owathu

So, I went to our house last night after telling him I wanted to pick up my dog (we have two, and I really didn't want to separate them but he won't let me take his, don't know why as he doesn't care about him very much) and all of my legal paperwork, some heirlooms, etc.. He gives me a time that will work, and intimates that he has a meeting between 5-7... Can you believe that I am actually happy that he is seemingly actually going to AA? Nope, big letdown coming.

I arrive, and her freaking car is in my spot in the garage. His car is there too, so my first thought is, Really? You're gonna make me move my stuff with this woman there?

They weren't inside thankfully. I am pretty sure they were in the bar across the street watching me. He hasn't gone in for treatment, he isn't attending AA like he told me Monday. The garbage was full of beer bottles and there were two cases waiting for when I left. As much as he loves to tell me that his drinking is my fault, it's quite obvious it isn't. He's found a new drinking buddy. I held it together while I was moving some of my things out, not wanting him to get the satisfaction of seeing me upset.

I felt like a ghost in the house that we live together, like I was not supposed to be there, like I didn't belong.

I feel like he is trying to make me have a mental breakdown, and I come very close everytime he twists the knife a little deeper. I don't know who this person is. I told my sister last night that I might as well pretend that the man I married is dead, because this monster is not the man I married.

I am feeling stronger and I now know that I am making the right decision. It hurts so so bad to live this and to see him only getting worse. I hope he doesn't kill someone on his way down. But, this is his journey and he is so obviously not ready to quit drinking, to become the man even he knows he can be.

Thanks so much everyone for all of the wonderful supportive words. Without this board, my sister and my friends, I don't know how I would make it through. But everyday, with reading, talking and my own strength of will to live a happy life, I am getting stronger, and more detached.

CentralOhioDad

God Bless you in your new journey. This forum is a great place for support.

Learn2Live

Thank you for saying this. This is exactly how I felt about AXBF. He turned into someone I simply do not know. And several people who knew him, including his family, told me THIS is who he is, that I never knew the REAL him. Whether or not he was faking his persona all these years, I don't know. The other day I discovered a list that describes characteristics of Dysfunctional people (and posted it here on SR) and lo and behold! I recognized AXBF in the list. It truly has helped me to see and accept what others have been telling me about him. I only saw small glimpses of the dysfunction in him, whether or not that's because he purposely tried to hide that from me or not, IDK. Nevertheless, the list has gone a long way in healing my heart from the excrutiating pain I have been in. I am better able to let go of the beautiful love I thought we had. Why don't you take a look at the list?

tjp613

((((owathu)))) That is a painful enough process to go through without having to see "her" car in the garage!! That's not only insensitive, but downright abusive in my opinion. And yes, I think it is a form of 'revenge'...punishing you for having the nerve to point out that he has an addiction that you can no longer live with. By all means, yes, my AS has turned into someone I don't like being around much anymore and I am learning to let go of the fantasy son I have in my head. It's difficult to come to terms with it all and it's an extremely painful process. BUT...in the long run its not nearly as painful as staying enmeshed with them.

So, so glad you got your puppy. They make all the difference in the world. (((Hugs)))

owathu

I did look at it and he fits it to a T. He is not healthy emotionally, he's not normal emotionally. I really am so so very sad that this disease is taking him down. It's breaking my heart. If I would stay, I feel like I could monitor it, but you know what? That's not a life for anyone. I am not a Saint or a Martyr. I am a human being who deserves to have my dreams and wishes fufilled. As much as I talk big about what a jerk he is turning out to be, I truly feel like my other half was torn away from me and I that I am walking around not whole. We used to be so close. We had so much fun together. And now it's gone. Now that man is gone, and there is this thing replacing him.

I just want the overwhelming pain to stop.

BlueSkies1

It's his disease talking...don't let it destroy you--your heart needs to be intact to love all the other people in your life, including yourself.
The beautiful sober world is out there waiting for you--and wants to remind you of all the wonder that is out there to see!

The disease has chosen this other woman because she enables, she lets him drink, she doesn't get in the way.
It is not personal to you--it is about that alcohol comes FIRST.

I know it hurts, but remember that it is not about his feelings for you--he has to be with her in order to avoid the pain of losing YOU...as long as he can find another "she" out there, he won't have to look in the mirror at the sad face for what he has lost.

Learn2Live

Oh, owathu, I so know exactly how you feel. My beautiful, loving, sweet, kind BF turned into someone else. We also used to be very close and he was my best friend. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. There is nothing we can do to turn them back into the person we love. Yes, it is sad but we cannot allow ourselves to stay sad forever. Sooner or later we have to accept reality, and reality is what we have in the here and now, the Present Moment.

The overwhelming pain WILL stop. The sooner you start working on YOU and YOUR life and YOUR health, the sooner it will stop. (((hugs))) I am so sorry.

owathu

It's logically, I know that you know? I keep repeating that. My heart hasn't caught up to my head yet.

The man I knew for so so long isn't this, this thing. He was just never ever this bad. I saw last week that he really wants to quit. I saw the him that was there, in the middle of this sickness, the him wants to get out.

Instead, this thing is here now. If he could just get healthy, even if it means we aren't together, just get healthy and quit killing himself.

Limiya

owathu, I just want to say that you are doing a really great job.
This whole situation is of course going to be painful. And i think you're doing well by working through your pain and recognizing it for what it is.
Things will be hard at first, but i feel you know you're making the right decision.
He will do what he wants regardless, and you don't have to stay and watch the car wreck in progress.
You are choosing to look after yourself and you can't go wrong if you put your own sanity first.

(HUGS)
Limiya

lillamy

How much contact do you absolutely have to have with him?
I think given that you feel this way, limiting contact to the absolute minimum would be helpful for you. And I recognize the feeling of "this monster is not the man I married." You're right. His addiction ate that person.