Dealing with recovery and living with a drinker
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Dealing with recovery and living with a drinker
Hi folks,
My first post here and I have lurked in and out of alcohol recovery sites for a bit now.
My story is I am 32 and have had a problem with booze since I can remember starting the demon drink.
I have gone almost 2yrs abstinance before and done months without it but I always slip up and get back to my old habits drinking until I am hammered in the early hours of the morning.
I gave up for 7.5 weeks until this week,I had a stressful time in my marriage and I went on a two day bender resulting in me wasting days and postponing events I needed to attend.
I actually get no satisfaction out of drinking,I used to party with drugs but have since become to despise them and thrive for a sober existence.
When I put my mind to it I can do it but the problem now sits with my wife who is in herself an alcoholic all be it in denial.
I had a couple of stressful incidents with her drunk this past two weeks where she publicly humiliated me outside a bar as I collected her and she alienated all of her friends.
She is a great person when she is not drinking but when she drinks she can become very abusive and volatile,not easy trying to explain this to her as she always says I am the one with the problem not her.
I came to the realization that for my life to move on I must abandon all the ties I have to alcohol,old friends and past locations I used to frequent now must stay in the past.
I have given my wife an ultimatum that she either quits drink permanently or we must part ways,this decision has not come lightly but I have had to experience at least two dozen psychotic incidents from her drunk to be finally pushed over the edge.
This week confirmed it to me that I cannot live with a drinker as a recovering alcoholic,alcohol has caused me nothing but misery and lead me to make terrible decisions in my life.
Just looking for advice on the way to approach this,I have suggested we both attend AA together and try to find activities that will keep us busy.
I have seen marriages break up as a result of one drinker in the relationship and I have also watched some families endure hell from a parent drinking,we have no children but I am looking for some pointers if others have been in the same situation.
Thanks in advance
My first post here and I have lurked in and out of alcohol recovery sites for a bit now.
My story is I am 32 and have had a problem with booze since I can remember starting the demon drink.
I have gone almost 2yrs abstinance before and done months without it but I always slip up and get back to my old habits drinking until I am hammered in the early hours of the morning.
I gave up for 7.5 weeks until this week,I had a stressful time in my marriage and I went on a two day bender resulting in me wasting days and postponing events I needed to attend.
I actually get no satisfaction out of drinking,I used to party with drugs but have since become to despise them and thrive for a sober existence.
When I put my mind to it I can do it but the problem now sits with my wife who is in herself an alcoholic all be it in denial.
I had a couple of stressful incidents with her drunk this past two weeks where she publicly humiliated me outside a bar as I collected her and she alienated all of her friends.
She is a great person when she is not drinking but when she drinks she can become very abusive and volatile,not easy trying to explain this to her as she always says I am the one with the problem not her.
I came to the realization that for my life to move on I must abandon all the ties I have to alcohol,old friends and past locations I used to frequent now must stay in the past.
I have given my wife an ultimatum that she either quits drink permanently or we must part ways,this decision has not come lightly but I have had to experience at least two dozen psychotic incidents from her drunk to be finally pushed over the edge.
This week confirmed it to me that I cannot live with a drinker as a recovering alcoholic,alcohol has caused me nothing but misery and lead me to make terrible decisions in my life.
Just looking for advice on the way to approach this,I have suggested we both attend AA together and try to find activities that will keep us busy.
I have seen marriages break up as a result of one drinker in the relationship and I have also watched some families endure hell from a parent drinking,we have no children but I am looking for some pointers if others have been in the same situation.
Thanks in advance
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome positivenewstar!
Sorry to hear about your situation - that has to be tough. I haven't had that problem but there a quite a few here going through the same thing. I'm sure you'll get some responses from them.
The only thing I'd advise is what you're doing already, which is to put sobriety first and focus on what you need to do to stay sober. I'm glad you found this forum - it's been my support and inspiration for 2+ years.
(oh, and we have a Family & Friends board, too, so you might want to check that out) Here's to a bright, sober future!
Sorry to hear about your situation - that has to be tough. I haven't had that problem but there a quite a few here going through the same thing. I'm sure you'll get some responses from them.
The only thing I'd advise is what you're doing already, which is to put sobriety first and focus on what you need to do to stay sober. I'm glad you found this forum - it's been my support and inspiration for 2+ years.
(oh, and we have a Family & Friends board, too, so you might want to check that out) Here's to a bright, sober future!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Positvenewstar 
I'm sorry you are facing such a tough decision. I know there are many people on here who have had to face this too. I got sober while single, for which I was incredibly grateful because I don't think I could have done it if someone else was drinking in my house. I have lived with another alcoholic before and that wasn't fun. We were different types of drinkers though and always thought the other had the worse problem! Needless to say we couldn't help each other. It's best to concentrate on your own recovery, whatever happens with your wife. Ultimatum or no, you can't force her to address her drinking issues and I'd imagine it would be hard to quit under duress. Whatever happens though, you will find lots of support here x
I'm sorry you are facing such a tough decision. I know there are many people on here who have had to face this too. I got sober while single, for which I was incredibly grateful because I don't think I could have done it if someone else was drinking in my house. I have lived with another alcoholic before and that wasn't fun. We were different types of drinkers though and always thought the other had the worse problem! Needless to say we couldn't help each other. It's best to concentrate on your own recovery, whatever happens with your wife. Ultimatum or no, you can't force her to address her drinking issues and I'd imagine it would be hard to quit under duress. Whatever happens though, you will find lots of support here x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
Well I don't blame you for feeling bad about being in the situation you are in. If your wife wants to continue drinking you may need to end the relationship. I was in a very similar situation with my ex bf. He would not cut down and when I tried to talk to him he would say "Shut up about it". Always wanting to hang out at bars and get drinking all day. Totally in denial and not wanting to deal with my feelings on the subject. After a while it does start to **** you off.
