ZiggyB

I'm having a tough evening. Stupidly got on the internet and saw some pictures of my ex, he has a serious drinking problem that I saw escalate and get worse over the past several months. When I think of all of his crazy drama filled behavior, the lying and the pleading from me to get him to stop I know I made the right decision. I wanted us to both stop drinking but I couldn't get him to cut down and it was driving me nuts. There towards the end, he was being really mean to me and picking fights all of the time and the empty bottles would be piling up while his mood swings got worse and worse. I never knew if he would show up when he said he would or if he'd be finding excuses due to being hungover or being drunk no matter what time of day it was. My friends and family all say I am better off, but why does it hurt so much? Because he really loves drinking more than he loves me?

He's the crazy party animal with the bunches of boozy friends and I'm the one with the social anxiety issues sitting here feeling sorry for myself that he's gone. I know it makes no sense, but when he wasn't drinking so much he was the most wonderful guy. He told me he was trying for moderation but he [evidently] just isn't able to do it. I went to talk to a therapist about it and she said whatever he has been doing makes no sense because the disease is controlling him now. She suggested al-anon but since we ended things a few weeks back I don't know if it makes sense for me to go or not.

When I think of how we broke up and his screaming and rage, throwing things around it was terrifying and it still wounds me to the core. I can't believe anyone would be so angry at me.

I'm feeling so low it's enough to make me want to start drinking myself, but fortunately I know that would be a terrible idea, especially in the state of mind I am in. Thanks for letting me vent....

sweetteewalls

I had a scene like that with my AH, now separated. It hurts so much to think of the drama we've been through. Right now that we are separated, the best thing is that I'm in control of my days and nights now. Such awful fights verbal and physical occurred and I can't believe what's transpired. I need healing and can't dwell on the past. Its easy to get sucked in. I know. Just try to think about something else, something positive...

JustaBloke

I feel ya. Be strong! No drinking for me tonight either, just self reflection with my dog, and my AXGF I'm sure is out partying.

I don't get how they can say such horrible things, it so foreign to me. I would never say the things alcoholics do. I don't get how they can throw people away either. Even though it's tough, it has to make us stronger! Has to!

Smile a bit, just for no reason, it may help, but I'm no dr.

ZiggyB

yeah I definitely do not miss the drama, furthermore the problems with him were making me totally unproductive and I was messing up at work. I know things will get easier in time, I need to stop dwelling on the past also and focus on what I need to do instead of what he's doing...

Seren

Hi Ziggy!

I'm relieved to know you are safely away from a man who, frankly, sounds abusive. I am sorry you are hurting. It's OK to grieve about the loss of what you thought the relationship would be.

I hope today will be a better day, and you will begin to feel better and better with time!

marie1960

I still think of that "wonderful guy" too.

I had to get it thru my thick skull that he was no longer the person I once knew.

He is now consumed by the disease, and is no longer able to be in a relationship. He truly has absolutely nothing to offer, and I deserve to live a life free of addiction.

Hugs to you))))

ZiggyB

Thanks for your kind words. Yes he was abusive at times, other times he could be great but his behavior was having a negative impact on me. I did have hopes for our relationship so that does make it hard. When he wasn't drinking he was utterly charming.

ZiggyB

Thanks Marie,
He went into a downward spiral and I hope he can get himself out of it but I'm also glad I don't have to deal with his behavior anymore. I noticed he put his online dating profile back up recently and I feel sorry for the next woman who crosses his path.

KelE

Your question about going to Al-anon even though you are broken up........I really think you would find it helpful. It's about you right now. Has less to do with him. I think you should go a couple of times at least. Sometimes even if the "A" is out of the picture we can still be broken and Codependency can pop up in future experiences in our life. Al-anon is not what I thought, you may be surprised at what the premise is, I know I was.

Tuffgirl

This is intermittent reinforcement. It's a control tactic, and as you can see here, it works.

It worked for me too - for a while. When I finally was able to step out of my own fantasy and into reality and recognize this stuff for what it really is, I was able to let go of a lot of the 'missing him' stuff.

I had a lot of hopes for my marriage, but I am damn relieved for all of this to be over because the last thing I need in my life is a controlling, sanctimonious ahole, which is what he is, when he is not pulling out the charm.

You see, I'd rather have an occasional ahole who knows how to take personal responsibility for his issues and the rest of the time is charming, kind, and fun to be around. It really is that simple.

ZiggyB

I agree, I'm not saying I want him back and the ugliness of the past few months has been enough to keep my mind focused on the bad stuff. He was charming but he was also a complete a*hole. Typical jekyll and hyde type stuff. On top of that I believe he was a narcissist because he never though he had any problems and would not seek out help from anywhere. I admit I had to look up the term "intermittent reinforcement" - it sounds like a psychological mind game. Are they doing it on purpose, I wonder? I always just thought the drinking made him irritable and annoying.

Anyway, I think the missing him part is now just coming as a result of the 3 years being over and me having to deal with life on my own again. I know I need to find someone who is more emotionally stable, if not being on my own is far more preferable. Thanks.

Tuffgirl

I don't think its on purpose, just a controlling tactic controllers use that works well.

I use it on my dogs as I train them to be off leash. When I call them and they come immediately to me, they get a yummy treat. Then, I call and sometimes they get a yummy treat, but sometimes its a pat on the head instead. The action from them remains the same - but they don't know when they will get that treat so they come when I call them - every time!

It's insidious...one minute controllers are super kind, charming, etc. The next they are angry, sullen, even violent. But then are kind, charming, etc again the next. It works, so they continue. Until it stops working. And then its all your fault! ; )

Controlling people tend to have a large arsenal of behaviors that get them the result they seek. This is one of the more common. I doubt he does it with malice and forethought...it is probably all he knows how to do.