WorkInProgress8

My DS 3rd birthday is coming up, im broke, wont be able to throw him a party this year, buy him a cake or get him lots of gifts like i always do. I know hes only turning 3 and having a Birthday is not a concept he registers at this age but it matters to me. My parents have offered, and have been offering to help me with my money woes: ive declined financial help until recently.I do everything myself , im very self sufficient and i make no apologies for it, which is probably why im feeling so guilty about not being able to give my DS the birthday I want to give him. To make matters worse, ive been thinking about my XABF potential involvement in the situation; i say 'potential' because at the moment hes currently residing at our county jail. I dont know when hes getting out and i dont care but im a planner and an over-thinker, so thats what i do, overthink...EVERYTHING. Ive been trying not to naw so much at things that may or may not happen but for this situation my thoughts just wont fade. I refer to my XABF as 'Holiday Dad,' because whenever theres a special occasion (birthday) or Holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas), there he is wanting to be all about the family! But you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as the year is anew, flowers start blooming again, and summer is approaching, VROOOOM! He's out the door with a case of beer in 1 hand and a cigarette in the other. Its such bullsh!t. Thats why I cant help but think about the 'what ifs' or the 'what are you going to do's.' What if hes out in time for the birthday? Am i going to bite my tongue, grin and bear it so they can spend time together that day (if he even remembers and requests to, that is) OR am i going to be as cold blooded and heartless as he has been and tell him to f**ck off because he has not & does not help me take care of our DS 97.9999% of the time (i spared 2% because he did watch him for a couple months when i went back to work & did change diapers). The only reason i have to fake it through the charade and let them spend time together is so that if my son ever asked why he wasnt there, i wouldnt have to look into his eyes and give him this selfish ass answer: because *I* didnt want him there... Im tired physically, losing motivation to exercise, scatter brained, and I feel like eating my own brain to delete the stress. Any ESH, advice, anything?

Seren

Oh, WIP

I'm sure your little boy will have a wonderful birthday because he is loved and safe! Perhaps your folks could simply hold the party at their place--that way they aren't giving you money for it, they are just hosting it. Oh, and it's OK to ask for help sometimes. We all need help now and then

I know it's hard, but try not to 'awfulize' about all the what if's of your ex's situation. He is your X after all, and I'm guessing that there is no formal custody/visitation schedule in place? Perhaps your little boy can have his party and, if you decide it's OK, he can go get ice cream the next day with his dad.

I hope today will be a better day for you!

Katiekate

tell him to f**ck off because he has not & does not help me take care of our DS 97.9999%

I opt for this one. You don't need it! It will just cause more crap.

Learn2Live

How about you just don't tell him anything? How about you don't talk to him? How about while he is in jail, you change the locks on the front door and not let him back in? I mean, how is he a good role model for your son? How is he helping anything? Here you are worrying about a birthday party for your child, obsessing over how you are going to React to an alcoholic sperm donor currently in jail, while completely ignoring the giant elephant in the room.

What is he in jail for? What is he adding to your life? How is he contributing to the welfare, support, and well-being of you and your child? You are on a rollercoaster and ready to eat your own brains because of it. Is that not crazy-making???

WorkInProgress8

Thank you Hydro thank you thank you. Instead of a formal party i will probably just take him swimming, to a bounce house or to ChuckECheese; something he will enjoy, because like you said, "he will have a wonderful birthday because he is loved and safe." I agree its definitely ok to ask for help, so im learning to put my pride aside and do that. But i am not goiong to make a habit out of it. I have to be able to provide for myself and my DS. Im hoping my paycheck will be big enough so that i can get him the bike i want to buy! My Mom offered to help if i dont have enough $$, and hopefully i wont have to borrow from her but if so then thats what ive got to do. Actually, me & my XABF we do have a court ordered visitation schedule from our Child Support arrangement but i wouldnt consider it formal because we've never went by it since it began March 2011: Instead, we've made our own schedule up as time has went along- mediators said that was ok as long as we both agreed on it. Katie, my thoughts exactly! L2L the answer to some of your questions are in my previous posts and this thread as well, but for the sake of your time i'll re-answer them and refreshify my situation.1) I dont tell my X anything. I havent talked to him since May (he called my work phone to ask to see our DS- we all met at the park). Here we are, 2months later,(havent heard from him since that call in May ) He trys to call from the jail, i do not answer. 2) I have not, and do not talk to him- unless he calls my work phone. His phone # is blocked from my cell phone, & hes blocked on FB. 3) I dont need to change the locks because my X does not live here nor does he have a key to get in. 4) He is in no way, shape or form a good role model for my son. 5) He isnt helping anything. 6) Hes in jail for previous tickets, & a warrant(s) for not complying with the rules of his DWI probation & a no show at his DWI court date in June. Yes, i did snoop and called the bond office to get information on his charges. 7)He has added nothing to my life besides my beautiful DS. 8) He is not contributing to the welfare, support or well being of my DS or me. I want to eat my brains because the stress of EVERYTHING going on currently(money woes, scatter brained, physically tired), NOT just because im "obsessing" over my possible reaction to an "alcoholic sperm donor." Do you have children L2L? Its tough, especially doing it on your own. Im more worried about what im going to do to celebrate my DS birthday than the possibility of my XA wanting to be a part of it if hes out of jail in time. I just want my son to be happy, and unfortunately spending time with my X makes him happy. Thats why i have been going back and forth in my head about what to do, so at least i have a plan of action just in case.

m1k3

I am going to share ES&H not as a forum member but as a grandparent. I LOVE throwing parties and giving gifts to my grandchildren and I'm pretty sure your parents do as well.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

So do my parents - they love being asked, too. They don't want to intrude or assume, so they expect their kids to let them know when they are needed. But boy do they love to spoil their grandkids.

