Jaded or cautious?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Jaded or cautious?
We just went to see my AD at her sober house for the first time. It is a stately old home in beautiful condition, houses a dozen or so young women. We brought groceries and chatted with her in a common area. She's been clean for 37 days. She was talkative and attentive. And nervous.
I just don't trust any of it to last. She is talking the same kind of talk she was a year ago, long before I knew about her heroin use, about "traveling" with "traveling kids" and hating our town, judging and criticizing the whole world...The upside down cross, the tattoos, the ragtag circus-y outfit.
I clearly need her to be DIFFERENT than she was before she had a short little 28 day inpatient stay. I want her to remember that she nearly died last October, that she doesn't need another BOYFRIEND (who is 12 years older, a new record), doesn't need to RIDE her BIKE with him to the Southwestern US where he has two boys. I know this is very codie of me. I've been reading voraciously.
So I clearly need Al-Anon tonight and need the Posse of Mommas at my side right now. I am grieving so much. Why can't I feel happy for her sober days, her new plans, her ideas about her future, no matter how much I judge them? I feel guilty for expecting her to fail, expecting her to relapse, expecting her to hurt us again and again. She's young and smart and resourceful--she can do it, can't she? Well, her momma doesn't believe it.
I haven't stopped crying since we got back. After hugging her goodbye and telling her I so admire her courage to stay sober & work NA, she asked if her BF could come over when she stopped by later. I weakly said yes. Once we got home, my H reminded me what we had decided the night of the "baby hawk" incident. So I texted her and told her that I am not comfortable with her new man being in our house -- too many triggers, etc. No response from her, as I expected. I know I set a boundary, and I am glad about that.
The thing I feel the worst about is the enormous weight of my diminished expectations. Is that just a boundary too, painful as it is? Any way to turn it around so it doesn't feel so heavy? I feel as wiped out emotionally as I did after 2 hours in a family therapy session when I had to tell her she couldn't live at home.
I just don't trust any of it to last. She is talking the same kind of talk she was a year ago, long before I knew about her heroin use, about "traveling" with "traveling kids" and hating our town, judging and criticizing the whole world...The upside down cross, the tattoos, the ragtag circus-y outfit.
I clearly need her to be DIFFERENT than she was before she had a short little 28 day inpatient stay. I want her to remember that she nearly died last October, that she doesn't need another BOYFRIEND (who is 12 years older, a new record), doesn't need to RIDE her BIKE with him to the Southwestern US where he has two boys. I know this is very codie of me. I've been reading voraciously.
So I clearly need Al-Anon tonight and need the Posse of Mommas at my side right now. I am grieving so much. Why can't I feel happy for her sober days, her new plans, her ideas about her future, no matter how much I judge them? I feel guilty for expecting her to fail, expecting her to relapse, expecting her to hurt us again and again. She's young and smart and resourceful--she can do it, can't she? Well, her momma doesn't believe it.
I haven't stopped crying since we got back. After hugging her goodbye and telling her I so admire her courage to stay sober & work NA, she asked if her BF could come over when she stopped by later. I weakly said yes. Once we got home, my H reminded me what we had decided the night of the "baby hawk" incident. So I texted her and told her that I am not comfortable with her new man being in our house -- too many triggers, etc. No response from her, as I expected. I know I set a boundary, and I am glad about that.
The thing I feel the worst about is the enormous weight of my diminished expectations. Is that just a boundary too, painful as it is? Any way to turn it around so it doesn't feel so heavy? I feel as wiped out emotionally as I did after 2 hours in a family therapy session when I had to tell her she couldn't live at home.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 12
GardenMama, I have no advice-I just don't have the experience to give any. I do know that your posts have helped me so much-I wish I could do the same for you. I feel your pain and especially the part about being guilty for expecting her to fail. My son has been in treatment about 3 weeks-he was gone all weekend-home now but I can't bare the thought of what he was doing. I believe he was out using and that the past 3 weeks have been for nothing. But-what can I do about it? Nothing but pray for strength. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. One thing I have learned is that we have to have hope and we have to believe that one day they will get well.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I have been there and felt ALL of those things... I am still there feeling those things! I can give you a big old fat mama hug, and tell you to stay in the moment, and to not worry about things that have not happened yet. Beyond that I am reminding both of us that everything is just as it is meant to be...and all is well. Oh yeah, and don't forget to breathe.
I'm walking right next to you, sweetie. Maybe if we lean on each other, we'll both remain standing, eh?
