Sleepwell

I have just completed a six week 'Action for Recovery' (ACT) course which made me realise there are so many people struggling with a lot of different aspects of their family member's addiction.

I thought it might be helpful to start a list which everyone can add to just to feel that we're not alone in our every day 'struggles'.

Here is mine:

I struggle......

when my AS sends me a text message asking me to bring him food and me knowing how thin he is with no money to buy some.

What's yours?

Heartbroken0608

My biggest struggle is also around food. I can harden myself against almost everything except "Mom, I'm hungry". If he was nearby I would not hesitate to drop him off some food, but I will not send him money to get some. I have, on occasion, had a pizza delivered to him.

story74

Being alone. Can't count on axh for anything.

Katiekate

Putting myself first and being at peace with that.

Ilovemysonjj

My struggle is asking why are you doing this to yourself and to us? I cannot understand nor do I know who he is anymore.

wicked

Wanting to believe my son.
Says he is sober, but he doesn't sound like it on the phone.
Struggle with seeing him to make sure.
I don't know.

tjp613

My AS(21) has gone back out -- and I have gone no contact once again. I struggle with him thinking I've given up on him, forgotten about him or that I don't love him. I want to pick up the phone so badly but I know I'll just get sucked back in. I have to stay NC to maintain some kind of sanity.

wicked

I should not have listened to the message.
He and his girlfriend are having a baby (I think, not sure have not seen them), there are issues with his health and both of them addicted.
It is a heartbreaker really. I must detach.
Must be repeating myself now. Round and round it goes.

Beth

lesliej

I used to REALLY struggle with keeping to the understanding that I can't have jekyll without hyde... it's finally gaining some acceptance in my mind/heart.

I struggle because I think hyde has an insanely strong grip on jekyll. seriously, he is bi polar and his therapist and mine both believe he has a deep psychological splittedness...so I struggled with the idea that he needed extra help, that he couldn't do it alone. that his was mental illness and addiction and that his recovery required even more understanding/compassion/patience.

praying.

MeredithD1

Why is it that the only time he appears to be happy is in that marionette altered state?

Kindeyes

I struggle with the thoughts in my own little noggin. The codependent in me is always in a power struggle.

gentle hugs
ke

whaty

I struggle with "why?" and I second guess myself on what I could have done differently.

yez5

I struggle with believing in my gut feeling on things. I tend to overthink and question my every move, even when I know deep down inside I have made the right one. I let people's opinion sway me too much. I need to stand by my decisions and make them work for me.

lonelystar

I struggle with how we got here, what did i do wrong? didnt i see the signs???, didnt he see where he was headed??, those are the things that bother me the most of course now that we are in full addiction pretty much no way out except by some miracle , i have no illusions about addiction

Windmills

I struggle with no contact. I have to fight myself at least 4 times a day to not pick up the phone and call him to see how he is. I miss him a lot. I found little cards he had written me last night while I was unpacking, you know love notes etc, and they were like a kick in the teeth. Although to be fair I could place them all (5) as being from his 3 month stint in recovery, the only time in our almost 4 years he ever worked on himself. He's not that man at the moment though.

zoso77

I struggle with my AXGF's sadism. It's not a day to day thing, it's more like a triggered reaction. Her intention was to cause as much hurt and pain on her way out the door as she could. She knocked me down, yes, but I got back up and am a lot happier now that she's gone.

But what I struggle with is her sadism. I was nothing but a kind, compassionate, loyal part of her life...and none of that mattered at the end. I get what it really is: she's an addict and a Borderline Personality. But knowing that there are people like that out in the world scares me and has made me a lot more guarded than I used to be.

Windmills

My other struggle surrounds our 2 year old. She's an amazing, perfect, hilarious little person and she's SO much fun. We just laugh all day long, she's incredible. I'm really really lucky.
So my issue is that he doesn't give a f*ck about her. He uses her as a weapon to get to me, even his birthday card for her was written aimed at manipulating me. He didn't bother getting her a present of course! She deserves so so so much better, I wish I could give her the world and it breaks my heart that I couldnt even give her a decent dad. I tried and tried to hold their relationship (if you could call it that!) together, supervising access, arranging visits and days out, taking her to his home, rescheduling when he messed me around 5-6 times in a row by cancelling 5 minutes before.. But I could never do enough and eventually it got to a point where his behaviour was becoming crazier and crazier and I was told by my DV case worker not to go to his home for my own safety, so I started meeting him in public but he continued to be manipulative, verbally abusive and intimidating towards me during access, effectively using the time to get to me rather than spending it with Daisy. When I eventually reached the decision that the arrangement was doing far more harm to me than good to Daisy, plus she was still suffering from his abuse towards me, I sent him a letter through my lawyer to tell him I wouldn't be supervising and he needed to sort out someone else to supervise and contact social services for their approval. He didn't bother. 3.5 weeks and no word, I would walk over volcanoes to be there for my daughter. He doesn't seem to have that same feeling!

Sleepwell

How is it that they can make us all feel so sad, and they don't (seem to) give a fat rats. For Christmas I wish for a magic wand........

Thank you all for your input.

NB: Windmills, your daughter will grow up being very grateful for what you have done for her. Sadly some people are not wired up with a paternal instinct. You should be very proud of yourself.

illbewaiting

I struggle with trust. With trying to learn to trust again and recognizing when I shouldn't.

I struggle with letting go of my brothers. I am still grieving the death of one, and dealing with going no contact with the other.
At the request of my mother, on more than one occasion, I have tried contacting my brother that is still among the "living"(if that's what you want to call what he is doing), and it only hurts me when I do. The last three things he has said to me when he did respond were "go kill yourself", "your son will never be honest with a junky for a dad and a stupid C-U-Next-Tuesday for a mom", and "I have no sister, she died years ago along with our 'relationship'.." So yea... pretty painful stuff.. and I forgive him because I know it's the drugs talking. Those are pretty prime examples of why I REFUSE to contact him now though!
Another thing I struggle with every day, and it will probably be a lifelong battle is finding myself. Finding my identity outside of addiction.
It is so much harder than most people could probably imagine.. and some days I do take a step backward.. I dwell on the past. But then I pick my sorry butt back up and tell myself that if I'm not moving forward I'm going nowhere at all.
It's also a struggle trying to look at my fiancee as the man and not just the addiction.. I think I'm having an easier time of that than finding myself.
It's a journey though, and no one ever said it'd be easy!
Doesn't mean it isn't worth it though.

Scrapbooker

Codpendency. My 22 year old AS is living with us again after 5 year addiction to pills and marajuana mostly (that I know of). Says he is 4 months sober and working his recovery. Says he has a job offer that he hasnt' heard back from since drug testing last week and completing paperwork. None of this is my business. I have been working toward minding my own. I question him less at times. So hoping it will be easier after September 1 when he is out of our house.

I have an Al-Anon sponsor and attend meetings regularly. It helps!

All of the people on this site are in my daily prayers. For our recovery as well as the addict in our lives.