feelingalone43

My AH has been cutting back on drinking, and doing well. In fact he only has a couple of low-alcohol beers, and not even every day anymore.

Sounds great, right? Well, I think it may be taking a toll. We are now both walking on eggshells. He told me that he is stressed out to the point of constantly being on the edge of "snapping". I never know what topics are safe to bring up, what may "set him off". He knows he is very angry. There are quite a few things going on right now that are stressful for him, but we all have stress in our lives. We don't all constantly respond to normal questions with snide and hurtful comments. He says he doesn't know how to control his anger.

What I see happening is that instead of drinking, he is throwing himself into work (he owns his own business), and also throwing himself into projects to stay busy. I wonder if this is to replace down time so he doesn't have idle moments that make him want to drink.

I told him that it sounds like I just need to stay out of his way, and speak only when spoken to. I will know that a topic is safe if he is the one to bring it up. He says he doesn't want me to have to live like that, and he has been expecting me to tell him to leave. When I told him there is no way of me providing for our children (my only income is working for the company he owns), he accused me of using him as a sugar-daddy. I told him that it feels as if the only reason he hasn't asked me to leave is because he doesn't want to pay child support. He said there have been many days when he wants to just pack up everything he owns and disappear.

Sorry this is so long, but needed to vent, and I do wonder if some of his anger is due to wanting to drink, but knowing he shouldn't.

He did have a night out, but didn't drive. That's a whole other issue. He used our 16 year old as his designated driver. They went to his brother's house to visit, and my son did want to go. I find that wrong on more than one level. He didn't get what I would call obnoxiously drunk, but he knew he might, so he made sure he would be able to get home safely.

Should we just live separate lives, while staying in the same house? I've heard of people doing that. The way things are going lately, I can envision us not being together when the kids are grown. They are 16, 14, and 12.

akrasia

He owns a business? Does he get out-of-control angry and lose potential new clients because he can't stop himself from verbally abusing them? No? If he gets pulled over for speeding, does he warn the police officer that he's on the verge of "snapping?" No?

Of course he can control his behaviour. (The "anger" part is BS. We all feel anger. No one's anger is more powerful or uncontrollable than another's.)

When he tells you about his great big angry anger, and tells you how hard it is to control, that's his way of controlling YOU. Can you see the implied threat in that?

feelingalone43

Actually I have heard him tell customers to be quiet and let him talk. I've also known him to tell them that they can take their problems somewhere else (said even nastier at times). I've told him that if a person talked to me that way, they would never get my business again. He says he doesn't like doing business with idiots anyway.

As far as a cop goes, I don't think he'd dare get nasty with them. He does know his limits, so I see your point.

stepsforward

Sounds like both of you need to get into a program. My RAH tried several times to cut down and in the long run all it did was make things much worse. As for his additude with you - you are an easy target. Please take care of yourself first - he has to worry about himself. I know it sounds hard but it works you do start to feel better about yourself and what ever is happening around you.

wicked

I was a 12 year old who had a father like that.
I would rather live in a tent in the woods that have to hear him call my name.
He said children were to be seen and not heard.
Do not speak unless spoken too.
He would not have to be so mean if we would just behave.

Your AH used your son to drive him to get drunk? Your son wanted to do this?
This kind of behavior from someone who is supposedly sober is scary.

Or, I am being triggered by the exact same phrases my alcoholic father used to use.
Please feeling alone, find some support for yourself. AlAnon is a great place.
It will not get better.
I am 53 years old and still get triggered by this behavior happening somewhere else.

Akrasia, what you said about the cop pulling him over was hilarious!
My father was an Army officer, and drove on post while drunk. He was pulled over, and became "charlie smooth owl" for the young MP who happened to stop him.
Everytime I was with him, he was let go. Every single time.
Of course this was 40 years ago, on an Army post. Attitudes have changed, especially in the Army.
Beth

LaTeeDa

I remember living like that a few times during my marriage. I kept thinking that "if I can just get through this" things will get better. That was pretty much my constant state of mind for two decades. Things never got better, only worse. He would quit drinking at times (mostly when I threatened to leave him) and I would think finally, things are going to get better, if we can just get through this tension stage. Ultimately, he would go back to drinking as much or more than before and the whole cycle would start again.

