Life of the party versus party pooper
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Life of the party versus party pooper
One thing I am really really struggling with is that I like myself a lot better when I'm drinking. It lets me loosen up and have a good time and takes me out of my anxious head.
When I wasn't drinking for 7+ months, it was very hard for me to be in social settings (especially where other people were drinking) and not drink. I felt like a weirdo. Whereas when I'm drinking, I feel like I fit in much better.
Another thing is that my boyfriend and I have a lot of fun when we drink together. I fear he likes me better when I'm drinking, and to be honest it is much more fun to drink when he's drinking than to not drink when he's drinking- it's like I'm on the same level, or a completely different level, than he is depending on whether I drink when he does or not. Plus it's no fun to go out and not drink when everyone else is, yet I don't want to stay home alone either.
As an example of what I'm trying to say. My boyfriend has a friend who lives out of state. Over the winter, we went up to visit this friend while skiing, and met him at a bar. At the time I wasn't drinking and I felt weird, I tried to take an interest in the friend (it was the first time I had met him), and be friendly but he and my boyfriend just pounded beers and took shots and I was like "what am I even doing here?" I felt like dead weight, a party pooper. (I often feel this way when I'm not drinking and my boyfriend or friends are). Well, this same friend is in town visiting this week, and on Tuesday night we all went out, while I was drinking. We went to a dive bar near my house, stayed out 'till we closed the bar down, karaoking and drinking. This was a horrible decision on my part since I had to be at the office the next morning, and instead I spent half the day sleeping. But we sure did have fun, and I felt like the life of the party, everyone liked me and sure enough the next day my boyfriend's friend told him that I'm awesome, that I'm fun and nice and I blew him away with my karaoke rendition of Fergalicioius. Clearly he didn't say he liked me or had fun with me the first time we met, so I just feel it's the alcohol in me that people like, and without it I'm boring or a bump on a log.
I know I need to just like/accept myself no matter what and that drinking isn't worth it, but this part of my identity is really hard to let go of.
I guess it's a combination of knowing/fearing that other people don't like me without alcohol because I'm too nervous and uptight, AND not liking myself without it because I feel so weird. Does this ever go away in time? How do I deal with it?
When I wasn't drinking for 7+ months, it was very hard for me to be in social settings (especially where other people were drinking) and not drink. I felt like a weirdo. Whereas when I'm drinking, I feel like I fit in much better.
Another thing is that my boyfriend and I have a lot of fun when we drink together. I fear he likes me better when I'm drinking, and to be honest it is much more fun to drink when he's drinking than to not drink when he's drinking- it's like I'm on the same level, or a completely different level, than he is depending on whether I drink when he does or not. Plus it's no fun to go out and not drink when everyone else is, yet I don't want to stay home alone either.
As an example of what I'm trying to say. My boyfriend has a friend who lives out of state. Over the winter, we went up to visit this friend while skiing, and met him at a bar. At the time I wasn't drinking and I felt weird, I tried to take an interest in the friend (it was the first time I had met him), and be friendly but he and my boyfriend just pounded beers and took shots and I was like "what am I even doing here?" I felt like dead weight, a party pooper. (I often feel this way when I'm not drinking and my boyfriend or friends are). Well, this same friend is in town visiting this week, and on Tuesday night we all went out, while I was drinking. We went to a dive bar near my house, stayed out 'till we closed the bar down, karaoking and drinking. This was a horrible decision on my part since I had to be at the office the next morning, and instead I spent half the day sleeping. But we sure did have fun, and I felt like the life of the party, everyone liked me and sure enough the next day my boyfriend's friend told him that I'm awesome, that I'm fun and nice and I blew him away with my karaoke rendition of Fergalicioius. Clearly he didn't say he liked me or had fun with me the first time we met, so I just feel it's the alcohol in me that people like, and without it I'm boring or a bump on a log.
I know I need to just like/accept myself no matter what and that drinking isn't worth it, but this part of my identity is really hard to let go of.