One thing I do often with the expensive gifts is to split it with the grandparents so its a joint gift from all of us.

HG is right. It's ok to ask for help.

marie1960

It takes a village to raise a child.

You are very lucky to have the supportive parents you do. I love your independent attitude, but it really is ok, to allow your family to embrace you at this difficult time. As a parent, and grandparent, I too, absolutely love adding smiles to their priceless faces.

As far as the sperm donor, I think you have given him more than ample consideration. Keep rereading #1-8 in your above post, you have answered your own question.

Your little man deserves a positive role model, this guy clearly does not qualify.

Learn2Live

Bless your heart WorkInProgress. Thanks for all the explanations I am so glad to hear you have cut off contact with him! Sorry I did not remember your previous posts. I hope that your son has a wonderful birthday. But I also hope that you are doing things for yourself. Stress is horrible for our health and we have to take time for us to relieve the stress in our lives.

FifiRhubarb

I would say that instead of feeling insensitive, you should feel PROUD. For one thing, you strive to provide for your son in reasonable and healthy ways (i.e. not deciding to throw a huge party you can't afford and/or expect others to pay for it, being concerned for his safety and well-being, and also still wanting him to have the best birthday you can give him). I get really annoyed by people who expect their parents to pay for everything for their grandchild, but it's clear that's not you. It is ABSOLUTELY ok to accept help sometimes. My mom wouldn't have made it without help from her dad. With 4 kids, going back to school, working full time, and no child support, that was her only option.

In terms of your ex, I can almost guarantee that your son is not going to remember his dad not being there in the long run. Maybe not even in the short run. He may remember drama that could result from him being there, though. My dad ruined every single one of my birthdays from when I was 5 until when I was 8. I remember that, and it has taken me years to not be scared/tense on some level on my birthday.

WorkInProgress8

"It takes a village to raise a child" <-- My Mom had to remind me of that! Like i said asking for help is tough for me, its an ego and pride thing, but im working on it and definitely going to accept it when needed because im broker than MC Hammer these days! Thank you ALL so much for your insight and kind words. After i posted this morning i spoke to XABF Aunt about seeing my DS (we've met up 2times this month already) and she mentioned that XABF got out of jail last night. YAY!!! -_______- Which again brings up the subject of, what im going to do if he approaches me about DS birthday or hell about DS period. From a personal aspect id like to do what i want and tell him to f**k off but a from a legal aspect im between a rock and hard place because of the court ordered Child Support and Visitation schedule. The enforcement office is in the process of bringing us back to court (for the 3rd time) because he doesnt pay and i dont want any fingers pointed at me for not allowing visitation. I want a clean slate. I reread our paperwork and this is what it said in terms of the childs birthday.

-- The parent not otherwise entitled under this order to present possession of a child on the childs birthday shall have possession of the child from 6pm - 8pm on that day.

I dont understand legal jargin very well, but i think it means XABF gets DS from those times on his bday(IF he even remembers the day & requests time). If im wrong please correct me!

WorkInProgress8

Anvilhead, thank you. Your words are resonating throughout my brain and once again your wisdom is spot on. It is MY decision to decide what is safe and healthy for him. Beans up the nose LOL! Mine hasnt done that....yet.

Fifi, thank you for this. SO right as well.--->"In terms of your ex, I can almost guarantee that your son is not going to remember his dad not being there in the long run. Maybe not even in the short run. He may remember drama that could result from him being there, though."

FifiRhubarb

I think that's probably correct. I read it as the parent who doesn't normally have him on this day, because of custody and also because of visitation schedules, gets to see the kid at the designated time. Which is, it sounds like, exactly what you interpret it as saying. I would imagine that's up to your ex to try to arrange, and if he doesn't initiate it, I don't think that would really reflect badly on you. It also won't look good for him that he just got out of jail. If he doesn't ask about seeing your son, I doubt any person in their right mind would seek out the alcoholic non-custodial parent who just got out of jail.

I think anvil is absolutely right, you are his mother and you are the stable one who provides for his needs. When he's older, it might be different. But for now, you wouldn't let him eat ice cream and gummi bears for breakfast every morning even though he'd like it. Am I right? I am very glad for your son that you are really examining the situation and have his best interest in mind, rather than a desire to "stick it" to your ex. I have a close friend who is more on that end of the spectrum when it comes to her ex.

marie1960

I certainly would not mention anything to the recently released jailbird.

It is his obligation to contact you, and tell you he will be taking advantage of the 6-8 pm visitation right. As sad as it it to say, perhaps he won't remember and you will not have to deal with it.

I sure as hell wouldn't be hunting him down and requesting that he start acting like a real father.

WorkInProgress8

Definitely no duck hunting gear over here. Lol! I never planned on seeking him out but i did decide to kust ignore him if he tries to contact me. Screw the legalities of our situation! It hurts to say, but my DS is NOT a priority to him. Never has been, and never will be. I mean hell, its been 2 days since he was released & hes made no attempt to even see our child. It sucks that hes such a douche but thats life.