Beginning to see life as something to be lived and enjoyed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Beginning to see life as something to be lived and enjoyed.
Well, I'm not sure how it happened, but my whole take on life is changing thanks to SR.
As a child, I was the eldest of 4 children. I was the quiet one, the sensible one, the clever one. I was the first in my family to go on to further education after school and ended up a teacher. My dad was a physically and mentally abusive man. I didn't realise at the time that he was an alcoholic. He just scared me and his sudden mood swings meant I could never relax totally, I was permanently in a sort of amber alert phase, ready to jump into protecting my younger siblings if he flipped. My mum spent her life appeasing him, telling us not to provoke him and thereby passing on the message that it was somehow our fault. Or more specifically, if one of the younger ones annoyed him, it was my fault for not ensuring they didnt step out of line. I learned to keep quiet, keep away from trouble, don't rock the boat. At the same time I was being sexually abused by one of their drinking buddies. Violent, sadistic, and totally destroying. All I could think of was why he had to hurt me so badly. I wouldn't have fought back or told an adult. I had already been trained to keep silent. No-one would care or listen to me anyway. At that point, I distanced myself emotionally from the world. I was numb.
I grew up socially awkward, shy, lacking in confidence. I couldn't feel anything and didn't want to.
Then I discovered drink. It helped. I didn't need to think any more, I could be socially confident, the life and soul of the party so to speak.
Until it stopped working of course. I relied on it more and more. I became depressed and anxious. Suicidal. Something was missing. I wasn't feeling the love I should have for my lovely husband and kids. Drinking took me over, it took control. I became physically ill.
Then I found SR, and AA.
I'm stepping out from under that black cloud. I am starting to really feel love for my family. I am learning that I wasn't to blame for all the sh1t that I had as a kid. It doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't going to hold me back from who I can be.
I am just starting to discover a whole new life, one that has been waiting for me until the time was right.
I know there is pain ahead, but I know I need to allow myself to feel emotion again in order to live the life I deserve. This is the real deal.
Thankyou to everyone here. You have brought me to this place, and I'm so grateful.
Thanks for listening xxx
As a child, I was the eldest of 4 children. I was the quiet one, the sensible one, the clever one. I was the first in my family to go on to further education after school and ended up a teacher. My dad was a physically and mentally abusive man. I didn't realise at the time that he was an alcoholic. He just scared me and his sudden mood swings meant I could never relax totally, I was permanently in a sort of amber alert phase, ready to jump into protecting my younger siblings if he flipped. My mum spent her life appeasing him, telling us not to provoke him and thereby passing on the message that it was somehow our fault. Or more specifically, if one of the younger ones annoyed him, it was my fault for not ensuring they didnt step out of line. I learned to keep quiet, keep away from trouble, don't rock the boat. At the same time I was being sexually abused by one of their drinking buddies. Violent, sadistic, and totally destroying. All I could think of was why he had to hurt me so badly. I wouldn't have fought back or told an adult. I had already been trained to keep silent. No-one would care or listen to me anyway. At that point, I distanced myself emotionally from the world. I was numb.
I grew up socially awkward, shy, lacking in confidence. I couldn't feel anything and didn't want to.
Then I discovered drink. It helped. I didn't need to think any more, I could be socially confident, the life and soul of the party so to speak.
Until it stopped working of course. I relied on it more and more. I became depressed and anxious. Suicidal. Something was missing. I wasn't feeling the love I should have for my lovely husband and kids. Drinking took me over, it took control. I became physically ill.
Then I found SR, and AA.
I'm stepping out from under that black cloud. I am starting to really feel love for my family. I am learning that I wasn't to blame for all the sh1t that I had as a kid. It doesn't define who I am and it sure as hell isn't going to hold me back from who I can be.
I am just starting to discover a whole new life, one that has been waiting for me until the time was right.
I know there is pain ahead, but I know I need to allow myself to feel emotion again in order to live the life I deserve. This is the real deal.
Thankyou to everyone here. You have brought me to this place, and I'm so grateful.
Thanks for listening xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,422
Originally Posted by Jeni26 
Thanks for listening xxx
You've been so strong for such a long time, I'm glad you're finally discovering joy as well as strength - god knows you deserve it.
What a sweet, inspiring message, thank you, thank you.
(This probably isn't the time to mention I just got back from my run...I'll bring it up later
)Love you xxx
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Fantastic and good for you Jeni 
Its so nice to see things work for people, keep working toward those things you want. And stay on the beam.
Good love, Inda
Its so nice to see things work for people, keep working toward those things you want. And stay on the beam.
Good love, Inda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Jeni, I always like your posts, anything you talk about I always find interesting and genuine.
It's amazing how sobriety allows us to start dealing with everything isn't it? I drunk initially to deal with a traumatic incident but unfortunately towards the end I'd have drunk because it was the third Sunday in June or whatever.
Despite the pain you went through when younger you have fought so hard to get to this place. You deserve happiness, and sounds like you are on that path. You've just made me stop having a pity party this morning, which takes some doing.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts on here, look after yourself in amongst all the discovery. Your posts really touch me x
It's amazing how sobriety allows us to start dealing with everything isn't it? I drunk initially to deal with a traumatic incident but unfortunately towards the end I'd have drunk because it was the third Sunday in June or whatever.
Despite the pain you went through when younger you have fought so hard to get to this place. You deserve happiness, and sounds like you are on that path. You've just made me stop having a pity party this morning, which takes some doing.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts on here, look after yourself in amongst all the discovery. Your posts really touch me x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Your story is an inspiring one and in sharing
it, it will not only help so many, but will also
strengthen you and allow you to find and live
that happiness and freedom spoke so frequently
in recovery.
Like your physical and verbal abuse at the hand
of your sick father, my abuse came from my sick
mother. One of 4 kids myself, second oldest, I never
understood why I was the chosen one to endure
such pain. However, today in recovery, I have learned
that there was a purpose to my life later on down
the road. To be a voice, an advocate to share my
own experiences and strengths to others who are
suffering from the same abuse and addiction as us
and give them hope that we can rise above it and
become strong, humble and blessed.
it, it will not only help so many, but will also
strengthen you and allow you to find and live
that happiness and freedom spoke so frequently
in recovery.
Like your physical and verbal abuse at the hand
of your sick father, my abuse came from my sick
mother. One of 4 kids myself, second oldest, I never
understood why I was the chosen one to endure
such pain. However, today in recovery, I have learned
that there was a purpose to my life later on down
the road. To be a voice, an advocate to share my
own experiences and strengths to others who are
suffering from the same abuse and addiction as us
and give them hope that we can rise above it and
become strong, humble and blessed.
'
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: clearwater, fl
Posts: 51
It's amazing how sobriety allows us to start dealing with everything isn't it? I drunk initially to deal with a traumatic incident but unfortunately towards the end I'd have drunk because it was the third Sunday in June or whatever.
this made me chuckle, our excuses to drink (I'd have drunk because it was the third Sunday in June or whatever). How true!
this made me chuckle, our excuses to drink (I'd have drunk because it was the third Sunday in June or whatever). How true!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
Jeni, I love how you write. You have such a strong sense of self and a very clear picture of where you came from. That's awesome. Even more awesome that you are starting to really enjoy life again. I can relate to you in many ways and look forward to having what you have. Thank you for sharing. xoxo
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