Endofline

So I have been on this site now for awhile and from all I have read and all the al anon meetings I should know better. But once again I let him manipulate me and give me false hope that maybe he wanted to change. We had a huge fight this past Friday night and I started telling him I'm done with his ******** and even though we were having an open house on Sunday I was taking everything that I bought which is everything and putting it in one room getting it ready to move and **** him pretty much if he is embarrassed in front of the realtor when she gets here to show the house. It took hours and I even took the curtains down and rods. Saturday he comes into the room that I had been sleeping in and crawls onto bed with me and gives me a big hug and that little boyish smirk , like ok I get your point I pushed you too far and I'm sorry. He actually start talking like the old guy I knew because he was out of money and didn't have any drugs. He was a bit anxious because of the withdrawal but so much more clear headed. He said ok let's be adults and try to get our selves out of this situation and move o. One way or the other and he put most everything back and cleaned the house I helped a little. We had a pleasant day and quiet evening at home no fighting. Sunday comes he even asked me to spend day with him since we needed to be out with the dog while open house was taking place. Very enjoyable day seemed like old times. That night we slept in same room no sex but actual being affectionate to one another. We spoke of the things we had to do on Monday with mortgage company he was going to make phone calls and I was going to go to work. For the first time in months he called me and told me what his day was like how he made out with the phone calls wow great. Then by 1pm I called to say I was stopping at the store on way home to get us some food since we had none had he was broke. I could hear it in his voice he had been drinking. My heart sank, I got home and is was obviously more then drinking empty vodka bottles his eyes were rolling speech slurred not making sense. I was so disappointed ,but I said to myself I won't acknowledge it as long as we don't fight I'm not going to let him ruin my day again. But it was inevitable when he is under the influence he looks for a fight with me and just wouldn't let up until I told him he better leave or I would need to call the police which is the last thing I even wanted to do. This went on for hours with him saying he was sorry and he loved me to saying it's my fault and he cant stand me and I don't make him happy. Finally he got a phone text I don't know from who and he took some clothing and left. So here I am back to square one,he said horrible hurtful things he has no boundaries when he miss drugs an alcohol. I was even getting my hopes up that we would continue to be a couple I just wanted him to be decent to me since we are more productive in life and need to be under the same roof for the time being. But if I'm not holding his hand and babysitting him this is what he does. And I can't I need to go to work especially since he is out of work now for 3 years. I let him do it to me again and I hate myself for it!

dollydo

To me, it's not so much the circumstance we are involved in, it's how we handle it. What did you learn from this encounter and what is your next step?

Vale

...then I guess we're all fools.

(Sorry you are going through this,Endofline)

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Endofline. Please stop hating yourself, most of us have been there too. We understand your pain.

:ghug3

suki44883

Don't beat yourself up about it. Hopefully, this is the last time you will allow him to manipulate you. Keep your eye on the goal and don't let him deter you. He will continue to try, but be strong. You know he isn't ready to make changes, so you will have to be the one to make your life better. You can do it.

Endofline

I learned that it's hopeless and that I hate my life and it's like getting told you have an incurable disease. That the life I had and the life I wanted are gone and it doesn't matter if I had a million dollars or would sacrifice my right arm I cant have it. and if I'm being honest I don't want another man or another life like they say is waiting for me I only want the one I use to have with him the one I got a short glimpse of again this weekend. I know that sounds stupid bit I'm being honest. I want a miracle like so many others. I don't need a fancy car or house I want my man back and I can't have that so I just exsist from day to day. Nothing makes me happy I just move along but I'm not really living. I'm not saying this to get anyone to say oh you will be ok and things will get better,I'm being brutally honest!

EnglishGarden

Existing day to day is perfectly okay.

I know that longing. I used to long for everything I lost, too, back years ago when I had to leave an A I loved. We lived on an island for awhile and I used to close my eyes and in my mind I would be back with him and the dogs and the kayak and the sky so blue and the wind. I had no idea how that family we had would be shattered by addiction, just as yours is being shattered. And I walked away from it all, the island, the big house, the sky and the wind, and one of the three beloved dogs, which remained with him.

Many of us know that longing you describe.

I wasn't happy for a long time afterward, but I went to meetings and ate and slept and I kept my hair and clothes always pretty and I learned this: that when everything I thought I was was taken away, I found out who I really am and what really supports me. It was a terrible lesson. And absolutely necessary for me.

Kindeyes

After I divorced my XAH, I emphatically stated that I would never marry again. I didnt need a man in my life. I was woman....hear me roar. I was a single woman with a small child. Working in one of the largest stock brokerage firms on Wall Street. I had the guts and fire to be very self sufficient.....I didn't need a man. I didn't want a man in my life.

But I did meet a man. He saw the huge brick wall I had built around myself and he carefully removed those bricks. He was independent and he loved my independence. I still didn't need a man in my life but I wanted that man in my life. We've now been married for 27 years.

We are together because we want to be together....not because we need to be together. I want to share with others on here that there is life after loving an addict. I believe that God brought me my dear husband because He knew that I needed a strong partner. I am blessed.

But I could have stayed with my XAH.......

gentle hugs
ke

itsanewday2011

Kindeyes- thank you for your post. wow. all I can say is wow. Just what I needed to hear.

zoso77

EoL...

You're not alone, you know. We've all been drawn back into the field of the addict for whatever reasons we had. In my case, it was denial. There was no evidence that my AXGF was doing her best to embrace recovery. But I believed her words anyways. I wanted to believe her because I loved her. And she stuck it to me big time.

So you got burned. It happens to the best of us. The question is what do you want to do about it from this point going forward. You know what it is your dealing with; that much is clear. What's best for you?

ZoSo

Endofline

Thank you, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's like everyday I set myself up for disappointment. So I made him leave last night to defuse the situation that was getting out of hand because he was drinking and taking Xanax by the time I got home from work at 1pm. And I could have dealt with it but he was looking for a fight. So he went to a old friends house a person he calls his cousin because their families were close since he was a child. This guy who is nice enough is also a alcoholic drug addict that does work and he is 40 because his family is wealthy. Never the less his life is a mess can't have a healthy relationship with the opposed sex and so on and so on. Now my husband is back I went to work he kinda apologized but not sincere and went to the food store for us. I'm home for work and he is being decent not belligerent like yesterday but he has had vodka and taken codeine today. It just sucks he isn't sorry or he would at least try and go one day without doing almost exactly what got us into such a horrible argument yesterday. Now he is tired and he isn't any company whatsoever. It never gets better. I really just disappoint myself by ever expecting anything more. I feel like a hampster on a wheel and just can't get off.