departure

Day 3 turned out to be more challenging than I thought it would. Work was fine. I felt happy as I went to a mtg and even happier and lighter after. I drove home, and BAM! When I got through the door, checked in with the sitter and kids it was like I was on auto-pilot. The habit of pouring a glass of wine before even considering dinner or anything else was so strong. I am thankful I dumped the open bottles before I left in the morning.

It turned out that I had just enough time to get dinner together before heading out for bunco night with the ladies. I felt safe going - the last time I went to bunco night as a sub it was a dry night. I even remember thinking that it was strange. I always thought of women's book clubs and bunco nights were an excuse for escaping the house (husband & kids), drinking, talking and gossiping. And here was a bunco party where there was no alcohol in sight.

So I got there and still no alcohol. Then my friend asked me, "White, red, or beer?"

"Actually, I'll just have water tonight." So I got my water and nobody seemed to care or notice or question it. Not until about an hour in when I saw a close friend and she asked, "Why am I drinking and you're not?" She rarely drinks, often offers to be the DD and rarely has more than 1 or 2 drinks when she does. You can almost count on her to not drink most of the time.

So I told her that my allergies have been bad, I've been waking up feeling awful and alcohol will only make it worse. All true without disclosing that if I did, I'd get drunk, and I will feel awful, not to mention I need to drive you and my kids home tonight. Also, why would I put myself in that position when there are a few people here that could make gossiping an olympic sport? I had my 24-hour chip in my pocket and I held onto it a few times as a reminder of what I wanted.

Down the road a little ways I will tell her. She is a good friend and she would be a great support to me. I trust her.

So here I am on day 4. Just got a message from a friend asking about getting together for drinks at a local spot tonight. I responded saying I didn't know, that I have a lot of homework to get done tonight. Building my out. I don't know how strong I will feel at the end of the day.

bbthumper

That is always a tough position to be in. In my experience, my life got so much easier when I explained what I was doing to my friends. A few dont come around anymore. I came to realize that are "friendship" was rooted in drinking. My real friends are completely supportive. The truth will set you free!

TorontoGuy28

Good for you !

SSIL75

You probably won't feel very strong at all but it doesn't matter. As an alcoholic on day 4 of recovery you're not going for drinks tonight.

So what are you going to do tonight? Make a specific plan. Even if it's 'watch TV and drive to starbucks at 9pm for a hot chocolate'. I loved to drive at night early in recovery. I didn't learn to drive until I was in my 30's and so I literally almost never drove at night. Never sober

eta: What I said to people early in recovery - "I think alcohol was depressing me" (unsaid: being a raging alcoholic is really ******* depressing).

tomsteve

welp, it is also true that yer allergy to alcohol will kick in. i know i'd break out in bumps and bruises, **sholes, occasional handcuffs, and blackouts to name a few.

it was difficult for me to tell people i dont want to drink any more. it had some to do with fear. but once i let it out, i saw it really wasnt that big of a deal, and as bbthumper mentioned, i saw where my friendships were really rooted.

hypochondriac

I'm glad you had a successful non drinking night out Departure

I would imagine that it will get tiring making up excuses every time someone asks you out though.

The telling people thing was something I found/find really difficult but I think it is something that has to be done in some form or other. I told a few people that I went out with regularly that work was really busy and I was lying low for a bit. I told my family that I was an alcoholic and didn't drink anymore and I told some friends that I knew would notice I wasn't drinking that I was not drinking to loose weight/ help me quit smoking. I didn't feel I could tell people about the alcoholism thing because I was having difficulty accepting that myself and I knew I could be easily persuaded otherwise. Plus I would probably cry. But I felt like I had to excuse myself from nights out for quite a while before I felt strong enough to be there.

blueshades

This includes virtually everyone at my workplace. I still struggle with this matter: my co-workers are gossips who rarely pass up a chance to spread information with malicious intent. There is maybe one person in the office that I would speak to frankly about this, the rest don't need to know the truth.

I find this issue more challenging to deal with than simply turning down a beer on one night out. How can we deal with our recovery with some level of dignity, without those who would hurt us prying into our affairs?

Dee74

Some people tell everyone...I was like that. I was a public drunk so most people knew anyway.

Others think it's a very private matter & say very little - both ways can work...

I'm not a fan of lying or excuses tho. I did enough of that when drinking.

The one thing I have learned is I don't owe anyone an explanation.

I might *feel* as if I do, especially in the early days...but I really don't.

'No thanks' is in this case, a complete sentence.

kittycat3

Amen Dee! Tell only as much as you want and if they keep asking keep repeating.... The broken record technique is great!

instant

I agree with Dee. Whatever works for you, and is what you need to do for now, is OK. All this stuff does get easier. The "autopilot" stuff goes away as you consolidate new patterns of behaviour.

