I had a lightbulb go off!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
I had a lightbulb go off!
I posted a good week ago about my rah having a "friend" from HS, yes a girl, staying with him. We are separated. Well the week leading up to her visit was pure hell. He kept making me promises about how he loves me and only wants to be with me, but needed some space... of course he fed me a ton of lies about this girls visit.
It got me to a point where i realized what a bad influence i am on my son. He is 3. So i started to go to al anon right away and am reading, reading, reading, working, working, working. It feels good.
He has taken this girl to do EVERYTHING there is to do in the area. He must have spent $500 on it. Can't remember when we did something together... So the revelation i had today came while talking to a friend. Kids learn love from parents. That is how it is supposed to be anyway. Now he has treated me with such extreme disrespect that i am almost glad this girl came to stay with him. This is not o.k. It is unacceptable and me and my son deserve better. The things he did before where always excusable with drinking, or stress, or it was to a certain degree both of our faults. But with this girl and him being sober... This is all him. He is just plain and simply being an ass.
I do not have a sponsor yet, but i started a journal and also started a bit of my own version of a 4th step.
It feels so good to do this. I can feel that al anon, all of you and my hard work will get me out of this long dark tunnel soon.
Thank you for listening in my excitement i guess over having had a moment of realization that was huge for me. I am going to show my son how you love "properly". now i just need to figure out how you do this as a single mom ;-)
It got me to a point where i realized what a bad influence i am on my son. He is 3. So i started to go to al anon right away and am reading, reading, reading, working, working, working. It feels good.
He has taken this girl to do EVERYTHING there is to do in the area. He must have spent $500 on it. Can't remember when we did something together... So the revelation i had today came while talking to a friend. Kids learn love from parents. That is how it is supposed to be anyway. Now he has treated me with such extreme disrespect that i am almost glad this girl came to stay with him. This is not o.k. It is unacceptable and me and my son deserve better. The things he did before where always excusable with drinking, or stress, or it was to a certain degree both of our faults. But with this girl and him being sober... This is all him. He is just plain and simply being an ass.
I do not have a sponsor yet, but i started a journal and also started a bit of my own version of a 4th step.
It feels so good to do this. I can feel that al anon, all of you and my hard work will get me out of this long dark tunnel soon.
Thank you for listening in my excitement i guess over having had a moment of realization that was huge for me. I am going to show my son how you love "properly". now i just need to figure out how you do this as a single mom ;-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
i would like to add a p.s. to this. Any suggestions to how i should handle visitation. I do have sole custody, but since march he has been coming here every saturday. I have not heard from him (i usually do to make plans)...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It feels so good to do this. I can feel that al anon, all of you and my hard work will get me out of this long dark tunnel soon.
Thank you for listening in my excitement i guess over having had a moment of realization that was huge for me. I am going to show my son how you love "properly". now i just need to figure out how you do this as a single mom ;-)
Thank you for listening in my excitement i guess over having had a moment of realization that was huge for me. I am going to show my son how you love "properly". now i just need to figure out how you do this as a single mom ;-)
As far as visitation goes, my experience with my ex was, at first he made it on time and became defensive if I said something about being late coming back.
Then, he started to slack off, calling off the visitation while the kids were waiting for him. I learned to stop saying he was going to be there, and make a plan b for them.
He found a girlfriend, (she was very nice and loved the kids) but she finally caught on that she was being used as a babysitter for his visitation.
After that, when he did show up, the kids went straight to his mother's house and out of the weekend he might spend a couple of hours with them.
I guess the less expectations you have of him being a parent, the happier you and your children will be. Your son knows mommy is always there, and that is what he needs, one sober stable parent. You can do this. Keep working on yourself and taking care of your son, the universe has a way of making it work.
:ghug3
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Then, he started to slack off, calling off the visitation while the kids were waiting for him. I learned to stop saying he was going to be there, and make a plan b for them.
He found a girlfriend, (she was very nice and loved the kids) but she finally caught on that she was being used as a babysitter for his visitation.
After that, when he did show up, the kids went straight to his mother's house and out of the weekend he might spend a couple of hours with them.
He found a girlfriend, (she was very nice and loved the kids) but she finally caught on that she was being used as a babysitter for his visitation.
After that, when he did show up, the kids went straight to his mother's house and out of the weekend he might spend a couple of hours with them.
HAHA. i used to be that girlfriend/wife/babysitter to the kids from his first marriage. I KNOW that is how it is going to be. His oldest son has told him in november 2011, that he wanted nothing to do with him anymore and he has not made ANY efforts to restore the relationship!
Thank you for your suggestion. It is really hard for me to keep in mind why i do it. I do not want to do it to get back at him. I want what is best for my son.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I'm separated from AH and he did something similar. Be proud of yourself! You have to build yourself up to know he is unhealthy. No married man should be behaving like that. Whatever he is doing with that woman is phony and not reality. You and your son deserve someone who wants to go to bed with you every night, make sure his child is tucked away safely and treats himself and you well. Sadly, I'm writing this to you, but I need to take my own advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
sweeteewalls. You can not rush it. You will all of a sudden have that feeling too. It has been so great to have this ah-ha moment. I hope i can stay strong and follow through with it even when i see him again or talk to him again. Right now he of course has no time with this girl visiting. But i am sure once she is gone he will find the time again. And with that turn my life upside down again.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by debo5 
This is not o.k. It is unacceptable and me and my son deserve better.
AWARENESS
ACCEPTANCE
ACTION
so glad you noticed that you AND your son are worthy people of better things in life...
~~Unexpectable behaviour IS unexpectable~~
it hard to set boundaries...but in the end...you and your son will not be DOORMATS
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I am so proud of you that I could just spit!!! (I was born in West Virginia).
Stay on your path of recovery---he might annoy you in the future because you have a child together, but he won't be able to turn you "upside down" again!!
dandylion
Stay on your path of recovery---he might annoy you in the future because you have a child together, but he won't be able to turn you "upside down" again!!
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
well to the ones who read my previous thread... He dropped her off at the airport and updated his fb status to "Just one more year and then you'll be happy". It's making my stomach turn a bit and i am angry. And of course there is the part that he wants someone else and not me. I think that is the next thing i need to work on I do NOT want HIM. Not the other way around. I should be thankful that he is moving on. SHOULD BE .... ;-)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Go read my thread, "Please Contribute: Living With An Alcoholic," to review all the things you will not be missing by not getting back together with him. And post your own list of reasons you are GLAD to be away from him!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
i am SO PROUD to say, that he dropped the girl off at the airport today and a few hours later i got an email from him. I DID NOT respond. And will not respond either.
Part of what i realized is that he was totally fine taking the week off to be with this girl, but he is working saturday instead. And with that he will not see our son. Of course he asked me in his email if he could "squeeze" in a visit after work. Aka, get a free dinner. So i am going to stay strong for as long as possibly and not answer him.
in my head: "god, give me the serenity, i deserve better, god, give me the serenity, i deserve better..."
Part of what i realized is that he was totally fine taking the week off to be with this girl, but he is working saturday instead. And with that he will not see our son. Of course he asked me in his email if he could "squeeze" in a visit after work. Aka, get a free dinner. So i am going to stay strong for as long as possibly and not answer him.
in my head: "god, give me the serenity, i deserve better, god, give me the serenity, i deserve better..."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
