Hope87

OK, I'm going to throw this out there regardless...This is gonna be a long one so much love and appreciation to those who make it through..

I currently live with my AF (addicted Fiance). We have been together for 4 yrs and engaged for 2. When I met him he was clean, doing meetings and living in a recovery home, working a program. I didn't know much about addiction and was never really exposed to anything like it.

He told me everything about himself in the the beginning but my stupid heart and open mind let me to see a great guy and hope that he would be ok. About a year after we moved into our apt I noticed a change in him so started doing everything in the book you're not supposed to...looked through his phone, checked phone records, started questioning his quick trips out, people he was friending, looking for stuff and eventually found evidence to all my convictions.

My AF is a herion/opiate user. Got to the point where he finally talked to me about if after finding his stash and he decided to do methadone and I was fine with it. To be honest, things went back to normal for a good year and half he was on it. Life was good again and my hope renewed. He asked me to marry him and things were good and I was confident enough about him at the time to say yes! It was such and exciting time and planning the wedding... I was happy!

Flash forward to Jan 2012. He and his dad were in the process of running a heating/cooling business together that they started around maybe Nov 2010. This past Jan, Feb and March their business was absolutely dead and he did nothing but sit around the house. We all have blah days of doing nothing but I was starting to get upset leaving for work, he's in bed, come home he's in bed, do everything around the damn house myself so that's when things started to get ******. At this point he was off methadone and on suboxone. Still he was ok but like I said this jan he just started getting lazy and that turned into him getting depressed, hating himself whatever. And it was like pulling teeth to get him to sit down and discuss any wedding planning. I was angry and frustrated.

Well, end of march beginning of April he decided to come off suboxone and that wasn't pretty. Up all night unable to sleep, wanting to die, telling me to leave, being nasty and miserable. It was awful. I kept telling him...go get help, go get help. His response, I don't have insurance, my response take the wedding money and get straightened out cause there's not going to be a wedding unless you get yourself under control.

Around Easter he started a regular full time job and still has the personal business on the side. His bank account is through me so I have access to his banking account. Every paycheck (on Fridays) since he has been with this job...here's bill money (which he gives to me) and then about $10.00 in his account come monday or tuesday. I knew then what was going on. Then his new best friend out of no where is the recovering junkie across the street who is on house arrest. He talks to this kid all day every day. And he knows how much I hate those people across the street cause the cops are always there and I don't want involved in whatever drama and trouble they have going on over there. Then there was his new buddy at work who was giving him free weed. I mean his first day of work he comes home with a joint...I'm like really...AF-"well if I get offered free pot once in a while, I'm not going to turn it down". What a great friend....


Then this is where the ball explodes...his dad is then diagnosed with cancer around the middle/end of April, was given 6 months and passed away on Memorial day. His dad was his best friend and this happened so fast. This time period was the most horrible I think I have experienced in all my life. Trying to comfort the one I love and all he did was push me away and tell me to leave him alone, he did find though comfort in his ex who he has a kid with and also comfort in drugs. I knew he was going to use..it wasn't even a question. I also loved his dad so much and had no comfort of my own during this time. I was left without my love and compaion during his darkest of days. Days turned into him doing his thing and me doing my own thing. It was just sad and devistating. It was like there was nothing I could say or do to comfort him and that itself tore me apart. Nothing I did was right and he was so mean and nasty during this period. Can't recall all the times he threatened to leave and called of the wedding.....


Then I have everyone asking me about wedding plans (we were supposed to get married Oct 2012 so it was kinda close) and so much pressure about making things, what can they do, etc....I just wanted to snap...supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and it was living in hell.

So a week or two after his father passed, he finally told me he was using and wanted to go back on suboxone. Told me where his money was going when he was draining his account and his personal business account he shared with his dad, since his dad wasn't around anymore to keep tabs, well he drained that too. He also went out and told his mom. I don't think she even knew about his other relapse and being on methadone but I think he told her about that too. So between the doctors and suboxone that was a small fortune. That lasted one trip. Then his BFF junkie friend from across the street (what a great guy) found someone he knows that my AF can get it from cheaper. Did I care at first...no. Then he still on the phone with this idiot all day every day and his paychecks are still being drained! Paid on friday...broke by monday/tuesday! Unreal!!! His excuse is he needs to replace money in his personal business account and needs to be able to keep up with the bills associated with that account. I would also like to add the fact that he is working over time at his regular job like crazy (with it being so hot) and running and doing all these jobs for his personal business so I never see him and we hardly do anything anymore cause he's either never home or too tired when he is home. His regular job I get but to run around busting your butt for the personal business just to keep up with bills sounds like pretty much working for free and my fiance don't do that. And if you have to drain what's left of your paycheck to run that business ...especially when you know we need money to pay for a wedding...sure don't make no sense to me!!! But that's his story...they put to much into the business to close it down...yeah, ok...whatever!