I guess it's a combination of knowing/fearing that other people don't like me without alcohol because I'm too nervous and uptight, AND not liking myself without it because I feel so weird. Does this ever go away in time? How do I deal with it?
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Pigtails, I am less comfortable in social settings when I am not drinking, too. Consequently, I socialize less often now and only with I love. And, I'm okay with that. I enjoy spending time with myself much more than I used to.
And, yes, I had to get used to the idea that not everyone would like me, and I'm very okay with that too. I don't like everyone I meet either, who does? Is it really important to you that your boyfriend's friend thought you were awesome? Isn't it more important what you think of yourself?
And, yes, I had to get used to the idea that not everyone would like me, and I'm very okay with that too. I don't like everyone I meet either, who does? Is it really important to you that your boyfriend's friend thought you were awesome? Isn't it more important what you think of yourself?
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
I feel a lot of insecurity issues in this post, which I get because I was the same way. I hate to tell you this, but you need to stop going to bars. If you aren't drinking, why go? That is something i've had to give up to be the sober person I want to be! It's making you feel more insecure, and making you question your decision to get sober. this is not your first attempt at being sober, so I guess you are doing it for a reason. You need to remove yourself from that for awhile. It's just setting you up to drink again.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Putting down the bottle has NEVER worked all that well for me. Sure, I don't get DUI's when I'm not drinking......I don't wake up sick when I'm not drinking......I don't have hangovers all day when I'm not drinking.......
.......but alcoholISM is at it's strongest when I'M NOT DRINKING. The only thing that's worked successfully in my life is to recover from alcoholism (of which, "not drinking" is a small but important part).
.......but alcoholISM is at it's strongest when I'M NOT DRINKING. The only thing that's worked successfully in my life is to recover from alcoholism (of which, "not drinking" is a small but important part).
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Hey Pigtails nice to see you! For me it's all about pros/cons. For a really long time I could somewhat manage the cons of drinking and the pros were just like you described... I'd have a blast drinking with friends/lovers and would party just about as long as anyone else... or longer. Sure alcohol would "remove" some of my nervousness around new people and liven things up some. The problem that I ran into was that the price of pay to play became way to great for me. I would get such bad hangovers and miss work like you described and then drink to nurse them. Endless cycle.
Maybe you can write a list of your pros/cons from drinking? If after you look at it, you can honestly say that the good times are worth more than the bad ones, then perhaps you will choose to continue drinking. If the cons are too overwhealming... well... then you know what must be done.
God bless!
Maybe you can write a list of your pros/cons from drinking? If after you look at it, you can honestly say that the good times are worth more than the bad ones, then perhaps you will choose to continue drinking. If the cons are too overwhealming... well... then you know what must be done.
God bless!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
I used alcohol to loosen up. And boy did I loosen up. And then I drank alcohol just to drink. Then I stopped some 30ish years later. And I had to and am still learning to reconnect with myself again. Sure I miss being the "life of the party", but what is that really?! I'm really liking myself a lot and wonder now why I let myself be buried in that mess for so long.
It really is worth getting rid of that drinking crap.
It really is worth getting rid of that drinking crap.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm not a party pooper just because I don't drink. I still like to have fun, be goofy, and stay up too late.
In general, I don't enjoy hanging out with a bunch of people who are drinking. I've done it on occasion. I can have fun if I let myself. Early in sobriety though, before a year or so, I avoided bars and situations like that.
It took me some time, but I'm now able to be more comfortable in social situations. It's an odd feeling at 37 to still feel like a social misfit ...... but it does happen. It is what it is.
Keep your head up Pigtails.
In general, I don't enjoy hanging out with a bunch of people who are drinking. I've done it on occasion. I can have fun if I let myself. Early in sobriety though, before a year or so, I avoided bars and situations like that.
It took me some time, but I'm now able to be more comfortable in social situations. It's an odd feeling at 37 to still feel like a social misfit ...... but it does happen. It is what it is.
Keep your head up Pigtails.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 325
Do you remember the reasons why you stopped drinking in the first place?
