EmmyG

I've had anxiety since I was little...I can remember as young as 4 or 5, being sick to my stomach with worry over everything. My brother died when I was two, and according to my mother I was always trying to comfort her. I remember always worrying about her, cleaning the house all the time to try to make her less stressed/sad. My sister was sickly and I remember getting up in the middle of the night to check her for fever. Anyway, my point is that I've always been a total worrier and worried about my loved ones to the extreme. With AH, I go into overdrive.

I'm starting individual counseling this week, and I'm hoping to find some peace within myself. I feel like a child at times, incredibly unsure of myself. I am trying to figure out if I'll ever be able to live with my husband without constant worry. Even if he's gone years without drinking (IF), would I ever be able to relax like a normal person? It's exhausting being anxious all the time. I feel like its always been this way, but this marriage has taken it to another level.

ShootingStar1

EmmyG, my thoughts are with you. Sometimes I think, having grown up in a very dysfunctional alcoholic family, that I lived much of life on two simultaneous tracks: the happy, real me, in the moment, and the undercurrent of worry, anxiety, fear that I suppressed, but that drew energy from the rest of me.

It is great that you are starting individual counseling, and I hope that you'll be able to let go of the anxiety that someone around you will be hurt, or (and) that it is your job to feel their feelings, to fix their feelings.

That is a great burden that you can put down and be free.

Even in the midst of great turmoil, the evening sky is still beautiful as the colors change from blue to darker blue, to sunset colors, then to midnight blue as the stars come out. That all belongs to you, too.

BothSidesNow

lizatola

For me, I didn't even know what anxiety or depression or OCD were until after I married AH. I had minor performance anxiety when I did my dance recitals and some health anxiety in high school when my sister was being treated for leukemia, but really I was not an anxious person.

Once I was exposed to AH's ups and downs and his anger issues, I started having panic attacks and that fight or flight stuff would hit me and it was so unfamiliar to me. So, I think the anxiety really came about after being married to AH.

Learn2Live

The author of The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, Edmund Bourne, says that according to research, anxiety disorders are the number one mental health problem among American women and are second only to alcohol and drug abuse among men.

Tuffgirl

I don't - but you describe my sister. My Mom calls it a "fear-based personality", and says my Grandmother was also this way. Just worried about everything...constantly in a high state of anxiety.

Counseling is a great idea. I hope it helps. It may also be one of those things you have to come to terms with in life...ya know...our personality limitations.

LifeRecovery

I was anxious as a child. It helped me to cope with the world and to get things done. For a long time I thought I needed it....to get schoolwork done, to do my job well, to be a good friend etc.

I have moments now of anxiety, but I would not call myself anxious any longer. I found out anxiety was a way to motivate and charge me up. Therapy really helped me to work that out. Al-Anon helped me work on detachment with helped with huge parts of it also.

I was working on the anxiety while married to my husband. I got a lot of it cleared. Because he was not willing to work on the alcohol concerns in his life it did contribute to the anxiety (I was only working on alcohol use just prior to us splitting up).

I have much less anxiety in my life without him regularly in it. I do know I recovered from anxiety. I don't know if I would have with him still in my life. I do know this, his drinking definitely was impacted by his alcohol use, but it was not the cause of my anxiety...the same way my anxiety did not cause his drinking.

Ellvk

EmmyG,
I have Been diagnosed with and treated for anxiety disorders since I was a child. A chronic worrier, I was constantly on edge about the well being of loved ones. I was perfectly matched for someon who needed "rescuing" like my AH.

Hang in there,
L.

FifiRhubarb

I am nowhere near as deep into life with an alcoholic as many here, and my loved one is not in an advanced state of the disease...but what he has put me through has given me anxiety like I haven't had in YEARS. I did wonder, though, as I read this thread, if maybe some of us are drawn to these anxiety-inducing people/situations because it is what we are used to? Kind of like what the post before me touched on.

I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was about 11 or 12. It's not anything close to how bad it used to be. I think I actually taught myself to worry too little for a while, and would just go to sleep instead when faced with a problem. lol. But from when I was 10 to about 12 or 13, I would get sick with worry over the weirdest things. Literally physically ill. I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't eat a lot of the time and always had a stomach ache. I had these crazy fears that were so outlandish, but that seemed like very real threats. And I thought that if I worried about them enough, they wouldn't happen. I would stay up all night a few times a week. I remember in 5th grade I was getting, on average, about 3 hours of sleep a night. I have always been very afraid of throwing up, and the last time I threw up was in October of my 5th grade year. I constantly thought I was going to throw up, and I lived on TUMS because I thought they would keep me from puking. I was already skinny, but I think anxiety made it worse. I remember once I got on anti-anxiety meds, my blood pressure was lower than it had been before.