Looking back, it seems crazy for me to have given up 20 years of NOW, for some illusion of the FUTURE. If there is one thing I learned above all else, it is to base your decisions and your actions on what is, not what might be.

L

NYCDoglvr

Your husband is a dry drunk, not recovery. Dry drunks are just like active drunks but without the booze. We need a solid program (like AA) and therapy to change the negative things and learn how to deal with the anger, fear, depression (in other words, feelings). I suggest you going to Al-anon and letting him get a program or not.

feelingalone43

I have been taking better care of myself lately. I am on a pretty good work-out routine, and I have been trying to find things to do that bring me joy. We have been married almost 19 years, and he says that when he gets through with these stressful things that have piled up (yes, they are temporary), maybe things will get better, but he's not sure. So am I supposed to just wait around to see if they do?

He says he could fill up a whole sheet of paper with things I do that bother him. We can all do that about someone. (Blame shifting?) I think the bottom line is that we need to be able to fill up at least two sheets of positive for every one sheet of negative. Then we will know the good outweighs the bad. I can't do that with him at this point.

I have no place to go with 3 teen-aged boys, and asking him to leave would put me in the same situation as leaving myself. My source of income would be gone, and all I've done is work for his company. In my state, there is no such thing as alimony, only child support. It would be extremely easy for him to hide income so as not to have to pay much. He can set his own salary. I have always wanted to be there for my kids, and not have to be gone from home when they are not at school. It won't be long before they don't need that from me anymore, and I would have no problem working wherever I have to in order to support myself.

Counseling for him is out of the question. He is way too "proud" to tell someone about his feelings. He thinks he will be able to pull out of this eventually.

sugarbear1

I am a recovering alcoholic (among ACOA and Al Anon and Codie) and I believe, when he is ready, he will find a new solution in the steps of AA.

Alcohol was my solution. I used to be an angry person. The steps of AA changed me and is now my new solution.

When and if he is ready, he has a new solution to put into his life and his anger can cease to exist.

Hugs,

feelingalone43

I absolutely understand that he won't get help until and unless he is ready. I just don't know how much longer I can stand the tension. For now, we barely speak to each other unless necessary. It is getting harder and harder to stay civil when there have been hurtful things said by both of us.

The boys are in the midst of baseball season, and we both support them in that. But just the other day he said, in front of the oldest one, "I don't really have time to go to baseball games, but I will anyway". I wanted to scream at him. You don't make your kids feel like what they are doing is a burden to you. But I held my tongue so as not to start an argument in front of and about the kids.

I realize he is stressed and busy, but really? As I have tried to explain to him, the kids are growing up fast. We will have many years to "be busy" after they do.

NewbieJ

Hi feelingalone43...First may I say, you are *not* alone - you have all of us to support you and we're here whenever you need us.

The tension and "walking on eggshells" that you describe sounds very similar to my current situation (except we have no children). I do sympathize and, as others have suggested, also recommend visiting a local Al Anon meeting when you next get the chance. Alateen is also a great program for teenagers.

From what I have read, the "ISMs" of Alcoholism (I, Self, Me) exist for some alcoholics despite their lack of drinking. It's about them ("I don't really have time to go to baseball games, but I will anyway") and not anyone else. "Stress" is such a great excuse for everything - including hiding from your family, or an excuse to drink. Alcoholics also do not take responsibility for their actions.

Al Anon is about *you*, and would be a fantastic resource for you to learn how to cope with what you are dealing with. For me, it has helped me deal with periods of extreme tension - the silence, stonewalling on his behalf, being treated like a shadow.