Trying Day...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Trying Day...
Every time I try to write a post about my turmoil, it turns into a big wordy bunch of blather. Gotta get it off my chest now.
My 70 days dry ABF (12+ pack/day) pulled a really creepy stunt on me Monday night. He left my home angry on Monday morning because I'd said I felt smothered by him and his son and wanted some time and space to do things for me, like go to church on Sundays and use my coupons for dance classes that I paid for months ago. He immediately shot back, "So you want me to move back to my trailer?" (at his parents' place). Hindsight is 20/20. I should have said yes and had him pack up then and there. He'd been staying at my home almost constantly since his son got out of school and left for half a summer visitation with his mother. The boy had been back a couple of weeks and I was staggering under the load of two "Baby Kings" at once.
I dropped them off (he has no DL since 2nd DUI two years ago) and came back home to scout out an Al-Anon meeting. Finished my chores around the homestead early and excitedly headed off to my 5:30 meeting. Sent a text to ABF telling him where I was going and when I expected to be home. Around 7pm or so, I get a text, "So you're telling me to stay here?"
HATE that kinda loaded language, but patiently responded with a list of his options (stay at his trailer, get a ride, or wait for me to get back and pick him up) and asked him what his choice was. He never answered. I listed his options and asked him his choice again about thirty minutes later. His response was, "I do what I need 2." Thanks. Very informative. At that point, I blew a gasket and told him if he did what he needed to ever, he wouldn't be running games, guilt trips or manipulations on me now. He never told me his choice, so I went home, put my groceries away and settled in for bed. Then he sent a text to say he was glad to know I was having a good time and to have fun. Huh?
Turns out he had made use of the hidden house key outside and been in the guest room across the hall from my bedroom all night. Creepy! He burst out the next morning at 7am looking very threatening. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was there. He retorted that "you do what you want, so I'll do what I want." He went to the kitchen to fix coffee and made me feel as if he was looking for any excuse to knock me across it. Only once before have I ever felt physically threatened by him, but we were out in public that time. There was no one around my house to make him think twice about it. I went outside and called his sister to tell his parents to come get him and left until I was sure he was gone.
He sent a couple of texts and voice mails threatening to call the law or saying he'd called the law on me. About what, I have no idea. I'm not the one who smokes pot constantly and he doesn't officially live here even though he's been staying here a lot. I ignored those messages. Then he asked why we were arguing since he realized we both needed our own time. Really?! Maybe he should have had that rational thought before he crept into my house like a crazed stalker! I shouldn't have answered, but his response was revealing. He cannot sneak into the house in which he lives (even tho he has his own place and doesn't pay a single dime to stay here) and has no need to stalk me. It was plain I didn't want to be near him. Yup, that's why I persisted in asking what he wanted to do on Monday night (bangs head against wall but doesn't respond to him)
Last night, I went to another Al-Anon meeting. It's so nice to be around people, any people but him and his son. They don't complain constantly and blame all of their problems on anyone/thing besides themselves. They might have multitudes of problems, but they don't drone on about them endlessly. They laugh, even about things that might make them want to cry!
I unintentionally left my phone in the car when I came home. Didn't think to go look for it until about 10am this morning. It had been a busy day for my phone already, starting at 8am. Priceless text message: "Will u talk 2 me please. I can't make ur wishes come true without talking." Uhhh... I'm sure many of you can figure out how I felt about that drivel. There was a voice mail saying he needed some things, but I'd already gone about packing his little bit of stuff in the house to take over to his sister for delivery to him. I guess the "wishes come true" text must have come first, 'cause he got more frantic as the morning went along. Eventually he was threatening to call the law to escort him or simply drop in to get his stuff. I still don't get the law thing. He left pot under the mattress in the guest bedroom and that seemed to be what he was most desperate to have.
He is reminding me of the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, pressing every possible button in succession to get his desired response. I took his things to drop off at his sister's and told her that he is not wanted or welcome at my house. If he wants his pack rat stuff that he keeps outside, he needs to make an arrangement to have his father help him come get it and give me advance notice of when that was to happen. I returned home and got a text saying "Thank u. I may have something wrong with my mind, but I still wish u the best in life."
At least until tomorrow when he once again gets frustrated that his button pushing isn't working...
It has not been an easy decision for me to be done with him, though his behavior Monday night/Tuesday morning certainly expedited my doing what I've known needed to be done for a long time. Some of my new Al-Anon acquaintances have very helpfully asked if I've tried to get him to go to A.A. He'd probably very happily let me load him up and whisk him off to A.A. He's monopolizing my time and energy when I "help" him!
One of my Al-Anon leaders gave me some insight into his behavior last night. He's given up the beer and I've let myself become the first convenient object of his obsession beyond the beer. If he wants to go to A.A., he'll just have to dig up the listing of meetings and phone numbers that I gave him last May and find his own way. I don't feel safe around him. It never takes more than a hot second for him to flip-flop from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Spiteful. I'm sick of being made over into the image of every other ex-wife he ever found reason to hate. I'm me and he doesn't even know who I am. He doesn't even know who he is, other than a constant shape shifter.