So just this last weekend we were supposed to go flea market shopping Sunday morning. Something we used to have fun doing. Of course he was too tired to do that so we didn't go. I was so pissed...whatever so I started doing house work and gathering laundry. Get in the basement and in his shorts pocket there's the needle, spoon and herion packs in his pocket. I nearly ran upstairs and got sick. Shouldn't come as a shock but ok, it did a little bit for me. I sat and cried and just took everything in and began to think. When he got up I went in the house and showed him where it was sitting on the table and of course i'm a piece of sh** and I'm wrong for doing his laundry...ya know. Got my girls (3 wonderful dogs) and went to my parents for the day to try to clear my head. And he kept texting me and after it taking me several times of asking him about what I found...you know he was holding it for his BFF junkie's wife cause the cops where there the day before and it's up to my fiance to save them.

And the the best part is I come home... nothing. And Monday and Tuesday I couldn't stop crying enough to make it to work so I stayed home just thinking and he's just bebopping around like nothing is wrong. Truely addition is blinding too I guess.

2 or 3 weeks ago I postponed the wedding on my own since I tried talking to him about it for the uptenith time and that lasted about 5 min since he never has the time to deal with it.

I get where I am here folks. I just wanted to get this out. I'm not saying any of my behavior here is right it's just me...I'm human and learning. I'm not there yet but think I'm close to the point of telling him to leave. I should've just been done with it on Sunday when this all happened. However I will not lie...I still love him. We have done so much together and there was so much to look forward to and it is tearing me to shreds. I still have to pick up a wedding dress that I was excited for him to see me in and I may never use. It's just one extreme to this. We are also a two income house and I need to figure out how I'm going to make this work. I can't lose the house because I don't know of many apts that are going to allow me 3 dogs and I would rather live on the streets or die than lose them. They are the only little faces I have left in my life that make me so happy Part of me wonders how I'm gonna go on or move on from here but then another part of me says you'll be fine. Even a small part of me looks forward to going out and having a normal companionship with someone again. I just don't know. There's so much comfort and formiliarty with my AF. He isn't a bad person, he just needs to get clean again, work his program and seek couseling. He hates himself so much and I firmly see now how you cannot love another if you don't have any love and respect for yourself. However, I find myself to the point where I don't trust him any more and have to question everything he says or does. This is not normal. The other part that kills me is I just love his family. If I was to want to marry into a family...they would be it. They have been nothing but welcoming and loving since day one.

One question I will ask...should I go to his mom and tell her what's been going on? I know she's been through a lot but I kinda feel I should tell her...feel she should know.

Thanks so much if you made it this far. I know this is all familiar/old news to a lot of you folks. I just need an ear to listen and some support and a little understanding. I just worry that I won't be strong enough and I need some time to financially and mentally prepare for what I know is the right thing to do. I just can't believe I allowed myself to get in this situation in the first place....I hate myself for it. But I am here and it's for some reason...Thanks so much again for listening....

interrupted

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. It sounds like you know what you will have to do, you're just waiting to find the resolve to move forward.

For me, sometimes it helps to think about how you want to live and how you want to feel if he never gets better and never stops using. That is, if things were always going to be the way they are now, how would you proceed? Because you can't change him and he has chosen heroin. My sister chose heroin, too.

Give the pups some love from me, dogs are the best, I have two myself.

outtolunch

Whew !
What a learning opportunity this turned into, eh.

He's a drug addict doing what addicts do, just about the furthest thing from the hopeful fantasy of the man you need and want.

There's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who stick it out.

Given he's not a child, what is your motivation for wanting to tell his mom? There is nothing you or his mom can do or say that's going to get and keep him sober. Recovery is 100% an inside job and apparently he's not interested in recovery.

You can get a roommate to share the cost of the house. You will be OK.

P.S. Please get yourself checked out for Hep, HIV and STDs. There's no telling what he has been sharing and poking.

Katiekate

I hate myself for it This has to stop, honey, no hating yourself.