I realized that I can't control him or his drinking and it was better for me to distance myself from him and we broke up. Granted, it was an easier decision for me since we were not married or living together at the time. I do feel like I am better off since I can now focus on my own sobriety and not feel like the codependent trying to fix him or change him.
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Well I don't blame you for feeling bad about being in the situation you are in. If your wife wants to continue drinking you may need to end the relationship. I was in a very similar situation with my ex bf. He would not cut down and when I tried to talk to him he would say "Shut up about it". Always wanting to hang out at bars and get drinking all day. Totally in denial and not wanting to deal with my feelings on the subject. After a while it does start to **** you off.
I realized that I can't control him or his drinking and it was better for me to distance myself from him and we broke up. Granted, it was an easier decision for me since we were not married or living together at the time. I do feel like I am better off since I can now focus on my own sobriety and not feel like the codependent trying to fix him or change him.
Have you tried marriage counseling?
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know exactly how you feel. I myself got sober but was still living with an active alcoholic husband who does not want to change. I finally realized that I cannot stay sober as long as he is still being a drunk, and three nights ago, I kicked him out. I have no idea where he is right now but I can only hope the time away will help him to have some moments of clarity ... that if he continues drinking, he is going to lose everything he cares about. His wife, his children, his home, his friendships, his liveliehood, his property, his self worth, his sanity, and quite possibly his freedom if he ends up in jail some day. And in the end, he will lose his life to it. That's the honest truth. He now has a choice ... to choose what's most important or to choose his booze.
You may have to go the same route with your wife. It is very easy for us to enable this behavior without realizing it, and I had done that for many years. I finally had to lay down some boundaries and stop enabling behavior that is damaging him, me, and our two sons. I know it is hard to do, and you never know ... she might finally get her act together and realize that her drinking is not worth losing you.
Ultimately, nothing is more important than your own sobriety. Please remember that. You will not have much of a life if you don't get sober, and you certainly won't have much of a life if you are still drinking with an alcoholic spouse. It can only end badly.
You will be in my prayers. I certainly do feel your pain, my friend.
You may have to go the same route with your wife. It is very easy for us to enable this behavior without realizing it, and I had done that for many years. I finally had to lay down some boundaries and stop enabling behavior that is damaging him, me, and our two sons. I know it is hard to do, and you never know ... she might finally get her act together and realize that her drinking is not worth losing you.
Ultimately, nothing is more important than your own sobriety. Please remember that. You will not have much of a life if you don't get sober, and you certainly won't have much of a life if you are still drinking with an alcoholic spouse. It can only end badly.
You will be in my prayers. I certainly do feel your pain, my friend.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I came to the realization that for my life to move on I must abandon all the ties I have to alcohol,old friends and past locations I used to frequent now must stay in the past.
I have given my wife an ultimatum that she either quits drink permanently or we must part ways,this decision has not come lightly but I have had to experience at least two dozen psychotic incidents from her drunk to be finally pushed over the edge.
This week confirmed it to me that I cannot live with a drinker as a recovering alcoholic,alcohol has caused me nothing but misery and lead me to make terrible decisions in my life.
I have given my wife an ultimatum that she either quits drink permanently or we must part ways,this decision has not come lightly but I have had to experience at least two dozen psychotic incidents from her drunk to be finally pushed over the edge.
This week confirmed it to me that I cannot live with a drinker as a recovering alcoholic,alcohol has caused me nothing but misery and lead me to make terrible decisions in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks for all your contributions guys,its a lost cause I am afraid.
As I type this she failed to meet me in a coffee shop today at 2pm its now 13hrs later and in the am,not answering calls gone to bars and probably will not come home.
I have her bags packed by the front door and intend on kicking her out pronto,all the talking last week and how good I was to her doing nice things,being romantic etc.
Massive kick in the face and I feel really down and betrayed,I probably will not post back here guys as I am going to just deal with this now and definitely will not go back to alcohol for assistance.
Thanks again and I wish you all luck in your lives,one moment all is perfect the next its turmoil but I got a good family that will support me and I firmly believe it is her loss but I cannot be put through this and taking the decision to end it now.
As I type this she failed to meet me in a coffee shop today at 2pm its now 13hrs later and in the am,not answering calls gone to bars and probably will not come home.
I have her bags packed by the front door and intend on kicking her out pronto,all the talking last week and how good I was to her doing nice things,being romantic etc.
