my experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: weymouth, ma
Posts: 10
my experience
I'm afraid of the "firsts" without drugs and alcohol. I'm 22 years old. i should be able to have a drink with my friends on a saturday night over dinner, then go home to my boyfriend. but no. i want more. and more. i want to do drugs, any type, i don't care what type it is. one is never enough. i end up getting wasted, embarrassing myself and my friends, and then by the time i get home, which is a blessing that i didn't kill myself or someone else, I'm passed out wherever i happen to land. Everyday things are hard. driving is huge. its even a trigger, which is so messed up. every time i drove though, i was either drunk or high or going to get drunk or high. it feels so weird driving sober. i have 15 days sober today. got home from rehab friday, almost a week ago. figured stuff would get easier, but its not.
The people i used with quickly became family. i loved everything about drinking and drugs. i loved the fact that i was doing something illegal, it appealed to me, and still kinda does. i don't know why. I was with my dealer and his family every single day, doing the same thing, but expecting results. i remember feeling anxious when we were nearing the end of the night, meaning the drugs and alcohol were put away for the night, and i had to go home. I would smoke a huge blunt with my dealer, sometimes just the two of us, and i would feel anxious when it was halfway gone. so id buy a few things, then go home and continue to get high for the rest of the day/night. and then do it all over the next day, when i finally woke up at 2 in the afternoon. the messed up thing is that i would drive home, a good 20 minutes, drunk out of my mind, and high as a kite. and i didn't care. i was absolutely fearless, didn't care if i was killed, or if i got pulled over. I totally thought i was cool, which i wasn't. all i cared about was getting as high as i could with my dealer, then getting home 20 minutes later just to get high again, when i was already high.
In the last few months of my using, i didn't even want to party with people anymore. It was embarrassing and shameful to want to drink and smoke so much. I couldn't pay my cell phone bill, and that was the only bill i had. Each month, leading up to the first of the month, when it was due, i would say "okay, this month its gonna be different, I'm gonna pay my bill." and i believed it. id say "I'm gonna cut down this week, so i have the measly 50 bucks to pay this bill". But it never happened, and i subconsciously kinda knew that. I would literally, consciously, go to my dealer's with mad money, thinking ill just buy 2 today, and then walk out 10 minutes later with 4. no money left. sometimes i'd even have to "front" from him. this huge 6 foot something grown man with a ton of money and weapons and guns. he had daughters, his wife, friends, who could come and kick my butt and kill me if i didn't pay him, but i didn't care. all i cared about was THAT moment, THAT day, THAT high. if i had what i considered a good amount on me, and a few cigarettes, i was on cloud 9. I thought i was happy, and i was, temporarily. in the beginning, it was fun, so much. to feel apart of something, and to be able to escape from everything, even if it was only for a few hours. towards the end though, in the last few months, i needed it. absolutely needed it. i wouldn't get out of bed the next morning if i didn't have anything to get me high or drunk. id wait until my mother got home from work, 5 or 6 pm, and then id go out all night.
I was terrified, absolutely terrified to quit, even to cut down was a nightmare. or it sounded like one. i never did cut down, except for the last 2 days before i went to detox/rehab, and my mom wouldn't let me use her car anymore, which i totally understand now. i was pissed then though. i just wanted one more night, one more, to go out and get wasted, forget my name, and possibly kill myself or someone else.
I knew that if i didn't get help when i did, i would be much worse very soon. i never have used heroin, and I'm terrified of needles. but my dealer had it. he had everything, and would have given me anything i asked for. i know that in little to no time, i would become a heroin user on the streets prostituting my body for drugs. i was snorting pills, i didn't even ask anymore what they were and what i owed, and how much i took. i just wanted to get higher, faster. Ive never been arrested, i don't have any legal issues, any kids, nothing. and i view that as a blessing. theres many times, so many times, pretty much every single day of my life for almost a year where i was doing illegal things and i should have gotten arrested. cheating, stealing, lying, doing drugs in parks where little kids are, drinking and driving. i was spending so much money, money i didn't even have, but i didn't even care.
I went to rehab on tuesday, july 3 of this year. detox was, and still is, a blur. i don't remember it all all. i was drunk and high though. coming off all this stuff was horrible though. I'm still dealing with the physical symptoms i feel like. I'm depressed, i don't do anything all day, because i couldn't pay my car insurance bill, so they took it. so i don't have a car, or a job, because i can't pass a drug test at the moment either. thats why i need everybody's help. listen to me, ill listen to you. were here to help each other, right?
The people i used with quickly became family. i loved everything about drinking and drugs. i loved the fact that i was doing something illegal, it appealed to me, and still kinda does. i don't know why. I was with my dealer and his family every single day, doing the same thing, but expecting results. i remember feeling anxious when we were nearing the end of the night, meaning the drugs and alcohol were put away for the night, and i had to go home. I would smoke a huge blunt with my dealer, sometimes just the two of us, and i would feel anxious when it was halfway gone. so id buy a few things, then go home and continue to get high for the rest of the day/night. and then do it all over the next day, when i finally woke up at 2 in the afternoon. the messed up thing is that i would drive home, a good 20 minutes, drunk out of my mind, and high as a kite. and i didn't care. i was absolutely fearless, didn't care if i was killed, or if i got pulled over. I totally thought i was cool, which i wasn't. all i cared about was getting as high as i could with my dealer, then getting home 20 minutes later just to get high again, when i was already high.
