Sleepy832

Hello all! I am new to this board and new to this situation. Currently I have been with my fiancé for 7 1/2 years with a wedding planned. Let me preface this story with his past. He has been sober for 14 years. His story began in high school and continued into his thirties. When I met him he was 7 years into his sober living. Over the years I have been educated by his mother a very active al-anon member and him. Both have prepared me and imparted any wisdom I may need if ever in this situation.

A week ago today I found some small plastic baggies in the area that has his clothes. After calling him on the phone I told him I wanted him to tell me the truth before asking him what they were. At first, he just said "they are what you think they are." Panic set in and I went through a spiral of emotions that almost sent me into an extreme panic attack. After putting the pieces together he called me and I asked him if my suspicions were correct (as I thought it was cocaine/crack-his previous drug of choice).

It was an hour or so later that he came home and told me he was on opiates. Later I find out its heroin. So at this moment I had the choice to leave or stay. Like any addict he said I could leave if I wanted or if I stayed and supported his recovery then he swore he would kick it.

After much calm discussion and lots of questioning I found out that the use started approximately a year ago and was infrequent. In the last few months he became addicted. After some thought I decided to talk through our options. I know this may have been the drugs but he genuinely looked and acted like he wanted off.

So after much research and discussion we decided to try to taper him off. A decision I know many NA-Anons will not agree with or support. Fast forward to today. He is currently tapered to 1/2 of his previous dose. He has to use approximately three times in 48 hours in order to not fully withdraw. We have charted the times, withdrawal symptoms and doses. He has taken Dramamine for sleeping and had Benadryl and immodium on hand as necessary.

Yesterday his eyes looked jaundice which totally set me off because I'm sure his liver functioning is significantly impacted.

Throughout the week I have stayed cautiously supportive monitoring his withdrawal and dosages. He has been 100% cooperative with the exception of him saying he took Dramamine to sleep on the first day and in fact he didn't. He instead set it aside (what a dumb thing to lie about).

What a hard situation to be in! To love someone who only loves a drug abd to watch your hard earned 7 1/2 years be tarnished by addiction. The plan is to have him weened within a week. I have purchased drug tests (at his request) and he asked that I begin randomly drug testing him. He told me of he refuses to take one then he is using again. He also "says" once he's weened he is going to begin going to meetings again and would like me to go to al or NA-anon.

I have really towed the line because I want him to take charge of his own recovery. His mother always told me that you can't force someone into recovery. They have to want it. He has thanked me for my support and said GE loves me but overall he is visibly a hollow shell of what I'm used to. I know this to shall pass and make me a stronger person.

Hoping for support from the members here. Please refrain from criticizing me for helping him to taper. I have read all the reasons not to taper and all the failed attempts. I am here for support to do the best I can with the path I have chosen for myself. I am fully aware that the lesson I learn from this situation may not be the positive one I would like. I have accepted the possibility. Supporting anyone in recovery has lots of risk factors.

Thanks everyone! Just telling my story makes me feel much better!

Sleepy832

Thanks!!! It has been hard because he will often say "I will do whatever you think is best. I just want to be clean.". These words are great to hear but lead me to believe GE wants me to lead his recovery. Not him! He needs to own this. If I lead this process how is he going to stay clean when I step back?

The time is just unbearable! I wish I could climb in a time machine and travel forward to see how it pans out!

octoberrain

Welcome sleepy. I am new here too. Just wanted to say hi and good luck

LoveMeNow

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you have or plan on getting tested for HIV, Hep C. etc. Addicts lie, you can trust that...so take every precaution possible...for yourself.

I helped taper my husband off from pills too - all while he had his own hidden stash or 2,3,4,5 of them. I share that because I never considered that he had more. I believed he sincerely wanted off of them. The reality was, he was far from done and drugs were far too important to him, to give me the control of.

I hope your results turn out differently then mine did. I hope you find the support you are looking for...Naranon/Alanon is a great start!! Keep posting and reading, it will help but I am not sure you will awalys hear what you want. The truth can be very painful!

Sleepy832

This is one of my fears. I know that he has to work and could obviously lie to me and go buy more drugs. I have seen some difference when the drug is talking and when my AF is talking. Typically 30 minutes after a dose my AF is back and talking rationally but after 18 1/2 hours it is the heroin talking.

AF does not inject. No signs of injecting have ever been found. His preferred method is snorting it. But I will get tested just in case. I would rather be safe than sorry. Unfortunately it's hard to be convinced that he is done with the drug since he was able to afford his habit without stealing, he was a functional user and the only thing that had him ready to be done was the 14 years of clean living and all the lessons he has had learned paired with the miserable nature of withdrawal.

