GoingInCircles

Im new to this forum & I don't know if I am posting right. I don't do much of this. I need some support right now though. I am utterly miserable realizing that I do now have a problem with alcohol. I grew up with parents go were drug addicts so I never saw much alcohol growing up. Didn't try it young. Got drunk once on my 18th BD, got sick, hated it and didn't drink more than a beer every once in a while in my 20's. I had not such a great life growing up but I always wanted better for myself so I didn't abuse drugs or alcohol. My mom died when I was young due to drug related issues and left behind myself and my little sister whom suffered a terminal illness due to my moms drug use. I watched my sis grow up, had a child, took care of her also with my step dad and held it together. Well.... I lost it when my sister died. My family, my friends and my long term BF ran from me within the week that she died. The BF started sleeping with other women immediately so it wasnt an option for me to remain friendly & understanding with him. My whole world fell apart and I went into a very dark depression. I started drinking heavily and if there were drugs I would do that to. I stayed in that mode for about 2 1/2 years until I hit total rock bottom & wanted to kill myself. I got help & began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. At this time the run away BF & I reconnected which at the time I thought was great. I love him very much and spent most of my adult life with him. Well, allthough I had stopped drinking to excess or on a regular basis, sometimes I would have a couple of drinks & the BF liked to partake of the white stuff every once in a while. This started to become the norm & before I knew it I was getting drunk & bringing up everything he's done and how it broke me. He apologized and said everything a person should say, asked me to move in with him and that should have been enough but I still can't let go of the hurt I guess. I mean, he hasn't exactly been the nicest or most patient person considering whats in our past but I have a problem & that is not his fault. I've made the choice to drink, and I seem to want to keep doing it. I mean, until now. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of hating myself the next day for all the horrible things I do & say. I'm sick of the guilt & depression that comes after a drunken episode. All this should have made me stop a year ago but it didn't. I should have never picked up another drink if I felt this way. I don't understand it. I don't know why I'm so weak. I used to be so strong. Well I've finally pushed my BF to the limit with this issue and he no longer wants to continue in our relationship. What is the key to stopping something that you hate but think you need?

Dee74

Hi and welcome GoinginCircles
Boy can I relate to that.

For me the key was support - bringing a recovery network into my fight really helped me turned the whole thing around.

With support, I began to see that other people could live wothj alcohol...and what more they were actually happy about it.

I began to believe, just a little, that maybe I could live that way too.

It's hard - I won't lie to you - I used alcohol for almost every situation you can think of...it's tough in the beginning...but we relearn how to live sober pretty quickly...and you're not alone - we understand

The first step is making a day one, if you haven't already - and think about seeing a Dr if you've been drinking a while - detox can be rough for some of us

I'm glad you've joined us - welcome to SR

D

GoingInCircles

Thank you for your support. I'm grateful for it. Day 1 was yesterday...

DisplacedGRITS

welcome to SR, GoingInCircles. you have to want to stop. saying you need it is an excuse many of us have used. the truth is that we don't. we really, honestly don't. it's the easy out. it's harder to deal with some things without alcohol to numb the pain but what does alcohol really do? it doesn't solve any problems. it doesn't make anything better. it defers problems, adds more and saps away and pride and self esteem we have until we are nothing but a using alcohol who needs to stay drunk because we've forgotten how to deal with things with a sober mind and body. alcohol makes us comfortable and that is the danger. without it, we become uncomfortable but in truth, that is what has to happen because we have to go through that to become sober. we have to relearn how to live without it and that involves dealing with our lives and our issues clear headed. i've heard that the greatest joy and the greatest pain of sobriety is being able to feel feelings. i believe it. personally, i'm going through something right now that i would have used as an excuse in the past to drink. i am uncomfortable and i feel bad. alcohol will numb it. but alcohol will not make those feelings go away. when i sober up, those feelings will be there with a hangover and guilt in tow. so it's either drink and go through that, drink and stay drunk or stay sober and let myself feel this knowing that this will pass eventually.

the key to stopping something that you hate but think you need is admitting that you are wrong about needing it. we all were. focus on what you can do today to stay sober. don't focus on staying sober all week or all month. just what can you do today. sometimes throughout the day we have to break it down by the hour or the minute. i know i did. when you wake up the next day, you do it again. start looking into recovery plans like AA or AVRT. something to guide you so you're not trying to stumble blindly through sobriety. keep coming back here. this is a beautiful place for support and advice.

GoingInCircles

Hi, just need to write. I haven't had a drink since my first post which I'm happy about. But I'm in such emotional pain bc my 12 yr relationship is coming to an end bc of the horrible behavior with the drinking. Now all I want to do take away the pain with alcohol. I don't want to cognitively, but I want to kill the pain. I'm so sad right now and having a hard time hanging on...

regeneration

Hello GoingInCircles... do you have a friend (a sober one) you can go see? Or if not (and I didn't have much support when I first stopped, so don't beat yourself up if you don't) could you go to an AA meeting? Even if not right for you in long term it might help you through tonight. Tell someone there you are struggling if you can go.

Or...I'm not sure what the equivalent of the Samaritans is in the US (we can call them about just about anything and they'll listen) but are there any helplines you can call if needs be?

