Phloe

Hi. I feel like talking to people who would understand - there are few in my real life that I can confide in.

I am now 30 and I worked in the hospitality industry for years. Drinking after work and "hitting the ****" became commonplace. Then drinking at home after work did. Then drinking at home when I wasn't working and drinking alone became commonplace. My tipple of choice became wine and I would often clean off two bottles a night to adequately get my buzz on.

It was not uncommon for me to regularly get up seedy and cranky, down a few coffees and do my utmost to shake it off with a big cook up before heading to work in the evening. Once my shift was over, a couple of wines by myself or with other staff before heading home and hitting my own stash.

Rinse and repeat next morning. Oh the joys of drinking.

Now circumstances changed and I am no longer in the bar industry. However the drinking remained firmly entrenched in my life. I would sit up at night contemplating the direction to take in life all the while with a glass of vino in hand. Sit there, on the computer, getting clouder and tipsy before realising how much time had past, how much I had drunk and that no clear answers were forthcoming.

And unhappiness. Discontent. Self-loathing. I KNEW damn well this behaviour was self-destructive. As it was when I smoked, I knew deep down the truth but always had an excuse. "it's just me", "everyone loves their ****". Of course it's easier when you're surrounded by other like-minded people who have the same problem as you. Collectively we have a plethora of "reasons" why we regularly ingest a neurotoxin. We've earned it after a hard days work, we need it to relax, unwind, be sociable, have courage, pick up the opposite sex etc. etc.

So, two months ago, I was sitting by myself drinking (vodka, for a change). I had been going to the gym for a couple of months and while I was making progress, I felt it was being regularly hampered by my alcohol intake.

So I thought enough. At least a week off it. This is from someone who has drunk every day for YEARS. I had gone a week earlier in the year only to resume because I had "been good".

But this time, I haven't. The first couple of days were a bit difficult. Something was obviously missing and my sleep was terrible. But, the first week went by and I thought I was starting to feel better. I knew I didn't want to stop drinking only to return to old habits after a break.

So I remained off the grog for a second week and - AMAZINGLY - found myself falling asleep easily WITHOUT alcohol. This was a revelation to me, as I had become so dependant on alcohol to make me drousy at night. My energy at the gym was increasing and my moods were feeling better, more balanced.

Fast forward to today with the benefit now of two *months*. I didn't plan this but with the upsurge in my fitness and the clarity of thought I have about my options in life (options such as going back to University, which I wouldn't consider in the midst of an alcohol haze), I am wondering what the next step is. Honestly? Pouring my heart out here and discussing alcohol to this degree does give me some anxiety about it and drinking. I had thought about some return to drinking but in a much more controlled, social environment.

But I feel I may be kidding myself. The nature of the drug does not change. And why? Don't those "normal" drinkers have their own dependence on it to lesser or greater degrees? Why - when I get up bright and early now refreshed and positive - would I want to start again to ANY degree?

Was it all a big lie? And are those that imbibe regularly all suffering the same delusion that they need their favourite tipple to cope, when they don't. If we are good as gold without it, is it not therefore the drug itself that causes the feeling of emptiness and want for itself?

It's been a very interesting time and I felt the need to vent. It is still not without struggle. The end of the week there can be an odd niggle because I feel everyone is out and about socialising and I'm locking myself away. I would like to try going out at night and hit some spots without alcohol. I feel strong enough to do so and think I would find the experience empowering. If you've read this far I thank you for your patience and would appreciate any feedback you have to offer.

Dee74

Welcome Phloe
Congratulations on your 2 months

If being around drinkers is a problem with you, can you think of things to do to be sociable but which don't centre on or around alcohol Phloe - thinks like going to a movie, going out for coffee...favourite sports, hobbies, interests?

I'm sure others will have other suggestions too
Good to have you with us

D

Stevie1

Welcome, Phloe!

And good for you on two months. That is huge.

As to what non-alcoholics' reelationship with alcohol is, I have not a clue. Most people can take it or leave it, or have one drink once in a while (LOL! The very notion!) and good on them....it's not my concern but I'm happy they can. My concern is ME and I cannot drink "normally" and it sucks but it is what it is. I have good friends who drink "normally" and I find it an odd notion. I'm envious, but...I cannot.

Whether you're an alcoholic is only for you to decide. If you are, drinking in a "controlled, social environment" isn't an option.

Phloe

Thanks for the welcome.

Normal drinking is an interesting notion. Having worked behind a bar for years I have had a chance to observe all manner of drinkers. One man's norm would be excessive for another.

It's not normal to have a few heroins or a few lines of something on a Friday night, is it? Yet society has deemed this particular drug - alcohol - as normal. I'm thinking it may well be one of the biggest con jobs we've collectively pulled on ourselves. It's prevalence in society lends it credibility, so young ones grow up perceiving alcohol as one of the many attractive keys to adulthood and status. How many of these young ones - such as me 10 years ago - partake in this coming of age ritual not even REMOTELY prepared for what it might start? I certainly didn't take my first drink with the intent to become a heavy drinker, and I doubt you who are reading this did either.

artsoul

Welcome Phloe!

