SW2012

Hi there,

I haven't posted much but I do have an update and would like to get opinions and thoughts from those with more experience. So I had been seeing a guy for a few months, 2-3, and we had some bad experiences while he was drinking. He also lied about having a daughter until I found out. Well, we are not dating anymore but I would like to let you know what led up to us not dating anymore and tell you what is happening now and get your thoughts.

I thought it would be a good idea to have him come meet my best friend about a month ago. Well he showed up completely drunk. Staggered out of the cab with a bottle of cooking sherry and continued to hide it in the bush in front of her kids. Lied about not having money to pay the cab until the cab said he had money in his pocket. Which he did. Needless to say it was an interesting night. Him and I ended up leaving after spending some time there and when we got to his place around 5am he had lost his keys, cell. So we had to wait two hours for his mother to bring him his spare keys.... That caused a huge problem between me and my best friend. She was very upset that he came to her house in that state (I didn't know he would be like that) and her husband was furious. That same weekend while I was at his place and he was drunk his brother's wife called and he was talking to her. Well, I guess she asked what he was doing and he said he was watching a movie with a friend. A friend!!?? Ummm... we're in a relationship so how am I just a friend? A few seconds later he did say well, actually my girlfriend but that sort of made me do a exorcist head turn...

Fast forward to now. We are talking as friends as he is in a 3 week rehab program. He calls me at least once a day. I continue to talk to him because I do have feelings for him and even if I can be just a friend I would like to have him in my life. He is a great guy when he's not drinking. Well, he wants to be a couple once he is out of rehab but I keep telling him he needs to focus on his recovery once he is out and take it slow but he is just determined to be in a relationship with me. I do want to be in a relationship with him but am scared that he will drink again and I don't want that drama in my life.

So this is my update in a giffy. I would appreciate any thoughts or opinions you may have to offer.

Thank you!!!

CentralOhioDad

It's only been 2-3 months of dating and he shows up to your BEST friend's house drunk - that shows he has no interesrt in you or your friends. Wow.

Cut the ties now before you have to start making more excuses and get dragged into the hellhole he is surely spiraling towards.

Best of Luck.

Pelican

Why did you break up?

Is the reason for the break up still an issue?

21 day rehab is not a magic bullet to cure alcoholism. The really hard work is staying sober after leaving the confines of the rehab facility.

I think you should trust your gut. Your gut tells you that dating him is not a good idea. Yet he keeps trying to convince you otherwise. You understand he is minimizing your wishes to only be friends after rehab, right? Is that how you want your friends to treat you?

Katiekate

Be friends with him once he has been sober and working a program for at least a year.

If he is focused on you now, while he is trying to heal himself, then he is not focused on healing himself.

He wants you to provide him a soft place to land. When two people have to continue to discuss what the acutal relationship is, then someone is not listening.

Maybe there is a part of you that is thinking, if he gets sober , things could be great, the reality is , if he commits himself to long term recovery, then maybe there is a chance we could be friends. I don't see where he is even close to that.

BlueSkies1

I had a very red flag moment reading this.
I would never let someone abuse my friendship with my best friend. I understand you didn't see it coming. Once is forgiven, twice repeated may not be!
Best friends are incredibly understanding, and we know it.
We also move the lines of acceptable behavior with best friends, because as best friends, we assume them to always be understanding.
But HELL NO would I ever let a drunk I've known for a couple months cause my best friend to reconsider if she wants to continue being my best friend.
We can never take best friends for granted, they are priceless.

marie1960

The only thing this guy will bring to your life is drama, chaos, and turmoil. Friendship is a two way street. Friends add joy and comfort to each others lives. With just a few months invested, you are not obligated to hold his hand. If it were me, I would be honest and tell him the truth. Actually, I would tell him to go away, do not call, good luck and goodbye.

The little incident at your friends house is just the tip of the iceberg. He has shown you who he really is.

If you are serious about being a "friend" take a step back and allow him to work his program. At this point he is just going to suck you in to his uncontrollable world.

Listen to your gut instinct it's telling you something.

FireSprite

& he did it with cooking sherry of all things? Sounds (to me) like he may be further progressed in his addiction that you might have realized.

If you've only been dating for 2-3 months & this is his BEST behavior, is that what you want in a partner?

lillamy

Seriously.

3 weeks in rehab is nothing. And a rehab facility that allows him to call you every day isn't a good rehab facility either.

And you're thinking "but they don't understand, he's different. We love each other. We're soul mates."

Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. So I say it again.