I feel so bad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
I feel so bad
So my girlfriend of nearly 4 years is an alcoholic and has been verbally and emotionally manupulative to me for some time. 2 days ago she started becoming physical. 1 day ago, I moved out of our apartment. And I feel terrible about it. Worse than when my dad died and worse than when I dumped after being in a longer, healthier relationship. I feel like I've abandoned my ex and that she's going to become a homeless bag lady now that I'm gone.
Please everybody remind me why I left and tell me that things will get better. I've been crying almost nonstop for a day now.
Please everybody remind me why I left and tell me that things will get better. I've been crying almost nonstop for a day now.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello KRA, I'm sorry you found yourself on the receiving end of abuse.
For me, abuse is a drop-dead deal breaker.
In time, I hope you will come to understand that you are not responsible for her life, her health, and her security. My own stepson found himself homeless for a period of time, and Mr. HG and I did feel bad. However, we came to realize that HE put himself in that position. He stole from roommates and was high or drunk around them all the time. As an adult, he is responsible for handling the consequences of his own actions. We allowed him that dignity, and we allowed ourselves the peace of not having a front row seat to his drama and abuse.
Please know that you are allowed to take care of yourself, and the pain does go away in time.
For me, abuse is a drop-dead deal breaker.
In time, I hope you will come to understand that you are not responsible for her life, her health, and her security. My own stepson found himself homeless for a period of time, and Mr. HG and I did feel bad. However, we came to realize that HE put himself in that position. He stole from roommates and was high or drunk around them all the time. As an adult, he is responsible for handling the consequences of his own actions. We allowed him that dignity, and we allowed ourselves the peace of not having a front row seat to his drama and abuse.
Please know that you are allowed to take care of yourself, and the pain does go away in time.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((hugs)))
You did the right thing for YOU!
Your life is important.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
It hurts right now, and I know there are so many emotions with this decision. I tried to identify the feelings and acknowledge them as they came. It helped me to recognize the stages of my grief. That way I knew what was happening as it happened and felt less overwhelmed.
Sending support as you begin a new journey of your life.
You did the right thing for YOU!
Your life is important.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
It hurts right now, and I know there are so many emotions with this decision. I tried to identify the feelings and acknowledge them as they came. It helped me to recognize the stages of my grief. That way I knew what was happening as it happened and felt less overwhelmed.
Sending support as you begin a new journey of your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
KRA,
I spent 4 years helicoptering and hovering over my A with a fire extinquisher and box of huggies to make sure he didn't end up in the streets. It is a miserable life dedicated to sole purpose of "saving" our A from their destructive behaviors. It is a hollow relationship because your A will become even more of a parasite and will fully expect you to be the rock of the relationship and be at their beck and call with your magic wand.
When you try to "normalize" the relationship they get resentful and lash out just as you have experienced. It is the "crazy train of addiction" and as we enslave ourselves and mire ourselves in the misery of a completely dysfunctional relationship we are crippling our A and reducing their chances of getting well.
If you keep your A in a huggies diaper and don't let them learn how to walk on their own and solve their own problems they are going to resent you... it will manifest in different ways but trust me they know they are infants in the relationship.
Children and alcoholics (they are quite similar in many ways) have to grow up sometimes. Your A needs to grow up and face reality and by allowing them the dignity to figure it out and CHOOSE whether then want to do life drunk or sober ALONE they have a better chance of making the right choice.
My XA loved the comfy life I provided... the soft landing when he made his little cute sober noises about recovery and the wonderful life we would have...someday!
"Someday" never came! It was always "tomorrow" or off in the future distantly... I could see the carrot wwwwwwwaaaaaay off and he kept me on that string for YEARS!
I am off the crazy train forever and if I had handed him his own diapers and fire extinquisher 4 years ago he might be in a better place himself now. He is in rehab number 7 (not counting outpatient and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings) and frankly I think he still loves alcohol and will return her once his liver gets a rest and he gets somebody to bite on his "I'm never gonna drink again" can I move in with you?
I spent 4 years helicoptering and hovering over my A with a fire extinquisher and box of huggies to make sure he didn't end up in the streets. It is a miserable life dedicated to sole purpose of "saving" our A from their destructive behaviors. It is a hollow relationship because your A will become even more of a parasite and will fully expect you to be the rock of the relationship and be at their beck and call with your magic wand.
When you try to "normalize" the relationship they get resentful and lash out just as you have experienced. It is the "crazy train of addiction" and as we enslave ourselves and mire ourselves in the misery of a completely dysfunctional relationship we are crippling our A and reducing their chances of getting well.
If you keep your A in a huggies diaper and don't let them learn how to walk on their own and solve their own problems they are going to resent you... it will manifest in different ways but trust me they know they are infants in the relationship.
