking for advice signals that the person is ready to change things. In my case, the change is to ask my ABF to move out. The change you decide to make might be different though.

I hope that's helpful - and I'm sorry I didn't post after reading your message the first time. I hope you've had a lovely day with your daughter.
Take care
SG

Seren

Hello earnestly, Welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's relapse. I do know exactly how disappointing that is.

This stress can't be good for your health, you are right. Please believe that it is OK for your health to be a priority. As I'm sure you know, he has to fight this battle on his own. I hope that you have other local, face-to-face support as you learn to deal with these illnesses.

And as for no one paying attention to you, your first post was on a Friday afternoon around 4 p.m. The weekends around here are typically much more quiet than during the week. I can assure you, many of us can relate.

Please make yourself at home here. Take the time to read through the threads, especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum. These contain lots of valuable advice and information.

We are glad you found us, but very sorry for the reason why! HG

earnestly

Thank you all for your warmth and understanding. I'm taking it one day and a time and am not getting sucked into the little tricks that get used. I've read Co-dependent No More (years ago) and a ton of other books, so I'm not too easliy sucked in. I'm not going to be the Beer Police. I'll just go about my life and business of healing and when he falls through the door one night, I'll say "oh, bye". I don't have much tolerance for addicts. I can love from a distance, while moving on and get over it. It's not that I don't care or won't be sad about this. It is sad. But I've learned that life is way too short to deal with this "stuff". Am I rambling?

Thanks again. It's good to hear from people who know the hell of a relationship with an addict. It's all about them isn't it? Well, at least that's what they think. I'm so glad I don't feel the need to get him to understand ANYTHING. I've been stuck in that muck before. Not going there again.

Oh to be single again and only make one sandwich and watch whatever I want on TV and read in bed until wee hours of the night if I care to. I think I'll paint and sew and spend time with friends. Time to sell my house and get a low maintenance apartment and if my house won't sell, I'll just leave it. Material "things" aren't trappings for me. Thank the Good Lord for my prior education in addiction. I know for sure that I'll be just fine and by cutting my losses, I'll be just fine sooner. I'm happy.

djayr

It's tempting and easy to say "run", but I have a hard time doing it myself. The longer you're invested, the more sucked in you are.

earnestly

I don't think it's easy to leave a relationship at all, but for me it's harder to stay and live with the stress, etc. in an unhealthy relationship. Actually, not running either...just going to stroll into the next chapter of m life. I do understand investments however and certainly don't think what's right for me is right for anyone else. We all have the right to choose for ourselves whether or not to drink, do drugs, eat or stay in an unhealthy relationship. I choose living clean and healthy.

What makes it easier for me is we don't have children together, he doesn't support me and I'm not too attached to material things. Also, I was previous married to a sex addict and like I said before my mother is an alcoholic and btw so is my sister and my brother had drug and alcohol problems/addictions before his early death three years ago. My other sister is a hot mess as well. I know i don't sound very caring and supportive, but I'm drained from all the years of being the stable responsible one who flew in to save the day.

I've had years of therapy, could open a used self-help bookstore, have moved people, lent money, ran to the hospital (numerous times), helped pay for re-hab, restored utilities, cried my eyes out, spent approximately 3 or 4 years of my life "talking", and it never helped anyone with anything substantial. What it did accomplish was giving me an ulcer, cancer and two autoimmume diseases. Enough!

I brought up two well adjusted daughters who are wonderful people and law abiding citizens who care about others, but have good boundries. they also recycle and don't litter! lol I plan on spending my time with them and enjoying the rest of my life to the best of my ability. Of course I can still help people, but I do it in a way that matters. I volunteered at hospice before my cancer year and plan on doing that or something similar again one day. Service to others is a gift to ones self. But riding an addicts crazy train is, in my opinion, for me, crazy. Been there -- done that.

Looking4ward

I'm sending my support. Think about it this way, you don't need to be the beer police again. You can begin the process of detachment as you know it so well. I for one couldn't go back to my ex, just the thought that there was the potential of a relapse gave me a near panic attack.

You are so much stronger than me that you stayed with him not only through the drinking, but the recovery as well. Incredible.

Freedom1990

I often think people really don't grasp just how much stress affects our physical health. I watched a fascinating documentary on Netflix last year called "Stress-The Silent Killer."

I am so sorry for your chronic health issues. I have my own and know it's a full-time job just managing those!

Please know that I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you continue to post.

Sending hugs of support on the Kansas winds.

LifeRecovery

I work in health care, and just took a Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction course (in conjunction with some of the cancer center staff, or which I am there on occasion). The woman we took if from shared that after treatment is all done, but before the healing is complete can be the most stressful time for people living with cancer. It is hard to stop the "policing" thoughts about the cancer, never mind adding beer police onto that.

I have been thinking about that for a long time and as a healthcare provider feel like experiencing the last few years (divorcing my exAH) and working on my own healing has helped me understand sometimes what we ask of our clients/patients/residents, but without always giving supportive tools to help get there.

I think what I am trying to say is that I had to learn math in the second grade, and again in the third (review plus something new). I am learning that my recovery is about that....I often can't heal without learning a new skill built on the old one.

I had to drag my Codepenedent No More book out again, reup my therapy etc, I was working a new layer of my healing.

The good thing is that I am capable of learning, healing and growing still (though I have stopped growing taller).

Welcome to a board that has helped me to grow, though sorry for what brought you here.