Generally, my anxiety doesn't manifest itself physically anymore and hasn't for a long time. At least not until recently. What's changed? Well, I'm guessing it has to do with having an alcoholic ex-con for a boyfriend.

BlueSkies1

I had very little anxiety before the relationship with exah...probably too happy go lucky, which is what got me with him in the first place.

akrasia

No normal person could live with someone who abuses drugs and alcohol without constant worry. No normal person could live with someone who abuses them physically without constant worry. The fact is living with an abuser is one of the most stressful situations known to mankind. And it is stressful precisely because a lot of the time he's lovely and kind--until your defenses are down and then here comes Mr. Hyde.

What normal person wouldn't feel anxiety in that situation? You'd be crazy not to. You may or may not have anxiety issues like a lot of people but that is WAY beside the point right now.

I am really worried at how you came on here a while back with some pretty hair-raising stories of manipulation and abuse, only to disappear for a while, and then you've returned to describe how your counsellor--under the supervision of your AH--is helping you focus on your anxiety problems.

Huh?

And then when we've pointed out your past struggles and abuse at his hands you've been uncharacteristically defensive and truculent.

I was thinking of it last night and I suddenly got the sinking feeling that maybe your husband is supervising your posting here now.

In any event, there's help out there, dear Emmy G.

transformyself

I've lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember, so this thread really hits home.

I'm naturally anxious, have PTSD which is an anxiety disorder on steroids, literally. I grew up in an abusive, A home and am married to an A now.

For me, ridding myself of the anxiety is my every day focus. I first realized what it was and that launched me on the path to healing, because for me awareness is the first step in change.

Now that i know what the heckito is wrong with me, I can work to understand and release it.

For now, I'm crystal clear on the triggers:

-Being in the immediate proximity of my AH and interacting with him on any level.
-Worrying about money, our living situation and how the hell to get out of here--without focusing on the possible solutions.
-Worrying and focusing on anything that has to do with AH, such as trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about, what he's doing, etc.

Only admitting I'm powerless over alcohol and focusing on my own self makes me better.

Good luck to you!

EmmyG

My husband supervising my posting?? He doesn't even know SR exists. I post from my phone or my laptop, neither of which he has access to. We have not been focusing on me during marriage counseling, far from it. I'm done posting here, thanks to all the kind people like KatieKate, among many others. Thanks for listening.

akrasia

Maybe that was too far-fetched for me to say. Yet I'm reeling with the change of tone, and at a loss. If you go back and read your original posts, it's a drastic swing to the tone today. I can't un-read your earlier posts or un-feel the terror and isolation they conveyed. Best of luck to you.

Good

From one to another "worry wart" consumed constantly by fear and worry anxiety that accompanies it. I was diagnosed with many anxiety disorders from age three on I went thru some horrific child trauma and also being born bi-polar I can relate to everything your going thru. I came onto the site today because I would like to start a group for dual diagnosis people like myself however I need to do a little more before that can happen. I will do it though so keep your eyes open and I hope you will join the group once it's up. I am now 43 I have been on Disability for 13 years as I got so bad I was unable to work or function any longer. My advice to you is cont. to reach out to others whom share your issues, it helps to know your not crazy and you may just be full of fear and worry because of situations you may have experienced or you may have a genuine anxiety disorder in which case there are many many helpful options to look into. Good luck and I really do hope to hear from you again soon. I can offer you many of my tried failed and successful attempts at finding peace. Good.

Carol Star

I had it as a child probably from fear of abusive alcoholic Dad- then revisited it through various romantic breakups, pressure- like school or public speaking, and then with XAH. It is no fun- would lose too much weight, grind my teeth, hair would fall out, couldn't sleep. I had a good therapist. She got my brain chemistry straight- with 5HDP and Valarian tea. I can't take meds.(in recovery myself) and then left the XAH so I eventually got better.

Zoenob

I am an extreme worrier too. I will stress and worry even about the most inconsequential things. It can be debilitating. I was the same way when I was a child. My mother dealt with my A father with the silent treatment. This created such terror in me because when she did this she had to be cold to everyone around her even if she didn't mean to. This probably helped ingrain my worry wort persona. I remember hearing "worrying about something is like praying for it to happen". I try to keep that quote close to me when I feel an obsessive worrying spell coming on. lol

I hope you don't stop posting here. You help more people than you realize.