PAgrandma

It's been some time since I posted on this forum. 'Things' had been going pretty well until this week.

I will try to be brief...

Our son is a single parent raising two daughters (16 & 8). His wife died from alcohol seven years ago. He does not believe that he has a drinking problem but now child endangerment has entered the picture again.

It came to a head because his oldest daughter drove their car without a license and lied about it. He called the police. This started him back on the Vodka again.

His Mother-in-law and I have been keeping in touch. Below is a section of her recent e-mail...


I know Matt had a DUI last year and had to pay a $5,000 fine. I know he has driven drunk many times with the girls and I am beside myself with worry.
I should have called the police but that would just have made it worse. A few years ago when he met me with the girls, he chastised Sarah for one hour while I had to stand there and try and reason with him. The last time he was here he took some of Susan's medication and if he mixes that with alcohol the result could be deadly

I apologize for the e-mail. Right now, I'm scared to death for Matt. We need to get him help. The police called me last night to pick up the girls and I did. He was threatening suicide. He went after Sarah and pulled the phone lines out. I'm afraid he'll hurt himself or her. I know it was the alcohol talking but he blamed Sarah for Karen's death. I am so sad for what he's going through.

We don't know what to do...
My husband is 81 with Hodgkin's & Prostate Cancer. I have emphysema. The other grandmother has a daughter in the hospital right now.

Even if one of us were able to care for the girls...we all live in different states... they would have to change schools etc.

If our son will not admit he is an alcoholic and get some counselling... what, what, what .... can we do ????? I feel so helpless.

Joyce in Pennsylvania

headstrong

After the suicide threat, he should have been hospitalized to make sure he was okay and then went to mental health. He probably then went to jail for bail jumping as drinking was probably prohibited for his DUI. Has he been released yet? Social services will probably be involved now. If there is any family in the area, it is probably time to get them involved. Otherwise the children have a good chance at ending up in foster care. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am the RA who threatened suicide so I know the drill all too well. I am on supervised visitation 8 months later. I wish you the best of luck!

Learn2Live

IMO, the children need to be removed from him and his care. Whatever way that needs to happen, needs to happen, whether through family, church help, or Child Protective Services. IMO, he should not be permitted to contact the children until he is fully in Recovery. The entire family needs to remove all forms of support of and contact with him. That is my experience.

PAgrandma

Yes, he was released and is home. His Mother-in-law spoke with him on the phone and told me he sounded OK.

I have no further details. My son is not even aware that I know all this information, but will when (or if) he shows up for work Monday. He is supposed to be taking over the business we started 38 years ago.

The only family is 'us' in Pennsylvania and he lives in Delaware.

PAgrandma

Does this mean he shouldn't continue working at our business?

AntoinetteP

Ask yourself: If he were someone who came in from a head hunter, referred there to be hired for whatever it is he will be expected to do, would you hire him? I know from my own buttons that every time I am put in a management position, I crumble because I just can't handle the stress. What kind of extra pressure will it put on him in the 'just another reason to drink, to relieve some of this stress'.

My two cents. I wouldn't hire him.

Learn2Live

I can't answer what you should or should not do. I can only speak about my experience in these situations. From what you describe, he sounds really bad. Alcoholics and addicts who are not in active Recovery do not have the coping mechanisms that non-alcoholics and non-addicts develop. I have found with the alcoholics and addicts in my life that they are not able to maintain normal responsibilities. They get very stressed out and have no way to cope other than to drink and/or drug. It sounds like your son has a lot of responsibility as it is, with the children, and adding on control and operation of a business is going to add more stress, with no coping mechanisms in place to help him handle and manage that stress. I have no crystal ball but I do not foresee a good outcome of him taking over more, very serious, responsibilities. My XBF could barely manage to keep the lawn mowed and the landscaping up at our house in addition to working 40+ hours per week and having his children every other weekend. It sounds to me like this family is in serious need of outside help.

PAgrandma

Antoinette...