I'm walking right next to you, sweetie. Maybe if we lean on each other, we'll both remain standing, eh?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
GardenMama, I understand how you feel because in a way I feel like that too. My son spent January and February in a rehab. When he got out in March, I was so hopeful. It seemed as if this time was different, unlike when he did the outpatient route last year. I really thought he was on the right path, only to discover he began using within a short time. He went to another rehab in April, spent 28 days and then moved to a sober living house. He's a few days away from being clean 4 months. Despite this clean time, I have not allowed my hopes to get too high. There's some days when I ask myself is it really true he's clean this amount of time. But then I have to stop my mind from going there because it does no good. I think the fact that he has relapsed a few times in the past has left me very guarded about my feelings. I know that heroin is one of the hardest drugs to kick and that is always in the back of my mind. I don't and won't let myself have any expectations as to what the outcome will be for my son. I know, it's sad but that's the way it has to be for me. I just take it one day at a time and keep praying for him and all the other addicts and their loved ones. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
GardenMama,
So glad you have an Alanon meeting to get some face to face support. Sending you a big hug to calm your nerves and quiet your thoughts. AND to let you know how proud I am of you that you sent the text to her about not wanting the new boyfriend to visit yet.
So glad you have an Alanon meeting to get some face to face support. Sending you a big hug to calm your nerves and quiet your thoughts. AND to let you know how proud I am of you that you sent the text to her about not wanting the new boyfriend to visit yet.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
I am walking with you too Gardenmama. I read your post earlier today and then needed to let it sit and drift around in my head and heart before responding.
For years I was always very vocal about having the simple desire that my kids would be happy in what ever they chose to do with their lives. That was all I cared about. I was very firm in this while many of my friend's kids were in AP classes, multiple school clubs, applying to 16 universities....all pre-law & pre-med.......I always felt that many of my friends were living their lives through their expectations for their kids. Then I found out that my son was addicted to meth. My beautiful, intelligent, pre-phychologist son.......Now I have to live my words. Some days it is easy and other days it is difficult. I have added to my desire that my kids are healthy! Some days I am just happy that my son has expectations! And all the days he is in recovery I am grateful and proud of him.
Otherwise, my expectations are that they will live their lives to the best of their ability and it is my desire that they are happy and healthy. I repeat this over and over......
I also try to keep in mind that it is my expectations for my life that should be my focus. I also expect that I will be happy and healthy......thankfully I have a little bit more control over that outcome!
It is hard.....we just keep trying our best I think.....
For years I was always very vocal about having the simple desire that my kids would be happy in what ever they chose to do with their lives. That was all I cared about. I was very firm in this while many of my friend's kids were in AP classes, multiple school clubs, applying to 16 universities....all pre-law & pre-med.......I always felt that many of my friends were living their lives through their expectations for their kids. Then I found out that my son was addicted to meth. My beautiful, intelligent, pre-phychologist son.......Now I have to live my words. Some days it is easy and other days it is difficult. I have added to my desire that my kids are healthy! Some days I am just happy that my son has expectations! And all the days he is in recovery I am grateful and proud of him.
Otherwise, my expectations are that they will live their lives to the best of their ability and it is my desire that they are happy and healthy. I repeat this over and over......
I also try to keep in mind that it is my expectations for my life that should be my focus. I also expect that I will be happy and healthy......thankfully I have a little bit more control over that outcome!
It is hard.....we just keep trying our best I think.....
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
good job on your boundaries.
if you don't agree with her having a new boyfriend (and according to most ideas about recovery a new relationship distracts you from the work of recovery... especially so soon!)
so since you don't agree with it there is no reason whatsoever to have him in your home.
no eggshells
no masking
no hiding
no boundary breaking BS
live
be real
be yourself
breathe
to thine own self be true
if you don't agree with her having a new boyfriend (and according to most ideas about recovery a new relationship distracts you from the work of recovery... especially so soon!)
so since you don't agree with it there is no reason whatsoever to have him in your home.
no eggshells
no masking
no hiding
no boundary breaking BS
live
be real
be yourself
breathe
to thine own self be true
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Good morning, Garden Mama. Though the emotions are now a heavy burden, the intensity may fade; I think it's positive that you have set and follow through with boundaries and don't have unrealistic expectations.
Just another mom here encouraging you to keep your chin up, and I'm sending prayers your way.
Just another mom here encouraging you to keep your chin up, and I'm sending prayers your way.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
As an afterthought, I would like to add that it may take a very long time for trust to build.
On a personal note - though my son has shown respect of late for boundaries we've established, my husband and I still don't completely trust him. Of course, my son recognizes this and brought it up to me. I didn't deny it, and I told him it takes a long time to gain trust, reminding him that a few years ago, when he was in treatment, more than once counselors expressed that this would be the case (building trust taking a long time). He's dealing with it.
