GingerM

I haven't been here in many months now. I've been busy. Very very busy.

My dad was sentenced to 10 years in prison, less time served. He will be out in 2021, followed by 10 years of parole, which I don't think he'll outlive.

My mom's dementia seems stable at the moment, and I'm hoping it stays that way.

My family has been fractured beyond repair, and I have finally (grudgingly) come to accept that my role in the family as "peace keeper" is now a thing of the past - there is no peace to keep, as I have no family anymore. I have a series of individuals who all only have me as a common point of connection.

My dad is not drinking due to his incarceration, but the fractured thinking continues. There are some changes in his behavior, although I don't know whether those are going to be lasting or only last as long as his situation requires it to last.

I don't know now whether the drinking caused the odd behaviors or if the warped thought patterns caused the drinking. I am beginning to believe the latter to be more true.

I'm sorry to have not been here more. The system is overwhelming, my family member's needs are overwhelming and I am doing all I can to stay centered on myself and not get sucked into the vortex of needs. It hasn't been easy and some days are better than others.

I hope you are all managing as best you can and are able to find peace with your world.

Gin

EveningRose

((((Ginger))))

My prayers are with you. I hope that you'll find continued and growing peace for yourself in the coming months and years.

GingerM

I do have a rather large and very supportive family of choice. It's not quite the same though.

I'm continuing to work on trying to find peace. Much of the worst of it is over. My dad originally blamed me for his situation, but has backed off of that and is starting to take some responsibility for his actions. He's struggling and as his two main coping mechanisms (exercise induced endorphin rushes and alcohol) are pretty well taken away from him, he's obviously at a disadvantage.

My mom is in the beginning stages of dementia, though still safe to live on her own as long as I go over every week to take care of the "complicated" things, like paying bills.

My sister is no longer speaking to my dad, but still loves him and wants to know how he's doing.

She's also mad at me for "stealing" her son (I didn't steal him, she drove him away and her behaviors continue to do so, making her ascertations self-fulfilling).

I am carrying a lot of people and can't find a way to dump ballast. Even my therapist has walked through everything, initially certain that there was something I overlooked. She came up blank for what I could stop doing also, while still being able to respect myself.

So instead of fighting it, I am working hard on accepting that while I don't like the options I have, I do have options. And that I am choosing to stay in the situation I find myself in - so I am participating in the outcome of my life. It's not like this is a tornado that's ripped my house apart. I have free will and could, in theory, walk away from all of this. But I choose not to for a variety of reasons. I hope, in this manner, to find peace with everything. To know that I am controlling the situation, rather than the situation controlling me (I'm sure many/most of you can relate to feeling like your life is controlling you).

Thank you for the well wishes.

Gin

Kialua

I understand wanting to do the right thing so you can "live with yourself". I had a similar situation many many years ago. Married living in a duplex we owned I had my sisters son living with us downstairs, my other sister and her two kids and husband living upstairs. Trying to deal with getting the boy's mother committed, with no success. Meanwhile my brother in law, unbeknownst to us, was on drugs and molesting kids and acting out. My mother was in the throes of being alone with my AF and trying to get attention by creating hypochondriac crisis after crisis. We completely remodeled the duplex from top to bottom inside and out with all the stress attached to that. And to boot, my boss had actually molested me at work, I went to the owner and he laughed it off. I was too young and had too much on my plate to care about suing them so I was laid off for creating lies. Nice.

And that was one year.

We really do take it all on don't we? Well this too shall pass, hang in there.

tromboneliness

As John MacDougal (12-step author and speaker) would say, "I want to lead my life -- not just follow it around, hoping it'll get better!"

T

GingerM

Things are getting better, although the progress is slow and not to my liking.

I've survived a lot in this life, and have managed to come out relatively intact. This too shall pass. One day at a time, but some days are better than others, and I will acknowledge that and accept it for what it is.

Working on that as well - that's where the acceptance of the role I play in this comes in. I do have options. I could choose to walk away. I would feel like the most rotten person in existence if I did, but I do have that option.

I wish I had more options. I wish I had thin thighs and a pony. The thin thighs are the most likely of those three to happen.

Kialua

Ginger glad you are dealing with it all, and almost happy(?). I loved that last line, I wish I was 5'9" and in Hawaii as long as we are wishing...