Massive kick in the face and I feel really down and betrayed,I probably will not post back here guys as I am going to just deal with this now and definitely will not go back to alcohol for assistance.
Thanks again and I wish you all luck in your lives,one moment all is perfect the next its turmoil but I got a good family that will support me and I firmly believe it is her loss but I cannot be put through this and taking the decision to end it now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Hi positive.
I know where your coming from. My wife and I were both deep in the bottle. I knew I had to quit and tried many approaches with many failures. Every time I tried to quit I had to face her anger, I understand now that this anger was her realization that she could lose her drinking partner as well as a lot of her excuses to drink. Once I came to realize I had to do this for myself, I took the plunge and quit. It took a year of sneaking her booze, but I quit. I felt bad about leaving her behind to fend for herself, and still do. But I came to understand that I wanted to live, and don't think she really cared if she did or not. I stayed with her till the end for my own reasons, but it was extremly difficult both mentally and physical. If you decide to stay my thoughts would be lots of counselling for you, support groups in real life, and here on sr. You'll never push her into quitting, you'll just push her further into it. Maybe just subtlely display how fantastic you start feeling now that you're not jamming that garbage down your throat anymore, and hope that she may decide to join you in sobriety. But don't count to much on this as it may be a big let down if she doesn't. Good luck and wish you the best. Whatever decision you make. I know you say you're not coming back, but I'm writing this in case you decide to change your mind.
I know where your coming from. My wife and I were both deep in the bottle. I knew I had to quit and tried many approaches with many failures. Every time I tried to quit I had to face her anger, I understand now that this anger was her realization that she could lose her drinking partner as well as a lot of her excuses to drink. Once I came to realize I had to do this for myself, I took the plunge and quit. It took a year of sneaking her booze, but I quit. I felt bad about leaving her behind to fend for herself, and still do. But I came to understand that I wanted to live, and don't think she really cared if she did or not. I stayed with her till the end for my own reasons, but it was extremly difficult both mentally and physical. If you decide to stay my thoughts would be lots of counselling for you, support groups in real life, and here on sr. You'll never push her into quitting, you'll just push her further into it. Maybe just subtlely display how fantastic you start feeling now that you're not jamming that garbage down your throat anymore, and hope that she may decide to join you in sobriety. But don't count to much on this as it may be a big let down if she doesn't. Good luck and wish you the best. Whatever decision you make. I know you say you're not coming back, but I'm writing this in case you decide to change your mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1
Losing attraction to my spouse
Hello Group,
I watched the world series tonight and wen to slumber only to wake to her the footsteps of my drunken spouse shuffling through the house. She had drunken 1.5L bottle of Chardonnay and then cleverly disposed ot if in the outside garbage. She doesn't drink every day rather once every 7 to 10 days or at a social gathering. Her decreased drinking is because I moved her and I out to NV away from her "bad influences". Se ordinary is a good kind reasonable person, but when I see the disrespect she has for herself and her over indulgence I don't even want to be around her. Unfortunately I an growing further and further apart from her but not quite sure if I am at the point to go through a divorce, I just spent 2 years working with her on a collaboration financial book soon to be published which would make a break up difficult. I of course have spoken to her and perhaps progress is there, but she can never have just one glass of wine, except for those rare occasions where it's a higher profile situation. The sad thing is I am growing to dislike the person I married, finding her unattractive and weak and all caught up in a glass of spoiled grapes. I don't have any family to speak to about this and her family would be like talking to her about it. We all know the wasted efforts, honey I want to help you, well you take Dr prescribed sleep medicine, etc....I stand to lose quite a bit of funds as well and I retired early 40s and have no other funds to fall back on, so this is a real hard time. I sure could use a freind or two and lots of advice.
Sincerely,
Sad man in Pahrump who wished he had a relationship with a controlled or non-drinker.
I watched the world series tonight and wen to slumber only to wake to her the footsteps of my drunken spouse shuffling through the house. She had drunken 1.5L bottle of Chardonnay and then cleverly disposed ot if in the outside garbage. She doesn't drink every day rather once every 7 to 10 days or at a social gathering. Her decreased drinking is because I moved her and I out to NV away from her "bad influences". Se ordinary is a good kind reasonable person, but when I see the disrespect she has for herself and her over indulgence I don't even want to be around her. Unfortunately I an growing further and further apart from her but not quite sure if I am at the point to go through a divorce, I just spent 2 years working with her on a collaboration financial book soon to be published which would make a break up difficult. I of course have spoken to her and perhaps progress is there, but she can never have just one glass of wine, except for those rare occasions where it's a higher profile situation. The sad thing is I am growing to dislike the person I married, finding her unattractive and weak and all caught up in a glass of spoiled grapes. I don't have any family to speak to about this and her family would be like talking to her about it. We all know the wasted efforts, honey I want to help you, well you take Dr prescribed sleep medicine, etc....I stand to lose quite a bit of funds as well and I retired early 40s and have no other funds to fall back on, so this is a real hard time. I sure could use a freind or two and lots of advice.
Sincerely,
Sad man in Pahrump who wished he had a relationship with a controlled or non-drinker.
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