Yet as strong as I feel now, I constantly worry about getting reeled in again, just like so many times in the past. I know, one day at a time...
My 70 days dry ABF (12+ pack/day) pulled a really creepy stunt on me Monday night. He left my home angry on Monday morning because I'd said I felt smothered by him and his son and wanted some time and space to do things for me, like go to church on Sundays and use my coupons for dance classes that I paid for months ago. He immediately shot back, "So you want me to move back to my trailer?" (at his parents' place). Hindsight is 20/20. I should have said yes and had him pack up then and there. He'd been staying at my home almost constantly since his son got out of school and left for half a summer visitation with his mother. The boy had been back a couple of weeks and I was staggering under the load of two "Baby Kings" at once.
I dropped them off (he has no DL since 2nd DUI two years ago) and came back home to scout out an Al-Anon meeting. Finished my chores around the homestead early and excitedly headed off to my 5:30 meeting. Sent a text to ABF telling him where I was going and when I expected to be home. Around 7pm or so, I get a text, "So you're telling me to stay here?"
HATE that kinda loaded language, but patiently responded with a list of his options (stay at his trailer, get a ride, or wait for me to get back and pick him up) and asked him what his choice was. He never answered. I listed his options and asked him his choice again about thirty minutes later. His response was, "I do what I need 2." Thanks. Very informative. At that point, I blew a gasket and told him if he did what he needed to ever, he wouldn't be running games, guilt trips or manipulations on me now. He never told me his choice, so I went home, put my groceries away and settled in for bed. Then he sent a text to say he was glad to know I was having a good time and to have fun. Huh?
Turns out he had made use of the hidden house key outside and been in the guest room across the hall from my bedroom all night. Creepy! He burst out the next morning at 7am looking very threatening. I asked him why he hadn't told me he was there. He retorted that "you do what you want, so I'll do what I want." He went to the kitchen to fix coffee and made me feel as if he was looking for any excuse to knock me across it. Only once before have I ever felt physically threatened by him, but we were out in public that time. There was no one around my house to make him think twice about it. I went outside and called his sister to tell his parents to come get him and left until I was sure he was gone.
He sent a couple of texts and voice mails threatening to call the law or saying he'd called the law on me. About what, I have no idea. I'm not the one who smokes pot constantly and he doesn't officially live here even though he's been staying here a lot. I ignored those messages. Then he asked why we were arguing since he realized we both needed our own time. Really?! Maybe he should have had that rational thought before he crept into my house like a crazed stalker! I shouldn't have answered, but his response was revealing. He cannot sneak into the house in which he lives (even tho he has his own place and doesn't pay a single dime to stay here) and has no need to stalk me. It was plain I didn't want to be near him. Yup, that's why I persisted in asking what he wanted to do on Monday night (bangs head against wall but doesn't respond to him)
Last night, I went to another Al-Anon meeting. It's so nice to be around people, any people but him and his son. They don't complain constantly and blame all of their problems on anyone/thing besides themselves. They might have multitudes of problems, but they don't drone on about them endlessly. They laugh, even about things that might make them want to cry!
I unintentionally left my phone in the car when I came home. Didn't think to go look for it until about 10am this morning. It had been a busy day for my phone already, starting at 8am. Priceless text message: "Will u talk 2 me please. I can't make ur wishes come true without talking." Uhhh... I'm sure many of you can figure out how I felt about that drivel. There was a voice mail saying he needed some things, but I'd already gone about packing his little bit of stuff in the house to take over to his sister for delivery to him. I guess the "wishes come true" text must have come first, 'cause he got more frantic as the morning went along. Eventually he was threatening to call the law to escort him or simply drop in to get his stuff. I still don't get the law thing. He left pot under the mattress in the guest bedroom and that seemed to be what he was most desperate to have.
He is reminding me of the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, pressing every possible button in succession to get his desired response. I took his things to drop off at his sister's and told her that he is not wanted or welcome at my house. If he wants his pack rat stuff that he keeps outside, he needs to make an arrangement to have his father help him come get it and give me advance notice of when that was to happen. I returned home and got a text saying "Thank u. I may have something wrong with my mind, but I still wish u the best in life."
At least until tomorrow when he once again gets frustrated that his button pushing isn't working...
It has not been an easy decision for me to be done with him, though his behavior Monday night/Tuesday morning certainly expedited my doing what I've known needed to be done for a long time. Some of my new Al-Anon acquaintances have very helpfully asked if I've tried to get him to go to A.A. He'd probably very happily let me load him up and whisk him off to A.A. He's monopolizing my time and energy when I "help" him!