I know for me and others who quit drinking on SR or in AA, that we had to go through a lot of hell, heartache, and consequences, multiple times over, to finally look at our drinking habits.
If you didn't really experience any consequences of drinking than it would be difficult to cut out drinking if you are able to just have fun and have control over how much you drink.
Are you leaving a lot of the negative stuff out of drinking when you ask for advice? I ask this is because your stories never really touch on the negative parts or consequences of your drinking.
I understand that you would rather have support and love through this tough time, so if you are not ready to take a hard look at staying and eventually being able enjoy being sober, we will be here when you are ready.
I know for me and others who quit drinking on SR or in AA, that we had to go through a lot of hell, heartache, and consequences, multiple times over, to finally look at our drinking habits.
If you didn't really experience any consequences of drinking than it would be difficult to cut out drinking if you are able to just have fun and have control over how much you drink.
Are you leaving a lot of the negative stuff out of drinking when you ask for advice? I ask this is because your stories never really touch on the negative parts or consequences of your drinking.
I understand that you would rather have support and love through this tough time, so if you are not ready to take a hard look at staying and eventually being able enjoy being sober, we will be here when you are ready.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Out west
Posts: 191
"so I just feel it's the alcohol in me that people like, and without it I'm boring or a bump on a log."
You're probably right. It sounds like your hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics, and alcoholics love enablers. Anyone who would sit at the bar and do shooters with me I thought was awesome. As far as being boring, seek out some sober social situations and you might find your not a bump on a log after all. I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same in early sobriety as well and I wish I could articulate more, but it does get better. I now find there's little more boring than drunk people, and I love the authenticity of sobriety. Give it time, it does get better.
You're probably right. It sounds like your hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics, and alcoholics love enablers. Anyone who would sit at the bar and do shooters with me I thought was awesome. As far as being boring, seek out some sober social situations and you might find your not a bump on a log after all. I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same in early sobriety as well and I wish I could articulate more, but it does get better. I now find there's little more boring than drunk people, and I love the authenticity of sobriety. Give it time, it does get better.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I thought I liked myself better drinking too, until 2 beers turned into 12 and the "other" metalchick" came out. Not that I never had fun drinking, but those times became a lot less frequent, and I had crippling anxiety the morning after. Mostly because I couldn't remember the whole night, along with morning alcohol withdrawals, missing work, etc... It was always a wild card whether I would do something bad or extremely irresponsible when I was drinking. Sometimes I dodged a bullet and sometimes I didn't. I never knew once I started, because I couldn't seem to stop drinking.
I think I am actually funner now, because during the progression of my addiction I stopped having fun. I was always worried about drinking and what I would do. Now I get to act silly, talkative, even zany. I don't have to worry about doing something I will regret, being embarrassed by my lush behavior, blacking out, the hang overs etc...
I think I just said F- it, I am going to have some fun and get a little crazy sober. I am enjoying it so much, and my BF likes that he doesn't have to babysit the drunk.
Now, when I put my foot in my mouth or do something a little over the top, it is actually a great feeling, because I am just being me and not being the drunkie.
I am finding that I can be a really fun person
I want to make the disclaimer that what I do is metal shows, not going to bars for the purpose of drinking with people who are there to get really drunk. That wouldn't work out too well for me. I know myself well enough to know that I would drink at this point in my recovery. At shows some people get really drunk, but a lot drink moderately, or don't drink at all. The mixture of folks helps. Most of the people I see that get really hammered at shows make jackasses of themselves.
Pigtails, One of the biggest lies that our addiction tells us is that we need to drink to be fun. believing this lie cause many to slip or to keep drinking. I believed this for a long time, and it still pops into my mind, but the more fun I have sober the weaker the lie becomes
Of course, I have in no way arrived, and I am not above your same worries, but I know it will get better and better in time. We can do this
Sorry to ramble all over the place, I just really relate to your post.
