My long distance boyfriend is recovering and just stopped talking to me
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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My long distance boyfriend is recovering and just stopped talking to me
Hi all
I'm new here and need your help but first I need to give you a little background to my story and hope that I don't bore anyone. 20 years ago, I dated a man that was really into drinking and using marijuana, we were young and I thought that I had it all with him and we loved one another, he ended up leaving me for his ex girlfriend and moved out of state, never to be heard from again and I never really thought of him over those 20 years, as I was married and had a life of my own. Fast forward 20 years, I'm now divorced and not in a relationship, he found me on a social networking sight and we became fast friends and then started to really love one another again. He admitted to me right from the beginning that he was a recovering alcoholic and crack addict and was living in a recovery house, at this point he had 15 months clean. We still live in different states, I was so happy that he was recovering and had found God. About a month into our relationship he asked me to come to see him next year when he would be visiting closer to my home and I agreed, he has a decent job and we had been talking every night, had texted most every day and he had even told me again that he loved me, we had never had cross words with one another and he always made an effort to talk to me at some point during the day, this had been going on for about 5 months, he told everyone that I was his girlfriend (even his mom) so, I guess we were in a long distance relationship..I was making plans to surprise him with a visit in December. He has lived with a family member now, after moving out of the recovery house for a little over a month, there is an alcoholic that lives in this family members house, I had voiced my concerns about this to him and he said that when other people drink, it doesn't bother him but he didn't live with this person at that time and I think it may have got hard for him but that's just my assumption and I hate to assume. Since he moved with this family member he has not once mentioned that he is still going to meetings or mentioned his sponsor and he did before when he was living in the recovery house so, I wonder if he has stopped the program. We had been talking every single night and if he couldn't call because he was busy at work he would text me and tell me that he couldn't talk..I always heard from him, one way or another. This week, he just stopped calling, without any explanation and when I asked him why and if he was ok, he got really angry with me and told me that he was fine but just busy...this is not at all like him and since the text message that told me he was busy 4 days ago, I have not heard a peep from him and I'm worried. I talk to his mom so I know that he's still working and is safe but, I didn't mention to her my concerns. He won't return my texts, my phone calls or my e-mail messages. Everyone that I know (I have lots of nurse and doctor friends) say that he's ashamed because he's using again..He has been clean now going on 20 months and I really don't want to think that
I care about him as a friend first and if he is using again I want to talk to his family and get him help..does it sound to any of you like he is using again? He seems to always have money, so I don't think he's buying crack but, I'm worried that he may drinking I wish that I could just get on a plane and go to see him but, tickets are not cheap and I go to college full time and only work part time. As a side note, we didn't get into an argument, this just happened out of no where, him not calling me..thank you all for your time, I am honestly just a concerned friend, wanted to be girlfriend and was even thinking of moving closer to him. 
I'm new here and need your help but first I need to give you a little background to my story and hope that I don't bore anyone. 20 years ago, I dated a man that was really into drinking and using marijuana, we were young and I thought that I had it all with him and we loved one another, he ended up leaving me for his ex girlfriend and moved out of state, never to be heard from again and I never really thought of him over those 20 years, as I was married and had a life of my own. Fast forward 20 years, I'm now divorced and not in a relationship, he found me on a social networking sight and we became fast friends and then started to really love one another again. He admitted to me right from the beginning that he was a recovering alcoholic and crack addict and was living in a recovery house, at this point he had 15 months clean. We still live in different states, I was so happy that he was recovering and had found God. About a month into our relationship he asked me to come to see him next year when he would be visiting closer to my home and I agreed, he has a decent job and we had been talking every night, had texted most every day and he had even told me again that he loved me, we had never had cross words with one another and he always made an effort to talk to me at some point during the day, this had been going on for about 5 months, he told everyone that I was his girlfriend (even his mom) so, I guess we were in a long distance relationship..I was making plans to surprise him with a visit in December. He has lived with a family member now, after moving out of the recovery house for a little over a month, there is an alcoholic that lives in this family members house, I had voiced my concerns about this to him and he said that when other people drink, it doesn't bother him but he didn't live with this person at that time and I think it may have got hard for him but that's just my assumption and I hate to assume. Since he moved with this family member he has not once mentioned that he is still going to meetings or mentioned his sponsor and he did before when he was living in the recovery house so, I wonder if he has stopped the program. We had been talking every single night and if he couldn't call because he was busy at work he would text me and tell me that he couldn't talk..I always heard from him, one way or another. This week, he just stopped calling, without any explanation and when I asked him why and if he was ok, he got really angry with me and told me that he was fine but just busy...this is not at all like him and since the text message that told me he was busy 4 days ago, I have not heard a peep from him and I'm worried. I talk to his mom so I know that he's still working and is safe but, I didn't mention to her my concerns. He won't return my texts, my phone calls or my e-mail messages. Everyone that I know (I have lots of nurse and doctor friends) say that he's ashamed because he's using again..He has been clean now going on 20 months and I really don't want to think that
I care about him as a friend first and if he is using again I want to talk to his family and get him help..does it sound to any of you like he is using again? He seems to always have money, so I don't think he's buying crack but, I'm worried that he may drinking I wish that I could just get on a plane and go to see him but, tickets are not cheap and I go to college full time and only work part time. As a side note, we didn't get into an argument, this just happened out of no where, him not calling me..thank you all for your time, I am honestly just a concerned friend, wanted to be girlfriend and was even thinking of moving closer to him. 