SadHeart

Leaving or staying has nothing to do with 'supporting' his recovery. You can support his recovery just as well by leaving as staying. You are being set up here.

So his recovery is dependent upon your supporting? He doesn't want to quit because it's fundamentally wrong and unhealthy for him and because he wants it more than anything. He wants to quit as a quid pro quo IF you do something: stay and support. His interest in recovery thus depends upon you--not himself. If you don't stay and support, then he's not interested in kicking it.

This is almost always a set up for failure and a huge red flag that the recovery won't really be effective. Because you can't cure it. Only he can, and he's passed on the responsibility to you.

It's so tempting to think as a loved one and codie that they are doing it not to lose us, because they value what they have with us more than what they have with the drug. But more likely what happens is they see keeping you around as being valuable to continued drug usage. Perhaps a short term cessation to procure a long term support supply. Remember addicted drug users (which he is since he isn't yet sober), always protect the drug usage over any human relationship. Always.

It's worth considering if he is going through this charade to keep you until the wedding, and he has bound you that much more to him (and to his addiction). He wouldn't be the first addict to see advantages in marriage. Spouses try harder to enable and having a harder time walking away than girlfriends. Just something to consider.

Also, has he told his mother about his relapse? If not, bad, bad sign. You are only as sick as the secrets you keep, and his lack of candor is another indication that he's not really committed to recovery. Recovery is about transparency.

If he has told her, what was her take on his quid pro quo response that IF you support him THEN he'll kick it?

Why wait until he's weened? What's wrong with going to meetings now? This conditionality of his recovery effort seems to indicate a pretty clear lack of commitment.

Be wary.

Sleepy832

Thanks for the response! You are right many of these are warning signs. Many were said the first day. I have backed up to allow him to take charge of his own recovery. Also I guess I thought you weren't supposed to go to NA or AA if you were actively using. Since he is tapering I assumed he shouldn't go. Is this wrong? I have never gone before.

Kindeyes

The "admission ticket" to NA is the desire to quit. He knows this if he's been in active recovery for a long time.

Believe the actions....the actions don't lie. Words are tricky.

Consider working the program you wish he would. You'll benefit whether he continues to use or not.

Welcome to SR........this is a great resource. You and your fiancé will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

oneday66

I didn't find out about the drugs until 2 weeks after the wedding. he's working a program now but still says he doesn't regret the deception as i would have never married him. a wedding, marriage doesn't solve anything...u have bigger fish to fry.. i wish i knew..

Sleepy832

Very good to know! Thanks!

JMFburns

I strongly urge you to attend NarAnon or AlAnon - for YOU. Like Kindeyes said "work the program you wish he would".

Sleepy832

Well it has been 6 days and I'm growing stronger with every day (although I still fall into codependency). I have relinquished all control of his tapering and determined that if he wants to do this he will. He has continued to do well (from what he has shared). I am struggling with not wanting to search his clothes, check his money and worry about what he is doing. I joined the naranon forum and have been working on me. He still seeks my guidance and ask frequently "what do you think?" I try to answer with "this is your journey. What do you think?". I have no idea if this is the right answer but I chose this as my answer. He still has not gone back to meetings but I decided that me making him go won't help. He has to choose to work his recovery that way. I've struggled and tried to detach but boy is that a very hard thing to do. My relationship before the drugs was very codependent so it's hard to not be codependent now.

So how have you all handled when you're asked for guidance (not money, food, etc etc)? Just a listening ear or a sounding board?

nerdygirl

Hi Sleepy and welcome! My husband is a recovering opiate user - Percocet and a recovering alcoholic. I didn't even know I was codependent until I read Codependent No More. That book really opened my eyes to the truth about myself. I fight codependency every day and like you, I was a codie before I knew about the pills. This site helped me tremendously as well. I don't post much but I read A LOT. There's a lot of good stuff here. I'm not a "group" kinda girl, so this forum is what brought me through the bad days. We all choose our own paths. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones in that my husband kicked his 90mg a day Perc habit and also quit drinking. I didn't kill him so that's something to be thankful for. Your confidence in your own decisions will return a little bit every day. I was second guessing every decision I made for a very long time. Be patient and it will all work out the way its supposed to. Good luck and keep posting! ((HUGS))

interrupted

I try to always respond with honesty, it's less confusing that way. I would think the guidance he is seeking would be better sought from his group, his sponsor, or a counselor/psych. I am not even remotely qualified to help someone get clean.

My boundary is not to support drug use in any way, so I have nothing to offer my sister when she isn't in active recovery.