This is probably the worst you're going to feel, the break-up of a relationship is never great, but don't just blame the break-up all on you... it takes two.

Get through the rest of today, and keep focusing on staying sober. I found when I drunk through pain it didn't solve it in the long term. Keep reaching out to others, either on here, phone, AA meetings or another recovery programme.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're in pain GoinginCircles - a relationship ending is never easy.

Drinking's not the answer tho - take it from me - it won't take the pain away...and will give you a lot more pain besides.

Like others have said, I think support is what you need right now to get you through this

Are you looking for any face to face support?

D

Hevyn

Hello GoingInCircles. Why we keep picking up when it makes us miserable defies logic. It took me a lifetime to finally understand that there was no comfort to be found in those drinks - only hell and chaos. You sound ready to leave that old, sick life behind. I'm sorry you're also having to deal with the end of a relationship. Nothing can be made better or easier by picking up, though - as you already know.

Posting here helps relieve our anxiety - and to know we're among friends who truly understand helps see us through. Someone's here all the time - you're never alone. We care about you and want to see you have a new start.

awuh1

The key is to find something big enough to fill the hole. Big enough to fill the hole left by all things we think we need but turn out in the end to be bad for us, or at the least, not enough.

I don’t know what it will turn out to be for you. For me it turned out to be a sense of spirituality that was bigger than any of the things I had filled my life with previously. When I say spirituality, please do not take this to mean something religious. I believe religion is one thing and spirituality is something different.

AA helped me to get a sense of this but was not responsible for me finding it. I would recommend you go to several meetings and see if this may help. You are dealing with a loss. It’s time to fill the hole.

Sasha4

Circles - welcome to our family! Glad you found us.

I think you have had some profound experiences in your life which must have had a significant impact on you.

I know myself, there are some things and thoughts that I have that affected me and I'm going to always have to work on them. How I deal with them, how I process them, the frequency that I think about them.

If I don't learn to cope with them, then I am always going to turn to drink to numb the pain.
I also know that drinking never makes the problems better and just adds a ton of anxiety into the mix but heck it's taken a long time to learn that and I don't know who long that lesson will stay with me.

I'm sad that your sad right now.I wish I could make things better for you.
Keep coming here.
Let us know how your doing, we will all wonder about you.
Take lots of care of you xxxx

artsoul

Like everyone has already said, drinking can only make it all worse. If you can allow yourself to feel the pain, it will move through much faster. Give yourself the gift of being there for yourself. Look at this part of you as you would a child that's been deeply hurt and needs comfort and reassurance.

I feel for you - this has to be very difficult. Unfortunately, it's a part of life. Instead of dwelling on the past, take it minute by minute, hour by hour and make this about you and your success.

Anna

Please hang in there. I'm sorry your long-term relationship has ended. I want to point out that you're not weak. Alcoholism is not a character defect, it's a disease, and you can recover.

IndaMiricale

Welcome aboard

Looks like you got great advice, keep coming back.

soulgypsy

Welcome, Circles. Circles are my favorite shape--they stand for unity and wholeness. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I am sure of it. I am glad you want to get sober and I am so glad you are here. I wish for you a big dose of that beautiful light tonight!

NoFireWater

Welcome Circles! Dealing with loss is not easy for anyone, but as you have lost very important people in your life it may be even harder for you. I am realizing slowly that I turned to alcohol to numb the pain of losing people close to me. This happened years ago, but it affected my entire life. You are wise to be trying to gain control over it now.

It's normal to be sad, anxious, and fearful at the end of a significant relationship. Listen to music,read books,lose yourself in a movie, anything it takes to not think about the situation for a bit.It will come easier with time.I know it will be easier to deal with minus the roller coaster ride of chaos with the drugs/alcohol added to the mix.

CarolD

Welcome...

Yes it's hard when our dreams die....however ..not all loves
are meant to be forever and some are simply toxic.

Yes I speak from expereince....both about lovers and my drinking
over them. The oddest thing....the men I found so necessary as
a drinker no longer interested me as a sober woman

As you shared....Mr. Charm could talk a sweet game but
actions are more telling of intentions

Hope you remain sober and learn to live with joy...

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR GoingInCircles

You are not weak therefore you drink. Alcohol can literally suck the will to live out of us. It makes us weak. And you absolutely do not need it. That is an illusion.

I think you answered your own question at the start of your post...you need support, and lots of it. Go to your doctors first of. Then look at thing like AA, AVRT, SMART, to help with the addiction side of it. See if you can get some counselling from your doctor. Post on here daily. People here know exactly what you're going through and can offer support and advice. It also helps keep you accountable. Just somewhere to check in at the end of the day to let people know how you're doing x

Try not to dwell on your boyfriend issues for now. It is sometimes easy to confuse length of time with strength of feeling. It took me over 8 years to realise that my relationship with an ex partner was entirely toxic and decided to cut contact completely. I felt a little guilty because of the length of our friendship but they never really had my best interests at heart. It was a destructive relationship which I am better of without.

I hope you find the support you need here x

GoingInCircles

I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my post. It has helped me to hear your words of advice. I still haven't had a drink and I'm taking the advice of just focusing on the day to day process. I'm feeling all kinds of things and it's hard but I'm hoping as you all have said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.