Hugs, MC
I think I am actually funner now, because during the progression of my addiction I stopped having fun. I was always worried about drinking and what I would do. Now I get to act silly, talkative, even zany. I don't have to worry about doing something I will regret, being embarrassed by my lush behavior, blacking out, the hang overs etc...
I think I just said F- it, I am going to have some fun and get a little crazy sober. I am enjoying it so much, and my BF likes that he doesn't have to babysit the drunk.
Now, when I put my foot in my mouth or do something a little over the top, it is actually a great feeling, because I am just being me and not being the drunkie.
I am finding that I can be a really fun person
I want to make the disclaimer that what I do is metal shows, not going to bars for the purpose of drinking with people who are there to get really drunk. That wouldn't work out too well for me. I know myself well enough to know that I would drink at this point in my recovery. At shows some people get really drunk, but a lot drink moderately, or don't drink at all. The mixture of folks helps. Most of the people I see that get really hammered at shows make jackasses of themselves.
Pigtails, One of the biggest lies that our addiction tells us is that we need to drink to be fun. believing this lie cause many to slip or to keep drinking. I believed this for a long time, and it still pops into my mind, but the more fun I have sober the weaker the lie becomes
Of course, I have in no way arrived, and I am not above your same worries, but I know it will get better and better in time. We can do this
Sorry to ramble all over the place, I just really relate to your post.
Hugs, MC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Anna 
Pigtails, I am less comfortable in social settings when I am not drinking, too. Consequently, I socialize less often now and only with people I love. And, I'm okay with that. I enjoy spending time with myself much more than I used to.
And, yes, I had to get used to the idea that not everyone would like me, and I'm very okay with that too. I don't like everyone I meet either, who does? Is it really important to you that your boyfriend's friend thought you were awesome? Isn't it more important what you think of yourself?
And, yes, I had to get used to the idea that not everyone would like me, and I'm very okay with that too. I don't like everyone I meet either, who does? Is it really important to you that your boyfriend's friend thought you were awesome? Isn't it more important what you think of yourself?
I first started drinking when I was studying abroad in Spain in college, and I would go with a Spanish friend to discotecas/clubs. The price of admittance included two drinks, and I would get one rum and coke and one regular coke (!) and I would also bring a book in my purse and even sometimes read it in the club (!), or at least long for the night to be over so I could go back home and curl up in bed with my book (we would stay out until the metro opened at 6am! I was down for a little fun but hated how the night drug on like that!)
It was only after I started drinking regularly/heavily, which was in graduate school mostly, that I started always wanting to go out with people and party all the time. When the party was over, or no one was doing anything, I felt "lonely," even though I had always enjoyed being on my own in the past! I pretty much gave up my solitary interests and just always went out drinking with other people.
So maybe I just need to return to who I was and not care what other people think. Or strike a balance between trying to learn to accept myself and be "social" when the time calls for it, but also enjoy my solitary time and realize life's not just one big party.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I think it's hard for all of us to let go of a lifestyle we're used to when we don't know what we're trading it in for...... But if we make the best choices we can today, we're sowing the seeds for a better future.
At one point you were talking about your boyfriend's alcoholism and questioning whether you'd be able to stay sober in the relationship. Do you think that might be one reason you went back to drinking (i.e. to be happy in the relationship?)
Hang in there, pigtails!
At one point you were talking about your boyfriend's alcoholism and questioning whether you'd be able to stay sober in the relationship. Do you think that might be one reason you went back to drinking (i.e. to be happy in the relationship?)
Hang in there, pigtails!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I struggle with this one constantly! My ex was an alcoholic and all of his friends were big drinkers. He never understood why I felt the need to avoid them and the parties. Sometimes I would drink with them in order to be able to fit in, but if we drank too much the two of us would end up in an argument which was not so much fun anyway.