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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All signs are pointing towards him using again, I know this is silly but, I asked his mom if he was seeing someone else and she said that he for sure was not..I just texted him and told him I would leave him alone if he didn't contact me so, after today I won't be talking to him any further unless he contacts me. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Thanks everyone, I appreciate your kind words. I'm trying to be careful but, my heart is with him. Im not communicating with him right now but, I do still love him and want to see him get help if he is in fact using again.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sorry for your pain. But I hope you are reading other people's stories so that you can really understand addiction more. The stickies have lots of great information. You can not help him! You can not rescue him.
You are no match for addiction, none of us are. Personally, I think you should thank him. He just helped you dodge a bullet from hell. A bullet many people here are still trying to heal from.
You are no match for addiction, none of us are. Personally, I think you should thank him. He just helped you dodge a bullet from hell. A bullet many people here are still trying to heal from.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hi....I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand about wanting to help him but I've learned the hard way that you really can't help someone that doesn't want help. Sometimes (generally) when we help an active addict we are just keeping them from reaching their bottom.
Crack addiction is really tough to recover from. Yes....people do it but they avoid their former playmates and playgrounds. They also stick with their recovery program.
My estranged husband has relapsed on crack/alcohol after being sober for 6 + years. I would love to help him but I know that there is nothing that I can do. I've offered to take him to mental health or treatment but other than that there is nothing that I can do. I am protecting myself from him and will not have anything to do with someone in active addiction.
It's hard not to feel like you are abandoning someone that you care about but you really aren't. This disease treats you and you can feel guilty and desparate to help your loved one.
It took a lot of years with my husband to finally understand that recovery is something that each person has to reach for and maintain on their own. The more that I helped my husband the more that deprived him from developing the skills that he needs to stay sober.
I know this must be tough for you. Please do not take it personally if he has relapsed. There is nothing you or anyone else can do if that is what he's going to do.
Crack addiction is really tough to recover from. Yes....people do it but they avoid their former playmates and playgrounds. They also stick with their recovery program.
My estranged husband has relapsed on crack/alcohol after being sober for 6 + years. I would love to help him but I know that there is nothing that I can do. I've offered to take him to mental health or treatment but other than that there is nothing that I can do. I am protecting myself from him and will not have anything to do with someone in active addiction.
It's hard not to feel like you are abandoning someone that you care about but you really aren't. This disease treats you and you can feel guilty and desparate to help your loved one.
It took a lot of years with my husband to finally understand that recovery is something that each person has to reach for and maintain on their own. The more that I helped my husband the more that deprived him from developing the skills that he needs to stay sober.
I know this must be tough for you. Please do not take it personally if he has relapsed. There is nothing you or anyone else can do if that is what he's going to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Care2muc 
As a side note, we didn't get into an argument, this just happened out of no where, him not calling me..thank you all for your time, I am honestly just a concerned friend, wanted to be girlfriend and was even thinking of moving closer to him.
All the very best... try not to get lost in his addiction...... just keep reminding yourself that this addiction is overpowering and addicts put addiction FIRST - before you - no matter how much they say they love you!!!! And I have learnt the hard way.....
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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[QUOTE=LoveMeNot;3520468 He just helped you dodge a bullet from hell. A bullet many people here are still trying to heal from.[/QUOTE]
Dear God had I wished I had known all the above 5 years ago..... its a long road to recovery - but I am on it!!!
Dear God had I wished I had known all the above 5 years ago..... its a long road to recovery - but I am on it!!!
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Location: Alabama
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Originally Posted by Care2muc
All signs are pointing towards him using again, I know this is silly but, I asked his mom if he was seeing someone else and she said that he for sure was not..I just texted him and told him I would leave him alone if he didn't contact me so, after today I won't be talking to him any further unless he contacts me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by Care2muc
I care about him as a friend first and if he is using again I want to talk to his family and get him help..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 104
I guess my first question is, why are you chasing him? He has your number and your email address. He obviously knows how to reach you. If he doesn't want to talk to you then he doesn't. You can't make someone love you, contact you or treat you the way you want to be treated. Either he does or he doesn't. I understand that you've been talking and texting for 5 months, but it's time to let the relationship run it's course. Like cynical one said - sometimes people are just jerks! Walk away with a lesson learned.
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