Father's Day...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Father's Day...
Used to be a reasonably pleasant day... at least one without the same degree of drama that other family gather events usually wrought.
This year, my father has been institutionalized against his will, a direct result of his drinking and porn addictions... due to actions so egregious that he may never be able to live peacefully in any community again... and have reduced our family to a collection of individuals with challenged relations among them, including two generations of parents and children. Not that we were ever a story-book family (Duh!).
Mother's Day has always been a difficult one... with an abusive, grossly co-dependent mother, I knew as a child she was wacked and let her go emotionally. All the hype surrounding Mother's Day is a painful reminder of what she was like... and now, as she descends slowly into dementia, no longer has my father to denigrate and belittle her, and is in therapy, she is finally starting to experience some recovery. I'm glad for her as a person but... there is no amount of recovery that will replace what was lost... or erase the memories of abuse.
My father was the one who seemed to hold the family together... and, like many alcoholics, had the capacity to be warm, generous and loving, and was occassionally... tho' not often enough to keep me from putting more and more distance, literally and relationally, between us. That distance has now been formalized.
I am glad that this day of 'honor' is not hyped to the same degree and pulling on the same emotional strings that Mother's Day is. I wish all of us struggling here a strong Father's Day, one where we remember: who we are in spite of our Fathers (and Mothers)... the strength we have cultivated in order to have survived as long as we have... and our future with continuing recovery, and increasing peace and happiness.
This year, my father has been institutionalized against his will, a direct result of his drinking and porn addictions... due to actions so egregious that he may never be able to live peacefully in any community again... and have reduced our family to a collection of individuals with challenged relations among them, including two generations of parents and children. Not that we were ever a story-book family (Duh!).
Mother's Day has always been a difficult one... with an abusive, grossly co-dependent mother, I knew as a child she was wacked and let her go emotionally. All the hype surrounding Mother's Day is a painful reminder of what she was like... and now, as she descends slowly into dementia, no longer has my father to denigrate and belittle her, and is in therapy, she is finally starting to experience some recovery. I'm glad for her as a person but... there is no amount of recovery that will replace what was lost... or erase the memories of abuse.
My father was the one who seemed to hold the family together... and, like many alcoholics, had the capacity to be warm, generous and loving, and was occassionally... tho' not often enough to keep me from putting more and more distance, literally and relationally, between us. That distance has now been formalized.
I am glad that this day of 'honor' is not hyped to the same degree and pulling on the same emotional strings that Mother's Day is. I wish all of us struggling here a strong Father's Day, one where we remember: who we are in spite of our Fathers (and Mothers)... the strength we have cultivated in order to have survived as long as we have... and our future with continuing recovery, and increasing peace and happiness.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by Workin 
I wish all of us struggling here a strong Father's Day, one where we remember: who we are in spite of our Fathers (and Mothers)... the strength we have cultivated in order to have survived as long as we have... and our future with continuing recovery, and increasing peace and happiness.
My alcoholic biological father passed away almost two years ago. I would always send him a card and it was so difficult to find an appropriate card. I would read through a ton of "I'm grateful to have you as my dad", "Thank you for all that you have done for our family", etc. prior to finding the generic "Happy Father's Day" one. I would often leave feeling depressed and longing for this fictional perfect dad.
My stepfather turned out to be a pretty good father, so at least I got lucky the second time around.
My husband is a great dad and I enjoy helping my children plan special things for him.
Sending a hug to anyone who is struggling today. May your own inner parent take you in his/her arms and help you feel the love that you deserve.
Fondly,
db
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
(((workin)))
I'm walking a similar path to yours in many ways. Including I fear that one day I'll open the newspaper and find out my dad has done something that will get him banned from any community. He's at least a bit of an exhibitionist.
I read over and over again on these forums how often it's the alcoholic who's actually easier to tolerate than the co-dependent. Same in my family. And it's sad to say, since I know my father's abusive nature has a great deal to do with who my mother became, and yet...and yet...she chose every step of the way, to stay, to fight, to hold onto bitterness, to try to turn people against him and his family, instead of letting go and walking away with dignity.
I barely think of my parents on mother's and father's day. They made their own choices.
I'm walking a similar path to yours in many ways. Including I fear that one day I'll open the newspaper and find out my dad has done something that will get him banned from any community. He's at least a bit of an exhibitionist.
I read over and over again on these forums how often it's the alcoholic who's actually easier to tolerate than the co-dependent. Same in my family. And it's sad to say, since I know my father's abusive nature has a great deal to do with who my mother became, and yet...and yet...she chose every step of the way, to stay, to fight, to hold onto bitterness, to try to turn people against him and his family, instead of letting go and walking away with dignity.
I barely think of my parents on mother's and father's day. They made their own choices.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I lost my father 2 years ago, he has been on my mind today. He stopped drinking 20 years ago and never was abusive in any way.
My mother is still drinking today at age 86, she has never been in recovery and never will, she is a mean, nasty abusive shrew and I don't give her a second thought on mothers day.
Thank you for your post!
My mother is still drinking today at age 86, she has never been in recovery and never will, she is a mean, nasty abusive shrew and I don't give her a second thought on mothers day.
Thank you for your post!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by dbh
My husband is a great dad and I enjoy helping my children plan special things for him.
#3 is a 2nd generation ACoA (maternal grandmother was a raging A, mother is a raging ACoA) tho' deeply in denial. Wish I had seen/known about the compulsive behaviors and control/authority issues before we married... He has been making notable strides over the last few months, unrelated to the ACoA but directly related to our ability to relate successfully to each other, tho' it remains to be seen whether it is sustainable, especially in the context of my own recovery.
Time will tell...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 25
My mother is a sad case... Abusive, alcoholic father, addicted mother who ODed in front of her when she was barely 6 yo. She learned to be a victim then married a man who mentally and emotionally abused her (and the rest of us) for her entire life until he was institutionalized nearly a year ago (his father was a violent drunk who beat his mother regularly in front of him). I don't think she ever experienced love and certainly never learned how to give or receive it. While I let her go emotionally as a child, as a person I feel sorry for her. She has had more than her share of pain in her life (as we all here have). And having said all that, I will never feel anything more for her than the compassion I would feel for any other human being.
My father, on the other hand... He too has had more than his share of pain... and there was a time when I idolized him... which began fading as a young adolescent as the mental and emotional abuse escalated... and began to crumble as a late-20-something. That disintegration is now complete especially in light of what got him institutionalized. For him, I am beyond compassion tho', strangely, do still care about him as a person. I don't ever seen an active relationship with him again, to much damage has been done.
My father, on the other hand... He too has had more than his share of pain... and there was a time when I idolized him... which began fading as a young adolescent as the mental and emotional abuse escalated... and began to crumble as a late-20-something. That disintegration is now complete especially in light of what got him institutionalized. For him, I am beyond compassion tho', strangely, do still care about him as a person. I don't ever seen an active relationship with him again, to much damage has been done.
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