In the last few months of my using, i didn't even want to party with people anymore. It was embarrassing and shameful to want to drink and smoke so much. I couldn't pay my cell phone bill, and that was the only bill i had. Each month, leading up to the first of the month, when it was due, i would say "okay, this month its gonna be different, I'm gonna pay my bill." and i believed it. id say "I'm gonna cut down this week, so i have the measly 50 bucks to pay this bill". But it never happened, and i subconsciously kinda knew that. I would literally, consciously, go to my dealer's with mad money, thinking ill just buy 2 today, and then walk out 10 minutes later with 4. no money left. sometimes i'd even have to "front" from him. this huge 6 foot something grown man with a ton of money and weapons and guns. he had daughters, his wife, friends, who could come and kick my butt and kill me if i didn't pay him, but i didn't care. all i cared about was THAT moment, THAT day, THAT high. if i had what i considered a good amount on me, and a few cigarettes, i was on cloud 9. I thought i was happy, and i was, temporarily. in the beginning, it was fun, so much. to feel apart of something, and to be able to escape from everything, even if it was only for a few hours. towards the end though, in the last few months, i needed it. absolutely needed it. i wouldn't get out of bed the next morning if i didn't have anything to get me high or drunk. id wait until my mother got home from work, 5 or 6 pm, and then id go out all night.
I was terrified, absolutely terrified to quit, even to cut down was a nightmare. or it sounded like one. i never did cut down, except for the last 2 days before i went to detox/rehab, and my mom wouldn't let me use her car anymore, which i totally understand now. i was pissed then though. i just wanted one more night, one more, to go out and get wasted, forget my name, and possibly kill myself or someone else.
I knew that if i didn't get help when i did, i would be much worse very soon. i never have used heroin, and I'm terrified of needles. but my dealer had it. he had everything, and would have given me anything i asked for. i know that in little to no time, i would become a heroin user on the streets prostituting my body for drugs. i was snorting pills, i didn't even ask anymore what they were and what i owed, and how much i took. i just wanted to get higher, faster. Ive never been arrested, i don't have any legal issues, any kids, nothing. and i view that as a blessing. theres many times, so many times, pretty much every single day of my life for almost a year where i was doing illegal things and i should have gotten arrested. cheating, stealing, lying, doing drugs in parks where little kids are, drinking and driving. i was spending so much money, money i didn't even have, but i didn't even care.
I went to rehab on tuesday, july 3 of this year. detox was, and still is, a blur. i don't remember it all all. i was drunk and high though. coming off all this stuff was horrible though. I'm still dealing with the physical symptoms i feel like. I'm depressed, i don't do anything all day, because i couldn't pay my car insurance bill, so they took it. so i don't have a car, or a job, because i can't pass a drug test at the moment either. thats why i need everybody's help. listen to me, ill listen to you. were here to help each other, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 44
At this point there is nothing you can do about the past. I think we all would like to go back in time to make different decisions, but it isn't going to happen. Count your blessings that nothing terrible happened all those times that you were driving under the influence. Also, count your blessings that you are making a change at 22 instead of 62.
For me, it has been helpful to try to get back into things that I used to do before drugs. When I was using I had only one hobby and that was getting high. I can totally relate to you when you say that you didn't want to party with other people. I almost always partied solo. Who wants to share anyway?
For a while I solely focused on not using drugs, but that started to get old pretty quick. I had a sense of loss like my best friend in the world had died, and I really couldn't imagine living life without drugs. When I thought back on my life almost every single happy experience that I could remember were centered on drugs - getting drunk / high with high school friends, getting baked in college, the first time I shot dope. I knew that if I was going to have a chance I needed to change that. I needed to relearn how to be happy without drugs.
Some of the things that I came up with were taking music back up, exercising, and getting back to my religion. It still has been a tough road, and I am only 4 1/2 months along.
Maybe there are things you used to do before the drugs that you can take back up. If not, try to find something new that you would be interested in. If you are struggling to find old or new things to get into then an NA meeting may be helpful.
I hope this helps.
For me, it has been helpful to try to get back into things that I used to do before drugs. When I was using I had only one hobby and that was getting high. I can totally relate to you when you say that you didn't want to party with other people. I almost always partied solo. Who wants to share anyway?
For a while I solely focused on not using drugs, but that started to get old pretty quick. I had a sense of loss like my best friend in the world had died, and I really couldn't imagine living life without drugs. When I thought back on my life almost every single happy experience that I could remember were centered on drugs - getting drunk / high with high school friends, getting baked in college, the first time I shot dope. I knew that if I was going to have a chance I needed to change that. I needed to relearn how to be happy without drugs.
Some of the things that I came up with were taking music back up, exercising, and getting back to my religion. It still has been a tough road, and I am only 4 1/2 months along.
Maybe there are things you used to do before the drugs that you can take back up. If not, try to find something new that you would be interested in. If you are struggling to find old or new things to get into then an NA meeting may be helpful.
I hope this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: weymouth, ma
Posts: 10
thank you, this definitely has helped, makes me realize that I'm not the only one. sometimes i feel so guilty and sometimes i feel as if theres nothing to do that is going to be fun unless doing drugs beforehand. i totally can relate to you when you talked about the "best friend dying"
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