HopefulInLA

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here and in need of some advice please.

My husband has a drug and alcohol problem. His DOC are opiates. In addition to that, he isn't an everyday drinker but used to drink maybe once every month or two (only things like New Years, birthdays, etc) and then get black out wasted. He got 2 DUI's about 10 years ago (He's in his early 30s now).

When I met him 5 years ago I didn't know anything about drugs. I had never done drugs myself and was completely naive. He was already using back then but only sporadically and I didn't see the signs. We got married 2 years ago and shortly after that things started to go downhill. He decided to go back to school and to quit work (which required regular drug testing). So back in the student world with nothing to hold him back, he soon started smoking pot every now and then which turned into every day. From there he started abusing Oxycodone, which he had been prescribed for chronic pain from a slipped disc. He bought them from friends and all kinds of sources and soon was high every day. By that time I already was an expert on drugs and knew exactly what was up. Went through the detective phase. We had endless talks and fights over his drug use (I am completely anti drugs) and he was in complete denial and made empty promise after empty promise. Through all this he was highly functional and basically used his 4.0 GPA at a very competitive school as a free ticket to continue his lifestyle. After a few months of heavy use of Oxys, he started smoking heroin. Then a few weeks later he started shooting it up. This went on for just a really short time. One night he was out drinking heavily with friends and when he came home he overdosed. I called 911 and kept him alive with CPR until the paramedics arrived. This was extremely traumatizing and will stay with me forever.

The OD was his rock bottom. He quit alcohol and drugs, cut all contact to bad influence friends, went to a program, and started seeing a substance abuse counselor. After half a year of complete sobriety however, he felt that he wasn't an actual alcoholic and that it was only drinking in excess that led to bad things. So he decided to see if he could have a drink again socially every now and then and to stop again if this wasn't working and he gets drunk again. We weren't on the same page regarding this of course and his counselor thought it was a bad idea too. But he needs to make his own decisions so I told him my boundaries (getting wasted) and let him do what he had to do.

Fast forward another 6 months. He's successful at everything he does, has big plans and ambitions and is working extremely hard for them, our marriage has improved so much, there has been open and honest communication etc. But there have also been a few occasions where he drank way too much since he started again half a year ago. He stopped seeing his counselor a few months ago because he felt he was at a point where he wasn't benefitting from it anymore and therefore didn't need to go anymore. He also had a major accident for which he had to have surgery. Extremely bad luck and bad timing just a year into his recovery. So Oxycodone is back in his life right now (..and no counseling at the same time). He has an extremely high tolerance of course and last week he was taking a ton of pills. He lied about how many and I found out about it. He knows I have zero tolerance for lies and secrecy and we had a major talk about this. He was in a lot of pain from the surgery and I get that he needed to take something. But he lied about it because he "didn't want me to be disappointed". Red flag. The pills are gone now and it is to be seen if he will need another refill (there will likely be a second surgery in 2 or 3 weeks). Then last night just a few days later a friend from out of town visited him and he got very drunk. That was it for me. I haven't spoken a word with him since last night and have no idea what to do now.

This Friday he wants to go to Vegas for a bachelor party. For the last few months I've been letting him know that I think this is a bad idea but with everything that has been happening recently? Come on! A recovering alcoholic shouldn't go to a wine tasting and someone with issues with alcohol and drugs should not go to a bachelor party in Vegas. This is common sense. I can't believe he doesn't see what's happening. He still thinks he's recovering with just a few relapses along the way, which he feels very bad about. Is the addict coming back? Things are slowly eroding and it seems to me like he's paving the way to another disaster. I know it's codependent to tell him not to go or to let him go and sit here and worry about him all weekend. But what am I supposed to do? Sit back and watch it all blow up? I've worked too hard on myself and on getting my sanity back this past year.

What do you think about this situation? Please give me your perspective. I feel like I'm too much in the middle of it again to think straight.
Thank you!!!

zoso77

Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us and that you posted.

This line struck me:

What does him blowing up have to do with you? If you allow him to drag you down with him, he will. But you have a choice in all of this.

Think about it for a second. He's made a series of poor decisions that appear to be leading him back to full blown active addiction. He's lying through his teeth about pills. He's drinking a lot. And you see this with your own two eyes, and your eyes aren't lying.

I'm not a marriage counselor. And I don't think it's my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do regarding your marriage. But be assured this: you can't help him, and you can't save him from himself if he chooses the path he's on. You can, however, protect yourself.

