LifeRecovery

I get a lot out of Al-Anon so I hope this does not come out as a knock against it. At times it has been a bumpy ride for me in Al-Anon (I always stick it out, but this feels like the new bump for me to work on).

Sometimes Al-Anon feels like growing up in a typical addiction affected household. By this I mean not talking, not feeling, but the golden rule is NEVER talk about your feelings.

I had to stop doing some of the daily readings for awhile because at times it would come across to me as the answer I kept seeing was to not feel an emotion (especially negative ones like anger, depression etc), or to try to make it better (which felt like a platitude). Crying when you first come in seems accepted, but other than that not a lot of negative emotions get discussed. Right now this feels like what I was taught to do as a kid, and that is in part of what got me into this mess in the first place.

I live in a small community and as a result the recovery community can be kind of enmeshed and stuck in our ways.

I brought this idea of emotions in a meeting up this morning at a meeting, and it prompted a lot of discussion with a number of other people sharing that they were struggling with this too. A number of people did not share at all though.

I am really angry right now. About my exAH, about my childhood with two ACOA not in recovery, about people telling me I should be "over it." It is not all consuming, actually much of my life is going really well. I am getting many avenues of support around it but it is there. It feels important for me to be able to bring it into Al-Anon (for me and the group too)

I am curious what other's experience with this is in Al-anon around having, feeling and being present with emotions is?

Thanks in advance

lillamy

I have never heard anyone in Al-Anon say not to talk about your feelings.
I've actually never heard anyone in Al-Anon be admonished for anything they say...

jamaicamecrazy

I understand what you mean. I struggled with so many emotions-still do. And sometimes I feel frustrated with myself that I can still feel such sadness and loss and not be "over it". I allow myself to feel whatever I feel. The bad emotions don't usually last long. I have learned to be grateful for the good things in my life rather than dwelling on what is missing. I believe there are a few readings that talk about being true to your emotions and allowing ourselves to feel them when perhaps we did not in the past. I know I was stuck in anger mode living with my A. But I realized later on that much of the anger and was masking fear and anxiety. We talk about emotions a great deal in my group. How could you not? There are several who are very angry. Some are just heartbroken and some are happy but bracing themselves for what could happen in the future.
If you bringing the topic up for discussion at a meeting allowed people to share then they were able to connect with you about this and heal. I believe that a little healing goes on at each meeting whether you can speak about a topic or not. The ones who did not share may need to digest this or maybe they cannot relate at this time. "Take what you want and leave the rest."
Please don't allow yourself to be deterred from continuing with something that is healing for you.

LifeRecovery

Sorry the Golden Rule was about my childhood.

It was not admonished in Al-Anon, I have just not seen it done at a meeting. I am not sure if it is about where I live or Al-Anon. I suspect the former, but really enjoy that at SR often a lot more feelings are expressed seemingly more freely.

LifeRecovery

Thanks. I have so much support in more than just Al-Anon and I am not afraid of working on it. Honestly I am not afraid to keep bringing it as needed to the meetings. In our meeting this morning we tried two other topics first and were finished with 25 minutes left to go. I started out talking about anger for a new topic, but realized really my topic was "How are emotions/feelings viewed in Al-Anon, and what were other's experience?"

There was non-stop sharing after that, and I felt heard and validated. Things seemed to really shift to a deeper level.

I think afterwards I was just dumbfounded that the meetings were not more often like that....and that is what is confusing for me.

Thanks for letting me work this out. My Al-Anon groups have really been blessed by the feedback you guys give here on more than one occasion.

Thlayli

I don't know if I would be capable of noticing that in meetings. I have trouble feeling anger - or lots of negative feelings actually. This is something I'm working on learning to do.

My FOA is very Life-of-Brian-hanging-on-the-cross singing "Always look on the Bright Side of Life. I didn't grow up in a home with substance abuse or other overt problems but I'm thinking it may be somewhere in the family hx since we are all so bad at acknowleging anything that might be negative.

Tuffgirl

Do you have other Al-Anon groups you can try near by?