On a personal note - though my son has shown respect of late for boundaries we've established, my husband and I still don't completely trust him. Of course, my son recognizes this and brought it up to me. I didn't deny it, and I told him it takes a long time to gain trust, reminding him that a few years ago, when he was in treatment, more than once counselors expressed that this would be the case (building trust taking a long time). He's dealing with it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember so well the roller coaster ride I took...from so very scared when he was using, to rejoicing when he went to rehab, to feeling secure and proud when he actually behaved like a healthy human, and then the heart-sinking feeling of watching him repeat the old behaviours that took him down every time...and I was just a spectator. He was no longer 6 years old and I could no longer bring soup and make him well. This one was his to fix...or not...when he was ready.
I have always maintained that having a front row seat to their addiction drama is the worst seat in the house. Whether they live at home or we are so wrapped up in their lives that we see every move...it stinks to be a mama sitting in the front row.
Once I gave up my seat and left the theatre, I found help for myself. It was then and only then that I stopped getting sick from his ride. I found it was okay for me to find peace, it was okay for me to actually find happiness in life, it was okay for me to live a healthy life...even when he chose not to.
She may not be done, GardenMama, I really hope and pray she is but if she is not there is nothing you or I can do to change the outcome.
So grab your Posse Mama T-shirt, and let's you and I find ourselves a meeting, some coffee and some good old fashioned recovery. Maybe we could grab some cheesecake while we're at it...no matter how bad our days, cheesecake always makes it better.
Big Posse sized hugs.
I have always maintained that having a front row seat to their addiction drama is the worst seat in the house. Whether they live at home or we are so wrapped up in their lives that we see every move...it stinks to be a mama sitting in the front row.
Once I gave up my seat and left the theatre, I found help for myself. It was then and only then that I stopped getting sick from his ride. I found it was okay for me to find peace, it was okay for me to actually find happiness in life, it was okay for me to live a healthy life...even when he chose not to.
She may not be done, GardenMama, I really hope and pray she is but if she is not there is nothing you or I can do to change the outcome.
So grab your Posse Mama T-shirt, and let's you and I find ourselves a meeting, some coffee and some good old fashioned recovery. Maybe we could grab some cheesecake while we're at it...no matter how bad our days, cheesecake always makes it better.
Big Posse sized hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hey GardenMama -- just checking in to see if the tears have dried and maybe you're feeling a little stronger today? Ann brings up a good point about "giving up your seat"... since she is safe in the sober house, is it possible for you to step back a little and reduce the contact you are having with her? Allow her to get her legs a little stronger all on her own? Gives you a break, too. God knows you could use a few days off.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I've got my coffee and my imaginary coffeeshop where you are all sitting around, eating cheesecake or scones. I did sleep. I haven't cried yet today. 
Just a few responses--your advice is all so helpful: Leave the theatre, be grateful for any day she's clean, to myself be true, no eggshells, no hiding, keep breathing, focus on my health and happiness.
In regards to distance, I think after our texting re:newBF, I am not going to hear much from her. I thought I'd worked at keeping my distance this week. I didn't take her to the sober house, and didn't rescue her from a bike "crisis" she had on Friday. I hadn't seen her since Wednesday night. But obviously we need even less contact, so that is my goal for the week.
My 14 yr old D is a healing contrast. We were deflated when we returned home, but later in the evening talked for a long time on her bed. She described feeling like she'd "left her body" when we were in the beautiful sober house listening to her sister talk about running off, leaving town, etc. "Why does she always have to run, Momma?" These are the conversations that need my attention.
And I need my own attention! I have no shortage of things to do for myself--finish my dissertation, find a job, keep my garden happy, go to yoga.
Thanks again and again for the hugs and prayers and loving advice.
Just a few responses--your advice is all so helpful: Leave the theatre, be grateful for any day she's clean, to myself be true, no eggshells, no hiding, keep breathing, focus on my health and happiness.
In regards to distance, I think after our texting re:newBF, I am not going to hear much from her. I thought I'd worked at keeping my distance this week. I didn't take her to the sober house, and didn't rescue her from a bike "crisis" she had on Friday. I hadn't seen her since Wednesday night. But obviously we need even less contact, so that is my goal for the week.
My 14 yr old D is a healing contrast. We were deflated when we returned home, but later in the evening talked for a long time on her bed. She described feeling like she'd "left her body" when we were in the beautiful sober house listening to her sister talk about running off, leaving town, etc. "Why does she always have to run, Momma?" These are the conversations that need my attention.
And I need my own attention! I have no shortage of things to do for myself--finish my dissertation, find a job, keep my garden happy, go to yoga.
Thanks again and again for the hugs and prayers and loving advice.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southeast, USA
Posts: 69
Garden Mama, just popping in to say "I feel ya"! My heroin AS has about 60 days jail clean time and one week out of jail clean time...he is staying and working with a friend and I know he is clean right.now.today. He has been struggling with this for three years this month.
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