Finding the board and posting is a brave move. There are a lot of people like you (and me) that have been adversely impacted by a loved one's addiction. Read the sticky notes at the top of the page, paying particular attention to "What Addicts Do". If your AH's lips are moving, he's lying.

There are several here amongst us that are in recovery from active addiction. Pay attention to what they share with you. You need your eyes to be open, and your mind needs to be open as well. You need to protect yourself as best you can from this moment on.

Good luck, God bless, and, above all, be safe.

ZoSo

Vale

Hopeful in LA,
Congratulations on your first post! I think you'll be very pleased with
the volume and quality of information here on SR......which will be
evident on this thread you've started very shortly.
(I stand corrected...... I just noticed zoso77 has already posted)
(wish I was back on the west coast!!! .....but I am hoping to escape
the east coast heat/humidity SOON!! Goodbye,New England---hello San Fran!!!
...by SEPT if I'm lucky!)

Eddiebuckle

You are correct that you cannot make his decisions for him - it's codie and ultimately fruitless.

But more than the Vegas thing, he already has relapsed... he's been taking his pain medication beyond the rate at which they were prescribed (likely far beyond). As an opiate addict, he should have informed his doctors and other caregivers of his status and worked out a plan that kept him as far from harms way as possible. Given the magnitude of his pain, that may have been difficult, but to take oxy when that is your DOC is insane.

As to alcohol and the vegas trip, alcohol is my doc, but I suppose an analogy would be pot. I smoked pot occassionally when I was still drinking, and although I didn't particularly care for it, it did do one thing... made me want what I really liked, alcohol. I would venture that alcohol may work that way for some addicts. It's not the drug they abuse, but its the slippery slope that leads to it.

The real question is this: what is your boundary here? You are married to an active addict, who doesn't seem particularly focused on his recovery. The vegas trip is not the problem, but it sure is a symptom.

lightseeker

Welcome Hopeful....

I'm glad that you have found us, but sorry for the circumstances in your life that bring you here. The horrible thing about addiction is that it changes us too...but the good news is that there are recovery programs for us. This forum has so much information. Try and read all of the sticky's that you can.

Have you been going to Alanon or Naranon? If not, I'd really recommend trying out some meetings. It's hard to hang on to your sanity when you are dealing with someone in active addiction. Even when my ex husband (briefly) worked a recovery program is was still difficult and I definitely needed the Anon programs.

Unfortunately, you really can't do anything to keep him from doing what he is going to do. It really helps me to remember that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is take care of you.

When I set bottom lines with my ex husband (while I was still married to him) I realized that I had to have consequences in place. I learned not to set one without buy in to following through with the consequence. For instance, if you say that you have zero tolerance for lies and secrecy what are you going to do if that happens?

It took me a long time to work through all of those sorts of issues so I definitely know how hard it is. You asked if the addict was coming back? Honestly, if he has been using his DOC (even if it was prescribed) then the receptors in his brain have been activated. Trying to deal with medical use of opiates is tough for a recovery addict and generally is done with a whole lot of supervision.

From my perspective it seems like you have made your points about your concerns and that there is nothing else to do but decide what you will and will not accept. This is a tough situation and the only thing that you can really do is take care of yourself and not what your boundaries are.

I really am glad that you have found us - there is a lot of wisdom on this board and it's a great group of people.

Keep posting!

outtolunch

He's an addict doing what addicts do.

We establish boundaries to protect ourselves and our children. ( Are there children involved?) Boundaries begin with " I will/will not.... Attempts to control usually begin with " you will not or else". Trying to control somone else does not work.

" I do not do relationships with substance abusers or people in early recovery" is an example of a boundary. It does not seek to control others. When/ if I find myself in a situation that challenges this boundary, I take responsibility and remove myself from the situation.

Have you considered getting some peer group support from Alanon or perhaps some professional counseling?

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for what brings you here.

I think you a lot more to learn about addiction to become an expert. Your husband is playing with fire (I suspect far more is going on) and he will get burned..just make you become fire proof.

I know its hard to hear and even harder to accept but you can not control his addiction. You can only control you and what you will accept in your life.

EnglishGarden

"He's successful at everything he does."
"Our marriage has had open and honest communication."
"He is a recovering alcoholic...."

