Softball27

Some of you may remember my thread Tough Love? My daughter has been gone now for about a month. We do see her occasionally and talk to her on the phone. But, we still have her car and phone and we no longer give her money. She did get a job, but, I just found out today from someone else that she just quit going to her job. Just last week when I talked to her she was glad that she would be getting a paycheck so that she could get her car licensed and insured and start giving us monthly payments so that she could get her car back instead of relying on someone else to get her to and from work. She is living with a "friend" who is also an addict and the friend's mother. The mother's house is right next door to some apartments where more "friends" live who are addicts. My daughter is addicted to heroin and she may be using other things as well. I got a phone call from her this afternoon telling me that a girl she went to hair school with told her about a job opening. My daughter told me that she didn't get her paycheck and that she needs a ride to this job interview at 6:45 tonight 60 miles away. So, bing the enabler that I am I said I will give you a ride. She then said thats her calling now I will call you back. She then called me an hour later and said the only way I will let you give me a ride is if I can drive. I said No, what happened to your job, shouldn' t you be working right now. She said I had to quit, it was kicking my butt (She was working at a filtration plant from six in the morning to five or six in the evening) and I hated having insulation on me for eight dollars an hour. And I said that is alot better than nothing and how do you plan to get to work at a job 60 miles away? She then got frustrated and said I will call you back if I can't find a ride. She then texted me and said I found a ride, I will stop and see you guys on my way home. I love you. What do I do now? I am thinking since she quit going to her job that she is still using. I am trying to be strong and I do not want to enable her in any way but, I feel so bad and so helpless, I love her so much and I know the potential that she has. But, honestly when she moved out, she said that she was doing this for herself that she had to hit rock bottom to get better. She was in rehab about a year ago. Anyway, I do not see her getting better and I really think that given where she is living that as long as she stays there it is not even possible for her to get clean. I am so confused, heartbroken,angry, feel guilty( what could have I done differently 7 years ago that would have prevented this from happening).

Ilovemysonjj

Hello dear, I am a mother of a 22 year old heroin addict. I too wonder if I could have done anything differently, but at the end of the day, any influence I would have had ended at age 18. That is time our children become adults. I coerced, bribed, enabled, ignored, lied for my son to try and get him to see his potential. Truth is this. He picked up Heroin after he turned 20. At that time, all of my influence is long gone. He lied, stole, and finally crashed and burned. At 22, he got out of jail and rehab and then stole from us again after his relapse on mothers day (yes in my presence he stole out of our home again.) All I can tell you is it is ESSENTIAL you stop enabling your daughter. She needs to realize how to succeed without her Mom picking her up. I haven't heard from my son since July 6, but I have peace because my offer is always there. "I will support you in getting detox and recovery and THAT's it." If I stay firm in my ground, then history will not continue to repeat itself for us in the cycle of enabling, getting hurt and then chasing him to gain control again.

Ann

Softball, I am sorry your are going through the pain of having an addicted daughter. My son is my addicted loved one and I have been where you are.

Sorry to say this, but nobody needs a car ride 60 miles to get a job that they can't get to...sounds like she maybe had something else in mind. And quitting a job is another common story with us moms. Sadly, they will keep telling us stories until we stop giving them something each time that they do.

The sad truth is, your daughter knows where help is and will get it only when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping. She knows where help is when she is ready.

Like you, I worried 24 hours a day, made myself sick trying to save my son but I learned that all the love in the world cannot save them if they don't want saving...if it could, not one of us would be here.

After years and years of trying, begging, crying, and making myself crazy, I had to let go and let my son find his own way. I begin each day with a prayer and give his care to God, then go about my day living it well...as life should be lived.

It's hard to stop "helping", but something the founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, once said "You could love them right into their grave" made me realize I was doing more harm than good...to both of us.

Hugs

crazybabie

I think most of us mothers wonder what we could have done differently and honestly I don't think we could have done anything we did the best we could with what we had at that time.

Now we know about enabling etc... then we didn't at least I didn't I can't turn back the clock I can only go from today.

TMZ

The only thing you could have done differently is to take away there freedom and not allow them the freedom of choice. But then would that be a better life, is that what you would wanted for your child? No that is not, and that is why you raised your child the way you did.

It is not what you did or didn't do. It was there free choice and there mistake. This time there is noting you can do to fix it or even make it better for them. This time they must clime that mountain alone. They must decide on there own what kind of life they want to live. There is nothing we can do or say to make them make the choice we want them to. They have a disease that only they can recover from.

We must let go and let God do his work. I know very well how hard it is, but we must have faith in the way we did raise our children.

To me it sounds your doing as well as the rest of us. I might suggest the 24 hour rule that has help me so much. when they call wait 24 hours before returning the call. It's amassing how they take care of there own issues when you give them the time to do it.

outtolunch

I don't think anyone tries heroin with the intention of getting addicted/becoming a junkie. Smoking/snorting the stuff is happening in Middle Schools in suburbia. Kids are convinced that smoking or inhaling is not addictive and only dope fiends inject. It's kind of like the folk lore that one can't get pregnant on the first time. They are curious and believe they can control it. Many are addicted from the start. My daughter was.

I have no doubt that if I tried heroin, I too would become addicted and I don't take anything stronger than asprin. Only difference is I have no delusions about control. I KNOW I could not control it. And I KNOW I will never test it.

Short of tying her down and locking her up (a crime) when she turned 18, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make a difference. She made a lot of lousy choices.

outtolunch

The heroin addict with access to a car is held in high regard by their peer group.

Cars are useful for trips to score. Passengers are expected to " tip out". Cars are useful to transport stolen goods. Heroin and theft go hand in hand.

No is a complete sentence. " No because..." opens the door to negotiation. You lose.