Children and alcoholics (they are quite similar in many ways) have to grow up sometimes. Your A needs to grow up and face reality and by allowing them the dignity to figure it out and CHOOSE whether then want to do life drunk or sober ALONE they have a better chance of making the right choice.
My XA loved the comfy life I provided... the soft landing when he made his little cute sober noises about recovery and the wonderful life we would have...someday!
"Someday" never came! It was always "tomorrow" or off in the future distantly... I could see the carrot wwwwwwwaaaaaay off and he kept me on that string for YEARS!
I am off the crazy train forever and if I had handed him his own diapers and fire extinquisher 4 years ago he might be in a better place himself now. He is in rehab number 7 (not counting outpatient and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings) and frankly I think he still loves alcohol and will return her once his liver gets a rest and he gets somebody to bite on his "I'm never gonna drink again" can I move in with you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by KRA 
So my girlfriend of nearly 4 years is an alcoholic and has been verbally and emotionally manupulative to me for some time. 2 days ago she started becoming physical. 1 day ago, I moved out of our apartment. And I feel terrible about it. Worse than when my dad died and worse than when I dumped after being in a longer, healthier relationship. I feel like I've abandoned my ex and that she's going to become a homeless bag lady now that I'm gone.
Please everybody remind me why I left and tell me that things will get better. I've been crying almost nonstop for a day now.
Please everybody remind me why I left and tell me that things will get better. I've been crying almost nonstop for a day now.
No one deserves to be abused, that includes you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
KRA,
I spent 4 years helicoptering and hovering over my A with a fire extinquisher and box of huggies to make sure he didn't end up in the streets. It is a miserable life dedicated to sole purpose of "saving" our A from their destructive behaviors. It is a hollow relationship because your A will become even more of a parasite and will fully expect you to be the rock of the relationship and be at their beck and call with your magic wand.
When you try to "normalize" the relationship they get resentful and lash out just as you have experienced. It is the "crazy train of addiction" and as we enslave ourselves and mire ourselves in the misery of a completely dysfunctional relationship we are crippling our A and reducing their chances of getting well.
If you keep your A in a huggies diaper and don't let them learn how to walk on their own and solve their own problems they are going to resent you... it will manifest in different ways but trust me they know they are infants in the relationship.
Children and alcoholics (they are quite similar in many ways) have to grow up sometimes. Your A needs to grow up and face reality and by allowing them the dignity to figure it out and CHOOSE whether then want to do life drunk or sober ALONE they have a better chance of making the right choice.
My XA loved the comfy life I provided... the soft landing when he made his little cute sober noises about recovery and the wonderful life we would have...someday!
"Someday" never came! It was always "tomorrow" or off in the future distantly... I could see the carrot wwwwwwwaaaaaay off and he kept me on that string for YEARS!
I am off the crazy train forever and if I had handed him his own diapers and fire extinquisher 4 years ago he might be in a better place himself now. He is in rehab number 7 (not counting outpatient and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings) and frankly I think he still loves alcohol and will return her once his liver gets a rest and he gets somebody to bite on his "I'm never gonna drink again" can I move in with you?
I spent 4 years helicoptering and hovering over my A with a fire extinquisher and box of huggies to make sure he didn't end up in the streets. It is a miserable life dedicated to sole purpose of "saving" our A from their destructive behaviors. It is a hollow relationship because your A will become even more of a parasite and will fully expect you to be the rock of the relationship and be at their beck and call with your magic wand.
When you try to "normalize" the relationship they get resentful and lash out just as you have experienced. It is the "crazy train of addiction" and as we enslave ourselves and mire ourselves in the misery of a completely dysfunctional relationship we are crippling our A and reducing their chances of getting well.
If you keep your A in a huggies diaper and don't let them learn how to walk on their own and solve their own problems they are going to resent you... it will manifest in different ways but trust me they know they are infants in the relationship.
Children and alcoholics (they are quite similar in many ways) have to grow up sometimes. Your A needs to grow up and face reality and by allowing them the dignity to figure it out and CHOOSE whether then want to do life drunk or sober ALONE they have a better chance of making the right choice.
My XA loved the comfy life I provided... the soft landing when he made his little cute sober noises about recovery and the wonderful life we would have...someday!
"Someday" never came! It was always "tomorrow" or off in the future distantly... I could see the carrot wwwwwwwaaaaaay off and he kept me on that string for YEARS!
I am off the crazy train forever and if I had handed him his own diapers and fire extinquisher 4 years ago he might be in a better place himself now. He is in rehab number 7 (not counting outpatient and hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings) and frankly I think he still loves alcohol and will return her once his liver gets a rest and he gets somebody to bite on his "I'm never gonna drink again" can I move in with you?
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