When I slowly read your post and realize how he has been consistently getting loaded from some drug or another, and then read those words from you above, all I can see is an addict successfully manipulating and conning every single person around him, including his spouse. I am not surprised he quit the counselor. It may not have worked for him in that room.

Your post in a nutshell describes someone who is in ongoing, unchanging active addiction, with the occasional pause for breath. And a lot of talk, major talk, yet another talk, and this time a big talk....about it all with the spouse who does not see, partly because of that tricky phrase "recovering alcoholic."

He is an active addict, cross-addicted to alcohol and opiates, and there are only two states of being for any addict: either TOTALLY CLEAN or USING. One or the other. No in-between.

I have noticed, as others here have occasionally mentioned, that "recovering" opiate addicts have an incredible talent for attracting major accidents which land them in the hospital on, yes, opiates. The unconscious mind is a powerful thing. The addict brain is so cunning it will, in my opinion, set up the perfect storm to get its drug.

My exabf when deep into his heroin addiction (which followed on the heels of his coke addiction) was an amazingly successful businessman and an extraordinary athlete. He would easily have made that 4.0 your AH boasts of while simultaneously training for the Olympics and climbing Mount Everest. Really. One would never have known he was USING. The addict brain--and especially in someone who is highly intelligent--is a powerful illusionist.

We learn in recovery that addicts hear what we do, not what we say.

If you seek help for yourself, and stick with it, you will find your answers and your courage to stop talking so much and to take action. If you truly have "zero tolerance for lies and secrecy" then what does that zero tolerance actually look like? Because it needs to go in effect, now. You express worry that the addict is "coming back." He never left, dear.

Lara

Wow Englishgarden your posts are always brilliant and so so accurate. You always 'hit the nail on the head'. Are you a professional counsellor?? Seems like it! Really appreciate reading your input. Your comment 'we learn in recovery that addicts hear what we do, not what we say' - is powerful. Everyday reading SR I feel I am getting somewhere - then I read one of your posts and feel completely ignorant!! When you refer to 'in recovery' - what are you referring too? Professional counselling or joining a group like An-Anon??? Would so appreciate some advice on how to 'be in recovery'. Is SR enough? An-Anon groups are not in my area in South Africa - so quite tricky to join.

Kindeyes

Lara
I'm guessing you've already searched since you mentioned that there are no Al-anon groups in your area of South Africa, but just in case......here is a link.

Al-Anon Sixty Years of Hope

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3502154
I have noticed, as others here have occasionally mentioned, that "recovering" opiate addicts have an incredible talent for attracting major accidents which land them in the hospital on, yes, opiates. The unconscious mind is a powerful thing. The addict brain is so cunning it will, in my opinion, set up the perfect storm to get its drug. [/QUOTE]

Hit this nail on the head....

Show me an opiate/opioid addict, and chances are they have somehow landed in the ER and are prescribed their DOC.

EnglishGarden

Not a professional counselor. But a longtime counsel-ee.

For the OP and for Lara,

There is much great reading material on this site to help you in your recovery. Recovery means becoming aware of the pattern of codependency which --like the pattern of addiction--tends to manifest in very specific behaviors and thinking that we as codependents have to monitor in ourselves daily and overcome.

I recommend all the Sticky links, as well as a look at the Hazelden online bookstore (hazelden.com) for reading materials (if you cannot afford new copies you can often find used copies on alibris.com). Also the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews will help give you some backbone to stop putting up with bull**** from the addict.

I also always recommend working one on one with a counselor. Twelve Step meetings are good maintenance for monitoring our unhealthy behaviors--we see ourselves in other people in the rooms--but one on one counseling helps us zone in on our childhood training that compelled us to sacrifice our sanity and health for a toxic relationship, to minimize abuse, and to blame ourselves when a sick person rejects our love. And if we cannot afford counseling, we can ask someone in a Twelve Step program to study the Steps with us, outside the meetings, and focus on our childhood training and our current confusions in that way.

Recovery is taking action to stop being a rescuer, minimizer, martyr. It is about learning how to be an equal partner in an equal and honest relationship. It is about learning to be a parent who respects the right of adult children to live their own lives. "Learning" is the key word, because this does not come naturally to those of us who were wounded as children and lost our way because of that wounding.

Cynical One, a member here, has, I think, a collection of excellent articles somewhere inside the forum, about addicts and about codependents. Maybe someone can provide a link? They are so good I print them out and bind them.