boxermama

I have been posting on all the problems I am having with ABF, and posted that we are suppose to go on a vacation in 10 days. I cancelled everything this morning. I called the realtor in charge of our condo and was honest with the situation, she was super nice and is sending me back my deposit. Called the airline and cancelled tickets, yeah I took a $200 hit to cancel, but it was worth it. Cancelled the car rental as well.

I have such a huge sense of relief just by finally making the decision that I am not going. For the first time in a long time I feel like moving forward is possible.

I have my 1st therapy session tonight at 5 and depending on how that goes, and if I have the guts there is a Al-Anon meeting at 8:00 as well.

Small steps, but in the right direction!

Milly39

Good for you - here's to some serenity and calm in your life

MsPINKAcres

((boxermama))

taking back control of our lives where we can is a very powerful & uplifting thing to do ~

let me encourage you to give the meetings a try ~ they saved my life!!

wishing you the best ~ you deserve it!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

amy55

((boxermama)),

I read your other post first, and boy, did that bring back memories to me. I feel like you are with my ex's twin, or maybe even my ex. It was quite scary. I did go through all the things that you are going through.

Then I read this post. I applaud you for taking back control. I couldn't do that, I had to leave. Just wanted to warn you that I am feeling that there will be some kind of retaliation from him for this. Be prepared, and be careful.

Now in my XAH case, if I had done this, first he would go into a rage, then he would say that he was leaving, sometimes he did, sometimes he wouldn't. If he did leave, I could never be at peace, because I would never know when he would sneak back in. You see, he had back up plans. He would unlock the windows, even on the second floor, because he had a ladder. One time, I did catch onto this, so I checked every window in the house. He broke the basement window to get back in.

He figured out that I was happy that he left, and that I wasn't going to call around looking for him and begging him to come home. So he came back home anyway, and then he would follow me from room to room, saying any nasty thing that he could think of, he would taunt me, try to provoke me, until I would get to the point that you are at now.

I envisioned "frying pans", just wanted to crack him over the head "only a few times", to make his mouth just "shut up".

You need to make plans for how to deal with this. Something to discuss with your therapist tonight. This will enrage him, have no doubt about that. Keep yourself safe.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

boxermama

You are absolutely right. I have no doubts that he has something spinning in the back of his mind. I hope I can get another session with the therapist soon because this initial hour isn't going to be enough.

He has his veiled threats to me, made comment the other night that he "knows" where the gas is to the house. I think he likes to create panic & fear in me, I do plan on having a nice talk with the local police department once he is out. Even if they can do a couple patrols on our street. Nothing scares him more than the cops, he has been in trouble with them so many times.

I doubt he is just going to go quietly, he may at first, but I know I will hear from him again & I hope I am in a strong enough place to just ignore the phone.

Fandy

once he is gone, can you invest in an alarm system, with a big sign out front? the kind that connects to the police station.....that might deter him.

boxermama

Doubtful I will be able to afford that, but will look into that option. The plus is that I have 4 dogs that let me know when someone is close to the house.

Bad thing with him is that his mind gets to spinning. I could go for a month without hearing from him and then all of a sudden his head will start thinking crazy thoughts and he will pop back into my life.

Moving right now isn't an option, not to say it couldn't be in the future but right now it involves more than just moving my things. I work out of my house, so it is getting in touch with the company I work for and moving phone lines, changing addresses on papers. All doable things in the future.

I think part of my problem in the past is I looked at all that needed to be done to break free of him & I would get overwhelmed and discouraged. I am trying to just tackle one thing at a time and for now it is getting ME back to a healthy mind set.

Fandy

there are some systems that are quite affordable, maybe something just LOUD enough to let him *think* he tripped an alarm to the police.

every little thing you tackle and complete is a great way to look at it. maybe you could give him a one way ticket to florida, he'll never get back to your state.

HopefulGirl71

You've inspired me to check out the local Al-Anon schedule in my area. Thanks for that!

dollydo

Positive step forward! Keep posting it will help!

amy55

ok, so any plans yet as to how you can get him out? Does he know that you canceled vacation?

Would also recommend that you get in touch with Domestic Abuse services in your area, they may be able to provide some tips, or pointers, or just some help for you.

Keep going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

boxermama

Yes, he knows it is cancelled. He is off drinking right now, I'm sure tonight he will be in prime form.

I called our area substance abuse center and have a meeting with one of the therapists on Wed @ 9am. She also does work at the Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Am I overdoing the therapy? I just feel like talking to as many people who can understand and help right now. I have an appt tonight and then another Wed. And if I can have the courage, I will go to the Al Anon meeting tonight.

boxermama

I don't have the actual plan on how to get him out yet. I hope that the therapy can help me in that direction. I obviously haven't been able to get him out by the methods I have used in the past, so I am open to new ideas. I guess working on getting him out of my HEAD is a good step forward.

I need to take away the power he has over me away. I am the only one who has gave him the power to manipulate me and I have had enough. If we had a mountain in my area I think I would climb it and scream "ENOUGH"!!!

amy55

Am I overdoing the therapy? I just feel like talking to as many people who can understand and help right now. I have an appt tonight and then another Wed. And if I can have the courage, I will go to the Al Anon meeting tonight.



No, I don't think you are overdoing the therapy. Just getting it out there and letting other people know what is going on is good. You will receive a lot of validation, and in my case it helped a lot, because I really thought I was "going crazy". After all, why would the person that loved me tell me I was crazy if I wasn't?

First need to get your ideas together, get your mind straight, figure out the direction you will take, then make the plans.

One of the ways that I would get my ex to leave at times, was to just agree with him, when he told me I was a crazy b***h I would agree, that ask him why he wanted to be with a crazy b***h like me, told him that If I was him, that I wouldn't put up with my bs, and that I would leave. (lol) At least it gave me a few days of peace because he would leave. But then he would come back, they always come back !!!!!!!!!

Find out from DV what you might need to do, to get him out.

Fandy

what exactly is in his name? does he own any of your house? is his name on the mortgage or lease?

I would think that if everything is yours you have the right to evict him (with a formal letter and 30 days notice)?

if he's gone, you can change the locks? (simple enough to do with a screwdriver and deadbolt from Home Depot)

Adventure

Good for you Boxermama taking all these steps - what a productive day! That was a brave and very, very important decision you took to cancel your holiday. Of the 4 (I think) holidays I went on with AH after we got married I regretted 4 of them. The only one I didn't was our honeymoon!! Last year, I got mega brave, and went on my own for 10 days in the sun. BLISS!!!! Keep up the positive moves - you're doing great.

Adventure

fourmaggie

ooh Rita, what a powerful feeling it is!!

marie1960

Good for you boxermama,

I equate going on vacation with an active alkie to eating worms. No thanks, i'll pass.

All you do is argue, babysit, and cringe from embarassment.

I think reaching out for help and support, is a sure sign that you mean business.

Knowledge is power, acquire all you can, it will make your transition easier.