Wedding dilemma - alcoholic mother
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 1
Wedding dilemma - alcoholic mother
Hi All
I am new to this forum, and thought I would join for some support from other people who understand the trials and tribulations of being a child of an alcoholic.
I also have a massive dilemma at the moment, which is totally eating me up inside, and wondered if I could get any impartial advice from people who understand my situation well.
I am getting married in September. My dilemma is, do I invite my mum? She has been an alcoholic for 15 years, ruined several occasions and some of my family do not speak to her (including one of my sisters, who cannot forgive her for what has gone on in the past). I can't get past this dilemma right now. It's affecting my wedding plans, as I'm starting to bury my head in the sand a bit when I know I need to make a decision
I knew it was never going to be easy. Mum has her ups and downs. Most of this year has been a down in fact. She's been in police custody three times, my younger (14yr old) sister is living with her Dad as a result of mum's addiction and she has had countless relationship issues with men.
I live in a different part of the country to mum now, but last time I saw her in June, she had had a drink. She wasn't drunk, but she had definitely had a drink (you just know, don't you?!)
However, having spoken to her on the phone recently, she is sounding like she's on the up at the moment. I rang her with the intention of telling her she wasn't invited, after seeing her in June...but she was so 'up' that I couldn't do it, I couldn't drag her down again.
In my heart of hearts, being utterly selfish, I would rather she wasn't at my wedding. I will be more on edge on what is already a tough day for the old nerves. However, I don't know what's worse - taking the risk of inviting her, being a bit edgy and her possibly ruining my day, or the intense guilt I will feel for not inviting her, and she is my mum after all...
She has given me her word that she will 'behave.' She has acknowledged the fact she is an alcoholic, which is a step in the right direction. She has admitted, to an extent, that she is responsible for her behaviour...BUT she is still shifting the blame onto others as she always does (i.e. "this man was bad for me"; "my Dad is the root of the problem" etc etc)
My sister (the one who doesn't speak to her) has gone crazy at me for even considering inviting her. But I believe in forgiveness; she doesn't appear to!
Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? I know nobody can make the decision but me, but am seeking some advice from objective people who don't have any connection to me or my family.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I had to describe the pros/cons etc and give a bit of background to paint the picture of what I am trying to decide.
It would be easier if she was a friend or even an aunt...but can I cut my own mother out of my wedding?!
Xx
I am new to this forum, and thought I would join for some support from other people who understand the trials and tribulations of being a child of an alcoholic.
I also have a massive dilemma at the moment, which is totally eating me up inside, and wondered if I could get any impartial advice from people who understand my situation well.
I am getting married in September. My dilemma is, do I invite my mum? She has been an alcoholic for 15 years, ruined several occasions and some of my family do not speak to her (including one of my sisters, who cannot forgive her for what has gone on in the past). I can't get past this dilemma right now. It's affecting my wedding plans, as I'm starting to bury my head in the sand a bit when I know I need to make a decision
I knew it was never going to be easy. Mum has her ups and downs. Most of this year has been a down in fact. She's been in police custody three times, my younger (14yr old) sister is living with her Dad as a result of mum's addiction and she has had countless relationship issues with men.
I live in a different part of the country to mum now, but last time I saw her in June, she had had a drink. She wasn't drunk, but she had definitely had a drink (you just know, don't you?!)
However, having spoken to her on the phone recently, she is sounding like she's on the up at the moment. I rang her with the intention of telling her she wasn't invited, after seeing her in June...but she was so 'up' that I couldn't do it, I couldn't drag her down again.
In my heart of hearts, being utterly selfish, I would rather she wasn't at my wedding. I will be more on edge on what is already a tough day for the old nerves. However, I don't know what's worse - taking the risk of inviting her, being a bit edgy and her possibly ruining my day, or the intense guilt I will feel for not inviting her, and she is my mum after all...
She has given me her word that she will 'behave.' She has acknowledged the fact she is an alcoholic, which is a step in the right direction. She has admitted, to an extent, that she is responsible for her behaviour...BUT she is still shifting the blame onto others as she always does (i.e. "this man was bad for me"; "my Dad is the root of the problem" etc etc)
My sister (the one who doesn't speak to her) has gone crazy at me for even considering inviting her. But I believe in forgiveness; she doesn't appear to!
Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do? I know nobody can make the decision but me, but am seeking some advice from objective people who don't have any connection to me or my family.
Sorry for the length of this post, but I had to describe the pros/cons etc and give a bit of background to paint the picture of what I am trying to decide.
It would be easier if she was a friend or even an aunt...but can I cut my own mother out of my wedding?!
Xx
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I haven't been in your situation, but in any situation, I think you have the right to set your boundaries. And especially at your wedding, you have the right to invite who you want.
I don't like that your sister is trying to pressure you. At your wedding, it is everybody else's responsibility to set their own differences aside so that your day can be what you want it to be. Nobody should be pressuring you to do anything. Proper etiquette for a wedding is that if you can't handle seeing one of the other guests, you send your regrets and a gift -- period.
One of my best friends got married the year after her alcoholic dad left her mom for a much younger (also alcoholic) woman. The parents both were at the wedding and interacted civilly when they couldn't avoid to. She had her husband's brother assigned to the alcoholic dad to make sure he didn't get too drunk and that he was escorted back to his hotel room before he could start trouble.
