WorkInProgress8

For A's to move on so quickly: engaging in sexual/emotional relationships w people who, in my opionion dont compare intellectually or physically? ... My XABF is famous for this &im not afraid to admit that it has been & still is a blow to my self esteem. So easy for him to drop his pants & form "emotions" to whatever girl says Hello to him, yet i find advances made towards me from guys exhausting and uninteresting...whats up with that!?

webber1

It is a constant theme on these threads why our AH partners can do things that to us seem insane..

Simply they have no self esteem, no boundaries so applying our values to there behaviour is madness.

To get to the stage of chronic drinking something had to be amiss and all I have seen is a constant spiral, the ho hum excuses of my ex AH Partner who essentially is a opportunist.

Put the mirror back on ourselves , I came to terms that a relationship with a AH( recovering and not sober) is so far from" healthy" that it will destroy you.

Seren

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. I don't know if I have an answer to your question, but I tried to imagine what I might say to a young woman who was in love with my alcoholic and addict stepson.

I don't know if "Jr." has ever been in love because it doesn't seem as if he loves himself. When he does show interest in a woman, he seems more infatuated like a teenager than anything you might expect from a nearly 31 yo man. These infatuations would be brief and intense for him, but did not create a real attachment for him. I would feel very bad for any woman who truly loved my stepson, and my only advice to her would be to let him go and allow someone into her life who is capable of real love.

I hope that you will realize that you are deserving of a real, loving, mature relationship.

WorkInProgress8

anvilhead im hyperventilating from laughter at the sandwich thing but you hit the nail on the head! &So did you webber! Its just ugh. Not a good feeling to know that i spent/wasted 4 yrs of my life with my XABF and then have to wonder if i wasnt just another opportunity like the girls of his past and present because hes telling his newest "catch" that he loves her, yet they have only known each other 2 months. Hes an A though so ive had to tell myself repeatedly that nothing he told me was the truth(like that he loved me), so therefore nothing between us was real and i have to get over it. Its hard and upsetting bc the love i had for him was real but wasted on the wrong person. But i have to do whats right for ME. sorry just lost in THOUGHTacolypse.

NYCDoglvr

Codependents are addicted to alcoholics, the addict is addicted to booze. In the same way it's very difficult to give up booze, it's equally hard for co-dependents to let go of the person. It's a process and it gets easier, I promise. There will be a time when you forget him entirely. I suggest Al-anon.

I'm both a recovering alcoholic (20+ years) and co-dependent. In sobriety I had the worst relationship of my life with another alcoholic with no program. This took up years of my life and cost me a great deal. To have a person who abused you living rent-free in your head is simply awful. How hard to let go even when you know that other person simply doesn't give a sh*t about you. Thank god for Alanon, which helped me find my way out of the mess and into recovery.

WorkInProgress8

hydrogirl that is a wonderful and perfect way to put it! beautiful!!

WorkInProgress8

Im going to my second Al Anon meeting in 2 days. I did like it very much and will embrace it as much as i can but my recovery has just begun so my thoughts are still present,less than they used to be thank the lord, but nevertheless still present.

FindingJoy

I get stuck on those same questions....such a waste of my time as I will never totally get it. What I do know is As are all about easy and quick gratification....when my XAB was stressed even after he quit he would binge eat or pick at this skin excessively. When he's lonely he would pay nice to try and get attention and affection from me. It was always about him and his need to either not feel or self sooth.

It would hurt if I saw him with another woman but it wouldn't be surprising at all. Much easier to find another more damaged Codie to start the whole thing all over again.

sweetteewalls

My separated AH had an affair at work and it killed me. Then I realized he had to use a young girl who lives with her parents and fed his addiction by providing alcohol, fed his ego, etc...When he has to actually live reality with someone, he knows he made a mistake! I knew he loved me. We had a history, she was just collateral damage.

Free108

I'm also asking the "how can it be so easy" question at the moment. Why do I have to feel and he doesn't, or at least he can distract himself so easily - booze, friends, hobbies. He seems so functional (apart from the booze!). Why am I the dysfunctional one? I suppose I know some the the answers: He's in denial, I'm trying to face reality, He's the master of escaping his feelings, I'm the queen of wallowing in them.
I hope you're feeling a little better. You wouldn't want to be him.

corriep77

Brilliant! You've just summed up my existence Add in the sandwich comment, and I almost feel like I can handle this!!

TakingCharge999

I wondered the same when the wounds were fresh and XABF was with someone else! he even dedicated her "our" song! LOL and she thought she was special... (just like I did..)

There will come a time when you couldn't care less

In another thread they said that if they found a monkey in a skirt they would ask it for marriage LOL



No contact was my healer #1.

In time you will realize the one who is stuck is the other person and you are the LUCKY one getting healthier and living in reality even if it sucks often. Going to AA meetings as a listener helped me wake up and stop "envying" or thinking being an active addict is "easy". I still recall one older man, yellow, miserable... alcoholics either pay now or they pay later as Melody Beatty says. Her book "The Grief club" helped me. I recommend it for anyone dealing with change.

Its not about other women or even women at all, its all about the alcohol and who supports the addiction. That's all there is. Alcohol and its power.


Attending AA meetings and listening to "their side" was eye opening, hurt sometimes but it was healing. Some were kind enough to listen to my story and their input was PRICELESS...


Do not tie your self esteem with what others do or say, I have been feeling bad doing this for 30 years, we have our own value and if others can't realize it and cherish it its better if they leave, honest, life is short to deal with such people.

PS I went from one person to the other many years, I was miserable, having "someone" at your side does not change anything when you are full of toxicity, resentment, self hatred, etc. of course you can smile for a picture but that does not mean you are happy.


Sorry for my rambling post

This will pass :ghug3

RedCandle

Oh Lord...this tormented me too. I swear he had a flock lined up...which he enjoyed the moment he kicked me out...

Interestingly, in one of his very drunken, pitiful moments weeks later...when I confronted him about it...he burst into tears and said, "I just wanted to know that I was still desirable! That someone still wanted me!!!"

I think that was the most honest thing he's ever said to me.

It wasn't about them.

It was about him needing to feel like he still "had it."

I still tear up thinking about this even though it was a year ago. Because I remember how much pain, how twisted his face became. And I'm sure mine did the exact same thing.

Shadydeal

I wonder the same! My XABF stopped by last Sat and we have had little or no contact in the last 3 months....bc of his drinking! I could no longer handle after 4 years. He goes on to tell me how he thinks we will work it out one day, he loves me, I am the lve of his life....he's drunk telling me this to boot! I said, I had somewhere to go and he asked me to call him when I go home. Well, he told his roomie that he was coming back over to my house....he loved me! Well, detour to the jail bait drunk he met in rehab. Dumb me....the rehab I paid for. He went on a 2 day drunk at her house. I don't get it! I don't get myself allowing crap...lies...a drunk...I am pissed...hurt...I have no words for my own stupid behavior. I know better! I think I want to believe but actions slap me up side the head. 2 steps forward 2 back. Once again he hides his head for awhile to roar his head again. Don't make my mistakes...

WorkInProgress8

Sounds like he was doing alot of quacking Sassy. &i most definitely will prevent those mistakes any way i can. Im repulsed by the idea of him or anybody who would keep giving away the milk for free. Being an alcoholic is bad enough in itself but add an std and youve got a real winner! Ugh what was i thinking dating such a dweeb is all i can say to myself.