StarCat

We talk about feelings a lot in the two Al-Anon meetings I attend regularly.
The larger one, we'll even have topic meetings (topic chosen by the speaker) about a specific emotion or set of emotions.
The other, it's not uncommon for everyone to break out into tears at some point of the meeting (I'd say the pattern is about once every two months we'll have a real tear-jerking meeting). And then of course, since it's a very small group (4-8 people usually), we'll get a little disruptive and tease the speaker about picking an emotional topic and have a good laugh before resuming the usual meeting format.

I'd second Tuffgirl, is there another meeting you can attend?

lillamy

Oh, OK, I misunderstood -- I thought you were equating your childhood with the Al-Anon meetings.

At my meetings, we talk about feelings a lot. About fears, hopes, anger, sadness, glimmers of joy... it's the only place on earth I was able to say things like "I am so angry at the SOB I want him to die a painful and drawn-out death, but fast, because I can't wait for him to die" -- things that were too horrid to express anywhere else, even in therapy. But were OK at Al-Anon, because when I said things like that and looked around the room and saw all those faces twitching trying not to laugh... I laughed at myself, too. Because I was surrounded by people who (while not saying it) had thought the exact same thing...

And if your meetings don't talk about feelings, I totally understand how that would feel limiting. For me, seeing my feelings (you know, the ones I kept telling myself was just me being whiny or oversensitive or exaggerated) in other people, hearing my stories from other people... was incredibly healing and empowering.

And like at StarCat's meetings, it's a rare meeting where nobody cries. We have two boxes of Kleenex because one takes too long to pass around.

LifeRecovery

Thanks all.

I met with my therapist yesterday who is very versed in Al-anon. We talked about it quite a bit.

I left the meeting realizing that it is not that the group is unwilling (demonstrated by the floodgates that it opened when I talked about it), we just have not in the two years I have been there.

It is like my childhood at the meetings because of this (I will be singing the Bright Side of Life all night, hee hee). I am coming to realize though it is not Al-Anon it is the group of individuals where I go.

Guess what is different from when I was a kid...me. After your responses and talking with my counselor and going to an Open AA meeting today (it was strange meeting with limited people, and they were done in 15 min with the initial topic, so I asked them the same question I asked you all).

I have decided that I will bring it up at the beginning of the meeting as a topic, and to be prepared with readings about it etc. My emotions are becoming safer for me, and I need this space for Al-Anon to continue to work. I suspect I am not alone. Actually I know I am not. The outpouring of support for some differences in the new meeting I was a big part of setting up is helping me to see that. It has become in three weeks one of the better attended meetings, so I know it is filling a hole we had before.

I live in a strange place in terms of location. I border a reservation, and have been to all of the meetings in a 15 min drive enough to realize I have picked the ones most open to emotional intimacy. The next closest meetings are over an hour away. I do go to some of those when can but I don't think I can make them more than the once or twice a month I already do.

Al-Anon because of some of these challenges has been such a good learning curve for me. I struggle with it, I talk about it with SR, my counselor, feel and work it out and I grow.

Tuffgirl

I no longer go to counseling, but it was my mainstay last year, combined with Al-Anon and SR. And mild antidepressants! ; )

For me, I needed multiple views and perspectives and I am so glad I went for it all the way, ya know! Like I was training for the recovery Olympics!

mattmathews

We keep a box of tissues on the table out the Al-Anon meeting I go to and it gets used regularly. But I think that "feelings" would be a great meeting topic. Thanks!
When I started Al-Anon, I was happy to learn that I have feelings. It seemed like it had been a long time.
Recently I found myself feeling irritable...angry even. And I said to myself "...but I'm never angry." Something about just saying the words made me think. "Never angry?" Really?
I'm not saying emotions, including anger, are good (or bad). But at the very least they are real.

LifeRecovery

Dear all-

I just want to thank you all again for your responses to this post.

Tonight I brought this topic up as "Is there room in Al-Anon for all of our feelings."

It was a lovely rich meeting, that was very fulfilling for me, (and I hope for others).