One of my Al-Anon leaders gave me some insight into his behavior last night. He's given up the beer and I've let myself become the first convenient object of his obsession beyond the beer. If he wants to go to A.A., he'll just have to dig up the listing of meetings and phone numbers that I gave him last May and find his own way. I don't feel safe around him. It never takes more than a hot second for him to flip-flop from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Spiteful. I'm sick of being made over into the image of every other ex-wife he ever found reason to hate. I'm me and he doesn't even know who I am. He doesn't even know who he is, other than a constant shape shifter.
Yet as strong as I feel now, I constantly worry about getting reeled in again, just like so many times in the past. I know, one day at a time...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
If it were me, I'd gather up everything of his and put it somewhere for him to pick up or deliver it to his sister. If you don't feel safe around him, change the locks on your home and then cut all contact with him. Be careful and take care of yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Ugh. He does sound creepy. And a pain in the azz.
Thanks for this:
I REALLY needed to read this! Because IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!! AXBF and his son are the SAME WAY! It was making me so nuts, I was going to hang a sign on the front door, "No complaining allowed!"
Thanks for this:
It's so nice to be around people, any people but him and his son. They don't complain constantly and blame all of their problems on anyone/thing besides themselves. They might have multitudes of problems, but they don't drone on about them endlessly. They laugh, even about things that might make them want to cry!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I agree, change the locks, add deadbolts, make sure all windows are locked, if you are out for the evening leave indoor and outdoor lights on. Keep yourself safe and out of harm's way.
Unfortunately, this is probably not the end of it. I would stop responding to any communication from him. He is a creeper.
The sooner you can move forward the better, glad you are finding support in Alanon. We are here for you also. Be well.
Unfortunately, this is probably not the end of it. I would stop responding to any communication from him. He is a creeper.
The sooner you can move forward the better, glad you are finding support in Alanon. We are here for you also. Be well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by marie1960 
I agree, change the locks, add deadbolts, make sure all windows are locked, if you are out for the evening leave indoor and outdoor lights on. Keep yourself safe and out of harm's way.
Unfortunately, this is probably not the end of it. I would stop responding to any communication from him. He is a creeper.
The sooner you can move forward the better, glad you are finding support in Alanon. We are here for you also. Be well.
Unfortunately, this is probably not the end of it. I would stop responding to any communication from him. He is a creeper.
The sooner you can move forward the better, glad you are finding support in Alanon. We are here for you also. Be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
My friends told me to change the locks and not let him come back a year ago September when I threw him out. I am such a fool. He won't go away easily, but at least he can't drive and only has his parents to drive him (50yo male - what does that say other than "BLEH!"). They won't let him misbehave in their presence. His phone number is on my account. I will have it turned off in the morning and finally purchase some doors that will take dead bolt locks. Hopefully I can wing the installation cost too.
L2L, ABF was nothing to write home about, but his 15yo son was absolutely hideous and unbearable. The only milestone he'd surpassed in development was physically - 225 lbs worth. His emotional and social level were on par with a tyrannical 2yo. It used to bug me that his son had no interests or hobbies other than eating and controlling his father's every movement. Then I had to look and see that it was a "like father, like son" scenario. Uggh. ABF simply replaced eating with beer and pot. From what I gather, ABF has been spending as much time trying to control his father lately as he has me. Maybe that's why he finally got so creepy with me. It wasn't working with either of us.
I could write many megabytes about how I let them hack away at my health, independence and self-esteem, one "poor me" drama and crises after another. The short version is that I let myself be used horribly.
L2L, ABF was nothing to write home about, but his 15yo son was absolutely hideous and unbearable. The only milestone he'd surpassed in development was physically - 225 lbs worth. His emotional and social level were on par with a tyrannical 2yo. It used to bug me that his son had no interests or hobbies other than eating and controlling his father's every movement. Then I had to look and see that it was a "like father, like son" scenario. Uggh. ABF simply replaced eating with beer and pot. From what I gather, ABF has been spending as much time trying to control his father lately as he has me. Maybe that's why he finally got so creepy with me. It wasn't working with either of us.
I could write many megabytes about how I let them hack away at my health, independence and self-esteem, one "poor me" drama and crises after another. The short version is that I let myself be used horribly.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Same here, CodieBird. Used. For far too long. And the kids have problems their parents just will not help them with. They see no need because they learned the bad behavior from their parents! To them, it is normal. It is sad to me how the children are affected. But yes, I was so sick so often, whereas before, I never got sick. Really did a number on me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Yeah, this does not sound good, I hope you find the strength to kick him out of your life for good. It sounds like there isn't too much love left for the two of you, just an unhealthy attachment and lots of negativity. I hate the flip flop from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Negativity, or in my case, from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Raving Lunatic.
cut him loose!
cut him loose!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by marie1960
I agree, change the locks, add deadbolts, make sure all windows are locked, if you are out for the evening leave indoor and outdoor lights on. Keep yourself safe and out of harm's way.
Mind yourself - he sounds like a loose cannon.
Adventure
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