itsanewday2011

Hi - I know I may ask a lot of silly questions, but one I am struggling with is....as Ex is in recovery, but involved with our young (3 years old) child, I am struggling with how much I should know about his recovery...

I recently posted that ex is getting a job (a good thing) and has been in recovery since about October (in sober housing). He is talking about moving out on his own, and has indicated that on one of his visit days w/ his daughter (his "home group" night) that he wants to make the visit longer (I got the sense he was going to stop going to that meeting).

My codependency is wanting to come out and wonder/ask questions ....is he going to stop going to meetings? How will I know if he is about to relapse and put our daughter at risk? I am having a really hard time trusting him.

I know - I am worrying. I know - it is out of my control. I know - focus on me and my recovery. But, what about the safety of our child? We are putting safety parameters in place, and are moving slowly with the visits, but I am scared, I admit it. Scared because I want our child to be safe. I don't want to restrict time with her father, as I know how important it is to have a relationship with both parents, but I am struggling with this...

Advice from others?

LoveMeNow

I would like to commend you for loving and protecting your daughter so much.

My prayers are with you, your daughter and your XRAH. May God keep you all safe and healthy.

itsanewday2011

Thanks, Lovemenot. I just re-read your recent thread. You have made me think.

Also, I believe another wise person posted on your thread that early recovery can mirror active addiction in many ways. I am finding myself "backsliding" now that ex is moving forward. He is moving forward and I feel myself moving backwards into my old codie thought processes.

I guess the good thing is at least I am catching myself now. I don't want to revert to that chaos.

I need to pray and give it up to God.

LoveMeNow

I didn't give any advice because I don't feel healthy enough YET and your daughters safety is paramount. I will let the healthier people share their advice with you.

I am so glad you are catching your old codies ways. Let's not call it "backsliding" - lets just say - that with any change, it may just need a little "tune up."

Praying for guidance is always your best answer, IMO.

crazybabie

I feel the same as LMN , I do not have enough recovery or experience for your situation however one can never IMO go wrong in Let Go Let God and I am glad you see the codie that is coming back as you know there will be others with more experience. I just wanted to show some support.

itsanewday2011

Thanks for the support and encouraging answers.

To cynical - thanks for the questions....good ones..I will try to answer most of them.

He does supply child support (comes through his unemployment) - he just got a new job so we will be getting more. This does go through the state. I know he wants to pay me directly but I will not ever let that happen.

He never went through the court ordered parenting class (he was in active addiction when we divorced so that was waived). Good reminder - I will encourage him to go.

Visits now are twice a week supervised. Just gave him two trial "unsupervised visits" where he parked at our house and took our child to the park behind our house. The visits are only a couple hours each so he hasn't had her for a nap or overnight.

As for his behavior/hers...good questions - she gets clingy to me after the visits (he thinks she is being 'manipulative'). When she gets hurt, he isn't as comforting as I would like him to be - is more like "you are okay". He doesn't seem to ackowledge her feelings as much - I plan to talk to him about this as I know that is important for a girl to get from her father. Since his parents supervise the other visit, I don't know how he is. I also don't ask them because they are somewhat manipulative/codependent people so I don't know if I would get a truthful answer.

Today she was especially clingy after the visit and had a much tougher time listening to me.

We are going to meet with a child psychologist together in the next couple of weeks so we can get coaching on how best to expand his time with our child. (A child "play therapist who can see how she is doing emotionally with everything).

We do have a draft agreement that supports random UAs as well as hair follicle testing. Also that we can stop visits immediately in the event of suspected drug use (by behavior) and test.

crazybabie

My grandmother taught me that the only silly questions are the ones we do not ask,

lightseeker

all of these suggestions are great ones. I think that someone "doing the right thing" in terms of wanting to see his child will be completely transparent and wanting sanctions/precautions in place.

I think that whether someone is "working a program" is a really tough thing to judge - especially when you don't live together. When it comes to your child's safety I'd go by "if in doubt, don't". Yes....a child needs their father but not when their father is unhealthy and possibly in active addiction.

I saw my ex husband with his young kids when he was in "recovery" (or rather sobriety). Instead of using drugs, at times he used anger. Everything would be "ok" and then the smallest thing would happen and he would go into a rage/anger episode. Young kids don't understand what is happening but it imprints them. The youngest son is now 14 and has a huge rage disorder, the older one is a taunter/inciter. I know their mother thought that since he was sober that he was okay - only he wasn't. So even when someone is clean it doesn't mean that they have the skills to be a good parent.

My ex told me many stories from when he and the boys' mother were separated. He had been in recovery and so she thought that he was safe. She did urine tests prior to the boys leaving with him. Too bad she didn't do one on their return. He knew to be clean when he picked them up but as soon as he had them he would use.....going down the highway at 70 mph smoking crack cocaine with a 5 and 2 year old in the car.........oh my. And then sneaking women (suspect morality on their part at best from his description) over when the kids were asleep happened all the time as well. He would leave the boys with these unknown women and go to score more drugs.

I'm not saying that this is what is going on in your situation - just what can go on when you don't have any suspesions....all I know is it is hard to presribe what someone's "program" should be but any boundaries that you have in place to protect your child are ones that you are entitled to make (and keep).

I'm glad that you are thinking about all of these things....I know it's hard but also know that if something happened to your child it would be devastating.

itsanewday2011

well shoot....I sent a post a while back thanking cynical one and lightseeker and put a bunch of other info in here....now I see it is gone...bummer!

Cynical and Lightseeker - thanks so much! Scary thoughts from the stories you shared but enlightening.

Cynical - ex has been pretty consistent since Jan/Feb for visits. Yes, the "she is being manipulative" bothered me a lot too. I know kids are smart but seriously????

I am hopeful that we can keep things status quo until we spend some time with the child psychologist....we shall see.