Should you tell his mom, I don't know, why do you want to tell her????

You are in deep, it's going to take sometime to work you way out of this, but cancelling the wedding was very courageous and I'm sure very hard.

What are you getting for support for you? Al anon, counseling. It seems you totally are aware of what you are dealing with.

You AF sounds like a train wreck, he needs to figure his crap out on his own.

Sounds like it's time to make it about you and not about him.

Hang on to those puppies, I'm so glad you have them. xo

Hope87

thanks everyone for listening....I do plan to get checked not that sex was really a part of our relationship but I do know to take care of myself regardless. I am also seeing a phychiatrist cause I started there in the first place since I have passed down anxieity issues. I am so thankful for my girls and would NEVER let him take them away from me. They are all I have and they are my world . As far as telling his mom...is it to tell on him..no. It's more to make her aware. Not that she thinks we are getting married, postponed the wedding then I'm telling her son he has to leave. It's more to let her know what's going on so it wouldn't come as a surprise to her. I don't know how much she knows about what's going on. In my mind, I think she just figured things have been fine with us and we are just postponing due his dad passing....know what I mean. That's the only reason I feel I need to talk to her about it. I have gone to a nar anon meeting and was so nervous. All I was told was to run as far as I can. And it was a lot of crying and sad stories. I know this is the life of living with an addict but my first time being there and being nervous as is...it was just a little overwhelming and I still had hope for us at that point so I never went back

SeekingGrowth

Hope, I feel so bad for you. Your story is so familiar - whether it's an addicted husband, boyfriend, son or daughter, the behaviors are the same. The drained bank accounts, large sums of money disappearing within days, the lies, excuses, and rationalizations. The accusations. I've been there with my son. We've all been there and know how incredibly painful it is. Of course you did the right thing in postponing the wedding. You can't marry an active heroin addict - the consequences of trying to have a relationship with a person in that condition are just too devastating. Even if he were to decide he wanted to pursue recovery tomorrow, you'd want to give it a good year before you could feel any kind of security that the recovery would last.

Do you have anything of value in the home that you share with your AF? There's a really high likelihood of stealing to raise additional funds to support his habit. My AS stole over $600 worth of jewelry from me, piece by piece, and pawned it. I never would have imagined that he would do such a thing, and I believe he was truly ashamed for doing it, but he did it anyway. He was a heroin addict, too. It's pretty common behavior.

Hang in there. You've got some tough decisions to make, but it sounds like you are on the right track. I know how torn up you are; I was, too. Like you, I saw and KNEW how things could be. I knew his potential, and it was great. Unfortunately, like your AF, HE didn't see it, and there was nothing I could do or say to change that.

Hugs and prayers.

SeekingGrowth

One more thing. You said that you are close with his family. I think that if I were you, I would tell his mother. If I was his mother, I would want to know. It would allow her to be on guard and perhaps be aware of behaviors that are addict manipulations. It may prevent enabling that she would otherwise unknowingly, unwittingly engage in. I wish that I had know what was going on with my AS sooner than I did, but there was no one to give me a heads up. I would have been smarter if I had known, learned more about addiction sooner, been less often manipulated, and enabled less. Would that have changed anything? Made him hit bottom faster, maybe? I don't know. But it makes sense to me that the people who care about him should know what's going on so that they can do the "right" things, and not be easily manipulated or enable his addiction unwittingly.

kmangel

My husband and I didn't know the extent of the drug abuse of our son before he went to rehab (he was court ordered). He had been living away from home out of state for four years. We did have an idea of him abusing drugs, but not to the extent it had gotten to. We would have figured it all out once he was in rehab if his girlfriend hadn't first given us a head's up. His girl friend called to tell me and my husband that he was addicted and needed help. He was rapidly going down the tubes and she was afraid for him. We knew he had a problem but she said it was a much more serious problem than we thought. A couple days after that she found needles on their bed so she called us again and said she suspected our son was also using heroin (it was the first she knew he had progressed to heroin herself).

Am I glad she confided in us? Yes. We still had no idea what to expect at the time. We would have known less had we been in the dark. I remember my husband wanting to rush down to get our son and haul him back home with us (we lived out of state from our son). I didn't think hauling an addict back home in our car was such a good idea. My husband hadn't considered what it might mean to be transporting an addict back home with us. Not knowing how much in trouble he was at the time might have caused a lot more problems for my husband and me. We were able to make wiser decisions knowing the truth.