Now that I'm single I'm trying to rebuild my life around things and people that do not involve lots of drinking, and that means staying away from bars for sure. I have not quit totally as I still seem to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes and go home. There was a lot of drinking in my past relationship and now that he's gone I have cut back dramatically, which is great because I was starting to wonder if I was turning into an alcoholic myself. I know I have difficulties staying sober when everyone around me is drinking, right now I am looking at that pattern and trying to figure out what to do about it. I realize I may need to just quit for good
Anyway I would take a look at the reasons you wanted to quit in the first place and what do you want to do with your life. A friend of mine one told me, "Anyone can be an entertaining drunk", which is true... you can get yourself sucked into the persona of wanting to be the life of the party but if that comes back later to bite you in the a** with hangovers and missed work, clearly that's not a pattern you want to get into. Part of being a responsible adult is owning up to your responsibilities and realizing we need to grow up and life can't be a constant party.
I hope that helps!
Now that I'm single I'm trying to rebuild my life around things and people that do not involve lots of drinking, and that means staying away from bars for sure. I have not quit totally as I still seem to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes and go home. There was a lot of drinking in my past relationship and now that he's gone I have cut back dramatically, which is great because I was starting to wonder if I was turning into an alcoholic myself. I know I have difficulties staying sober when everyone around me is drinking, right now I am looking at that pattern and trying to figure out what to do about it. I realize I may need to just quit for good
Anyway I would take a look at the reasons you wanted to quit in the first place and what do you want to do with your life. A friend of mine one told me, "Anyone can be an entertaining drunk", which is true... you can get yourself sucked into the persona of wanting to be the life of the party but if that comes back later to bite you in the a** with hangovers and missed work, clearly that's not a pattern you want to get into. Part of being a responsible adult is owning up to your responsibilities and realizing we need to grow up and life can't be a constant party.
I hope that helps!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
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I think it takes time to be comfortable out sober Pigtails.
Not only are you still dealing with the mental side of the addiction months into sobriety but you need to get to know yourself all over again. I don't think your whole life can just be the same but without booze.
In a way, for me, alcohol made some events fun which in reality I would find boring. So I get to not do them now
And the times I was sober and uncomfortable around drinkers in early sobriety were because I was uncomfortable with myself. It had/has nothing to do with what other people think of me. I could handle my drink pretty well and I would have had to be wasted before someone could actually tell from the outside that I had been drinking, so on a normal night out I can't see how what I drank would have an effect on what people thought of me. It is about how I behave. If I am miserable sober then of course people are going to point it out and blame it on the fact I haven't been drinking. But then if I am miserable sober I mustn't be doing it right.
I'm still not going out all the time because I don't fully trust myself yet but I have had glimpses of being the life of the party sober so I know it's not impossible.
Really if you have to drink to have a good time socially then that's a sign of a serious problem and something that needs work, not something to be just blindly accepted.
Not only are you still dealing with the mental side of the addiction months into sobriety but you need to get to know yourself all over again. I don't think your whole life can just be the same but without booze.
In a way, for me, alcohol made some events fun which in reality I would find boring. So I get to not do them now
And the times I was sober and uncomfortable around drinkers in early sobriety were because I was uncomfortable with myself. It had/has nothing to do with what other people think of me. I could handle my drink pretty well and I would have had to be wasted before someone could actually tell from the outside that I had been drinking, so on a normal night out I can't see how what I drank would have an effect on what people thought of me. It is about how I behave. If I am miserable sober then of course people are going to point it out and blame it on the fact I haven't been drinking. But then if I am miserable sober I mustn't be doing it right.
I'm still not going out all the time because I don't fully trust myself yet but I have had glimpses of being the life of the party sober so I know it's not impossible.
Really if you have to drink to have a good time socially then that's a sign of a serious problem and something that needs work, not something to be just blindly accepted.
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Originally Posted by Live2Run25
I feel a lot of insecurity issues in this post, which I get because I was the same way. I hate to tell you this, but you need to stop going to bars. If you aren't drinking, why go? That is something i've had to give up to be the sober person I want to be! It's making you feel more insecure, and making you question your decision to get sober. this is not your first attempt at being sober, so I guess you are doing it for a reason. You need to remove yourself from that for awhile. It's just setting you up to drink again.
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Originally Posted by Nirvana1
Do you remember the reasons why you stopped drinking in the first place?