I don't like that your sister is trying to pressure you. At your wedding, it is everybody else's responsibility to set their own differences aside so that your day can be what you want it to be. Nobody should be pressuring you to do anything. Proper etiquette for a wedding is that if you can't handle seeing one of the other guests, you send your regrets and a gift -- period.
One of my best friends got married the year after her alcoholic dad left her mom for a much younger (also alcoholic) woman. The parents both were at the wedding and interacted civilly when they couldn't avoid to. She had her husband's brother assigned to the alcoholic dad to make sure he didn't get too drunk and that he was escorted back to his hotel room before he could start trouble.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I understand your struggle. My husband invited his mom to our wedding (not an A, but they have a tumultuous history) on the condition that she not bring her husband (with whom he has an even more tumultuous history) and that she would not be acting as the traditional mother of the groom in the ceremony. It was an olive branch that he extended to her...and she declined. Looking back, it was best that she was not there, because it was a great party, and the stress of having her there & creating drama would have ruined the day.
Your wedding day is yours. Invite who you want to! If you want her there, invite her...if you don't, then don't feel guilty about including just those people who you want to share in your special day. And while it's hard, don't let others pressure you into making a choice that you don't want to make.
Congrats on your impending wedding!!
Your wedding day is yours. Invite who you want to! If you want her there, invite her...if you don't, then don't feel guilty about including just those people who you want to share in your special day. And while it's hard, don't let others pressure you into making a choice that you don't want to make.
Congrats on your impending wedding!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
So really you know your mom is 99% likely to be an a** at the wedding.
For some reason I'm thinking of your husband-to-be. Apart from your own feelings, it's not fair to him to have a crazy MIL ruin his wedding. Maybe the wedding can be a good opportunity to set new strong boundaries with your mom (and sister!), to give them the message that your new family unit comes first. You're going to have these same worries around alcoholic mom at holidays, when and if babies come, etc., so it'll probably good to lay down the law now. Your new family comes first and they'll have to deal.
I was going to suggest inviting her, and then recruiting a cousin or something to be an informal sort of bouncer, to get her out of there if she drinks too much, but then I was like, WHAT? No! Why are you having to run around doing crisis management? You already know she's going to be a nut. If her feelings are hurt about not being invited, too bad. That's what happens when you lose people's trust.
For some reason I'm thinking of your husband-to-be. Apart from your own feelings, it's not fair to him to have a crazy MIL ruin his wedding. Maybe the wedding can be a good opportunity to set new strong boundaries with your mom (and sister!), to give them the message that your new family unit comes first. You're going to have these same worries around alcoholic mom at holidays, when and if babies come, etc., so it'll probably good to lay down the law now. Your new family comes first and they'll have to deal.
I was going to suggest inviting her, and then recruiting a cousin or something to be an informal sort of bouncer, to get her out of there if she drinks too much, but then I was like, WHAT? No! Why are you having to run around doing crisis management? You already know she's going to be a nut. If her feelings are hurt about not being invited, too bad. That's what happens when you lose people's trust.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My Brother in Law just got married in May.
His wifes father is a terrible active A, and on Brother In Laws side ,the alcohol gene is rampant.
They chose to have the wedding in their home state, which is different from where everyone else lives. This weeded out a lot of the frings family members who would not travel for a wedding.
Second: They made the VERY wise decision to have a limited bar(just wine and beer, no liquor), and to limit the bar operation times.(It was open for cocktail hour after the ceremony, then reopened after dinner for 2 hours.)
They had the option of extended bar hours, but did not want the wedding to turn into a slosh fest, or to have the father (who was well lit and blacked out at the rehearsal dinner night before, anyway) of the bride be able to get too loaded.
Well, I spoke to them yesterday, and they could not have been happier. Aside form the rehearsal dinner, all went beautifully, with people leaving with a little buzz, instaed of frat party type drunkeness.
It was one of the most pleasant weddings I have ever attended.
They just made the decision, because it is their decision to make, and there were a few people who made snidely remarks about the limited bar options. But, you know what?
they had a beatiful day.
His wifes father is a terrible active A, and on Brother In Laws side ,the alcohol gene is rampant.
They chose to have the wedding in their home state, which is different from where everyone else lives. This weeded out a lot of the frings family members who would not travel for a wedding.
Second: They made the VERY wise decision to have a limited bar(just wine and beer, no liquor), and to limit the bar operation times.(It was open for cocktail hour after the ceremony, then reopened after dinner for 2 hours.)
They had the option of extended bar hours, but did not want the wedding to turn into a slosh fest, or to have the father (who was well lit and blacked out at the rehearsal dinner night before, anyway) of the bride be able to get too loaded.
Well, I spoke to them yesterday, and they could not have been happier. Aside form the rehearsal dinner, all went beautifully, with people leaving with a little buzz, instaed of frat party type drunkeness.
It was one of the most pleasant weddings I have ever attended.
They just made the decision, because it is their decision to make, and there were a few people who made snidely remarks about the limited bar options. But, you know what?
they had a beatiful day.
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