Matt (and his wife, Karen) joined our company ten years ago. Matt started our web site ...so we could stop wholesale trade shows.

He's not a 'new comer'... He's the owner of the business and the building when we pass on.

PAgrandma

Oh yes, I do agree there is stress... but WHAT can we do?

Now, he's able to come and go, at whatever hours, to handle domestic chores or sick children. If he's a salaried employee elsewhere... would he have this freedom?

What I was hoping to receive on this forum were some suggestion as to how to get him to agree to rehabilitation

SoaringSpirits

Remember the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.

You can't make him agree to rehab.

You CAN make his life harder. As in getting those children out of his care PRONTO. And removing his livelihood. He may never hit bottom, but he MIGHT if the people around him stop enabling him. What he is doing to those children is unconscionable. You can't help him....but you can help them.

I have two children adopted from foster care. They were removed at ages 8 and 9 due to their father's drug/alcohol addictions and their mother's severe mental illness. They went through hell, and in some ways they will always be deeply affected by their experience. Their paternal grandmother, aunts and uncles all turned their backs on my kids and refused to even see them, much less adopt them or house them. My kids were adopted out to us. To this day, it is a great heartache to them that their biological family did not rescue them from their situation when they had the ability to to do.

Learn2Live

You cannot make someone agree to or go to rehab. They have to want it for themselves. You can express all your concerns to him and ask him to seek help for his alcoholism. He doesn't necessarily need to go to an inpatient rehab, though this may be the case. There are outpatient rehab programs all over the place. If you Google the name of his county and "rehab," you should be able to come up with good information. County health departments normally will have services available. Another great resource for finding these medical programs is the SAMHSA treatment search engine found here: Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

Of course, any program he gets into will suggest he go to Alcoholics Anonymous every day. These meetings are free and located everywhere all hours of the day and night.

You may want to seriously consider Al-Anon for yourself, to help you cope with this very serious issue. In the meantime, you may want to ask yourself if you are frantically trying to control the outcomes of your son's disease.

PAgrandma

Thank you SoaringSpirits for your insight into this dilemma. It's wonderful that you have given those youngsters your loving care.

I am sending copies of your reply (and the others) to their other grandmother.

Yes, we all agree the girls need a safe haven. It is so complicated because of health, distance and age of all of us. If the girls move here to Pennsylvania, all their extra curricular activity would end. No soccer, chorale, swim meets... I could go on and on. Although they would have a safe home, their transportation requirement for after school activity is not something we are able to give.

PAgrandma

Please explain a bit more about my apparent need to control my son's disease.
There is an Al-Anon meeting locally on Tuesday evenings. I've already looked into that, and plan to attend.

Another note: Matt (our son) says he does not have a drinking problem. Perhaps after this past weekend's episode he will change that 'tune'.

Learn2Live

Oh, excellent! I do hope you go to that Al-Anon meeting. You will find much support there, from people who know exactly what you are going through, because they have gone through it too.

From what you describe, your son and his family are in crisis caused by his drinking. Because you are his parent and you love him and his children, you do not want anything bad to happen to any of them but you see there is a very serious problem and something needs to be done. As a responsible and caring parent and grandparent, you step in and try to make the decisions that need to be made. What happens to us is that we become overly involved in the affairs of the alcoholic and their families, at our own expense. Our lives are ENOUGH for us to handle on our own, aren't they? But our lives and our feelings and our stress levels become enmeshed with the alcoholic's and the next thing we know, we are as sick as they are and then OUR lives become unmanageable. All I am saying is be careful how enmeshed you become with the alcoholic in your life. Be careful how invested you become in the outcomes of all the decisions that have to be made in another individual's life.

PAgrandma

Wow, Learn2 !
Yes...I'll read your post over and over as a reminder.
Thanks for the advice...I needed that !
~ Joyce

PAgrandma

Time for me to log off for today. I'll check in the morning to see if there are any other "words for the wise"....

(Why is it called a "word to the wise?"

If they're already wise, why do they need to hear it? )