Desparation

I am in desparate need of assistance to help my partner, Jenny - an alcoholic & a smoker (been doing both for around 40 years)
I have a few questions that I need help/advice with. First of all, a little bit of background.

We met in March 2003 when I was working away from home and she had a rented flat. After we met, we bought a house together (mainly my initiative) - we moved in during October and were both really looking forward to Xmas together.

I can drink - my only problem is that when I 'go on a session' I don't know when to stop. When I was staying in hotels for work, I had a bottle of wine and a few beers every night - then a bottle of whiskey on a Saturday night. That stopped when I met Jenny. I sometimes have a drink, but only occasionally (I do a lot of driving)
After meeting Jenny, and learning that in Feb 2003 she had been detoxed and had a liver complaint, I gave up drinking. However Jenny smoked (which I never have - I abhor it!). She promised on many occassions to give up but never did (it has caused many rows between us)
In June we went on holiday together and Jenny said that she wanted to enjoy the holiday and persuaded me that we should have a dring at the airport on the way out - she assured me that she could handle alcohol and that it would help her relax so that she could give up smoking and drinking on our return. I accepted that she would be able to control her drinking (as I can?) and agreed.
Biggest mistake - but during the rows over smoking she said I was trying to 'control' her and I did not want to add alcohol to smoking and therefore agreed.
Anyway, since we returned from holiday mid June, she continues to smoke (3/5 per day) and has had at least a bottle of wine every day (usually around 2/3 bottles). I have had a drink occassionally.
Things came to a head over Christmas - from around 19th Dec she has been more or less permanently drunk. Her daughter and grandson came for Boxing Day and Jenny only got up when they came at noon (I had doen the housework & cooked). Normally Jenny is very hoseproud but she has not bothered at all since the week before Xmas.
Her daughter (Emma - 28 years old) said that her mother has had a problem for some time - Emma said that when she was 13 she used to return home from school and find bottles of spirits hidden around the house (Emma used to pour the drink away and fill them with salt water!)
When they left early evening, Jenna said that she was going for another lie-down - I went to the bedroom and found seven open bottles of wide in her two wardrobes, all at various stages of being consumed.
Jenny says that she could not remember putting them in her wardrobes
I locked at the drinks away. She still persisted that she needed a drink - could not stop. I therefore 'controlled' her alcohol (to reduce withdrawal symptoms) to a couple of glasses of wine a day. She had also, earlier in December, said that she would give up smoking on 1st Jan and that in the New Year she wanted to go back into detox.
She was in bed all day New Year's eve - we were due to go to a party at 8.30pm. She got up at 8.00pm and wanted to go - we got there at about 10.30 (after she had got ready)
New Year eve we went to a friend's party. I unlocked a couple of bottles of wine and put them in the car to take. When we got there, I insisted that Jenny had wine (she initially asked for a whiskey) - by the end of the evening, however, she had consumed a couple of glasses of whiskey as well as a bottle of wine and was incapable of walking up the stairs to the bedroom. I was ok - I had only had half a lager as I was driving.
When I took her up to bed, I found two more half consumed bottles in her wardrobe (apparently, when I was taking some wine to the car, she had taken the opportunity to sneak them away)
She has been in bed all day New Years day - got up at 8.00pm and watched TV until 3.00am. Today she has been in bed all day.
I have kept Alcohol and Nicotine away from her for both days (to the best of my knowledge).
Questions & Advice
1) I think that I am helping Jenny to detox - but am I in danger of causing her any harm from withdrawal. When she gets up later - in say 2 hours at 8.00pm, should I allow her to have a drink and smoke to help her withdrawal?
2) On occassion she has fallen down with drink anf hurt herself. On Boxing day, when she was desparate for a drink/nicotine and I tried to prevent her, she has told her daughter that I had hit her and attacked her with a piece of glass. (when I asked her about this, she said that she could not remember anything about falling and that it must have been me who hurt her!. Is it usual for accusations to be made when alcohol is wanted and stopped?
3) One addiction seems to thrive on the other. When Jenny drinks, she wants to smoke and when she smokes she craves alcohol. In order to break the cycle, I think that she must give up both together - if she continues with one, the other will follow. Is this usual? What is the experience of others.
4) Jenny has not eaten for 3 days - is there anything that I can give her or otherwise persuade her to eat.
5) It is hard at the moment - forcing Jenny to stop alcohol & smoking. and listening to her try to persude me to let her have a drink (no more in the house - all in the boot of the car) or a cigarette. Will me 'being a bastard' and refusing her cause her to turn away from her (although I am doing it because I love her). Should I just give in now, get her to a doctor next week and arrange for detox professionally? I have to return to work on Monday and am very worried that when I am away, she will go out and get a few bottles to hide around the house
6) I have kept her off alcohol & nicotine for 36 hours. But am I in danger of causing her more harm through withdrawal symptoms.

We live where Jenny was brought up and her parents are supportive - but her father (who she respects) does not understand and feels ashamed the alcohol abuse. She sometimes sees her sister - usually once a year at Xmas - but the sister's husband will not have anything to do with Jenny.
Any help and advice anyone can give will be very gratefully accepted - even if it is to say that I am going totally the wrong way about it. Please help
Desparate for help/advice
Trevor

phoenix

Hi and welcome to the forum.It would be difficult to give advice on the specifics of how to detox an individual.It can be harmful to quit altogether without assistance.Both nicotine and alcohol are powerful addictions.It's hard to break away from one,let alone both.The best option is to get medical help if she is willing.

It's important to know that even with the best of intentions you simply will not be able to help if she is not willing.You can't control her for more than short intervals.Beyond that,if she wants to drink/smoke,she will find a way.Alcoholics are incredibly cunning and creative in that respect.I know,because I am an alcoholic.Until I was ready,no one could stop me.I had to want it for myself,and I had to want it more than anything else.

I'd encourage you to check out our Al Anon forum.It's for the friends and families of alcoholics.You'll find people there who are facing the same sort of struggle and who are learning how to get through it.You'll find a lot of support.Good luck and keep posting.

phoenix

historyteach

Trevor, I am sorry to say this, but, you are indeed enabling her. You are cleaning and cooking and making all nice nice for the visitors so that she can stay in bed all day. You are very late to parties for the same reason.
And, you are controlling her. You "allow" her so much to drink and smoke??? Are you her father? You want to "pursuade" her to eat? She will eat when she is hungry. And, like it or not, she will get her booze and cigarettes when she wants them too.
Alcohol and smoking are a trigger for each other. It is actually a chemical change in the brain, causing the desire for one when you have the other. It is also a social trigger, that is to say, an habbituated response.
The fact that she is making false accusations about you should tell you something. She has a SERIOUS PROBLEM with drinking!
And, this is her problem. She has to want to stop drinking before she will. You need to protect yourself. And instead, you are getting yourself more and more wrapped up into her addiction and her drama. So, I am going to ask you what I have asked other people on the naranon board. Is this what you really WANT for your life?
You have choices too, independent from her choice to drink.
Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous. You are not a professional. What will you do if she goes into seizure? That is very possible. It is more dangerous than withdrawal from heroin! Hospitals with limited beds take an alcoholic for detox before a heroin addict. I think you need to let this go, and put her in the hands of the professionals.
Alanon is very good advice. You should also read CoDependent No More, by Melanie Beattie.
Wishing you shalom!