I know for me and others who quit drinking on SR or in AA, that we had to go through a lot of hell, heartache, and consequences, multiple times over, to finally look at our drinking habits.
If you didn't really experience any consequences of drinking than it would be difficult to cut out drinking if you are able to just have fun and have control over how much you drink.
Are you leaving a lot of the negative stuff out of drinking when you ask for advice? I ask this is because your stories never really touch on the negative parts or consequences of your drinking.
I understand that you would rather have support and love through this tough time, so if you are not ready to take a hard look at staying and eventually being able enjoy being sober, we will be here when you are ready.
I know for me and others who quit drinking on SR or in AA, that we had to go through a lot of hell, heartache, and consequences, multiple times over, to finally look at our drinking habits.
If you didn't really experience any consequences of drinking than it would be difficult to cut out drinking if you are able to just have fun and have control over how much you drink.
Are you leaving a lot of the negative stuff out of drinking when you ask for advice? I ask this is because your stories never really touch on the negative parts or consequences of your drinking.
I understand that you would rather have support and love through this tough time, so if you are not ready to take a hard look at staying and eventually being able enjoy being sober, we will be here when you are ready.
Right now the negative consequences of drinking are:
- bad physical health
- being unproductive
- increasing my anxiety and depression (although sometimes it "seems" to help).
In the past, like when I stopped drinking the first time, I was making horrible lifestyle choices, felt frozen in unhappiness and indecision, making really dangerous decisions while drunk etc. Plus all of the above and even worse emotional health.
Today is my second day of not drinking and I hope to keep it up.
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Originally Posted by Elphaba
"so I just feel it's the alcohol in me that people like, and without it I'm boring or a bump on a log."
You're probably right. It sounds like your hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics, and alcoholics love enablers. Anyone who would sit at the bar and do shooters with me I thought was awesome. As far as being boring, seek out some sober social situations and you might find your not a bump on a log after all. I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same in early sobriety as well and I wish I could articulate more, but it does get better. I now find there's little more boring than drunk people, and I love the authenticity of sobriety. Give it time, it does get better.
You're probably right. It sounds like your hanging out with a bunch of alcoholics, and alcoholics love enablers. Anyone who would sit at the bar and do shooters with me I thought was awesome. As far as being boring, seek out some sober social situations and you might find your not a bump on a log after all. I know exactly how you feel, I felt the same in early sobriety as well and I wish I could articulate more, but it does get better. I now find there's little more boring than drunk people, and I love the authenticity of sobriety. Give it time, it does get better.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
There's some really good advice here pigtails.
I never liked myself.
Drinking helped me avoid dealing with that - unfortunately drinking also decimated me, my health, my life and my relationships.
I also became quite the party pooper when drinking- I broke up a lot of parties by being obnoxious, embarrassing, ill, or injured due to drinking.
so....I tried being sober & living my old life too - I didn't want to change my life.
I found there's two ways you can go there...be miserable because 'one of these things is not like the other'...or you can drink.
Eventually I chose a third option...
I changed my life, in some really big ways, and I started to work on some of that deep underlying stuff I started to drink over, many many years ago.
It was rough work, and it was a hard road - but so was drinking.
To my surprise I found I got happy
I really hope you'll give yourself the chance too, PT.
D
I never liked myself.
Drinking helped me avoid dealing with that - unfortunately drinking also decimated me, my health, my life and my relationships.
I also became quite the party pooper when drinking- I broke up a lot of parties by being obnoxious, embarrassing, ill, or injured due to drinking.
so....I tried being sober & living my old life too - I didn't want to change my life.
I found there's two ways you can go there...be miserable because 'one of these things is not like the other'...or you can drink.
Eventually I chose a third option...
I changed my life, in some really big ways, and I started to work on some of that deep underlying stuff I started to drink over, many many years ago.
It was rough work, and it was a hard road - but so was drinking.
To my surprise I found I got happy
I really hope you'll give yourself the chance too, PT.
D
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