I agree - it's a strange thing that drinking is so accepted/promoted when it's one of the leading causes of addiction, illness, accidents and violence. Makes no sense at all to think we need it in our lives.

Congratulations on 2 months sober...... I think you'll find the support and inspiration here really helpful. I never could stay sober very long on my own.

AB1111

I wondered what the definition of a normal drinker was and my sponsor clarified for me. He said normal drinkers don't think about drinking. Simple but true. Welcome and congrats on 2 months! Awesome!

Itchy

Good job!

CaiHong

Hi Phloe,
I really loved your post. it seems you have really considered what's drinking was doing to you,stopped liked how you felt being sober. Wow how rational is that!! Totally agree what you said about drinking and society.
Good on you.
The freedom from alcohol is amazing.

Love
CaiHong

cyriouslynot

Hi Phloe: great post...congratulations on 2 months.

freshstart57

Phloe, you are an inspiration to newcomers here - you chose to quit drinking, and you did. That is wonderful - congratulations to you!

There is a book that is popular around here by Alan Carr, called The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. In it he discusses in detail the ideas you have mentioned, that alcohol is The Big Lie, and that any reason at all we can imagine that suggests alcohol does something positive for us is Trickery! Trickery! Trickery!

. If it is any consolation to you, Phloe, many of us here including me, ignored this self wisdom until the emptiness and want grew into clinical depression and crippling anxiety. The alcohol used to soften those conditions, until it became so clear that it was in fact creating them.

Waking up sober is a habit that gets more and more rewarding each day. I know you will continue to experience life and its pleasures more fully all the time. Congratulations to you!

munchkin05

Even though my parents did not drink heavily when I was growing up, drinking alcohol was something that was understood as a certain "rite of passage" when you grew up. When you became an adult you had earned this right to be able to party hard with a drink in your hand. I fight with this urge (along with my AV) constantly. The argument "Well how am I going to relax, unwind, have fun at the bar, the party, etc etc. with the other adults if I DON'T have a drink in my hand??" Dumb in the extreme. When did alcohol become the prerequisite for having a good time?

OhioNomad

Phloe, just wanted to say thank you for your post. I have been thinking these same thoughts for some time as I attempted to control my drinking but even more so the past few days after deciding to stop drinking completely. Trying to get my head around all of it and how I came to be a heavy drinker who would binge and black out feel bad about myself and a week later be back in the same situation. When I was younger I did not drink. I actually did not start to drink until I was 23 or so. And it was very much to fit in with the guys and be invited out with them after work and on weekends. I wish now I had been stronger then, but I am thankful that I am strong enough now. Your post really hit home. Congratulations on two months!

Phloe

Well, I'm humbled. Thank you!

Thanks! I have that very book and it has helped me form the opinions I now have. Several months ago I purchased it not intending to quit drinking, but to help me control it. But this book (along with his phenomenally successful quit smoking book) got into my head. If you *really* digest what he's saying and reflect on your own life, you can't go back to wallowing in the cesspool of your addictions in ignorant bliss. When I first read his smoking book I must confess I didn't quit. However, every cigarette after it was ... how can I put it ... the truth. By that, I mean I was acutely aware of the ash, the acrid stench and overall nastiness of it, making the whole process seem all the more absurd. LOL, it's fantastic to *feel* that way about those dreadful things and not be in tug-o-war with myself!

Likewise with his revelations on why we drink and the nature of the beast, once it's in your head... Well, why would you want to go back? At first, it is difficult to digest. Can something so accepted and so ubiquitous be so devastating? A lot of normal drinkers are at a different point on the curve, but I know plenty of *normal* drinkers who would still be nursing the occasional hangover on a Saturday. Additionally, talk to a normal drinker about their drug use and some will be aghast at the suggestion alcohol is even a drug! As I recall, some of the most ardent in the "alcohol isn't a drug" crowd were some of the *heaviest* drinkers I knew.

One generation passes their notions and values of the drug onto the next. Just as hundreds of years ago it was quite natural to tell your children that The Earth was - quite naturally - flat, today it is just as natural for teenagers to start "experimenting" and getting hammered as part of an induction into learning responsible drinking. But what if "drinking" were changed to "drug use". How absurd does it now sound to encourage people to start responsible drug use? Maybe in the future it will and the notion of hooking young minds on to an addictive and destructive drug because "that's just what society does" will appear as ridiculous as the idea of believing the Earth is flat.

Hevyn

Thank you, Phloe - for telling your story so well & so honestly.

How I wish I'd had the courage at 30 to do what you're doing. Instead, I continued on into my 50's - getting sicker by the day. You'll never have the regrets, drama, and misery many of us have faced. Be proud of yourself - you're doing great.