Stick with it, and do what you have to do. It is so worth it.

Hevyn

Hi departure. Good job on coming here to talk about it. It relieved my anxiety so much, especially in the early days.

In my case, I just went ahead and told everyone. I had messed up my life so badly, even drinking at work, that everyone knew. Most were very relieved and supportive to hear I was stopping. Maybe if I had quit before I crashed and burned, I'd have been more likely to keep it quiet. It's not a one size fits all situation. You'll probably feel good confiding in your friends at some point - only when you're ready.

Congratulations on Day 4! The challenges and temptations get much easier to deal with as you go along. We're very proud of you, departure.

Anna

I definitely agree with Dee and believe strongly that you don't owe anyone an explanation. Personally, I think it's rude when someone comments about what I'm drinking or not drinking.

I also made the decision, after one night of lying and saying I was on antibiotics, that I would never do that again. Lying was going to prolong my addiction, not help my recovery. I don't tell people. It's no one else's business. My recovery is my own. I don't let alcoholism define me.

blueshades

I like that. And I agree!

SeekSobriety

What helped me was building up a new network of friends who did not drink, and who did other things besides just "going to the pub (bar/party"
If "Friends" wanted to hang out, I would suggest we go to a coffee shop or a public restaurant (which did not serve alcohol) I never have a problem telling people that I don't drink, for me I gave up drinking and smoking together, so I always tell them quitting drinking helped me quit and stay quit from smoking (which is true for me)
People ask if I can just have 1 drink with them, and I say no thanks, I don't drink. If people cannot accept me for who I am, they are not a real "friend"

It is not easy, I know it must be rough for you, but this is our lives at stake. It's better to be firm and clear and protect our sobriety, then to fall down and hope we get another chance at sobriety (which is certainly not guaranteed)

What helped me find a new network of sober friends was attending 12 step meetings or recovery meetings, there are many different groups and flavors out there. But all of them offer some sort of social support. The gender specific groups can and are a fantastic help at first.

Best of luck to you, Please keep posting and sharing.

Thanks for letting me share.

departure

Thank you all for your comments. I did not go to meet friends today. I let my kids have a friend over this afternoon. Haven't done that in awhile. Usually I would start with the wine by about lunchtime (Is it noon yet? No? It's close enough.).

Naturally, I can't have other kids over if I'm going to be spending the afternoon drinking. I might open another bottle later and before long I would be scrambling to get dinner. Sometimes it would be late. I'd joke that it's just a nod to our European heritage - dining late.

Anyway, I don't want to lie to my friends. I'm just not ready yet.

Fallow

Dee, you always know just how to put it.

I know Im gonna be dealing with some of these same friend issues soon or sooner or later. This weekend, my kid is sick so I wont be entertaining any ideas of going anywhere with drinking friends. Though people are wanting to make plans. I'll be chillin at home cleaning and reading here instead. Im not ready to have that conversation with friends (again) right now either.

SeekSobriety

Fantastic news, thanks so much for letting us know how it went.
Sorry if I may have sounded a bit insensitive to the issues regarding friends and drinking. I wanted to edit my post but I am unable to.

THanks again for your share.

departure

No worries! No offense taken. I am not posting here to be coddled, it's honesty from those who have done it or are doing it that I want. Maybe a swift kick in the backside too if I need it - maybe. Yea, probably mostly encouragement and guidance though.

What I am learning from all of you and in my thoughts, is that this journey is about honesty. First with myself concerning the nature of my problem, but with the others in my life who are important to me.

It's not easy. None of it is. It's like the saying that before you can run, you must first walk. Well, before that you have to learn to crawl. But I'm just an infant in this right now, so I feel like I am still lying on the floor wailing. I think in the telling - explaining it or not - is where I start to crawl.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't seem so weird; I feel as if I've been living in my head a lot these last few days.

goldiilocks

That's exactly how I feel too! Thanks for posting. If someone asks me, "Why aren't you drinking tonight?" I either answer with, "Why are you?" , OR I tell them it's because I dont feel like it. My friends always tell me i'm super blunt though, so that answer wouldnt catch them off guard at all.

Jeni26

No, none of this is easy. We just learn as we go along.
I, too, find the telling of friends difficult. I've got this reputation as the big drinking outrageous reckless member of the group, which is proving difficult to change. I've isolated myself from this group, but I still get invited out regularly. In truth, my sober personality is quiet and socially awkward, and without a drink I'm not sure I would enjoy those evenings out any more anyway.
I've told only one friend, and she doesn't really 'get it', even though she's seen me at my worst.
I'm 11 weeks sober, and am happy to focus on my recovery for the moment. It is the most important thing to me.
I think choosing safe places to be where there is no temptation is my choice for the time being x