holdingontight

Hello everyone,
I am in a serious relationship with a man who drinks very heavily and just came out of treatment, he's started drinking again and I'm ready to throw in the towel on the whole relationship, he looks at me differently now as though he's pushing me away so he can be left alone in his world of alcohol. I'm giving him what he wants and it's breaking my heart, if any one has any words of advice or tips on how to stay strong while separated from the man I love the most in this world please feel free to reply, anything is better than feeling so all alone.

mrsbrownie

be strong...its easier said than done...i know, my xabf broke up with me a couple of months ago because i stopped enabling him, and went with someone who shares his addiction.

i decided to go NO CONTACT with him, but he calls me from time to time to which i dont pick up nor return his call. it kilss me, since we used to be together all the time.

just hang in there.

holdingontight

Thank You Mrsbrownie, I've been dealing with this since my mom was an alcoholic, I too am an enabler and always have been, I would do anything for him, I know it's going to be awfully hard to say no, kind of like rejecting my own childs wants and needs but I have faith it will work, your probably alot stronger than me I would've answered the phone and felt upset with myself later.

mrsbrownie

it breaks my heart, not able to talk to him, he knows that i pick up his calls even at unholy hour like say 2am, so when i dont, he kinda like knew that i was ignoring him.

it hurts, i just started a post like 5 hours ago, asking for some insights about it.

here is this guy, who used to call me 20 times a day (exaggerated of course), i spend time everyday... and now he calls and i cant pick up the phone.

i was going by, what his mom asked me...she said, if i love his son, i will ignore him so he can finally realize what he is missing out in life.

hugs to you.

neferkamichael

I am so sorry you are going through this holdingontight.

holdingontight

aw, I haven't even begun the ignoring process yet. He left to go see his family today (surely going to be drunk every day) and the peace just filled the house after. It made me realize he truely was what's been darkening my life. How could some one who used to bring out the best in you be what's turning you into a lifeless enabler??
I wish there was a real cure to bring these once great men away from such drugs and addictions.
I'm so glad I found this forumn, I thought I was all alone but now I see I am not!
I cant imagine how I'm going to feel when I've made it as far as you have, if he never cleans up I dont know what I'll do.lol

mrsbrownie

i have only been with him 7months, his sober days were truly the greatest moments of my life...not kidding...i thought at first i was helping out, until i guess we all wised up (his mom and dad) and we decided to stop paying his bills (i havent even heard of the word enable 6 months ago). he binged for 1 month which made him not able to pay his march and april rent which will cost like $2000, if his mom didnt asked me to not pay, we would probably be still together. the bad thing for me, is he chose to go with someone whom he told me that is no good for him because of her being alcoholic and a recovering addict but i guess he has no choice. now i think, she is helping him out. i should be happy and relieved right? but im hurting inside.

holdingontight

That's my fear...that he'll find some one he find more suitable for his life style, he tells me I am too good for him and I should be with a lawyer or a millionaire but I think he's crazy, He's my everything, sober we too had the best times. I told him more than I've ever even openly admitted to myself. I thought after treatment he'd be better but I left for a week and came back to him drunk and talking crazy, no doubt embarrassed that I'd caught him breaking his recovery rules. I just want those good times back, I'd give anything to save him but there is nothing we as the loved ones can do but let them figure it out on their own. My boyfriend is low on money as well somehow, he makes more than me but he's spent it already. he's gotten a habit of hiding things from me and not talking to me about things like finances, and work (things that stress him out) he sleeps ALOT, and doesn't really like going anywhere. When he's actually drinking he gets out of control and drives, puts him self at risk. You can tell he just wants to drink himself into oblivion.

mrsbrownie

in fairness to my xabf, he never steals. sometimes he knows that i have money with me, but never would he take it. he knows where his mom keeps her jewelries and some monies but he never takes it.

i pray that your bf will get help again, and hopefully this time he will stay stronger.

holdingontight

same to you, I see I have alot more to pray for than just one man, ((((big hugs to you)))) Hang in there mrsbrownie, maybe one your ex will wake up and want more. :ghug3

OhBoy

My father was an alcoholic too, I got hardwired as a kid to be an awesome codependent. ALANON has helped me deal with MY disease of codependency. Also check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics section on this board.

I know that feeling of weakness, it is a hard cycle to break, but you can do it! You are as strong as any of us here, it all starts wit the first step. That's the hard one! Posting here I'm sure was hard, but you did it! For me, it is empowering the more I learn to take care of myself first, instead of my AW's disease. Just as their disease eats them up, ours will do it to us as well. Stay strong & take care of yourself.
OhBoy

outonalimb

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I urge you to find an alanon meeting near you. It saved my life!

holdingontight

Thank You, I've been nervous about going to an ALANON meeting, actually all of this makes me nervous, admitting I'm the one enabling him was a huge step and now I see things completely different. I know the meetings would help but I cant seem to put myself there, that would confirm I'm messed up as well.

Bluebonnet1

Going to an Al Anon meeting IS really hard, but well worth it. I went for the first time last night, and I also downloaded the book Codependency No More. The boards first suggested the meetings, and I tried once, but then the meeting was cancelled. I finally asked ABF to leave last week, and I knew I needed something to keep the courage to stand strong with my decision. I broke down the whole time, especially when a complete stranger that had been sitting next to me hugged me after the meeting. You'll find people that are newcomers, like you (there were 3 others last night), and people like the leader that have been members for 27 years. I know it's hard, TRUST ME, I know it's hard, but you are in a big city and can try a meeting a night if you need to until you find one you like. I'm going back Friday night. I'm also reading Codependency no More as fast as I possibly can, but don't worry, you'll see parts of yourself in the first chapter and realize "wow, there is a name for this, and I CAN overcome it".

Now, I talk a big talk...I've been answering ABF's calls for the last week, bc he really did go see a counselor today, and has signed up for a prayer partner at church, like I did (I just started attending again a month ago, and he's only been with me once, but says he knows it's up to a HP now). He's going to a Celebrate Recovery group tomorrow night. However, he's still begging me to come home, and not listening to me when I say I need time and space to help myself. He's just prolonging the hurt, and I realized tonight that I have to break the cycle or I'm going to lose my job. I have to put myself first. I truly hope you do too. You are not alone.

Bluebonnet1

I think I left out that I finally tried Al Anon again last night. Overwhelming and emotional, but it was a good first step.

holdingontight

I'm trying to get my sister to come with me(our mother and father were alcoholics/drug addicts for little periods of time due to their depression) so I beleive we could both use the healing process that's been much needed since we were teens. It's going to be a long year...

crazybabie

None of us are perfect you enabled most of us here have you can go to a meeting and not have to say a single word. I know how hard it is to go I posted and posted on the Friends and Family's Substance abuse forum before I went I now have a sponsor and things are looking up. When the time is right you will likely go and you will be very glad you did IMO,

They do ask that one attend 6 meetings before deciding it is not for you.

Best of luck

Kiana

I went to CODA meetings every single week for over 18 months before I said anything. I was accepted as I was which was silent except for saying my name, and didn't feel any pressure to speak before I was ready to.

Titsgirl

I don't really have great advice, your story touched me. I feel your pain. My BF is a heroin addict and found he had been using for about 5 months and I got pregnant in this time. Just know you are not alone and try to do what is best for you and don't let him bring you down too...I know it's hard but you can't let him destroy you too and he has to find a will on his own.