feelingalone43

I know that journaling can be very good therapy, but I find that it makes me want to say to my AH the thoughts I put on paper.

For example: today I wrote about how he went from "I know I am the one with the problem, it's all my fault, I will do whatever it takes, I will make things right..." to "What, no hormone pill?! No wonder you won't put up with my being an angry, sarcastic jerk, that's the problem."

And he's all the sudden concerned with my limited social circle. I am quite content with my social circle. If and when I feel I need more of a social life, I will do something about it. I am really quite outgoing and have no problem making friends.

I also find it quite "convenient" for him that he "doesn't remember my telling him that I stopped taking the hormone replacement". So of course, that means I was hiding the fact from him.

Feels good to vent, it's just that when I write it down, I am able to think it through, and then I want to say it the way I wrote it.

lillamy

Vent away, and keep writing.

So much of what you say brings back memories for me.
When I complained that we could never do anything socially because AXH was always drunk (which, in retrospect, was a strange thing to say...), he would retort that he had no problem with doing social things, he just didn't like my friends. And then it spiraled into him asking me "why do you want to be friends with Amy? What do you have in common, really?" and then he'd go down the list of all the reasons Amy wasn't fun to be around. Etc.

I know you've said his drinking isn't the main problem -- but his behavior is very much like that with a person with a drinking problem. You point out a problem, he turns it around on you and makes it YOUR fault.

That's not cool. Whether his drinking is the cause of it or not.

amy55

I journaled. Did this because he made me feel like I was crazy. Was always changing the story around, and oh yes, how many times he told me that it was him, and not me, and he was going to get help, to it was all me,and I was the worse wife ever.

Now divorced, and i have a wood stove, and I will use all that paper, and memories, to build my fire in the winter to keep me warm.


Edited to add: Was happy that I journaled. It kept me sane then. I no longer have any use for it now though.

feelingalone43

I almost wish drinking were the only problem. I honestly think I could just tell him that we will live our separate lives. But of course, now that he is not getting "drunk", he wants to work on our other issues, but I just read too much about manipulation, and relapses. I don't trust that the drinking won't go back to the binges. Especially if the counseling helps us deal with our other issues. I have this dreaded feeling that if we get on an even keel again, he will "relax" enough for the drinking to progress.

Right now, he only drinks the low-alcohol stuff when I'm around him, and doesn't over do it. But I know he drinks quite a bit more when he goes to our weekend house without me. I have told him that he can do what he wants as far as his drinking goes, as long as he leaves me out of it. He asks me to go each and every time he goes, and I wonder if it is because he knows he won't drink heavily. I don't want to be his alcohol monitor, and don't want to deal with the resentment I fear it will eventually bring.

He says he knows that what he drinks and how much he drinks is completely his decision, and that if his binging returns, I will be gone. He admits his drinking got "out of hand", but he now feels he has it under control. I just don't know if I can stand to wait around and see if he's right.

lillamy

It's a difficult decision to make.
And so I'm just throwing this out there, because it's something I wish someone had said to me six years ago:

You have the right to leave any time you want.
You have permission to choose your path.
You have no responsibility for another adult, their life, or the choices they make.
And if those choices impact you negatively -- you can choose to not have that person in your life anymore.

NewbieJ

It's weird. To me, what you describe is the hardest part of the disease to me, and so few people understand it. And of course, not all alcoholics are the same. In the past few months I have heard:

"You! You're my problem! I hate you! I want a divorce!"
"I'm sorry I said I hated you. I don't hate you. You're not my problem."

A couple months and several explosions later I then heard:
"You are a *disease*! You are a loser!"
Couple days after that: "I love you...? I miss you...?"

I'm really unsure as to what causes this back and forth, Jekyll & Hyde thing. I guess the alcoholism? After all it's cunning, baffling & powerful.

feelingalone43

NewbieJ,

I know what you mean. The round and round dance we do. They seem to know when they've gone too far and are close to losing their enabling codies. Then it's all about how sorry they are and want to change. When we let down our guard and start to believe the changes in them are real, we find out they were just temporary; only long enough to suck us back into the madness.

dandylion

We are sucked into the "round and round" dance with them because we have given over our power. They call the shots and we dance to the music.

When we start placing our boundries and acting in OUR best interest---the dancing stops.

a twelve-step program and therapy can help us to do that.

Supportively, dandylion